pain.

i seem to be experiencing many incidents of pain this month. april. why? i wonder why? perhaps it's just another month of extreme accidents-prones-periods, loss of material stuff, conflicting emotions and another whirlpool of events(which i seem to always go through). it's definitely tiring, testing the limits of both my mental strength and physical strength. endurance, endurance..i keep telling myself this. pick yourself up after you fall, jielin.

the knee ligament injury doenst seem to be recovering. i think it doesnt even have the chance to recover int he first place also, since i keep exercising and pushing myself to my limits. *sighs* i really know i shldnt do that, but i just cant keep still! yet this injury is causing me to remain very uncomfortably immobile and inactive most of the time. with the constant naggings to take care of myself from friends and teachers alike, i face utmost pressure. pressure from myself. i always wish to ace in whatever i do, hoping to complete it with my best and nothingbut my best. yet of recent periods, i find myself giving up too easily, citing excuses and reasons which may convince the others but not myself. am i just cheating myself? i think im simply running away frommy problems. im not refering to only this knee ligament injury, but also problems i encounter in life.

take hockey for example, i used to think im physically strong and mentally determined to accomplish things i pick up. at least it showed during secondary school. somehow, i lost this will and fire within me to fight on despite the countless and endless difficulties i face. i give up too easily. and this is something i hate of myself, yet i cant bring myself to rid of this mindset. what is wrong with me??

i used to have utmost pride in myself and the achievements. yet now, i feel like i have nothing to be proud of, nothing to make me hold my head high. i seem to have lost everything. i seem to have lost myself. this pain i encounter while searching for the lost me is searing. it cuts deep into my bones, torturing my mind. who exactly am i?

today i took my napfa test. i managed to get As for my sit and reach, shuttle run and sit-ups. B for my inclined pull-ups. and a lousy D for my standing broad jump. i don't know if i shld attribute this lousy results to m knee injury, cos i definitely nv got such a lousy grade for SBJ b4. infact, it was one of my stronger stations. but truthfully, the pain i felt landing from the impact of the jump also killed me. and i did not even let all my energy out to do the jump. i was afraid. afraid of the expected pain. yet the expected pain did not exceed the real pain. i practically teared. pride. the last ounce of pride i had in myself caused me to blink away my tears and told myself to try standing up again to jump. but mr khoo and the rest told me not to..disappointment. utter disappointment. now im confused. i have to retake ALL my 5 stations if i want better SBJ results. just duno if it's worth the pain all over again. yet getting almost all As wld definitely look better in the slip of paper. heh.

pain of losing my hp. somehow, i was quite surprised that the loss of this material good did not inflict as much pain as i expected. sure i cried from the loss. but because of all the msges that meant alot to me, the alarm clock i miss till now, the calendar with all the V.I.P stuff saved, the stars i put into my phone, the glow-in-the-dark star sticker at the back of the phone, and a sticker of a girl given to me by my sis. even the black teddy hung on my hp. all these stuff meant alot to me. recollections of them made me hurt alot. somehow it's inevitable right? to hurt from the loss of things tt meant alot to u. it wasnt the loss of the phone tt upset me, rather it is the loss of things INSIDE the phone tt caused me unhappiness. am i making sense? i hope so.

really exhausted now. such a long day. im starting to dread my mondays and tuesdays. such long days. droning on and on. tutorials after tutorials. lectures after lectures. i wonder when will i ever seriously get down to studying. i need some serious discipline. *sighs*

well, tml there is hockey again. running abit. then got classroom session. got some mindef talk before tt i think. heh. hope it'll be interesting la. cant help it if i fall aslp. saw him many times again today. somehow i think im going to give up on him already. cant even be friends with him so far. this is leading no where. and i dun even noe if he's a nice guy! =X life IS wierd. why do we always end up falling for people whom we hardly know, holding idealistic roles of them, thinking them to be perfect in our minds. hmmm. love is blind yea? we accept all short-comings and embrace all positive chracteristics of people. this goes the same way for friendship. hahah..think im not making sense. super tired to think now. lack slp.

just really really hope things will go the way i want them to. *sighs* wish i had a bouquet of lavenders in front of me now. they nv fail to calm me down.