damn it.

i have a fucking backache on my lower back.

it hurts to move.
it hurts to sit.
it hurts to stand.
it hurts to bend.



it fucking hurts even if i don't move.



i wanna die.
i'm living on painkillers. and that is not going to last me long.

fuck bad posture. i don't believe bad posture can cause such sudden and extreme pain.

it hurts so much walking hurts. i hate complaining and whining.

sneezing hurts like worse than hell. every sneeze sends me into near paralysis.

i almost cried from the pain after every sneeze. it fucking hurts. i don't ever want to sneeze. i cannot even move after i sneeze. every movement sends me into aches and tears.

i'm no weakling.

yet i'm crying from this fucking pain.

how long more? how long more do i have to endure this?



i've applied for all 3 local unis.

well.

oh well. i'm not sure what to say exactly. i had a good time in tuition today...

the kids were nice. fun. i realised that the only way i can enjoy myself, is be part of them.

time somehow flew faster when i enjoy myself. and when they enjoy themselves too.


enjoying, and yet still getting work done. that's fabulous for me. =)


i'm back to loving them. hahaha. and i was almost late today. ALMOST. but it's good to arrive on time with them all in class already. and the first reaction i got from them was a laugh and a grin. makes my day already.



everytime i go tuition, they give me all sorts of entertaining conversations. tsk.



"teacher! we think you look like geraldine!"

(at this point i was thinking who the hell is geraldine. then it dawned on me it may be the campus superstar girl)

"orh! is it that campus superstar girl?"

"yar!! you look alot like her."

"har?? why?"

"cos' you very tomboy like that!"


-_-'''


thanks lor. no one ever called me tomboy since i was in primary school. sobs. =P



din help that i was wearing a freaking short skirt. HELLO!!! tomboy don't wear skirt one lor! hmmpfff. i very demure liao ok!


hmmmm.


primary 5 kids really made my day too. they were as usual...very biological and amusing. talked about ALOT of erm..bodily stuff in their primary 5 ways. hahaha.



and we had equally amusing conversations.


"teacher! how old are you??"

"eh..you guess lor"

"11!"

"har!! i look so young meh?? you all 11 years old leh!"

"wait wait! go out to the board to check her age!"

(so they go out to find out which level of education i've attained. and they start calculating outloud in front of me.)

"i know i know! you are 18 years old!"

"ehh ya. birthday then i am 19 already."

"hahahah! see i so clever!"

-_-'''


oh wells. at least i look young right. and tomboy. =(



i had a terrible backache. feel like old woman. sian.


is it possible to detest a good friend so much one moment, then love her another moment?





is it possible to be such a terrible procrastinator on the outside, but a binge thinker on the inside?


i'm feeling terribly vulnerable.

hmmm.

the taxi i took has a very good taxi driver driving it. very nice. like a gentle old uncle. hahah. so i told him to be careful on the roads after i got off. =)

lawrence was kind enough to walk with me all the way to yuan shen's house. and he made a very good talking companion. really nice. his talk made me think about many things. cannot believe such a short walk and talk had such a huge impact on me. oh wells. it's good to reflect once in a while.


i got my phone fixed just now. the camera went bonkers. turned out that my memory card was corrupted. WTF. i hate blue toothing now. arghhhhs.


but the guy at the counter was super efficient at repairing my phone(and many others) that i really really was literally gaping at him. very unglam i know. don't care lah. but well, the diamond earring on his left earlobe kinda distracted me as he talked. very very shiny. nearly blinded me each time he turned. lol. ok lah. i just have something for guys with diamond studs on one of their earlobes.


then after i left the nokia care centre, and walked around wheelock place. I SAW KRYSTLE THE AUNTIE. tsktsk. she was working in apple centre lah. wasn't expecting to see her. was looking at the ipod nano when she suddenly BOO me. wth. hahahah. but i had a nice chat with her. irritating one another as usual. =D



peach girls got me fired up again. stupid show i know most would say. but i really think it's super addictive to me. hahaha. *shrugs* i will NOT miss any episodes at all. AT ALL!!!!

hahaha.

my sis went for disney on ice. =( so good hor.





hmmmm. i not sure what to say. i realised that whoever is nice to me, just a teeny weeny bit nice, i will be thrown into alot of turmoil. hahaha. i just not used to ppl being so nice.


especially guys who are nice. happens that i have more friends who like suan-ing me. hahah. but well, i think it's in the nature of these guys to be nice lah. =) cannot think too much hor.



sometimes even when you don't like someone, you have to act like you do, because it's just not nice.

=)

best saturday in a long time.
relaxing. fun. enjoyable. good company. good food.


=) thanks to all present. monz, turks, paula, weiyan, lawrence, ys, louis, rab, zy. hahaha. had a smashing good time.

steamboating was good. but i got full very fast.

and now i noe how to go ys's house already. so far!! hahaha. but quite easy lah, i think.


uni application still sucks. gotta get down to it soon.




had some _______ today.
it's been so long.
the taste still lingers.




such a good taste.

=)

feels damn good.

pics.

been long since i uploaded many pics.


look! these are my new speakers! damn nice right! (only can say yes)






outing with bishi and zh. bishi's treat with her pay! thanks alot! hahaha! i enjoyed myself. really had fun. very long never go out with them already. feels like old times. =) 5 years swept pass us. scary. but i hope more years are to come! hehe.




from top left:
corny zh;
the dog behind him is cuter right;
our food;
zh showing me his pictures.





from top left:
the pig aka dustbin aka zh;
bs with mouth full;
empty plates!;
bs not happy i take her picture.




from top left:
three of us;
repeat picture;
zh and bs;
three of us again.





from top left:
zh and no bones;
bloated stomachs;
bs;
and a very narcisstic me.








ahhh. my sister. we are the chilli copers!!! lalalaaaa.



damn my eyebrows.



i don't bear grudges.

yawn.

i slept so badly and so late last night that i cannot see through my squinty and tired eyes for the freaking entire day. i wanna die liao.

after i drank the heavenly mocha rock road from pacific coffee, i felt more awake.

after dancing to the beat of the music from my darling speakers, i felt better.





then the caffine wore off, and i felt damn tired again.

so here i am tired like shit.

but cannot sleep.



stupid lah. i hate my eyes looking like shit for the entire day. eyes so small liao, still like that. rahhhhh!!!



shopping day tomorrow! then dinner with bishi and zh! hahaha. exciting. more lies ahead!



and i still feel fucked up about application into uni.


but i feel better. slightly. cos' i received ms tan's sms. and it was kinda heart-warming. i'm glad to have at least a teacher that's nice. =)


/edit/


i dunno what to say suddenly.

people u call friends. say such things to you. no matter they did it on purpose or not, it still hurts.

it fucking hurts.

you are NOT in my shoes, but TRY thinking in my shoes.

you wouldn't like it if i did it to you too.

so insensitive. so..hurtful.

i'm just upset ok. how many people can truly understand how this shit feels? there are a few. and i feel ok to confide in them. because perhaps these are people who are truly my friends. people who do not discriminate me. people who...THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK.


i may seem like i do not care. like pride does no matter to me. like i can take any joke with a laugh and shrug.

but this is NOT a joke ok. it fucking is not.



so, unless you think before you speak, unless you let your words run through your pig head, DO NOT TALK TO ME.

just shut up. shut up.

i do not want to talk to you. period.

no inspiration.

recently, i've been facing ups and downs in emotions.
can be very crazy one minute with my sister, then all emo the next morning or night.

i love nights for their serenity and calm. for me to be able to think more clearly and better. i like the solitude. a vast contrast from the daytime life we all lead. mundane as it may be, it is intruded by much undesired and unwanted events or people. so, to me, the nights are exclusively private time for myself. my own personal space. invaded by only music i love, blinkings of msn windows at the bottom of my lappy screen, lying around doing nothing but stare into space.



i got new portable speakers. damn cool. damn nice. i'm in love with in. and i hope it doesnt spoil on me. =( i no money le. hahaha.

now, all i need is updated music lists. i am SOOOO sua ku now. damn.


and well, an update in my wardrope. =( hahaha. 7 days in one week, everyday wear different things, very tiring lor. especially when i choose not to iron my clothes. blahhhhh. so sian. more clothes. more clothes. more more more!



sometimes, i really think i'm the most selfish ass on earth.


i've not given as much as i've taken.



i should have.

perhaps i must start. dig through things i've not worn and give them to the salvation army. hmmmmm.



i've not yet applied. not sure what paths are available for me yet. sigh. it seems like everywhere i go, i can only hope for one faculty. dreams have crashed since i got that piece of paper. tsk. one flimsy, seemingly harmless paper can do so much to one.


i need a haircut. like SOON. damn wierd ok, my fringe NEVER GREW, but the rest of my hair grow like lightning. arghhhhh. i very sad. hair very important to me ok. hahaha.




this week is going to be packed! so many outings and meetings with friends!! i'm SUPER excited. finally, i have a life going on besides tutoring kids and becoming madder by the day, or being a lousy salesgirl. hahaha.

and i heard from parents that we are going overseas soon!! WOOO!!! damn cool ok. shopping trip. lalalala.


probably going thailand again. for like maybe the 4th time i think. forgot liao. hahaha. but i like the country and the people. STILL, it doesnt seem very safe of late. shall see how ba. =)



i have a serious case of insomia.



one question: DO I LOOK OLD???

(politically correct answer is NO, but if you think otherwise, i appreciate the honesty. =D)



you know how appearances are deceiving? cocky on the outside, but self-conscious on the inside. cheery on the outside, but sullen inside. helpful on the outside, but scheming on the inside. the list will go on and on.


i always believe in looking at the better side of things, and of people. which is why i often get tricked and betrayed. i've tried shifting away this easy trust. like yh once told me, never trust anyone else, but yourself. it's not easy.

i can get hurt again and again. and then, eventually, this hurt eats me up. devours me slowly. even without me knowing. sooner or later, i may realise that there is nothing left in me. and i'm not sure whether i can get hurt again, whether i can tolerate another of these bullshit. so i deny myself everything. i deny that i am weak. i deny that i can love. and i deny that i will crumple. but everything happens.







if they say a picture can paint a thousand words, then why can't i paint a picture of you at all?




just..please, just let everything go well. i'm trying so hard.