empty.

hmmmm.
besides feeling wierdly busy doing god knows what, i feel kinda empty.
it seems that i'm not really doing things that i want and like.
sure, slacking is something i like.
but i prefer something with meaning.
i said i'll borrow books and read them.
i haven't stepped into the library since As.
i said i will do voluntary work,
but i haven't gotten a single one.

i said i'll find a job,
fine, i got one year of tuitioning contract to do.
i said i'll go tanning,
but i was so busy slacking at home or working for my mum that i never found time to go down and get my ghastly pale tanned.

it's wierd you know.
the emptiness.

so much i really want to do, but i haven't done.

i guess i must start prioritising.



i was lying in bed one day at night, when everyone was asleep and i was probably the single living soul in my condominium.
i was thinking suddenly, and that thought struck me so hard i was stunned for a moment.
i realised i had no answers. i don't know where i'm going after i get my results.

i spoke to my mum one day while working for her, telling her that my results are not going to be that impressive, and i probably will have to go SIM because there is where i CAN go. i know my standards. i know my limits.
don't give me that bullshit that i will make it. becos' everytime i MADE it, i studied and worked my ass off for it. this time, i didn't even work 1/4 of my ass.
i know myself. and mum knows it too.

"you didn't work as hard as you did last time. this time you like very distracted by alot of things..so it's your own fault."


to some extent, i got pretty fired up at her words. but 3 seconds later, i realised she was right. it was all my fault, and i am the only one to blame. i wished i had done better, worked harder, but it's too late for regrets now. i know. and suddenly, i'm just terrified.

it's just that NEED to go to university, because my entire extended family EXPECTS me to make it there. my grandma would nag at me sometimes when i visit her, telling me to work hard and go university, because if i do, i'll be the 2nd(after my youngest uncle) or 3rd(after my sister, if she goes) to enter the university in the entire family.

yes. the pressure. and the pressureof not wanting to disappoint my father. he says nothing, but i can see everything from his eyes. he wants us to me succesful. which parent doesn't? but i think i will fail him this time round. i tried my best during PSLE. and my best during Olevels. but i have to admit it, i'm simply anther mediocre student academics wise.

ask me to do "think out of the box stuff" and i can do it easily. i love imaginative work. creative work. it lets me do the things i want. but syllabus wise, you simply have to reproduce what is printed out on the notes, and tada(!!) you make it. i admit that it annoys me because i know i'm no one special.

everyone dreams to make it big someway. but who can really succeed?
what then, is the defination of success? doesn't it vary from individual to individual? what i deem as successful, will others view likewise? do i even need to care about what others think?

in the future, will i be doing something i like? or doing something i dislike, or ave no passion for, yet forced to do it, because i have to make a living for myself. is that going to be how things are?

i used to reprimand myself for choosing the science faculty, knowing that i can probably do better in the arts fac, studying subjects i know i have a certain flair for since secondary school. i used to reprimand myself, thinking whether i chose the right route to JC life. then i told myself, what's the use of all these bullshit, when you're already halfway through, and pulling out is simply out of the question. why not, make the best out of what you have now?

and then i will ask myself--what do i have now?
and i'm mystified for an answer.
i still have no answer.


there's this conflict within me everyday. i question my purpose in life, and what i'm "destined" to do. people say everyone is supposed to take their own path, some paths will be harder to travel, some easier. but we'll all make it there in the end, if we don't give up. it's true? i guess my path will not be smooth, but i can declare happily, that i've grown up, in this tedious process. i daresay i've learnt to see this world and the people in different light. i've understood what really means to me, the people whom i know i will treasure for life, and others, whom i merely see as another existence on earth(and i believe that is viewed mutually).

there are people whom i believe i will not care even if i lose contact with. yet there are people, who will break my heart, should they simply retire as memories. there are things i yearn to complete, and yet have no courage. and there are things i know i will not step towards, even when i'm forced to.

reflections, reflections.

too much for one day i suppose.

what is my path? where is it going to lead me to? where will it end? how will it be like?

i guess i must fight for my path. endure throughout. it mostly boils down to me, and what i am going to do, and what i am WILLING to do about it.

it's gonna be difficult, but i'm going to try. i will.









completed yet another set of vcds i dug up from my sister's table. it's called 4 Sisters(translated to mandarin). actually it's a korean serial, but very nice plot. kinda weepy, and touching and funny all rolled into one. but i loved it. 2nd time watching it. really good. made me recall many things.

and it helps that the lead characters are good looking! hahahah. *drools*


i guess that show portrayed how life can be so difficult and unbearable at times, and it's up to us, to be brave and courageous, to fight all odds, and remain true to ourselves. in the end, we will make it.

now, it's not gonna be all talk and no actions.
at least i hope not.
i'm outta here.

ps: zw i removed your picture. relax. sorry ok.