birthday of my popo. national day.

that's me and sis, starting our photo spasm. hee.


another one..she wants to take a "act-cool" picture..but i kept bursting out in laughter cos' it's damn hard to "act-cool" for me..=X


parents taking the limelight.


that's my card for my popo! the cover page la..


that's how it looks like INSIDE the card. ya, i know it looks REALLY kiddish. but i tried my best ok!!! and i really put alot love into it! YAYS!! :)

just because.

because i was afraid. because things happened. because life made me realise. because life made me change.

because i suddenly realised how much i love you. how much i love you both.

today is my popo's birthday. i sincerely wish her a very happy birthday, and may she stay healthy and happy always. i hate to see her burdened with troubles. i hate to see her wrinkle her forehead. i hate to see her worrying about her children, her grandchildren. i want to see her happy. i want her to be happy. and i want to be a source of her happiness.

i don't know why, but since young i've loved my popo tremendously. the love for her was so much greater than my love for my mother. and im sure the love is still as strong as before. it's just that as i grow older, i neglected her, i withdrew from her love and care and concerns, i withdrew whenever she drew closer. i withdrew as i grew older and became a young adult, while she cares over my younger cousins and nieces. i feel guilty about it.

it's not because i don't love her anymore. it's just because i give myself excuses that im entering adolescence, and i should be left alone. grandparents are not cool.

that's a total bullshit.

my grandparents are practically my life. i love them with all my heart.

they pampered me with everything they had. they showered me with endless abundance of love and care. they gave me everything i wanted. i was the apple of their eye. i really was. (not trying to sound bhb or what la)

i almost lost my grandfather to a stroke that he suffered 2 years ago. there has be reoccurences. relapses. recoveries. every incident would leave me with breathlessness and panic. panic that i may lose him altogether. panic that i may never get to see him to tell him how much i love him and appreciate him.

he is mostly senile now. once i greeted him in chinese new year visit to my grandparents' home, and he thought i was someone else. i could not blame him, but could only gently remind him im not that someone else, but his grand-daughter. i visited him in the hospital while he was receiving treatment. he was so immobile that he had difficulties eating. the sight of tubes running through him, and watching him struggle to sit up and hold the spoon in his trembling hands tore me apart. i had to fight back my tears to restrain myself from tearing there infront of everyone. it hurt me so much, to see him weak and fighting the battle of illnesses, relieving memories where he was once robust and healthy.

he has lost so much weight since.

i remember visiting him in the hospital once. he was having his meal, and yet he could not even hold the spoon in his trembling hands properly. since he was paralysed on one side, he could only use one side of his hand to lift up the spoon to feed food into his mouth. i fed him instead. he refused to eat the vegetables, and even complained constantly to me, of how horrible the hospital meals were, how tasteless they are. i had to persuade him like a little child, encouraging him to eat a little of everything, for it's for the better of his diet. the relatives around him said the same thing too before, and hence told me not to waste my breath. but i persisted.

and he listened! he actually obediently ate all the food that i fed him. nodded his head to indicate he understood what i was trying to tell him..these small gestures, though simple by nature, made me appreciate and very relieved, that actually he still remembered me. despite his senile condition, he could still register me as his grand-daughter. and that, touched me to tears.

no words can truly describe my love for them. it is difficult to pen my emotions in this state of melancholy, with the silent night surrounding me. it is the perfect night for reminiscence. it is the perfect night to think of what i've missed out on and had taken for granted in my life.

for because things that may be a part of our lives now, may not be existent in our lives the next moment. for because that is life.

the term in itself, is not for us to comprehend. rather, it is for us to start treasuring what we have in our lives now, to appreciate their value, and most importantly, to let those we value KNOW that we value them. i do not want to regret not hugging her and telling my popo how much i love her. i do not want to regret not caring about my ah gong and blame myself for the rest of my life over his illness. i want to be there for them, whenever they need support--both silent and known.

for they have watched me grow up. and i have watched them grow old.

for i love them, and i want them to know that.

because often in today's world, the mere existence of human relationships, is but that of the whift of casper presence.

because we often do not know what we've missed in our lives, only until when it's lost, and everything too late for remedy, then we look back and regret, and this remorse consumes us for as long as we remember.

and because people always say: good things do not last.

oh, how true that is.

if i cannot make it last, then perhaps i shall make it worthwhile.

blahs.

hey you, do you know that i dreamt of you last night, and that i cried in my dream? i guess you don't know. and i hope you never will, because im too much of a pride-person to want to voice out my pains and sadness.

don't mistake my intentions. i meant it when i wish you all the best. i meant it when i said you deserve better, and that you really taught me to treasure what we have before it's all too late. i meant everything i said.





thank you to zihao who listened to my nonsense ramblings on the bus to clementi today. i really appreciated having a listening ear once in a while. sometimes, life is not only all about fun, fun and fun. sometimes, just slow down your pace, and lend me a shoulder to lean on, a ear to listen to me pour out my woes, give me a sincere smile to brighten up my day, and a little pat on my back to tell me not to give up regardless of anything.

:) thanks to all who did that. you all should know who you are.

anyways, today was national day celebration in school. i was VERY skeptical about the fiesty pursuit or whatever was planned for us. why? BECAUSE THERE WAS A STUPID ECONS TEST. BAH. :(

but the race thingy around the school turned out better than expected. in fact, it was quite fun! :) hahahaha. well well, this tells us never to judge anything from it's cover right? there was this point whereby the councillors asked us to stand up to sing along with them a national day song. then no one stood up, but they started waving their econs notes along to the music. HAHAHAHA. mans, that sight was something to behold man! :D but i guess the mood was really all wrong for alot of us because despite WANTING to have fun, we couldnt stop thinking of the econs test that would face us at the end of all these fun. so i couldnt really put down everything to enjoy myself.

i rmb the days back in rv where i loved to celebrate national day because the singing was fun, watching people dress up was fun, taking pictures was fun, eating food was fun! :) hahaha, being with friends was fun!

yea, but things seemed to have changed. *shrugs*

was supposed to watch charlie and the chocolate factory after our class crystal jade outing, BUT town was so crowded and we couldnt get a suitable timing slot. headed for clementi, also very late. so slacked around. DRANK BUBBLE TEA(i can't believe that, so primary school days!!) and played cards. the rest were quite kind to teach me how to play la. im really a lousy card buddy. i can't play cards for NUTS. guess i was brought up in an environment whereby my parents strongly opposed of gambling and playing card games..*shrugs* nevermind la, i don't think gambling constitutes to a great part of my life in the future anyway.

oh ya! xiao long bao at crystal jade was DAMN NICE!!! oh man. hahahah, i practically floated to heaven la. :) the la-mians were also not bad la! *grins* but i don't know why i can never seem to finish one bowl of noodles completely one. super full at the 1/2 part of the noddles. hahaha. and white aS* and haoz were still complaining how hungry they were! PIGS!!! :D

i wanna watch bewitched, the maid, charlie and the chocolate factory, and this korean/jap horror flick which i don't know the title..hahahha. damn.

sigh. anyway, if you need to know, im gonna fail my econs test. yea. i was faced with a rude shock. yays. at least it's only a test. gotta buck up!

realised so little time left. so much to do. die die. scared like hell.

i was just thinking. this year im gonna spend my natioanl day with my relatives, since it's my popo's birthday! hahaha, im not trying to say it's a sad thing or what, cos' i simply love my popo to bits, but well, there is a con of not being able to watch the fireworks. sighs. somehow, i just missed the times when i always had someone to accompany me to watch fireworks.

this year, im all alone. well, literally im not, considering i have relatives and family. BUT, i mean..ya..you know..nevermind if you don't.

im talking crap. BLAHS. low standard entry.

oh yea, may yun ma recover asap ok!! mans, hope you're feeling better already! :) bless u!

took so many pictures today! hahahaha. i can't wait to get them. we were talking about setting up a class photo blog so EVERYONE can get the pictures of class outings from there! :) i can't wait man!!! hahahah..

berd is so irritating with his camera tricks which he calls "artistic and interesting pictures". :D but at least he took alot of interesting pics. ya right. hahahaha.

my diet doesn't seem to be working!! :X



you once told me, it's not about having things forever.
because forever doesnt exist? i asked.
no. you answered gently.
because it's good enough that we've had before, and it's better than not having it at all.

//_cos' you took everything, while i was staring at the sun.

observations.

you know sometimes i thank god for giving me eyes. eyes to see the world, be it looking at things that disgust me, saddens me, angers me, or gets me all emotional. sometimes i look at life, look at people, and i think. i think alot. i really do. and that poses a problem to me, cos' i tend to think too much.

sure, my IQ-wise may not be that high. i don't think that academically much, but i do think about things happening around the world. i don't voice them out actually. cos' people have conflicting views about the world out there, and they are given their rights to their insights. i have my rights too. so whether you like it or not, it stays.

i saw this family of 3 come into mac yesterday. i was attracted to the little boy initially. he was abit pestering. i mean, he kept pestering his parents, jumping up and down, yelling around. but he's just a kid la, cut him some slack.
so when i saw his father grab him and snap "SHUT UP" to his face, i was utterly stunned. and then anger hit me. i don't know what exactly happened at that moment, i was so tempted to go up to the father and slap him on his face. but of cos' civilised people don't do that, so i did not budge from my seat. i just sat there, and stared daggers at the father. he saw me glaring at him a couple of times, and he looked away. (i hope it was cos' of guilt) but the father did not stop there. his snapping at the poor boy got louder and louder. and he GRABBED the boy REALLY HARD. i could see how his palm enclosed the small boy's arm and shook it while he reprimanded the boy.

and that kid was just asking his father to give him a mcnugget to eat. and he got slapped on the hand when he tried to reach over to take one nugget.

actually what i want to say is that i truly do not believe in child abuse/violence to resolve problems in a child. i know that bringing up a child, or children may be frustrating and tests our everyday nerves to the limits, but i hope that all parents are aware that child/children brigns not only pain and sadness, but also joy. and most of the time, the joy brought about by them, cannot be found anywhere else in the grown-ups inthis world.

i've interacted with many children before. and i must say, they are bundles of hyperactive beings. :) they constantly bring smiles to my face, lightening my mood, surprising me with their innocence and simple intellect, making me glad that children are able to live their childhood to the fullest, for they do deserve to enjoy the purest form of love and happiness while they are young. to them, everything is simple. everything has a reason.

actions of violence--physical or verbal abuse on children will not only bring harm to their helpless bodies, but also scarring that is permanent and lives for life. children have this amazing ability, be it fortunate or not, the ability to have stark memories of their lives. such trauma on them is apprently unforgettable, unless the trauma might be so great that the child is able to psychologically brainwash himself from recalling the "bad and scary memories". but i guess im no pro in that aspect, the psychologists/psychiatrists know better.

i certainly do not approve of parents snapping at their children to "SHUT UP" or even grabbing them with such force. it is not permitable for me. i neverdid it to any child so far, and i hope i never will. what kind of child will the traumatised one grow up to become after experiencing such incidents during their childhood? i have no idea. but i read of many that continued their parents' way of doings onto THEIR own children. isn't this a vicious cycle? is this what we really want to promote in our society? violence? they say the well-being of a child depends on the teachings of their parents. i do not agree fully with this.

children grow up to become teenagers, and then young adults, and finally mature adults. we go through a long process of this life, to finally emerge as a "final product" of ourselves. we are shaped by people, things, events around us. we are shaped by ourselves too. parents' teachings may be useful in the earlier part of our years, but as we grow up, some become rebellious, some may remain obedient. the rebellious part of us screams to deny(and infact, always do the opposite) of what our parents wish us to do. we cannot blame parents if they had indeed tried their very best to tell a child what's right and wrong, and YET their child may turn out to be the very ooposite of what they tried to teach to the child. because sometimes, it's not only that of the parents fault, but we ourselves, are accountable to what and who we become.

as much as we hate to admit it, it's true to a large extent.

that's of course my view.
i've rambled on so far, not sure of what my main topic of this part of the entry is, but what im trying to say here, is that i do not believe in child violence, and neither do i think that we should always blame the parents for the wrong-doings of any child. i do hope in the future, if i were to have children, i will not let any incidents of child abuse happen on him/her.
the cane that my father used when i was young, has terrorised me till this day. i shiver whenever i look at a cane. and it's this part of me that is terrified, of bringing this fear to children, that i so much want to protect them.
---------------------------
on a lighter note, i was listening to p10. i am still listening to it. but i was really entertained by the "home" program hosted by daniel ong. firstly, it boosts local talents in the music industry, and even plays the tapes and recordings sent by local home singers, people like you and me, who are aspiring to become singers, or simply people who love to sing and have a band formed by themselves.
i heard many good songs. i heard PUG JELLY. and i LOVE pug jelly. so i was quite hyperventilating when their songs were played. :P
anyway, i heard one other song by supernova(or something like that) called chole. that song was good. very radio-friendly. i wonder if i can download from the internet.
anyways, SUPPORT LOCAL TALENT!

and there's another category of songs i love: oldies. yeah yeah, not so much of chinese oldies, but more of english ones. they are really good to listen to. not your usual hard rock or pop songs. just soothing oldies with good velvety voices. :)

i think there may be too much content in this entry for today, guess i shall end here. seems to be thinking alot recently. hahaha, but doubt if anyone will bother to read my rubbish musings anyway. :) just wanted to record it all..STM. :D

till then, PUG JELLY REALLY ROCKS! :) im looking forward to their new album. thank god they've not disbanded.

meet E.T

hahaha. well, before i forget, sista's little finger is freaking cute ok! reminded me of E.T!!! :D

im gonna snap a picture of it soon mans!

but i hope it recovers soon la! :)






have you ever coughed until u vomitted and teared and couldnt breathe?

well, i experienced that on the bus to school.

it was like:

*cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**WHEEZE**cough*
*cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**GASP**cough**cough*
*cough**cough**cough**GASP**cough**cough**cough**cough*
-tearing violently-
*cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**WHEEZE**cough*
*cough**cough**cough**cough**cough*
-people staring-
*cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**GASP FOR AIR**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough*
-vomit rises up my throat-
-i swallowed it back-
*cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough**cough*
[duration: about one minute plus non-stop]


HEY I KNOW ITS DISGUSTING! but i was on the bus and i had no where to puke ok! *shrugs*

i hate those coughing fits. i have had a few before this one already. but this is the first time the vomit actually came up, and i could taste my breakfast.

damn yucky.

little bits of mac studying.

recently has been going to mac near my house to study. i like the environment because there is this really nice mac lady at the counter with an ever cheerful smile to greet me. she's really really undeniably nice until i have nothing to say. hahahaha. :) i might just vote her for employee of the year if there is a feedback form. :)

ate so many double cheese burger these few days consecutively. i think i might just forgo it tomorrow if i were to head for macs again. gonna get very sick of it. *grimaces*

and i heard the national song on the mac tv play so many times i can practically chant it out in my head. BLEH. seriously. over-play and over-publicising is lousy advertisement ok. not good for people who sits at mac(UNDER THE TV SOMEMORE) for almost half a day. BAH. i would have went mad. but thank god for my shuffle. LIFE IS RANDOM! :) but actually i also getting REALLY sick of the songs in my shuffle already. shuffle here shuffle there but i seem to have heard all the songs a thousand times. :(

but neverminds. im gonna grant mac a chance, cos' ruien is soooo chio! hahahah. :D she's really cute la. undeniable ok! and i witnessed some really cute moments too. im not trying to sound patriotic or what, but it really made me smile when i saw this puny primary school kid look up at the tv with excitement, and sang loudly to the lyrics. :) well, national education has certainly served its purpose well! i do love singapore, but sometimes there are things in this country that i simply do not favour as much. one very good example is education. (ok, i don't wanna get sued or whatever, so i'll stop the discussion here.)

the place is indeed very distracting to say the least. i was distracted from the countless ah bengs and ah lians that roamed the macs. distracted from the screaming kids. from the irritating "mina-s" that shrieked and cursed constantly. (YES I CAN STILL HEAR THEM DESPITE MY SHUFFLE--that's how bad it was ok!) the parents that came with their kids and sat down together with the other parents who came with their kids to talk about stuff like what they bought in the market, and most commonly, their kids' results. *sigh*

well, there were many strange individuals too. undoubtedly strange. but yet i cannot deny that perhaps some may think i am just as strange as i think they are. well, take this guy who sat infront of me in macs. he was using his laptop and browsing the internet i think. and yea, i kinda *accidentally* saw his stuff. HEY IM NOT PEEPING! but it was like screaming out in my face la! :P hahahha, he was browsing this webbie with women parading in swimsuits. erm..ya. -no comments-

/irrelevant.
my mum let me try two skirts a minute ago. hahahaha. damn funny ok. stripped one. then the material is gd la, BUT it looked like boxers. =X even jie agrees. HAHAHAHA. but eh, branded leh. :X hahahaha. nvm la, im not that brand conscious anyway, so i rejected the skirt. :)
/back to topic.

hmmm, yea, then i saw this super duper cute boy dressed in full army uniform. i mean he's like really young, at most K1 age. he entered the mac with his father(who also looked rather gd himself). then he started screaming:
"DADDY I WANT THISSSS!!!"
"shhh, boy!"
"DADDY I WANT THIS PINK EGG!!! HAPPY MEAL!!!" *bangs his little palms on the showcase*
"boy! quiet...!" *signs a warning to the boy while gently pinching his cheek*

darn. they looked really cute together. reminded me of my childhood. used to be so pampered last time. sigh. =( i wanna be a little kid again.

so anyhow, not wanting to sound desperate or anything, but i kinda find malay guys attractive. they have really good features and the best eyes! :) hahaha, nice! but no worries, i don't know any malay guys really well so i don't have any plans to pounce on them. neither will i(if i DO know them). im not that sick ok!

hmmm, im really following a strict diet. not NOT eating la, just eating less, and moderately. hopefully i can shed a few kgs in 2 months time. :) i'll feel so much better about myself. so please don't worry, im STILL eating. just less. :)

today's civics was a ppt by differentiated gp grp about blogging. seriously, sometimes i do not understand all that hoo-ha about blogging. c'mon, im sure everyone blogs. almost everyone. be it online or offline(in written diaries). people who know me really well would know that i have short term memory(STM), which means i have to blog to remind me of stuff. i have had many "diaries" before this one. both written ones and online ones. but most of the time, i stopped entering my lif ein them halfway, and they got archived. i still have my opendiary though. :) it's nice to read back about my life once in a while. im actually quite impressed at my writings a few years back. it was sincere, straight to the point, and really emotional. i guess it was a tough year back then. but i seemed to be so much happier back then. more happy entries than sad ones. *shrugs* well, people grow up.

i grow sad.

anyway, i died in mac doing econs. it was really intensive econs. i was trying to understand the notes, the policies, and struggling with the tys Qs. i REALLY almost died(white as* i hope u understand). it's like getting more and more difficult. arghhhs. and i CANNOT fail or do badly for econs. i really wanna excel in it la. arghhhs. stressed.

not that i don't wanna excel in other subs la. sigh. but i have alot interest in econs. yea. im gonna jiayou for other subs also la. :)

im craving for hot chocolate.

darn my cough, flu, blocked nose, sore throat and slight fever.

everyone seems to be falling sick. bad, bad, bad.

im looking forward to ponning lessons and school totally. i wish we'd get our study break now. sigh.

i think im supposed to do alot of geog hwk. but im really lazy. so you know what? heck. im not doing. he's gonna go thru the answers anyway. sigh.

long long entry. but yea, just felt like saying alot things la. typing is so much faster than writing. hahahah. :) this is why online blogs are gd. but when things are more private, of cos' a written one wld be gd. :) but i don't have any written diaries now la. hmmmm.

random thoughts.

on the bus to school, was thinking, sometimes, it's gd that i don't have high-flying parents who are great in everything such as careers and education. cos' then, i don't have to live up to expectations--of them, myeslf, and others.

i won't mention what caused me to think so, but yea, was watching tv mobile cna and it prompted me to think la.

moral of story though, is that i still have to live up to my own expectations, and others'. cos' i just have to. *shrugs*

music selection currently: jazz.

anyone has nice jazz-y songs? please send me! thanks! :)

sick. sick. sick.

no, im not talking about zihao(HAHAHAHAHA. oops i think he'll read this), im talking about myself actually. i am ultra super duper sick now.

can't think.
can't concentrate.
can't breathe.
can't do hwk properly.
im killing many trees.
used 7 packets of tissues today.
slpt unknowingly during many lessons today.
cldnt get anything concrete into my head.

conclusion: im screwed.

so little time. so much to do. i really dunno how to get past As with decent grades to get me to SMU doing the course i want. i wanna die.

im a loser.

so many things have happened recently. very busy. so i'll just give short updates.

learning festival was fune. went for four courses officialy. first impressions and ancient civilisation museum. URA and plaster cast your hand. all quite fun! :) crashed a few courses such as fencing and badminton. then "taught" floorball. but din really teach anything also anyway.

yea. wasted 2 gd days. after that friday afternoon was ocip selection camp. i think i hardly ate or slpt in peace for those 2 days or so. SUPER BUSY CAN. sigh. but i enjoyed myself la. realised that bonds and friendships were built all over again, strengthened, and also recalled many sweet memories of all that shit we went through last year. sigh. :) got to know some j1s too. heh. some of them keep saying hi to me on monday. bah. felt super funny. cos' they din dare say hi to ziwan. must be she too fierce liao. :D

half and hour of slp in those 2 days in total. then i went home packed my stuff and bathed. around 11plus 12 at night already. K.O-ed in bed. 12 hour hibernation. woke up at 12pm the next day. :)

school has been havoc and tiring. im taking a break. especially when im sick. 3/4 of my energy seems to be sapped away from me. i wish to stop going school now. think last time rv days where we get our free study periods were so shiok. i dunwan go school!!! ARGHS. screwed up life in a quite bad environment. no wonder dingo said "xian tian hou ku". now i understand.

was at mac trying to breathe and study at the same time today. wah, saw alot ah bengs and ah lians. im actually quite impressed at the teenagers today.

-they have cooler and higher tech phones than me(but i think everyone does la :( )
-they dress much better.
-they can wear sports shoes and sneakers to school!
-they have huge piercings
-they die their hair
-their hair super funky can??!
-they are open with their BGR.
-they scold alot vulgarities.
-they don't know what does "silence" means.
they eat alot fast food.
-they seem to have ALOT ALOT money.
-and oh, ALOT ALOT ALOT time.


while i was frantically trying to stuff some maths formulas into my pea brain, they were slacking away, talking non-stop, going in and out of macs, bringing in more friends, leaving with some friends. they seemed to have time for EVERYTHING. don't they ever need to study?

perhaps im gneralising, cos' what i saw today wasthe ah bengs and ah lians from neighbourhood schools near my house. hmmmm. bu still, i guess they'll out grow it la. i bet i was like them last time. super unglam.

but im still not glam now la.

got maths test tml. die already. impossible to finish. i think i really wanna die. sometimes i wish i can die before my As. den dun hafta take the exam and see the results. sigh.

sometimes i just wish i dun live on this earth. i'll be a much happier spirit.

but i cant give up now. unless i park myself in the middle of orchard ROAD for cars to knock me down or something. but orchard so busy. trafffic jam, want to knock also cannot.

:(

i really need alot determination. please give me those. someone please help me. i feel like im losing myself day by day.

losing to everything. everyone. even myself.

im lost. im miserable.