living in a wrong world.

just am.
if you know me, you would understand why.

maybe that's why hel thinks i'm weird.
when i don't think i am at all.

everyone tries so hard not to look like the rest,
yet some spend their lives wanting to look LIKE the rest.
which one are you?

understated nomalcy.
hidden nonchalance.
jaded beyond redemption.


tonight, it's peaceful. no more repeating.
no more bad nights, seemingly like a bad tape running on repeat.
no more.

the "backing" wasn't that "backing".
but i well expected it before hand.
disappointments again and again, how much more can i take before i give up on it?
when will he salvage before i lose hope?
or will i have to lower my expectations further, and not expect anything?

the contrast of the day and the night.
the gaping hole between peace and chaos.

behind every mask, there is a story.
so, what's yours?

pain-o-meter

and i wonder how much i can actually take, before i break into pieces, shattered beyond repair.

the one who said he'll give me glue to piece back my heart, was actually the one who broke it. the irony of it all, the cruelty of fate that begins to sink in.

faith; how much does one person actually have? this faith-bank in everyone. that hope-bank. it will run low soon.

you taught me pain. you taught me lies. you taught me to ignore. and you taught me to be foolish. lying will never stop, and i pray that one day this lying turns to reality.

so that this pain eases, so that i can live without your shadow in my heart, so that i can be touched again, without that fear hitting me hard.

untouchable.
breakable.

it's like that broken glass angel figurine. shattered imperfection.
it's like that chipped crystal star. beauty in lacking.
it's like dried splattered blood on the wall. reminding me of that tear.

the serenity of the night contradicts with the din in my soul.

the calmness on the outside, that icy surface, those masks.

everyday i work to ease that pain. i work to forget what i wish to forget.
i wish to accept.

2006 doesn't seem any different from 2007.

i need a ride. i need to feel that chill on my cheeks again.

for tonight, that mask is put aside.
when the light shines through, when the dawn settles, everything resumes to normal.

because although i feel intense joys, i feel intense sorrows too.
let my saviour appear before i crumple.
let me stand on the rooftops and scream my lungs out.
let me be able to declare that i've tried my best.
let me be able to forgive myself and remove that hate.
let me gain a new insight; let everything end tonight.

how can one die, when her soul is already dead?

shitty day.

i'm full of toxins.
morning before leaving the house, i shitted once.
then i rushed outta the house, scared that i would be late for work.
TMDKNN WHERE GOT SO SUEY.
for the entire 1 hour bus ride or so, I WAS CONTROLLING MY BLOODY BLADDER.
I HAD TO REFRAIN FROM SHITTING ON THE BUS.

ok, so i sibei strong ok. never shit, and i almost died as i felt my stomach churning from within. reached the bus stop outside, then i saw curly hair woman, realised she taking same bus as me. sian. hoped she didn't see my boots, then i pia all the way up hill and stairs to the 1st floor toilet, where i had my second shit of the day.

THEN, while cashier-ing, i felt that urge to shit again, then suppressed it. tmd sian.

but finally, i feel liberated. boots-ing is good. HAHAHAHA. i had enough of sneaker-ing for the past few days. :)

anyway, i just shitted. damn sucky. i am really full of toxins man. the shit is damn stinky. HAHAHAHA. okkk.

school's starting on monday. :( :) kinda mixed feelings about it.

and today was the last day of work. damn, i think i will miss them. :( they have been awfully nice since the temp. -grins- and it was definitely fun and hilarious all the way. although infinitely tiring, but it's definitely worthy. let's hope we get more lobangs from there soon. hehe.

i'm waiting for the pay. and to see my account grow fatter. motivated to save already. see alot things i'm dying to have, but i shall SAVE. it's a bad habit i must break mans. to spend spend spend like madness. :(

besides, i must learn the art of mixing and matching to create new looks. hehs.

i'm already weird, so weird abit more also nevermind right? -consoles self-

understated normalcy.

i'm just so tired. but money has to be earned.
ARGH. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT JIELIN!

one last day.

of work and school reopens.
sian.

abit scared. abit anticipation. abit tired.
sigh.
oh wells. i need all the energy i can get.
i need to recharge soon.

when you can fall asleep while standing up, that's just plain not good.

for money.
think money.
not alot but still money earned with hard work.
argh.

fats fats go away.

shalalala.

lalala@hotmail.com.

YEA MAN. damn cool right this email add. some people actually use it. HAHAHAH.

anyways, work is fun today AGAIN. quite abit of laughs. :)

and without omphing but casual chatting, aizat offered me a ride to boon lay, which ultimately ended up as a ride all the way to the bus stop at the tuition centre.
geez, i'm really lucky these days.
or maybe i just meet nice people.

on the not so nice note: i was late today.
i am supposed to leave the house at 7:15am every morning in order to reach at 8:30am for work. BUT, i FUCKING WOKE UP AT 7am.

-curses and swears-

knnb. bathed and got ready in 30min. damn jialat. but still was late. 190 took 15 min to come, despite taking the train today. damn squeezy lah. reminded me of it started with a kiss that scene on the bus. HAHAHAH.

was telling meow about that while chopping and sorting upstairs. then she reminded me of that diao diao scene at a certain dress up party scene. LOL. i couldn't stop thinking about it. damn.

ok im drop dead tired. tuition today was good. class exploded again. damn scary. different levels of comprehension again. expected difficulties in teaching. damn. going at different speeds is damn tiring.
anyway, this means more pay, so equals good for jielin.
hahahahha. i need the money to cpr my bank account.
kids are cute, really. somehow, i think they like me and respect me at the same time. which is good, cos' i never have trouble controlling my class unlike the other teachers. :)


damn, money's running low again.
looking forward to work tml! :)

free ride home.

without any omphs, i got a free ride home from wayne.
hahahah. all the way to my bus stop ok! i'm damn lucky can. geez.
but why no one give me free rides on days when i'm rushing for tuition. -sulk-

but wayne is damn lame, cannot talk to him. full of rubbish. =X
oh wells, he thinks i look 18years old. ok lor. not that bad i guess.
"shi ba sui yi duo hua"

HAHAHAHA. but i think 18 and 19 yrs old like not much of a difference in life. hmmmm.

-shrugs-

work's good. but i think my eyes are gonna die soon. hahahah. whole day face computers and rush through forms. geez. life's good mans. think moneyyyy.

oh wells, it's time for bed. sleep early, then can not so tired. heh. sleeping on buses is damn jialat ok. i always knock my head accidentally against people one. very very paiseh. =(

but i have egg tarts for tml's breakfast! WOOO!!! YAYS. and mee siam for lunch from aziq. double woos.

thou misses thou boots.

near collapse.

ok i'm so dead tired i feel like i can just lie in one position and cannot move anymore.
the early mornings and late nights are just gonna kill me off slowly. every single cell in my body seems to be withering. =X

and the kids are driving me crazy.
it's so hard to teach when they cannot do simple addition and subtraction. YOU TELL ME HOW. knn. give me these kids, it's near impossible to improve the grades one ok! ARGH. fuck it. think money. think moneyyyy. wednesday is gonna be the last lesson where i'll hafta rush off after work. god. the mad rush; i feel ultra drained afterwards.

work's gd. people's gd. think money.

school's starting in one week time. hmmm. kinda looking forward to it. HEH. new anticipations i guess.
i need a new mp3 player. and it had better has a radio receiver. cos' i'm so tired of listening to songs all the time. i need new stuff.

and a new camera ALL FOR MYSELF so i won't need to share.

the psp is real attractive too.
HAHAHAH.

ok ok, it's not like i'll get ANY of those mentioned. just dreaming can.


ur lies; are broken promises.