average girl.

adapted from AQMFS:

"i'm just an average girl. my love life should be average too. this is too much for me to take.."



sigh. and i heard from shar that xiao bei is only 17yrs old!
wth.
i feel darn old.
and poor.



sigh.
just tell me what the fuck to do.

it's so hard.

sometimes, it's so hard to write my inner feelings on my blog.
knowing that there are people reading it.
i finally realised that a blog is afterall a website on the world wide web.
like it or not, people read it.

these days, i prefer privacy.
privacy for the random thoughts that cross my mind.
my insecurities.
my worries.
my troubles.


i realised i am staying up later and later. unable to sleep regardless of the fatigue my mind and body is facing.

fatigue from thinking too much.

these thoughts, i hardly tell anyone.


only my journal knows best.

these days, i do not feel like updating my blog at all.
the chore of sensoring my perceptions and beliefs, reminding myself to be discreet about certain stuff, unable to be my true self.

the need to entertain.
the need to keep the weak side of me behind masks.


i'm feeling so vulnerable right now.
it'll be a short period of time.

i need to regain my strength.
start to believe in the words that i tell myself everyday--i am strong.


i need the drive, the determination and the courage to fight for my goals and my dreams.
face all odds and lose the conformity.
brave the obstacles and embrace the unfamiliarity.
and...feel the fear again.


--------
on a side note...i was on the bus home today..and i was thinking..

when someone close to you passes away..what do you expect?
i would expect the world around me to stop revolving..because someone i love is gone. it's supposed to be the end of the world, right?

you expect people to pause their lives to take in the grief and the pain. beacuse that's what's happening in your life.
you tell yourself to be strong. to be brave. to hold back your tears after sometime. because you realise so many people DO care. yet you cannot help it but cry.

at this point of time, will i feel regret?
i'll like to tell myself i won't want to feel the remorse, of not being able to spend time with the people i love.
yet...i cannot say that, because i do at times, take people and relationships for granted.


i keep holding back words and actions i want to express. all because i'm not a very physically expressive person..

will i regret? is it time for me to change?

---------------

it's so hard to say you understand..when you've not gone through it at all.

so..don't say you understand, unless you truly do.

--------------

i'll be here..one of your pillars of support.
you know i'm always here.
sometimes, i don't know what to say, how to feel, how to react.
all i can say is the very cliche phrase: i am here if you ever do need me.

helplessness.
i'm sorry.
-------------

so exhausted myself.
gotta be strong.

because.

ok..note to all readers: this entry might cause diabetes.




because..you're so close yet so far, (boon lay VS clementi)
and you're not that kind of romantic person i know (emotionless and egoistic),
and absence makes the heart fonder,


i've started to look forward to the time we WILL spend together,
i've started to cherish every moment i have sms-ing or talking to you on the phone,
i've started to smile involuntarily whenever i see your face flashing on my caller id,
or when your name pops up on my msg inbox,
i've learnt to treasure you,
i've learnt to treasure time.


because now i know, time is no longer a luxury i can afford to have.


and i've learnt to be more understanding,
to be more independent,
to be more responsible,
to be contented with the slightest stuff..

because you are the only reason that simply keeps me going on.
fighting on in life.
you can make me drop all the way down onto earth with a rude thud,
but you can also fly me to heaven with your words..


because you mean so much.


hahaha.




okok, friends do keep me going too. what i meant above is the courage to carry on living my life temporarily without him.
wanted to give in to temptations so many times..
but i'm glad i have friends around me to show me the correct way.



sighhh.
one week down. it wasn't THAT bad.
two weeks more.
JIAYOU JIELIN!!!

sarang heyo, JJ!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAH.

i can feeeel the highness from yesterday's JJ concert.
anyone who knows me well enough(see monica), would know that i LOVE LJJ. yea yea, it's NOT loser to like chinese songs ok.
don't have to conform to somethings sometimes.
heh.

gooood! smashingly.

most of his songs i could remember the lyrics, asides from certain songs whereby i didn't really know how to sing word to word lah.

hahahah. but damn good.

sound system was terrific. the floor was vibrating can!
his vocals wow-ed me as usual.
his talent for song writing and playing the piano..awwww.
and his dancing improved ALOT.
erhem. not to mention his newly trained bod.
and well, dimples.

HAHAHAHA.
monz and i were like oggling at the huge screens that magnified his face from all angles and awww-ing at his cuteness.
i will not say he is handsome, but he IS cute. in the boy-next-door way.


sang ALOT of songs, most of which i recorded down in video. took lotsa pictures too! hahaha.

awww. one part whereby he sang the song he wrote for cyndi wang(tt song kinda shot her to fame i think)--> DANG NI. woahhhh.
the audience sang along with him. and you can like really hear everyone singing along so synchronised. so...heart-warming. i was singing too lah!!

love that song. right, alex? hahahah.

dou jiang you tiao!(I LOVE)
caocao!
jiang nan!
jiu shi wo!
yuan lai!
yi qian nian yi hou!
jian dan!(I LOVE)
hei se you mo!(I LOVE)
sarang heyo!(I LOVE LOVE)

so manyyyy songs!
*sigh of contentment*

=D

the pictures are uploaded already. videos not sure how though. shall enjoy them myself. heheh. if u want i can send to you, just msg me.

sigh...he cried during the encore. sang jiang nan(monz's fav), sarang heyo and caocao. he teared during sarang heyo...was really touching. i guess because this concert was his first solo in singapore. and he worked so hard for it..his journey must have been really trying, to gain recognition and respect for his music..all the support he got from everyone around him..must have really touched him...


really sad moment. there were like shouts of "bu yao ku!" from all around..and yea, i was one of them. damn paiseh come to think of it. but it must be really something to make a guy cry i guess. JIAYOU JJ! =D

which reminded me of the actions the dance lao shi-s taught the audience.

*WAVE WAVE WAVE WAVE*
*JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU*
*HEAD HEAD HEART HEART*
*FLAP FLAP*
*JJ JIAYOU!!!*

hahaha. retarded. but fun lah.

i think concerts should really be something fun. some people sitting beside me and monz were like really dead. some looked like they were falling aslp can! luckily those two china women beside us left halfway. phewww. waste of good music on them. grrr.so monz and i high-ed ourselves.

once in a lifetime experience.
i'm in love with ljj all over again.
hahahaha.

wahhh. we were late lah. the traffic was terrible. monz and i had to call a cab eventually. and we had to go "uncle jiayou! kuai yi dian!!!" half the time. hahaha. sorry shar and waisan for our late arrival! we two also damn kan chiong cos' so scared the concert started already!!! =D thanks for the lightsticks man. ahahaha.

going home was worse. shar's parents were nice enough to send us to ccab outside tt bus stop. hmmm. BUT, there was like arghhhs! cos' all the cabs were hired already! in the end waisan and i had to take bus to holland v to take cab. got of the bus got cab waiting liao. shiok.

the journey home was ok lah. cheaper than i expected. hahaha. and yea, thanks to shan for accompanying me on the phone "to make sure i get home safely". nice.


i had an awesome time to tell the truth.
wouldn't trade this in for anything. hahahah.

sighhh. another week ahead. crazily busy too. june's ending. time flies. sigh.

happy girl.

i'm just happy lah.
gonna be tough.
gonna be difficult.
but i'm just happy.
=)

nothing's gonna bring me down. at least not for this.

silent hill.....left me with a SUPER HUGE QUESTION MARK.

like superrrr huge.

i have no idea what the storyline is about. like ending....????

sigh. then again, maybe i'm just not so intelligent after all. heh.



someone jumped when a shocking scee came up on screen.

WAHAHAHAHAHA.

ok..shhhhhh. i will not tell eh?




i'll miss you. like mad.
take care yea?
HIT!!!
=)



miss the other guys going in too! congrats on your postings, and jiayou no matter what unit it is ok?
every unit has it's merits. =)
until we meet again!



YWABOMM.

1, 2, 3 shoot!

hahaha. been camera crazy these days.
perhaps because i've been out every single day.
explains why my bank account keep registering out, out and more out.
no inputs at all.
seriously, people who owe me pay better give me pay.
i'm so fucking broke i can sue someone(except like i told quek, i have no money to sue =( ).

sigh.




i believe one can only be so stupid.
so foolish.
i'm done being a clueless idiot.
suddenly the world around me opened and show me what it truly is about.

hurt, hurt and more hurt.
for a moment, i hated myself for being such a fool.
for liking you when i knew it wasn't meant to be.
i couldn't help myself.
not now. i can help myself now.

gonna pull myself out of it.

hating someone is tiring.
i can only despise.
and distance.

friends whom i don't think i can truly click with..
why bother making an effort to?
being so nice all the time..does it really pay?


i cannot help it.
being nice.
being friendly.
being helpful.
being courteous.


maybe this is where you and i are different.
personalities. our beliefs. our perspectives.

it's so much like polar opposites, i won't try to compromise anymore.

it's not so much about wanting to believe there is a good side of you. it's just that you keep changing your mind. and you don't stick to what you say. what you decided to do.

and you end up hurting people like that.
people like me.

so i'm done with the hurt and the pain.
and i'll move on with life finally.

it IS for the better.
because i've come to fully understand what i really want now.
at least my mindset has been consistent...

just confused...sidetracked.
wrong signals.


i'm not a flirt. i cannot live life the way you do.






pictures are uploaded into my shutterfly account.

-breakfast
-zoo
-dinner at lao pa sat
-movie and coffee club
-at sim with monz
-gss shopping therapy with monz



finally went to zoo after super long! hahaha. thanks to white ass, i finally had the chance. thanks for accompanying me down ok! =) it was fun lah. really. =D

day out with monz included the sim outing and shopping. hahaha. it's crazy how we can pack half a day with so many things. went crazy with the camera too. hahahah. at sim, EVEN waiting for the queue.

in the changing rooms...omg. ahahah.

no wonder both of us felt so exhausted at the end of the day, when someone nice sent both of us home. hahaha. but still, we are VERY pleased with our buys, no? =) she's the bestiest friend ever. serious.
i might never find someone like her again.
80 year old bond. means so much to me.
=)
thanks girl..you really brightened up my day.
it was crazy lah!!! hahahah.
we're so crazy together. pics are up, porn star! =D


ps: sidebar for pics. i hope they are uploaded properly.

i'm lousy.

i'm a lousy person.
many ways.
many many ways in which i'm lousy.

i admit it..

i'm sorry to everyone.
sharon quek, yanyi, huifang, weichen. everyone of you.

i think i'm the cause of the cancellation of the trip, i sincerely apologise.

i hope you all accept my apology.



in every way that you think i'm faulty in, i will try my best to fix it.

best solution now is not to make any more promises.



past incidences..i'll just take it that it's my fault.
makes things easier.

these stuff do drain me. but i still feel better talking and thinking it out.

this way, i grow as a person and character.
i develop i guess.
can't stay stagnent forever.


human relations.
simplicity...can become all so complicated.



i just want to keep it simple.


the way people are living nowadays, with no sense of righteousness most of the time, i believe if they were put in the world of HK traids, would have died long ago.
hahaha.
loyalty.
something i respect amongst all traids.
i doubt it works still in this dog eat dog world.

the naggy security guard at cali used to tell me: loyalty now in today's world--no use one!


heh. i wonder if it's true..i'll find out in years to come i guess.




some jokes by courtesy of the soccer guy, steven. millions of thanks to his presence and advice.
like they always say: elders' advices are the MOST precious.
hahahaha. though he insisted he is only older by two years. =D


----------------------
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?




A: Because he was all wrapped up.
==================
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?




A: Do you want to go for a bite?
==================
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?





A: Because he didn't have any guts.
==================
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?





A: Because they ran out of bats.
==================
Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.

"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.

"How can you be so sure of that " asked Bin-Laden.

"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".
==================



in your eyes, i lost my place..
and i'm melting in your eyes.

stay and watch me fall,
and i'll ask for help.