and you start to think too much.

cos' when things don't seem to matter anymore; when you feel like you've lost everything u can lose; when you feel like it's just gonna get shittier and you cannot do anything about it.

i cannot stop thinking somehow.

the underlying reasons behind the things i do.

why then, do i even try?

try so hard, and still lose what matters most to me.
try so hard, and still never will be as lucky as the rest.
maybe when i don't try at all, they'll fall in place. because it seems like that's what's happening.
i don't try, they come falling to my feet. i just have to pick them up.
yet, the more i try, the more efforts...they seem to be thrown far away..by an invisible force.

i'm so tired of picking myself up. because people see and think i'm a strong and independent soul. yet i have my weak times. and i struggle, like any other normal girl. i struggle cos' life just isn't as easy as others.

but don't worry, i'll just let the rain fall down on me...get drenched.
i'll stand there, and wait till the rainbow appears across the sky.


but what if it rains in the night?
the rainbow will never appear.
i'll never find my answers.

dudettes.

i will not abandon anyone. i will not leave anyone alone.

trust me ok? believe in me.

i'm not that kinda person.

world peace!
i love you guys, loads!

=)

nainai, u should know how i feel now. don't cry no more. *hugs* you know i love you, and all i'm asking for is your understanding. cheers!

i wanna do some serious shoppingggggg!!

*screams*
and the tag board is kinda screwed up. wonder why.

and i think some foes are still watching me. tsk. i don't want foes. where are the friends??

et cetera

i've been wanting to blog for sometime, but never really got down to doing it. being online seems almost a luxury, and even when i am, i'm hardly at the computer, or free enough to blog and crap.

recent events have rendered me speechless and utterly at a loss. i feel like shit, and i don't like to feel like shit. i'm so fucking tired of everything. i need a time out.

LOOK,

did i change? who are you to judge that i've changed? i've stated my stand over and over again that i never did believed in first impressions, and these years in my life has proven me wrong, when it comes to first impressions. impressions do change, and in what right are we, or you, to judge people whom you have no idea about?

i get really pissed thinking about it, because although i'm forcing myself to understand your point of view and trying my best to accomodate your change in moods when you freaking don't wanna tell me anything even when i asked, i cannot understand. simple as that.

i've tried, and im getting more frustrated, if not more jaded about your feelings.

it's not that i don't care anymore, it's just that i CANNOT care if you don't fucking tell me what's going on in your mind.

similarly, i cannot change my perceptions and mindsets when i've gotten to know that bunch of people whom i used to think were hooligans and useless bums. but they are not. they altered my perspective. they altered my first impressions of them. i do not know them VERY well, but i do not see the detrimental effects of their behaviour. at least in my eyes, they don't seem that destructive, or useless.

i am open-minded. and im NOT easily influenced.
sure, i do get cheated time and time again. but at least i TRY my fucking BEST to understand others first before judging them and stereotyping them as "XX type" and persistently refuse to see the bigger picture.

i know i screw up my life pretty much. and it's alot to screw it up more. i can continue create havoc, savaging the pieces i leave behind. i can continue fucking myself, upsetting the entire order it's supposed to be in. it's my choice. and i've not made any, but i'm quite sure i will not fuck it up too badly.



i don't know whether my judgements are right or wrong. i don't know ever whether the friends i make are good ones or bad ones. i am not close to them, so why should you guys be afraid?

you say i'm naive. i have no reply to that.
i'm so tired of all these politics.

just come up to my face and tell me how you feel. i am not going to guess anymore.

i like having fun. so is it a sin to have fun? i can take care of myself. tuesday night was a mistake. just another lesson learnt: don't go drinking if you're fucking tired AND hungry at the same time.


i drink for a reason. i don't drink to get drunk. and it was my first time vomitting anyway. fuck that.

i feel torn in between, and i do not mind that you guys are woried for me. i appreciate the kind intentions and concern. i appreciate, really do. i hope i know what i am doing, for you cannot ask me to not associate with them entirely. it's just not fair.

there has to be a compromise reached. there has to be something we can do.

i feel conflicted.
i am a nice person, but i also want to have fun and wild moments.
it seems like i almost cannot do both at the same time. either way, i'll be torn. either way, someone ends up disliking me.

i hate to make such decisions, because unless you fuck me up real bad, i'm a friend of everyone. i may seem all sacarstic and idiotic making fun of you, but i would never do that to you if i don't feel comfortable with you. the truth is, only my real friends who know me well know that. i like to be friends with everyone; enjoy going around school and being able to smile at people i meet at corridors, or stop to ask them about their day, or ask for updates on their life. because i care. i may look like i don't give a god damn shit about you, but i care. so unless you keep pushing me away, i'll be there. the decision lies in you, to pull me closer or to keep me at a distance.



i'm just feeling so PISSED off. seriously.

whoever who said that fucking "doormat" thing to that certain someone on purpose, that bitch will get it from me. nothing better to do issit? HAR? must come create politics in between people lah! friends leh! tmd.



and look, i'm not fucking doing whatever i am doing to get "popular". screw that. i never believed in such things. i actually ENJOY hanging out with certain people. and i choose my own company right? studying is alright, but i need a break sometimes. just gimme a god damn one ok? i'm not a nerd, never will be, and studying is NEVER my life. i've got more to that.


i am a nice person, so don't make me a bitch.

i find it so hard to believe what you say because you have no evidence.


true, i cannot fucking take care of myself. and i'm sorry i've imposed on you, but there's nothing much i can do about it. you not liking them doesn't mean i have to NOT like them also right? it's going against my own belief system. so what am i supposed to do? i cannot make someone who is so strict to her own beliefs accept someone else who is willing to be friends with her. one party has to give way. this will only spiral out of control.


i'm so tired of decoding what everyone has encoded for me. different perspectives, different opinions.

am i ruining myself? am i? HAVE I REALLY CHANGED? i don't see where i have.
i'm just showing another side of me i don't usually show.
maybe it's against my good nice little girl image, but hey, everyone has their inhibitions.

don't bullshit and say you are entirely nice. even greek gods are not.


see, the point is, i know there are people concerned about me, and i'm hoping i know what i am doing.
maybe just this once, i want to be selfish. perhaps someone someway will end up hating me, but at least i tried. i gave myself a chance to see what i want.

i will not lose out at all. so stop worrying.
all i'll lose at the end of it, might be just another person being ultra nice to me.
that's all i'll miss. beacuse no one ever did what he did for me.
just take things slow and easy.
life's a bitch.


and i've got to come up with more codes. abby, better synchronise ourselves eh? HA.
tinman. red shell? joss sticks?

blah.


lighter note: tml's esl presentation. we bluffed deva and gui that it is a formal ppt, so "forced" them to dress up in shirts and well..jeans lah. fine. lol, both ab and i going to be in office wear too! funny! kinda looking forward to it.

it's friends like these that keep me going.

mid terms gonna suck. results gonna suck. time to buck up and concentrate. i may not be as hardworking as you, but at least i try. balance work, life, friends, love.


timeout.

semi-colon.

the haze sucks.
i'm falling sick.


he's gone to brunei and i'm missing him a hell lot.


there is tons of ugc to study and i need to start soon.


it's here finally, and the pain is worth it.
at least i know i'm normal again.


so many things have happened recently, and again, i'm struggling to adapt.
but i can live lah.


i'm someone's ehhh...."mei".
yea, i didn't ask. he volunteered, and since he's relatively nice, so..ok lor.
no strings attached anyway.
just feels werid if people treat me nicer than normal.


yawn.


somehow, i think i've found the reason behind my procrastinating.
my heart skipped a beat when i saw you.
it was involuntary, it was wrong.
it felt like deja vu.
like how i knew you in my past life.
but it's all wrong, nothing continues.
i've made a decision, and you've made yours finally.
it's a new chapter, steps into a new phase.


it's time, to move on.



my usb wire doesn't want to recognise my phone, so the tribal henna picture cannot be posted up. later maybe.


ten days. in between, please come date me after wednesday. =)
i miss everyone.
i miss you monz, chip, RBG, and the rest.
i miss shopping, sleeping, relaxing.
i miss having money.
i'm so fucking poor.
i need to start a savings plan..

sigh.


so sing me songs and make me melt.
i'm bad at interpretation, but i'm glad for the company.

liao zhai.

WTF. meow that auntie watches LIAO ZHAI lah. HAHAHAH.
super hilarious.


tml's ESL mid terms. sian sian. EDITING, CONNECTORS, READING AND ESSAY. all in two hours. i'm so gonna die. going to be brain dead by then lah. =(

today staying in school after PSY to "mug" abit turned out to be a rather amusing time. hahaha. laughed alot.

xian tong xue.
tian zhu ren.
ku lao shi.
suan zhong cai.

HAHAHA. retarded.

seriously. we have nothing better to do lah.
then sit inbetween abs and grey ge very sian i tell you. everytime they talk i must bend infront or lean back. can become their TABLE somemore. win liao. =(
and they freak me out. study study study halfway will give a LAUGH. i'm serious! super random! hahaha.

got a super huge henna painted on the side of my right leg. chio. abby rocks! thanks girl! hahahah. i still owe you a NICE testimonial. *grins* mooncake!

lantern festival's almost here! no celebrations. i miss sparklers and all that. sigh. make a wish.

it's not going to be easy getting a god damn gpa of 3.7. *sigh* kinda demoralised. gotta work harder i guess. *double sigh*


i wonder what kinda impression i give to people.
*ponders*

lost my brain.

thinking back, how i think i lost part of my cognitive thinking today.

*frowns*

it's damn bad. studying CSE really conked me out. slept at freaking 4am cos' i couldn't finish studying, and i still didn't finish studying, and i think i'm going to do badly. SIGH. good lucks to me. FUCKKKKKK.

common expression recently. =(

then i couldn't process thoughts on my mind. reacted damn slowly. made quite a few mistakes. even ab says "cannot follow jielin today" liao. hahahah.

i'm going for a jog laters. long lost exercise. i'm a fat pig, officially.

flattered by certain remarks about me today, but still in self-doubt.
touched by encouragements from people.
happy from jokes by people.


(random)

so what am i to you?
what you are to someone may not be what you are to others.

it's so hard to understand.

the level of self-disclosure you should offer, and be assured that it'll be reciprocated. or be just left feeling like a fool, standing alone.

how can you possibly feel so lonely, even when you're surrounded by people?

shoulder to shoulder, yet strangers.

two words exchanged, so does that make us friends?


i gave up coffee and cigarettes,
i hate to say, it hasn't helped me yet.
i thought my problems would just disappear,
and all my pain would be in yesterday.
i poured by booze all down the kitchen drain,
and watched my bad habits get flushed away.
i thought that would keep my head on straight.
and all my pain would be in yesterday.

but it's true,
i'm still blue.
but i finally know what to do.

i must quit,
i must quit...you.

i thought that if i didn't go and play,
this sadness would get bored and go away,
i thought that if i didn't go astray,
then all my pain would be in yesterday.

i sold my guitar and my piano,
i thought that it was these that kept me low.
i thought if only i could try and change,
then all my pain would be in yesterday.

i must quit,
i must quit...you.

the nightmare is only half gone.

just some pictures to show you guys. i'm back! at least for the time being. being away from the computer and internet has been torturous, but for the benefit of me. tsk. the mid terms are half gone, nightmare also half gone.

part of meow, and THE GIRL WHO CALLED ME A BIMBO.

hel. the brain, the nainai.

abby.(or ABY. HAHAHA) the cool one. ompher.

NOW, my dears, this is CLASSIC. seriously. hahahah, i couldnt stop laughing after i took this picture and looked at it. it's not only the character in it, but the interesting background. speculations. *grins* in summary, very inglam lah. but that's meow i guess, genuinely unglam and real.

it was all tken during UGC lecture anyway.

results going to die liao. i think my GPA of 3.7 is virtually impossible. then again, it's only mid terms. and there are countless projects to settle, which takes up ridiculously large percentage. (self-comforting) revision of the modules i'm taking now has definitely been a less torturous process than in JC. maybe because i have interest in most topics(other than cse). the handling of new information is both refreshing and scary.

learnt so many things about communication which i didn't used to know. it was all very enlightening. pity the com101 teacher kenna revolted against. hahah.

watched bridget jones's diary today in class. part of it anyway. media and gender. our current topic. interesting. get to watch movies, but must analyse! =(

i'm left with ESL and UGC for now. terrible. then it's projects galore.


school has been good so far. i'm serious. =) somehow...i can't seem to find someone whom i can truly tell my problems to and stuff. it's just wierd. you know, the feeling of mixing with all. but none heartfelt depth. takes time i guess. i'm just distributing my troubles. hahah.

misinterpretations?