BANG.

guess what?
i felt sick today. slight fever (must be the heat) and headache plus cough.
quite bad.
i don't think it's H1N1 lah..although my region seems to have quite a few clusters..........and i take the route to work everyday which passes by Maju Camp wtf.

don't worry, i'm safe, i think.

anyway, work was rather crazy today. ARGH. getting worse everyday.
and the boss seems to derive pleasure from watching the work pile up on us.
and of course, we get chided for not doing work fast enough.

i really wish i were a supersonic being.


and ya, OT today. took cab back. dropped my colleague off.
then headed off to my place.
AND,

at the T-junction near clementi interchange, some MPV crashed into my taxi's rear because it did not brake in time at the red light.
impact threw me forward, but not hard enough to make me smash my head against the front seat.
=X and i'm guilty as charged, i did not wear the seatbelt. SIGH.


but i'm fine. no bruises or whatsoever. =X

had to wait for both parties to take pictures of their vehicles, then more waiting, and more waiting. zzz. called fatbear but he was too busy and after checking that i was fine, he had to hang up. called mumsy to tell her that i had to be delayed because of that. and she chided me for not belting myself on the vehicle.

the car owner and the cab driver kept apologizing to me and asking me if i was ok.

had to fill in the witness form for the cab driver after that. i think he was ultra grateful that i was being helpful.

and i thought i was brave and nonchalant. but i realized that i was trembling after some time. wtf. could be the cold. and could be because i was feeling weak from the entire day's events. and i couldn't stop shaking all the way home. zzz.


and well...i paid for the cab fare, slightly discounted lah. the cab driver didn't want to charge me, but it wouldn't be fare anyway. good karma! HAHA.

ok ending off my busy, tiring, sick and close shave day.
rest. to fight tomorrow.
nights.


sorry i'm getting wordy with no pictures.
congrats if you read every word.
you know what's happening in my life.

rants.

i really should stop playing facebook games. they make me so soooo damn pissed. i keep trying to break my own highscore and it's fucking tiring. zzzz. i get more tensed as i play. zzzzzzz.

aren't games supposed to be fun? this is madness. i'm swearing off them for today.

i'm supposed to post bintan pictures. but i don't really have the mood now.
so frustrated with several issues.
i wonder why.
nothing is helping.


this is an awful weekend.
thanks to you mr fatbear.
i hate this.

fuck the coming week.

a plea to the heavens.

tonight is the stage whereby i've reached my saturation point, the maximum limit.
and i'm so tired of trying i don't even want to try anymore.
trying to make things work, when they aren't, is fucking tiring.


i've never thought how things can become harder, more difficult. but apparently, they can.
and perhaps it is in my nature to be picky, fussy, anal.
i want things to go my way. to be what i want them to be.
and i hate it when they tear in the opposite direction like a crazy horse.
makes me feel helpless and upset and desperate.

now, im sinking into a quick sand of frustration.


ok my eyes are closing.
thursday and friday combination is a killer.
i can only move ahead, because there is no looking back.


one call, late by months back came today.
i wonder if i should go for the opportunity. i'm just so tired right now.
but maybe i really should try.


another opportunity stands there. and i wonder if i should try too.
whatever happened to my spur or energy?

i thought i am only 22. why do i feel like i'm 88. wtf.


a relationship is tough to handle and sustain. to me, there are no things called honeymoon period. everday is a trying day. because when two separate worlds collide, they can only work harder to adapt to each other.
if not a war will inevitably begin.
the adaptation, however, can kill at times.
and when i mean separate worlds, it means OPPOSITES.
don't doubt me on that.



i'm glad it's finally saturday. because the week has been ARGH. and it's gonna get more ARGHHHH.
oh god, i need superhuman powers and luck. please.

thursday mania.

errrr. you see, i am no fan of facebook quizzes and games and widgets or whatsoever. BUT, because my colleagues are crazy over it, and they play these things before work starts/during breaks/after work etc, they have influenced me to try it out. wtf.

and my ego is sorely bruised. damn freaking tiring ok these kinda games!!! not supposed to help you relax mehhh. i play already even more stressed. wth.

i'm seriously exhausted, so i'm gonna update and go sleep.
it's friday again.
thursday, which just passed one hour ago, was tiring. work work work. then had KFC delivery call-in before the meeting with other business partners and then the conference call to U.S.

started meeting at 7plus in the evening. conference started at 9pm. ended at 11pm.
almost died. so my working hours was from 9am to 11pm. =.=
shared cab home with another colleague who also lives in the west area.


running on tight budget now. finances are flashing code red.

i really just want to follow the happy flow.

learnt more about life and myself again today. more re-evaluation.

will post bintan pictures by this week, since fatbear is too busy with OT-ing at his work to bother about me. i'll be lonely for now. SIGH. apart from the killing workload lah. zzz.

and how i look like in my new hair? =/
LOL.
collecting my new specs on saturday.
i really really wished i could wear contact lenses instead. can really see the difference in eye size. somehow, spectacles make my eyes look smaller. why is that so??? can any optician friends tell me? =(

my eyes are BIG ok. i swear.
they were like huge ass marbles when i was a kid (before spectacles ruined my life wtf).
anyway, i'm sure things will turn out fine one day and i'll miraculously turn into a beautiful swan.

righto?
a swan with brains too, thank you.
and a rich swan with brains. wtf. am i greedy?
HAAHAHAHAH.

goodnight.

busybeeme.

been surfing the net since i got home. reading blogs, looking at fashion blogs and shops and ITCHING like mad to shop. but reality hits. i'm pathetically broke.

parents allowance + grad gown deposit + rental fee + tea ceremony tickets + new spectacles + insurance + transportation + ETCETCETC.
$400 + $250 + $20 + $80 + $350 + $100 + $250+ ETCETCETC.

it's as if i earn thousands. HA HA HA. i think i just spent every single cent and even had to eat into my savings. sigh. the cold hard truth. i really really wished i earned more. and sometimes, i wished so hard that perhaps i had a governmental position instead. will i really sacrifice challenges for security and money?

I was getting worried that no one was calling me to inform me about my graduation gown pick up at the studio, but the person called me in the evening around 9pm. woahhhh. wtf. i was still in the shopping mall at clementi central after my haircut when i picked the call up.

i shall pop by down AFTER work and BEFORE my late night conference call at the office to pick it up and try it there. i'll see if anyone is willing to accompany me. =( my lonely lonely life. HAHA. good thing is, the studio is a few bus stops away from my work place! BUT i think i'll need to cab home after that because of all the stuff i'll be lugging around tomorrow. GAH.

speaking of which, i got so fed up of my measly weedy hair and decided to get a haircut today after work. reached clementi central at 8pm or so. waited for my turn at my usual hairdresser for VERY LONG because their business is super good! lucky i had my touchy to accompany me and i played all my games until i broke all my high scores wtf.

i was sick of my long hair and decided to snip them all away because frankly speaking, i don't think it flatters me that much. the length is now above my shoulder, kinda like a bob cut, but a longer form of it. shorter at the back, wispy cut. longer at the front to frame my face. fringe remains more or less the same, just shorter too.

i quite like it. it looks refreshing and i look younger. my neck feels cold though wtf. BUT at least now my hair won't keep getting caught with my bag's strap or stick to my neck everyday because it's so freaking hot. i'll have to maintain it though. but i'm loving it definitely! (:

it wasn't on impulse...or maybe it is. but regardless, i don't regret it. long hair can be such a fuss.


was reading the papers on day and chanced upon a picture of dakota fanning at age 14. seriously, i'm green with envy. WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT AT 14????
i think when i was 14, i was a monster. zzzzzzz. i will dig up my old pictures and show you guys The Evolution of Jielin. wtf.

and i'm still vaguely a monster. i wonder when i'll become vain, put on makeup, wear contact lenses, throw on dresses, walk in high heels, perm my hair (no need to straighten cos' hair is naturally straight), carry pretty bags/purses, SLIM DOWN and be gentle.

i pity fatbear. HAI. fatbear, i'm sorry. BUT IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU TO REGRET NOW. YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT!!! HAHAHAHAH!

cute. don't you think so? simple and sweet.

really. what is puberty to her? i don't think she ever had any. zzzzz.

jealous to the max. HAHAHA.

anyways, i rarely watch TV nowadays. and i've been missing my ex-love xiaogui on 100% entertainment on Channel U. therefore, i have no idea of current news about him. today, i went to his blog and realised that HE IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM!!!! omgggg.

and he really grew so much cuter from the last time i saw him. i love his nose mannnn. arghhh. so straight and sharp and defined. and his dimples!!!! and his eyes!!!! and his lips!!! gahhhhh.

i think i'm in love again. =((( i wanna marry xiaogui.

xiaogui<3

okkkkk. i'm halfway through bintan pictures and i don't think i'll upload all of them. not much of the sun, sand, sea and blue blue sky. but more of us, us, us and ya, our faces. HAHA.

upload by this week, hopefully.

i'm on a diet. no dinners. no heavy meals. exercise if i can. even if i don't put on a single kilogram, i really hate seeing my body/face in the mirror at times. so detrimental to my self-esteem. will i ever ever ever turn from an ugly duckling to the pretty elegant swan?

at 22, i don't feel like i'm anything to be proud of.

long awaited mini update?

HELLOOOO!!! have you guys been clicking on my blog link everyday? have you realized that i'm lacking pictorial entries? okkk, maybe no one noticed (wtf so sad) but i've been busy/lazy and hence the lack of updates. uploading pics from blackie onto blogger is tiring because the file size is crazy huge and i'm way toooo trigger happy. =.=

so i have to spend time editing the lightings for pictures, resizing them, then finally uploading them. all with my laggy laptop, which is trusty, but turning dusty, because i seldom use it now already. =(

ANYWAYYY, bintan trip pictures are barely 1/4 through with the editing....so, well....they won't be up yet. =/ randoms for today! (: make do alright? then come back for moreeee! =D

one day after work, fatbear and i met up for dinner at vivocity before our movie MONSTERS VS ALIENS (3D!). it must have been a tiring day because both us seemed quite tired, especially fatbear. booboo.

at a loss of what to devour. ended up in this steamboat buffet place BeiShanChuan. serves spicy steamboat as specialty, but has other soup bases too. located behind Daiso. this is NOT advertisement, but just to people reading this who will like to try.

spread is decent, and we had one hour to kill and swallow food before the movie. man, are we pigs. i got full after some time. =/ I SERIOUSLY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND DIET wtf.

we had a mix of tomyum soup base and seafood soup base.

seafood soup.

tomyum soup.

fatbear eating and cooking for me too! lovelove!!! ((((: no pics of me because i look like shit. gahhhh. i hate work. it makes me age i swear. or maybe i'm just old. AYE.

movie timeee! first time we are watching 3D movie together! AHHAHAHA. so exciting hor!

the glasses.

didn't dare to turn on the flash on blackie, so had to make do with lousy trembling shots. =D

wah so cool! HAHAHAHAHA.

me me meeee!

quite cute lah huh. wtf.

us being idiotic. zzz.

WAH THIS ONE SO BRIGHT. cos' i think the advertisement in front which was playing on the screen was very bright too. and we were seated like 3rd row from the front wtf. full house ok, no joke. HAHAHA.





ok, then it's waipo's 80th DA SHOU at mirama hotel. where i pigged and pigged on salmon sashimi and forgot my name AHHAHAHA. no lah, i still know what's my name.

it's....

sashimi teo. HAHAHAHAH. ok not funny. moving on....

that's my sweet granny in pink. then mumsy. and sis. and me behind sis. daddy is taking the picture in this shot.

entire family. and i half-squatted i don't know why, don't ask me. wtf. i'm as tall as my sister in this picture HAHAHAH.

still half-squatting.

i'm the camera man now! singing the birthday song! and a makeshift birthday cake. because granny doesn't like cakes that much (i think), we didn't get her one. i asked for the candle from the hotel staff though!

making wish and blowing out the candles!

a customary slice off the "cake".

and chocolate fondue dips. crazily sinful. but sashimi is just HEAVEN.

i was indulging in them i forgot to take pictures HAHAHAHAH. omg. i swear i was in sashimi heaven. talk sashimi language to meeee!

one day home from kallang when fatbear came to fetch me. the pretty sunset. trembling again sorry. HAHA. the traffic was heavy. =/

one more!

fatbear! lovelove!

jam jam jam. hate.

a random shot of my satin pants for work. i have another one spandex one from zara basic. damn chio ok! fits like a glove! (: this satin one i bought from online and tailored slightly because it was too huge.

random shot from weeks ago.

one last random shot for you guys. this is me.

next week onwards i should have changed. went to make new specs. i hope it's nice! it's grey and pink wtf. fatbear says in nice, so ok lor, trust him ba...=/

wanted contact lenses but my eyes were irritating me quite a fair bit. will try again next time when i'm more ready. sigh.

i don't think i look that bad in spectacles right? =/

comfort me. boooo.

monday is over. it's another mad week. will only get busier and busier. =(

responsibilities.

and REALLY broke after paying for a new pair of spectacles. SIGH.

broke is only temporary.
i won't stay like this forever.
soon it'll all be over.

PBL.

hi there!!!!

i really REALLY realllyyy apologise for my lack of updates AND pictures. way shit overdue. =/

it's the weekends again, and i'm taking all opportunities to nua at fatbear's. we've finished 9 episodes of Harper's Island and it's crazily intense. HAHAHA. although after some time the plot gets predictable.

I JUST WANT TO FIND OUT WHO IS THE MURDERER!!!

okkkk. apart from my obsession for the weekends (which totally won't last for long if the downloading doesn't quicken) i've been doing nothing much really.

i've got pictures to upload, but resizing them to a decent size so that they won't take years to upload is tiring. =/


work is just work. and really, i can't comment much about anything else.


many times this week i wanted to blog about several things that bothered me. but most of the times, i am too lazy/tired to open this page. i'd rather just surf and read.


i found a reallyyyy crazy cute website. GO SEE. REALLY. i'm in love already. i should start a bbpp and shitangel range or xiaohuang range. wtf.

my milk toof.

it's too hot now.
perspiring. constipated. and not bleeding yet. =/
byebyeeee!

quick shots.

will blog with pictures soon. so many overdues. HA.
bintan+birthday(sort of) celebration. waipo's birthday at mirama hotel. randoms.

i'm growing uglier. in need of a makeover.
someone please sponsor me contact lenses/lasik surgery funds.
and also a phone will be good. HAAHAH.

aye. apart from fatbear, sis, monz+ed, mum(not really birthday present also HAIZ), i don't have presents from anyone else. sad case right. but oh well, what's the big deal about turning 22. =(

hectic week. hectic-er weekends. and i miss fatbear loads. one day spent with him is never enough in the weekends.

met up with ocip peeps on sunday noon. cafe cartel then settlers at SMU. didn't take any pictures! =(
after that was rushing to mirama for buffet dinner with mum's side to celebrate my waipo's 80th da shou. thanks to fatbear who came to pick me up and drop me off. lovelove!

another new week, and really not looking forward to it. crazy loads of work to do. and i'll never seem to finish.

tired.
=(
gotta head to bed now.
i think fatbear's phone ran out of batt, can't seem to get through. boohoo. no goodnight from him.
stupid fatbear.

i'm gonna wear my academic regalia on 10th july 09. and it's 3.847 as a final gpa. =/ not too proud of it, given my last sem's results HAHAHA. but still, i'm fine. it's just a slip of paper now.

the father, mother, popo and waipo are turning up. sis is skipping it because she has school on that day and i might see her in school to take pics anyway. should be popping by the grandparents house to take pics with ah gong after that, and perhaps a studio shot? =) first graduate of the family. whheeeee!

deposit for the regalia is fucking ex. but at least its worth it, right?

i might not go to the bash, I THINK. =/
-shrugs- feeling anti-social LOL.

fatbear will be attending my commencement too. well, i think it's the official introduction to the family from that day. =/ nervous??? =////

ok, blog more soon. goodnights!!!

tuesday reflections.

it's gonna be wednesday again in a few minutes, and i'm absolutely tired.
i don't know why i get so tired easily these days, but lack of sleep could be a reason.

i've got loads to update about my life, but at the same time, i have no idea where to begin.
i don't know who still bothers to read about me and what's happening, or even truly sincerely care about what's happening to me.
i get so exhausted emotionally and physically these days, and all i want, is to be alone--yet not entirely alone alone.
it's hard to put these down in words.

somehow, the world is only as big as you allow yourself to see it.


it seems as though i've been struggling with finances half my life.
but it's been barely 5 years.
i think it all began when i went to UB, and my parents went broke paying for my school fees.
considering the fact that EVEN IF i return my parents 1k per month, for a year, i can return up to 12k. so 60k means i need 5 years to COMPLETELY clear.

AND this calculation is based on the facts:
1) i don't take leave/MC/absences/urgent leave/hospital leave etc
2) my pay increases in 2 months time to a MINIMUM AMOUNT OF XXXX.
3) i eat grass for 5 years. (wouldn't be a problem, kallang has alot of trees)


i just withdrew 40% of my pay from my account to give the parents for school fees debt + allowance. both got a share.
so...i'm officially freaking bloody broke.


i'm so broke, i am ACTUALLY contemplating to get a china phone just to replace my crazy LG one. because the china phone is only 185bucks. wtf. but it might explode in my face.


i'm reserving 10% for my insurance, 30% for my transport expenses...leaving me with 20% for survival. AND i don't earn alot, for your information.

i keep wondering if i can get a better paid job which i LOVE in this state of economy.
then...i lose track of my thoughts and i go back to stressing myself regarding work.


i feel helpless when parents misintepret my actions and accuse me of things i FEEL i am NOT.
i never seem to gain that understanding, and i'm truly truly TIRED.
all i want is to be loved geuninely, cared for gently, sheltered lovingly...

all i want is to be a normal 22 year old, or perhaps a pampered 22 year old.

and i do have lapses in time, when i wished so hard i wasn't the person i am now, because of my circumstances. i've changed so much these years, i am no longer the person i once was.

i'm so terribly bitter now, i feel sorry for myself.
i'm guarded, cautious, calcuating, careful, forward-planner, practical, desperate, needy, determined, full of perseverance, weak, tattered, shattered, vulnerable, brave, persistent, stubborn.... all at the same time.
unbalanced indeed.



finances is one of my major issues on mind right now.
i wished i earn more. i wished i can afford the things i want and need. and i wished, i didn't have to be so restricted.


working life, wasn't what i imagined it to be.
at least, because i know i took to crazy bitchy hard way out, looking for more trouble myself, avoiding routines and mundane lifestyles, going for challenges and hectic schedules and flexibility, i know...i chose this road.

so i must keep walking for now.
and pray along the way, i find things to support me, give me strength and courage...


because things can only get better from here.
it will.


signing off: 12:08am.

friday again.

ok, i'm starving now at 12:31am. my last meal was about 2pm in the afternoon.
so tired. today has been crazy. but i don't know crazy about what exactly.
worked as usual.
had macs for lunch. delivery. got a free glass.
bought stuff online during my break. retail therapyyyy.

did more work.
decided to go for tuition today since i'll be missing my saturday tuition with her due to the bintan trip.
left hurriedly at 630pm from kallang.
reached boonlay(jurong west) at 840pm.
DIED ON THE TRIP PHYSICALLY--but didn't sleep.
tuitioned till 11:15pm. DIED TOTALLY.
made small talk with the mum.
checked up on tutee's status. realised she slacked from one week without tuition with me. the mum was beaming that i managed to make time for her. she thanked me profusely and offered to buy food for me, but i really was too tired to eat.
wanted to take bus all the way back to clementi from jurong west. but it was so late and my last bus had long gone.

fatbear called. he was outside HAVING FUN. -snorts-
told me to take cab.
made sense. so i took cab. fucking ex. crazy shits.
costs the same as taking to fatbear's place from my place. grrr.
friendly taxi driver.

managed to stumble home, with severe gastric pain.
bathed, brushed teeth, wore retainers, got online to ibank my shopping items.
read a few blogs, surfed a little facebook.
i'm ready to sleep.


fatbear has been making me annoyed recently. maybe it's my hormones wtf.
i'm going to bintan from saturday noon to sunday evening.
short getaway SEVERELY needed.
i hope it'll be super fun! going with monz and chip and fatbear.
fatbear's and mine grad trip (considered lahhhh) plus 2nd honeymoon trip (wtfff).
can't help it when everyone is so busy. =(


staying at nirwana resort. and i found out through facebook post that pinxuan is going there too! OMFG. same hotel and we'll be meeting on the weekends too--with some luck. HAA.


it's friday again. crazy shits.
i think it's about 1 month since my work started. 2 months of probation left!
many things have happened.
i can't even sort out my thoughts. i think i should twitter more/fb post more.


sometimes i think, maybe one day i'll remember that chasing after my happiness is crazy and useless and futile. it almost always never happens. either i'm not fated with the H word. or...i do not know what happiness is.

got lectured about my life a two days back. realized some stuff. have to re-evaluate my life again. i suddenly feel like a failure. i've been nobody all along. all along i've been thinking some people are somebody, and that i could be somebody too, perhaps...

but life is so much more than i thought.
more difficult.
and i cannot walk down this road with my current attitude and perceptions.
i need an overhaul.

till the next time.

morning...panadol.

panadol extra strong for the morning.
pale faced and pounding head.
early for work, but hrm was earlier.
she said i looked ghastly.
i like my work assemble today.
simple, clean, nice.

either i grew fatter over the weekend, or my pants shrank in the wash.

shitted. ahhhh.

fatbear is not forgiven. because i hate broken promises. excuses again and again everytime this happens. it does speak of how important i am right?
you demand for me to listen to you. but how can i? if you don't listen to me?