tuesday reflections.

it's gonna be wednesday again in a few minutes, and i'm absolutely tired.
i don't know why i get so tired easily these days, but lack of sleep could be a reason.

i've got loads to update about my life, but at the same time, i have no idea where to begin.
i don't know who still bothers to read about me and what's happening, or even truly sincerely care about what's happening to me.
i get so exhausted emotionally and physically these days, and all i want, is to be alone--yet not entirely alone alone.
it's hard to put these down in words.

somehow, the world is only as big as you allow yourself to see it.


it seems as though i've been struggling with finances half my life.
but it's been barely 5 years.
i think it all began when i went to UB, and my parents went broke paying for my school fees.
considering the fact that EVEN IF i return my parents 1k per month, for a year, i can return up to 12k. so 60k means i need 5 years to COMPLETELY clear.

AND this calculation is based on the facts:
1) i don't take leave/MC/absences/urgent leave/hospital leave etc
2) my pay increases in 2 months time to a MINIMUM AMOUNT OF XXXX.
3) i eat grass for 5 years. (wouldn't be a problem, kallang has alot of trees)


i just withdrew 40% of my pay from my account to give the parents for school fees debt + allowance. both got a share.
so...i'm officially freaking bloody broke.


i'm so broke, i am ACTUALLY contemplating to get a china phone just to replace my crazy LG one. because the china phone is only 185bucks. wtf. but it might explode in my face.


i'm reserving 10% for my insurance, 30% for my transport expenses...leaving me with 20% for survival. AND i don't earn alot, for your information.

i keep wondering if i can get a better paid job which i LOVE in this state of economy.
then...i lose track of my thoughts and i go back to stressing myself regarding work.


i feel helpless when parents misintepret my actions and accuse me of things i FEEL i am NOT.
i never seem to gain that understanding, and i'm truly truly TIRED.
all i want is to be loved geuninely, cared for gently, sheltered lovingly...

all i want is to be a normal 22 year old, or perhaps a pampered 22 year old.

and i do have lapses in time, when i wished so hard i wasn't the person i am now, because of my circumstances. i've changed so much these years, i am no longer the person i once was.

i'm so terribly bitter now, i feel sorry for myself.
i'm guarded, cautious, calcuating, careful, forward-planner, practical, desperate, needy, determined, full of perseverance, weak, tattered, shattered, vulnerable, brave, persistent, stubborn.... all at the same time.
unbalanced indeed.



finances is one of my major issues on mind right now.
i wished i earn more. i wished i can afford the things i want and need. and i wished, i didn't have to be so restricted.


working life, wasn't what i imagined it to be.
at least, because i know i took to crazy bitchy hard way out, looking for more trouble myself, avoiding routines and mundane lifestyles, going for challenges and hectic schedules and flexibility, i know...i chose this road.

so i must keep walking for now.
and pray along the way, i find things to support me, give me strength and courage...


because things can only get better from here.
it will.


signing off: 12:08am.