nus?

went to the nus open house. i felt the way i felt when i went to sajc open house after my sec 4 days.

like a dream i cannot wait to come true.


i looked at the seniors, with awe and such eagerness to be one of them. to start my university life. a new life. strange and scary, but yet exciting and full of mystery.


i'm attracted.



the talks bored me, i admit.

but walking around the halls promoting hostels and camps and ccas, i cannot help feeling that rush of adrenalin. hopes of me being amongst one of them in the coming times ahead. the sports, the new friends, the new classes, the new teachers, the new environment, the new EVERYTHING!


the seniors were very friendly and smiley. hahaha. all sorts of people from all sorts of places approached me. luckily, today the turnout in nus was minimal, which made looking at their handmade signs easier. quite interesting though. i'm attracted by a particular hall. and i'm attracted by many ccas and faculties, mostly in FASS though.

but overall, the funniest was that some guy from a rock band recruiting station thought i was from a rock band(presumbly abbas's). LOL. i was rather horrified when he asked me to join them, but i assured him that i'll be of no use to him because of my lack of musical talents. hahaha. turns out that he was a sajc senior. he even took out his ezlink card to show me his picture, bearing the photo of him in the uniform and tie. erm. yea. kinda wierd but funny. he was very very very friendly. perhaps overly. but maybe he was trying to make conversation because i was waiting for abbas to finish talking to the other band guy lah.

still, it was interesting. basic politeness is good. =)

then this faculty of science guy asked me to join them. like HUH?!?!?! no way man!!!! rahhhhh. no more sciences!!! i kept insisting i cannot do science anymore because i didn't like the subject and i was heading for FASS. sigh. persistent guy. but he seems very shy. very geeky kinda cute. lol.



sigh. many more strange encounters. oh, saw white ass and winnie too! hahaha.

confirmed much of my fears through talking with several people there.
i really really wish to enter nus FASS. it's really a hope, and a dream. psychology, sociology, geography, economics?

perhaps a minor in the future. business marketing and HR? PR? or should i do well enough to do a double degree. double major? all too early to think.

now. think for the application. and the results of it. =(



too late for regrets.






i absolutely hate blushing. my face heats up and burns like hell. and i thought i'm not one to blush. but again, i'm proven wrong.

so much to say, but just not here. not where everyone reads and sees through my masks.




tomorrow begins another terrible week. with salvation on monday nights for grey's anatomy, tuesday for C.S.I, wednesdays for ANTM, and well..saturday nights for peach girls(utterly lame and retarded, but i'm besotted by the storyline).

hahaha. so off i go. with good news that my tuition pay will be raised for p6 english from april to $13 per hour! YAY!!! hopefully other lessons also increase. =)



my weeds are overgrown again.

dilemma.

i hate problems.
they say you fight and solve problems, then in the process you grow up and mature and learn how to handle different situations better.

it's kinda bullshit.

i feel torn now.

somehow, my fate seems to lie nowhere.



i'd like to think that i have a path everywhere, but hey, who am i kidding?
haha. i'm no smart ass. i'm no talented person.
who would want me? i want so many things. i want so many dreams.
am i just cheating myself by believing in myself STILL and still working towards my dreams?
or should i just face reality and choose what would help me in my future years?


i hate the thought that at this point of time, everyone is headed for vastly different routes. i hate the thought that i'll be separated from so many good friends, and with a high chance of being alone in a faculty by myself. to start all over again from square one. i dread the thought. i like changes. but i hate in-familarity.

ironic?


i just hate thinking so much. it's like playing scrabble after a day of shit ass tuitioning and marking papers.

i just hate..being distant from people i love and care about.

but i also hate being not able to follow my dreams.

which path should i take??? god dammit.




i cannot even think straight to piece my thoughts properly.




you know, people have often reprimanded me on my harsh insight of relationships. perhaps it's true. perhaps it's not. i just think i'm one able to function independently without a partner. just yet. sometimes i think differently. i guess i'm similar to many girls. i do waver. i do crumple. maybe i pick myself up faster than others, but i still need support at times. i just strongly believe that, if you were willing to step into a relationship initially, then you should have the courage to entirely remove yourself from it when it ends.

i hate people wallowing in self-pity. and i hate people who cannot pull themselves out of their "endless pit" regardless of the countless advices and encouragements others gave.

i'm sick of being there for people who don't even want to help themselves. i am a patient person. but come on, wake up and open your eyes. only YOU can help YOURSELF.



another thing. i feel that where it concerns feelings, what's to come will come. there's no point denying it when it's so apparent already.

aiya, what the shit i'm rambling about, i don't know. i'm just f***ing tired from all that tuitioning, slavery pay and lack of social life.


i'm just tired of thinking so much. kills brain cells. evaluating and decisions and plans.






this friday night was one of the best i've ever had. :)


but somehow, the moment the fun and happy hours ended, everything came back to plague me.

damn sad.

i've failed as a girl.



i recently used this picture as my handphone wallpaper.






one student from pri 5 english asked me this:

"'cher! why your handphone picture got THREE GUYS one?"

=(


damn sad ok. hahahah. but he went on to say something very funny also.


"teacher, who are these boys? why they look so ah beng one?"


LOL.


"teacher, are these your boyfriends?"
"no lah! got two leh, how can teacher have two boyfriends? these two boys got girlfriends liao lah!"
"har? teacher you got boyfriend not?"
"erm..don't have lah.."
"why don't have?"
"don't know leh."



i get asked this question several times very week. and it's not nice to answer one lor. why do students always wonder about the personal life of their teachers? hahahah.

even my popo asking me when i getting a "ah boy" also. wah lau. she tell me don't worry, cos' i'll find one when i go uni.

and the problem is I NEVER EVEN COMPLAIN THAT I WANT A BOYFRIEND CAN???!

just because my elder sister has one, doesn't mean i also must get one right? they always say the elder must marry first right? hehe.








the students always scare me with a cockroach scare.
they say the classroom we always use has a cockroach, which coincidentally i've never seen before.

everytime i start the lesson, they'll just tell me:

"'CHER! THERE'S A COCKROACH BY YOUR LEG!!!"
"really!!" *looks down at my feet in terror*

-_-'''


don't have lor.


sometimes, you tell yourself to start being cleverer and witter at handling them. but kids just have this way of going around you and outwitting you at times.

tsk.

monday blues.

i thought sunday was bad enough, monday was worse.

tuitioning today was lousy. private tuition pissed me off. i pity the kid, but i really felt so impatient...and i rarely feel impatient..=(

tuition centre really set me on fire. somehow, i got so upset with them i just couldnt be bothered to scold them anymore. at times, i wonder, do they even respect me at all? i hate being all strict and good-two-shoes, but i really cannot stand being all slack too. it seems impossible to be able to balance them together.

and i won't put on a dumb show and tell people i'm the greatest teacher ever, because obviously, i am not. and will never be.

i like teaching kids. i love kids. but long term? no way. i'm dying already.

i look towards the table, and there is a mountain of work for me to mark. turned off. really put off.

i'm tired. it's a fucking lousy monday. i feel damn pms.



and it didn't helped that a student told me that i am fat.

just let me die. give me a damn rest.

give me a god damn rest from all this shit stress. being a teacher is no joke. don't ever underestimate teachers(excluding those who sleep in lessons and teach like they couldn't be bothered with the students.)


i try my best, but who really appreciates?

lame shit.

talking to best friend pjc and telling him not to worry cos' with HIS grades, he sure can go to his course one. then i was telling him because i'll be the foundation then will push his chances up mah..





me: don't worry lah..
me: i'll be your foundation..
jc: whahahaha
jc: what foundation
jc: i'll be your....
jc: mascara
me: ................................
me: WTF

reflections.

it's not the end of the world. and i feel so much better.

worrying kills me. and i should stop doing that cos' i feel so much happier and free now.

it helps not to worry about the results anymore cos' it's more or less there already.

hahaha. oh well, people fall to only become stronger. =) and i feel stronger already.

i will find a way for things to work out for me. and i am strong and independent.

one thing i realised, i'm very good at comforting people, but i suck at consoling myself. heh.

the world will not end because of this. there is so much out there waiting for me. somehow, it jsut doesn't seem so important anymore, all these stuff. sure, it's a clear path to what people deem as "success" in real life, but so what if i take the slower and longer route, BUT still get there in the end?

i've been complacent. and this has taught me to be modest. i've been lazy, and this has taught me the meaning of "you reap what you sow". i've been foolish in the choice of subjects, and this has only taught me to choose what really interests me in the future.




a million little pieces is good. graphic yes. but certainly teaches alot. hahaha.

oh wells. for now, i just hope i'm a good and effective tuition teacher. cos' i cannot afford so many kids failing on me. my classes keep growing and growing and growing. and the pressure gets serious. the parents are really nice and friendly and sincere, that makes me want to help their children more. hahahha. and it helps that they find me "sweet-looking teacher". LOL. but then again, i can be quite fierce and strict on them.

hope they don't hate me lah.



i hate people who don't associate with me suddenly msging me on msn or on the phone. i mean sure, we know each other, but we are not CLOSE CLOSE friends. some people not even my FRIENDS in the first case. and they suddenly come be all friendly towards me. THEN, they ask questions that i really don't want to answer them. really. this has to stop. i hate people like that hypocrites asses.



on a side note, i'm really glad that i have people i call true blue friends, brothers or sisters that really care for me, and i care for. cos' to me, having a million friends mean nothing, if you have not a single close friend you can rely on.

monica, please be strong k? i'll be always here. 80 year old bond liao. =)

screw it all.

somehow, it's really so screwed up i don't know to feel happy or awful.

happy cos' at least i got a complete cert, but awful because it's neither here nor there, which might summarise to the fact that i have no where to go. and no one will accept me.

it's so fucking hard to accept failure.




NO ONE EVER GETS USED TO FAILING.

and those who never failed before will never understand the feeling of failure. so DON'T EVER SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OK.


fuck it.


ok lah. i better stop cursing. and start thanking the people that really helped me stop my flood gates.


marshy, u really have to be the first person i want to thank. really grateful that i have someone like you around to rely on. although i may not be a very good friend to reprocicate, but i'm trying my best. thanks alot for the hug that really calmed me down from my stupid tears. marshy will be here for you, just one call, and i'm available ok. we must be strong and brave thru this shit. :) we can do it. we really can.

eugene, thanks alot for your comforts also.
thanks to jee cheng, yun ma, zw, syaffy, monz, hf, miss tan and miss fz. plus alot other people.

sigh.

i'm sick of all this shit already. sometimes i tell myself i'll be strong and brave. but sometimes it's not so easy. but i'll try my best.