beautiful day.

finally could sleep till 10am today. BAH. so tired mans. work.

tuition was ok. algebra for my cousin. TERROR. but relatively easy. hahahah.

anyway, met abbas for movie afterwards at bugis. finally watched death note2! good! but tragic ending.

sometimes, when you take a little quiet time alone to observe people around you, strangers, friends, you notice things you don't usually see.

it's a beautiful day.
many things made me smile, and appreciate life i have.
it's far from perfect, but i'm glad i grew up with the right values and morals. not that these values are perfect, but at least i can live with it.
it pisses me whenever i see kids littering all over the place, throwing tissues onto the floor after eating, and their parents don't bother to even TELL them it's wrong and to pick up the paper from the floor and throw it into the bin instead.

perhaps it's because i've seen dirtier and less desirable places, unhygenie and almost barely unfit for living. maybe that's why i appreciate singapore for her cleanliness. sure, it may be hardly our effort that it's clean; the hard work of the foreign cleaners helping to pick up our rubbish after us. but at least we have help from outside to provide us with this much desired place to live in.

maybe people tend to take things for granted too easily.
maybe people who possess too much tend to forget how it feels to be lack of.
it's like how the genius will never truly understand the plight and frustration of the retarded. or how the rich man living in the mansion will never understand how the poor beggar off the streets survive day by day in that dark, moist corner in the back alley.
the gap, unseen, but always present.

how, and when, can i ever learn to be satisfied with what i have? or i will never learn?

seeing that little boy laugh outloud so happily on his tricycle, pedaling slowly--an action almost effortless for most of us, yet so trying for him. his father watching out for him a feet away, following closely, arms outstretched, ready to catch him when he falls.

parents. will they always be there to protect us? to save us? to love us?
why. this simple bliss, warmed my heart.
that scene, i couldn't tear my eyes off.
as i walked by the duo, i watch as the boy laughed and grinned at me at almost pure ecstacy. his new bicycle, his ability to ride it so well. and i couldn't help but smile back at him. and see how his father smiled down so lovingly at his son, i just had to smile back at the father too.

it must be difficult.
i would never understand. but i applaud that bravery and courage to hang on day by day. that posivitity and faith in life.

so why, someone normal like me, often forget to see those bright little sparks in life? forgot how fortunate i am. forgot how to be contented with what i possess.

this decadent society we live in. and i am part of this mad decay. i am pronounced guilty.


these days, i breathe in the cool morning air. i feel reborn. i feel cleansed. i feel heal. yet, this journey continues. all i pray is that no one will break me apart again; the bank of optimism and hope.


and those, when they die.
there's no heaven, or hell for them.
there's only nothingness.

logics.

conversation plays a huge role these days, while working.

pretty crappy stuff.

"tall guys seem to like short girls. so how? tall people like us, left only with the short guys. sian."

"see sales in singapore, always left big sizes, then small sizes all gone."
"you know what it shows? big sized people always very broke no money to buy clothes."

----
ok, so stab me.
i bought another pair of boots.

real cheap. original price $69.
i got it at $29.
hee. good buy. but i was damn shocked can.
and it's decent lah. girly, cos' i need a change of image, I AM NOT A BOY FOR GOD'S SAKE.
and it's real pretty.
i think it doesn't make my legs look fat, so there.
YAYYYY!

:)
-beams-

i'm in love.
pity i can't wear boots to work.

one more week.
money money money.
i want to revive my bank account.
on my own, yes.

it's possible.
just have a lil' faith.

2007's first pair of shoes. :)
2007 is sure gonna rock.
i have a good feeling about this.

war zone.

it's the war of paper, sorting, fasteners, stamping, admin work and more admin work.

my right arm is aching.
machiam fight war.
THOU SHALL NEVER COMPETE WITH LAO MEOW AGAIN OVER STAMPING.

sibei not worth it.
-------

the first phonecall i picked up.
paiseh.
i was damn hesitant cos' i didn't know any fuck to say if peopl asked me question.
but i managed to pull through in one piece, and the other phonecalls were handle-worthy.

"hello?"
"errrr...hello? did i call the correct number? RELC?"
"yes, this is correct."
"ohhhh. i heard your voice i thought i called wrong number. you sound very gentle, you know?"
"haha..ok..."
"blahblahblah"
"blahblahblah"
(alot of "erm please wait a moment while i check for you-s" in the middle)
"ok. that's all i need to know. who is this speaking may i ask?"
"ohhh. erm, jielin."
"jielin. i think you've got a very gentle voice. very nice, i like."
"ohhh, i'm sorry!" (don't know what i said sorry for, but i was damn embarrassed)
"hahah! don't need to be sorry. your voice very nice..."
"orh..ok..." (blushing madly. i'm siao, i know)
"haha, ok, thank you very much jielin. bye!"
"you're welcome. bye!"
-------

okok, i'm easily flattered ok.
but it was an encouraging first phonecall. :)
-----
OT work tml! woots. i like the work place people.

they are ultra friendly and smiley.
hahah.
the temps are nice people too.

the money is another push factor. :)


damn paiseh. i've become one of those people who doze off on the bus and their heads will knock accidentally against other people's shoulders. SIBEI PAISEH. suan ler.

but i'm just so tired.

please please please.
get rid of those fats before i hate myself.

paper cuts, bruises and sore limbs.

i'm tired.
was 2nd earliest for work today. amazing.
work was fun.
suffering from paper cuts thought.
bruises on my palms.
and i tmdknn kicked a drawer left open while trying to find a perm staff to answer my questions.
ARGH. got one huge bruise now.

i hate chopping.
but i can foresee only more chopping.
i hate putting fasteners.
but i foresee more of that.
my whole body is aching.
damn.

it's time to sleep earlier.
sleeping on the bus has become a norm.
very bad.

work's fun thought. looking forward to it, and knowing i'm earning money every hour keeps me going. and i like the feeling of being busy anyway. =) hoping to know more people better and keep enjoying work until the last day! woots.

call me impatient.
call me insensitive.
call me jaded.
call me nonchalant.

i can't be bothered anymore.
i'm a close to emotionless selfish prick.
ok fine, i choose who to care.

don't do this to me.
if you don't love me, let me be.
the closer you want to come;
the nicer you are to me,
i fear the day where i will willingly fall into your trap, again.
let me be.
until i can totally feel nothing.
please.
a promise already broken is like a heart torn apart by beasts.

work week.

im packing lunch box for work! woots.
hahahah. food brought from home.
SAVE MONEY.

anyway, i hope i can adapt to work fast.
seems to be pretty hectic schedule. and i guess i won't be seeing the other girls that often. =(
hahaha.

the 2 threadless tees are here!
woots. got new clothes to wear, though i haven't tried them on.

and my p4 eng class grew bigger by 3 kids=5 kids now. so means my pay also increase. SAY HOORAYS. this omph came true. =)

i think it's pretyt impossible to jian fei. i have no idea why my weight just won't fucking drop. maybe cos' i have no discipline to eat less? =(
sian.

-shrugs

nothing much to update. gotta slp early tonight. or i'll never wake up on time. and be early for work. =X


i wonder how important i am or mean to ____.

boredom hits another high.

some pics of nye. okkk, i'm really waiting for my hair to grow longer.
and i just felt a tail of my hair.
you know those long long ends at the back of your head? =x

maybe i should stop experimenting so much and stick to one thing? hahaha.
anyway, savings plan must be implemented this time. i'm serious. and it calls for alot of discipline. i hope i'll pull through this time.
it takes courage to come to terms with the fact that i'm just not like the other kids my age who still get pocket money from their parents. the fact that i have to EARN EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CENT for my daily expenses and what not is just dawning in. it's been almost a year since, and i've been too flamboyant with my money. now, it's time to stop. think long term instead of short term.

others have the same amount i earn every month without working a muscle except raise their hands out to take the money offered by parents. what does this imply?

i have to work doubly hard to earn that same amount. and doubly doubly hard to SAVE that fucking amount instead of enjoying just like other teenagers do.

sighs. it sounds just fucked up. screwed up. but i gotta face it. FUCK MY LIFE.

i just got to work in these conditions.
things DO happen for a reason.
i go through this for a reason, i know it.

i've just yet to find the answers.

somehow, the lack of money to spend seems to signal a reduction in social activities, which i fear. but what needs to be done HAS to be done. -dejected

i'm trying hard here, so try not to tempt me with anything else. or ridicule me. or encourage me on spending trips. no.

the work week is nutella sandwich made from home. save money must save dao di. hmpffff. take it as jian fei lah!

-grit.


i hate to admit money is everything. but in the situation i'm in now, it seems to be so.
slave to money.
biggest regret.
biggest dream: unslave myself.


and i'll rather go to bed every night earlier, because then, i can be closer to you.

the in between.

nye: met up with the 4d peeps over at holland v to eat dinner at nydc. really glad i did cos' i do miss them.
meeting was short, but good. recalled those classroom days, the falling asleep, the geography lessons, the teachers, the terrors, the jokes, the classmates, and figuring out what happened to them.

i miss them. 4dynamic will always stay as one. -smiles-

afterwhich, the nehneh hel came and we took the bus to DG mrt. yea, met alex there, and another girl (Ya en? correct?) and leon and beng came over in his merc to fetch us there. abs joined the squeezed gang on the car and i had to sit on nehneh's lap. @#@!$!$#!$ i could feel myself flying everytime stupid beng swerved. but wells, car rides are much appreciated. =)

the labyrinth was good. smokey but good. alcohol was no lack of. but i was TRYING to abstain, seriously. i kept thinking of the hangover i'll get if i really did drink, and that made me drink less. i still love my friends even if they smoke, they should know that.


anyhow, the countdown was funny. lol. i did enjoy myself.


it did not start the way i wanted it to. but things happen for a reason. i'm tired of figuring things out, when questions just keep popping up. i tried to take things lightly, and not look into them at all, but sometimes i just don't understand why life is playing this joke on me.

seems too cruel.


being in between sober and wasted is just...LOUCHI. FUCK. seriously, if i had to choose, i'll never be this in between. cos....i don't even know what i'm feeling now. @#!$#$#!@$!

i'll get wasted anytime.

at least i feel happy. HAHAHAHA.

it's a well spent and eventful NYE and NY. and my curfew was extended ONE HOUR cos of the countdown. YAYS. and everyone seems to know i'm cinderella. =)

once again, i feel blessed because of the friends i have. and i hope this feeling stays.

sounds damn grossly romantised and cliche i know, but it's just what i feel. i don't wanna murder myself anymore, because i know there's support when i need it, where i can easily find it.

now, i feel like going on a speed ride. just feel the wind whipping across my face, and chill running down my back, and feel nothing but fear, anticipation, and plain indulgence.

for you were the first to msg me in 2007.
and you the first to call in 2007.
how fucking coincidental.