it's so hard.

sometimes, it's so hard to write my inner feelings on my blog.
knowing that there are people reading it.
i finally realised that a blog is afterall a website on the world wide web.
like it or not, people read it.

these days, i prefer privacy.
privacy for the random thoughts that cross my mind.
my insecurities.
my worries.
my troubles.


i realised i am staying up later and later. unable to sleep regardless of the fatigue my mind and body is facing.

fatigue from thinking too much.

these thoughts, i hardly tell anyone.


only my journal knows best.

these days, i do not feel like updating my blog at all.
the chore of sensoring my perceptions and beliefs, reminding myself to be discreet about certain stuff, unable to be my true self.

the need to entertain.
the need to keep the weak side of me behind masks.


i'm feeling so vulnerable right now.
it'll be a short period of time.

i need to regain my strength.
start to believe in the words that i tell myself everyday--i am strong.


i need the drive, the determination and the courage to fight for my goals and my dreams.
face all odds and lose the conformity.
brave the obstacles and embrace the unfamiliarity.
and...feel the fear again.


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on a side note...i was on the bus home today..and i was thinking..

when someone close to you passes away..what do you expect?
i would expect the world around me to stop revolving..because someone i love is gone. it's supposed to be the end of the world, right?

you expect people to pause their lives to take in the grief and the pain. beacuse that's what's happening in your life.
you tell yourself to be strong. to be brave. to hold back your tears after sometime. because you realise so many people DO care. yet you cannot help it but cry.

at this point of time, will i feel regret?
i'll like to tell myself i won't want to feel the remorse, of not being able to spend time with the people i love.
yet...i cannot say that, because i do at times, take people and relationships for granted.


i keep holding back words and actions i want to express. all because i'm not a very physically expressive person..

will i regret? is it time for me to change?

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it's so hard to say you understand..when you've not gone through it at all.

so..don't say you understand, unless you truly do.

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i'll be here..one of your pillars of support.
you know i'm always here.
sometimes, i don't know what to say, how to feel, how to react.
all i can say is the very cliche phrase: i am here if you ever do need me.

helplessness.
i'm sorry.
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so exhausted myself.
gotta be strong.