confusion.

im confused. i really am. sometimes i do wonder abt who are my true blue friends. do you all remember back in primary school, all of us (esp. girls) used to have groups of best friends, true friends, good friends and blah blah blah. the list goes on. and we all rmb these facts from those childishly written "autograph" books we give to our classmates to write in every end-of-the-year. when it came to secondary school, many of us outgrew the habit to "categorise" our friends true friends, best friends, and good friends etc. is is because we do not bother? is is because we find no need to? or is it simply because we hardly know who are our really true friends? sometimes i just feel so lonely.

you know how it feels to be walking among a group of friends, and yet feel nothing but absolute loneliness? the feeling is terrible. cos' you cannot do anything about it. i really do want to be a good friend to all. and i do try. but somehow it's just not as easy as it is said. somehow i feel like im being neglected and disconnected from my friends at times. it's like i cant juggle with so many groups of friends. either i'll be closer to my hockey friends, or i'll be closer to my class. either way, i lose out. it's like im no where, no one cares, no one understands, no one at all. sometimes im just so tired and exhausted, i wish to share my troubles with a friend, but i just cant find this someone. people pretned to understand, and perhaps they really do, but they do not really care. yet when they do sincerely care, i do feel extremely touched and warmed by their heartfelt concerns. it's just that, this doesnt happen often.

sometimes i do give my all to try to cheer up people ard me. frens i care abt, frens i worry abt, frens im very concerned over, frens i may appear to "neglect" due to the lack of time. these frens may have thought i've forgotten about the, but i have never done so. somehow m just hurt. the main purpose of this entry, is perhaps to ponder about issues in my life such as friendship. i've never mentioned this before, but the things tt affect me alot in life are basically my academics, my friends and my cca. these 3 things are very very very important to me such tt i'll be super upset with the loss of one. perhaps this is why my life is basically everything but calm. i can get worked up easily over difficulties faced in these aspects of life.

i've tried my best to cheer u up, taking my position as a friend. i used to think that we were very close friends, and i take pride and comfort in this friendship, and yet it is only recently that i realised im nothing to you. nothing but just another normal friend. perhaps all is lost in this time. we no longer hang out together. we no longer have the time for each other, even it was simple talk. we no longer msg each other encouraging stuff. i miss those times. and i miss those msges. you nv noe how much courage u instil in me each time u urge me on for my purpose in life, do you? i guess not.

im tired. i really am. what can i do to really make u cheer up. why cant u confide in me now? does the problem lies in me? i always try my best to be a gd friend to all, sincere in everything i say and do. i do not hide any emotions. i do not hide any secrets. i do not spill any secrets of yours. i find that i have not changed. all i've found tt has changed is our friendship. and you.

what is our friendship based on? i have no idea. what have u changed into? i have no idea. im tired trying to be a good friend to you, when im not being noticed at all. im sorry for trying. just hope u'll be happy. cheer up.
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anyway, today after training n match went out with monz la. supposed to be team lunch but cant settle on anything so we just split up la. yawns..
then we wenta eat tori Q lunchbox..hahha.super crowded, so no choice wenta look for space to sit. even the fountain area was filled so we looked at the benches nearby crystal jade. lol. just nice one salesgirl was sitting there so me and monz decided to squeeze with her on the puny bench(much to her irritation). hahaha..but we din care la..lol..super starved. :P so we dumped our stuff against the wall..and plopped ourselves down to eat. she soon left and we got the entire bench to ourselves. this auntie kept pacing infront of us but we din bother la..hahah..pretended that we required the entire bench to eat..eat finish then say..:P i know it mean la..but really very tired..hahah..

monz got her nice slippers from adidas and succeeded in making me jealous of tt slippers..its really nice la..hahah..but shall not spend money liao la..hmmm..den wenta carefour to walk walk..hahaha..i think me n monz cannot go carefour la..everytime we go also do stupid stuff. so this time we wenta the underwear section. LOL. and we spent a great deal of time there. hahah! we bought similar underwear la..! :P sHhHh..and the funniest thing was when we were going to pay.cos the only available cashiers were two makes at one counter and another counter with one female. but that counter with the female had customer, so we had to wait. it must have looked ridiculous la, me and monz. hahaha..cos we din want to let the guys zap our underwear simply cos's it wld be super embarrassing! :P hahaha..crazy la..

had to leave soon after lo. took the train all the way home standing. my legs want to break already. tml hafta go pray my wai gong. i go slp already. tired. yawns. heard that he is very selfish and very mug. think i'll have to reconsider. heh. can't stand muggers. (no offence)