WAH!

My blog is worth $3,387.24.
How much is your blog worth?

my blog just upped it's value. zh, go check ur value again, maybe got increase leh!
=D



sigh. you know, this is just another attempt to shrink away from my life. to try to ignore what's streaming pass me, as a i stand there, stagnant, in my little lalaland.


i hope everything will go well.
i hope everytime.
but nothing ever goes the way i wanted.
so what for working so hard?
'cos i know im no weakling.





Once upon a time we had a lot to fight for
We had a dream,we had a plan.
Sparks in the air to spread a lot of envy
We spread a lot of envy, didn't have to care
Once upon a time
Remember when I swore my love is never ending
And you and I will never die
Remember when I swore,we had it all,we had it all.


I'll sail away
It's time to leave
Rainy days are yours to keep
Ill fade away
The night is calling my name
You will stay
I'll sail away

=(.

i just fucking screwed up my first paper.
with this terrible headache that comes and goes every two days.
i suspect if i have brain tumour.
at least migraine.
i feel dead.
so screwed up i cannot believe.
it's like a nightmare.
a nightmare i must continue, continue to terrify me, horrify me, and make me realise over and over again, how all these could have been different, if i had spent my past 1 year plus revising diligently, instead of wasting them away, in indulgent fun.

i hate this nightmare.

and what can i do? for i'm entirely at fault.

so screwed up. and no, don't tell me it isn't. because i fucking know what i wrote as my head pounded incessantly.

all i saw was rubbish.

doom.

I am a Gemini.

Eternally childish - both intellectually and emotionally, a Gemini simply refuses to grow up, and will often mooch of off someone until old age.
His only true passion is pointless chatter, which he has mastered to perfection. A Gemini can talk for hours without ever getting to the point.

He reads little, but has an opinion on every issue - even though he will change it about a dozen times a week. It is not uncommon for a Gemini to become an actor or at least a "writer".

Geminis can't stand stress - neither physical nor mental.
---------

i think they just exposed me. everything bad also say out. =(

---------

i'm so shittingly doomed. so scared. so lost. so not doing anything.

i need strength, drive, determination, hope, courage and the faith to move on.
my life has suddenly lost all colours.
be glad when it's gone.

bad day.

at this point, daniel powter's song suddenly would make alot sense.
but no song can sing away my blues now. feeling so terrible.

i know i said i will not update, but i shall break this promise yet again. psychotic rambling starts NOW.

this is going to be a whiny entry. because i feel like complaining.

it's PMS.

no, it's not an excuse. i'm really feeling the pits of pms. and i feel like shit.



not that i've tasted shit before.
digression.


studying is pathetic for me. progress slow. not very steady.

i feel super emo now.

and my father bought the OTO slimming belt thingy that vibrates and supposedly help you cuts fats. i'm trying it out. HAH.



today is such a lousy, bad day i cannot believe it.
you know i really tried to brush off everything. and they always say how some things you cannot control..and don't ever let those things you CANNOT control control you. get what i mean?

i guess i let those things i cannot control come and control me.

sigh. i lost. miserably. so i took the bus home feeling miserable and trying to sleep. but i couldn't. although i think i appeared quite dead to passengers on the bus. i just couldn't REST my mind.


my life is so whirled up now, i cannot think straight.

i cannot cannot cannot blood think.

i think studying has ruined me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror and tell myself: hey! i'm actually looking like a human.

no. everyday i look in the mirror and tell myself: wah kanasai knn, today is another day of studying. STOP LOOKING AT THE STUPID MIRROR LAH JIELIN! so pale so white so ghastly so scary.

and then i retire off to somewhere else to bloody try to study.






frankly, i may appear cheerful and all to people who see me on the streets. i DO try very very very hard to be happy. i know i'll feel better being happy. and i try my best to push all troubles behind to the back of my head, bt i cannot do this everytime.

i feel like the harder i try to push it back, the stronger it's hitting me everytime it surges forward.



you know, someone once told me: "why you always smiling when i see you one..look so happy everytime."

and someone even told me that "seeing me everytime would guarantee a smile free of charge."

there is a huge error.

i don't smile. i hardly smile. i GRIN like a spastic idiot.

but the point i'm trying to say is that, i AM sincere everytime i see my friends. i DO feel happy and i smile my ass off. but..sometimes, when i'm down means i'm down. you don't have to come along and ask me "are you ok?" because obviously from my ugly sulking face i am NOT ok.




i don't even KNOW what am i writing about.



i've talked to my papa. and he thinks that i should just absent myself from the maths paper. since i'm gonna go and flunk anyway. might as well don't go. sigh. anyways, an ABSENT is much better than an F right? provided i get ABB for the rest. sighhhh. provided provided.
but i was really relieved to have talked to him about it. it has been on my chest for a very long time. and the weight was bearing me down. i told him. i did not tell the other parent. in fact, i have not talked to her since like 139734875236 days ago. can't be bothered. i'm sorry, i have a mother?

i'm glad my papa understood my stand and he was caring and concerned.

the last sentence he told me was "just study your best lah..i never ask much from you..do your best can already.."

you know at that point, i so much wanted to break down and hug he and his huge tummy? i wanted to hug him for i have not hugged him since i was in primary school. i wanted to hug him because he has always been the one which is ever so supportive and understanding all the while. i've always been closer to him since i was a baby. yet as i grew up, i feel like the years are taking a toil on our father-daughter relationship--which is a sad plight to even think about.

i know he doesn't voice his expectations. i know i do get irritated and annoyed with him sometimes. i know he does too with me. i know he cares. i know he wants the best for me. and i know i want to do well. i'm i'm just so very afraid. so afraid i cannot do well enough for myself. not well enough to go where i want and do what really want.

the more he doesn't tell me he wants me to ace, the more pressurised i feel.

cos' i feel obliged to ace. i feel pressured to ace. i feel in need to ace.

i need this so much. and i am not working towards it. so how am i going to succeed?

loserloser.







you know, actually i feel so bad now i just wanna go have a good cry.
it's been so bloody long since i let those tears fall from my unmoved heart.

see ya all folks. do take care!

RAH!

i WANT to study hard. i NEED to study hard. but NOW, im fighting against my bed.

can't get my freaking ass out of bed. so irritated. my entire day is like slacked and wasted away.

so pissed. gonna stop updating for now. after this pointless entry. i know it's pointless. but i'm so bloody pissed at my progress i need to vent it out ok. besides, you can choose to click that "back" button on your window broswer or that red "X" at the top right hand corner of your screen.

just don't miss me lah! :P

and i feel so SNEAKED up on. you know who you are. and perhaps i should link you too. =p

*GRINS*



and for your info, i have alot other blogs whom i know of but do not link on my blog. just cos' i like sneaking up on people too.

so yah lah, fine.







had a long chat with none other than louis lim yesterday online! i cannot believe how long we've chatted!!!!!!

*GASP*

and well, ok lah, got deep dark secrets. hahahahaha. but it's a promise to keep it between the two of us only. but it actually feels good to rant on and on, and he listening to my bullshit, and adding bullshit of his time and time along the conversation.

i still cannot believe how terrible he is. bad influence indeed. the only thing i should learn from him is his studying methods and his hardworking nature.





he bloody taught me how to commit suicide if i felt unhappy about my Alevels.





-_-'''



his "101 ways to commit suicide" version. i feel so dotdotdot sometimes. don't ever judge a book by it's cover--again, has re-established its meaning. HAHAHAHA.



and well, he taught me self defense techniques against perverts. -_-''' not that i needed it though, but he was kindly offering me the "many many ways to defend yourself". hahahaha. he's funny lah.

i feel so pms-y lately. and i realised my tolerance level for noise when i decide to settle down to get some work done is actually rather low. especially if you don't know me and come and irritate me, i think you better reconsider. and if you still decide to go ahead and annoy me, then you really should get ready your coffin.


so bloody random. so bloody irrelevant and lacking of substance, much less content. =(


i might not get my NANO afterall. don't know when my pa decides to get the new plan. by then maybe promotion also over. DARN. and i suddenly am eyeing PSP with much desire. DARN DARN!

i think, as people write in their blogs over time, the quality should have improved right? the language and the expression and stuff. i look back at my entries and i do see slight improvements in the way i construct my sentences. yet on the other hand, i seem to have improved only that slightly. and it's quite discouraging.

and well, perhaps expected. i've accelerated far too fast in my early childhood days, and well, perhaps this oil and fuel to learn has burnt low. i admit that. i prefer non-memorising stuff, prefering content that makes me reflect and rethink my positions and stands on certain topics. i like to be challenged. but not in a way such as i have to memorise and freaking use formulas(eg. MATHS..ROAR!!!) which i certainly know clearly in my mind, i would have no use of in MY future. except for counting my rich husband's money. heheheheh.

but that's not the point. see? if i am SO freaking rich, i would have a self-hired accountant to do all that shit for me.

sigh. my point here is, i wish to spend my life doing something i love. things like volunteering in charity, overseas projects, raising awareness for things i believe in. anything. i like to do things like exercising out in the sun, instead of having to plant my butt down on my chair for 3/4 of the day reading things that i HAVE to learn, cos' it freaking decides my future.

life is wierd. only when you can pass all these obstacles in your life, then you can do things you like. if not, then forget it about trying to make it big.

dude, the ENTIRE stupid world WANTS to make it big. so what makes YOU think YOU will?



i remember this quote: everyone wants to do huge things in life, but they often forget, life is made up of many small things.







//being someone is difficult, being someone great is even harder.


perhaps, i just need a rest from all these shit after this shit, to think about the shit i want to do in the rest of my shitty life.

just for reads.

i found a rather interesting blog. hahahha, it's pretty funny if you read it for entertainment purposes lah. =p


http://blinkymummy.blogspot.com/2005/08/welcome-to-world-of-zhng-ing.html

go click around to read a few of her classic entries. really made me laugh, a few of them. and of cos', her obsession with mayday! hahaha.





anyway, i went to MI with sis to try to study. heard that it's nt bad place to study. but i felt stupid(maybe i am, ya i know) because i had to don her volleyball jersey to go in without being found out. tsktsk.

but hell, it was worth it. i never felt so WOW before as i reviewed their compound.

their library IS a freaking TWO STOREY building ALL BY ITSELF. can you qie that SA? hahahah. damn.

and guess what? although their classrooms are not the air-conditioned kind we enjoy, BUT their freaking lockers are IN their homeroom. and oh, did i mention that they don't have to move their asses to go to lessons? their teachers pretty much go to them. WTF. i feel so......=( we were laregely undisturbed in the room for half the day.

ok lah fine. what for compare. might as well go study there right? hahaha, i'm just pretty much wow-ed by their system.

but their school does sucks in certain aspects. like not selling instant noodles.(their teachers are scared that their students will be malnutritioned--according to the sis.) hot water is meant for milo and cereal or whatever shit. but there is a shop nearby that sells cup noodles, so everything's fine. walking distance i heard.

and their school is invariably resounding of SCREAMS from girls. tsktsk. my sis said it's the year ones with nothing better to do and wanting to attract attention from people nearby. that's soooo junvenile. i wonder if they outgrew their secondary "play-catching" days already or not. then my sister clarified. they play catching in the assembly area--another tactic to attract attention(from guys presumbly). WTF. i didn't know such girls still existed. quite a disgrace if i must add. oh, maybe i was like that last time? i used to love catching. =(


HAH. anyway, i got away unfounded lah. see so pro right. maybe i look like a volleyball player!









i suddenly miss hockey PT trainings and pitch trainings. all that 30 rounds, STUPID burp-ups and situps and pushups and EVERYTHING else. including all the pain i endured. suddenly i really miss every hockey peep. =(









i miss my stick even. i think it is being eaten "alive" by termites by the door. =(











my sister was so amused when i told her last time specks of loose wood flew out of my stick when i hit/sweep at the hockey ball. tsktsk.









the weather just went bonkers. it rained suddenly!! omg. scary ok. before that got one huge super loud lighting plus thunder.

pa--"wahhhh, i thought got people take picture of me lehhh!"

-_-'''



anyway, me and my sis came back from her school and found the new car sitting comfortably in the parking lot. and sparkling shiny. SHINY. REALLY SHINY. wah biang, the side mirror, is TWO-SIDED ok!! NOT ONLY THE MIRROR SIDE CAN SEE YOURSELF, EVEN THE OPPOSITE SIDE ALSO CAN SEE YOURSELF.

amazing. me and sis wanted to leave our "imprint" on the car. but our fingerprints wouldn't appear dispite many attempts. must be too waxed liao.

tyres also damn chio. woah. the car is like entirely BLACK.

sis--"aiya, he want to be macho man what."
tsktsk. hahahah. no wonder he refused my proposal to get a pink car!


=( pink nice what. go parking lot confirm can fidn your car.




WOAH. i was so bo liao and did this thing provided by mr brown in his website. i cannot believe my worthless blog is worth so much!!! ok lah, very little compared to his. but heyyyyyy..good start for me ok!

feels good that i'm worth more than one cent. HAH.

anyways,

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

go try it out yourself! i'm sure your blog is worth more!! :)

argh!

you know, there are times when i'm just so fucking pissed at how thick-headed people can be. i am in no right to condemn one to being STUPID, because i cannot deny i am not that highly intellectual either.

but reading blogs kinda got me all fired up.

you see, my stand is:

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT BLOG THEN DON'T READ CAN!!

wtf.

sometimes i just don't understand why people want to go through the pain of reading, AND THEN criticise that poor blogger.

eff you all idiots. YOU DON'T LIKE THEN DON'T READ. READ ALREADY DON'T LIKE PLEASE SHUT UP.

no one effing put a gun next to you and your pea brain and made you click whatever that link is right? you all say you don't read that blog.

oh come on, you don't read then how you know what she is talking about??! this is sheer crap.

i cannot even continue.






in case any of you are wondering, i was refering to Xiaxue and her entry about public toilets--DISABLED public toilets to be exact. and those readers that opposed her view obviously. i didn't WANT to read what they wrote, but well, i admit curiosity got the better of me, and i MUST see how those crazy people reacted to her comments.

and they are indeed crazy.

i do agree with some of her points though. quoting from xiaxue:

I always thought that the physically handicapped will have a sense of pride even stronger than the average person, and this is something I have always admired in them. Their will to live far exceeds those physically abled, and because they constantly get unwanted pity, they are even more bent to prove themselves; prove that they can also live their lives normally, like everyone else.But this man has proven me wrong.Instead of picking up his pride, he exploits his disability to the fullest extent, to get things working for him; and to harm others - who are not allowed to have a different opinion from him.

we are definitely in no position to judge the morality of anyone.

everyone has their own stand, so like it or not, we can only oppose it. we are certainly in no position to slam that person. everyone has opinions. and it was just HER opinion. like it or not, it IS the right of everyone to have their own opinion, provided they do not maliciously hurt anyone directly.

but all the comments i see in opposing blogs are comments slamming her. no one is eff-ing perfect you all. mind you. neither are you. neither am i. so stop all this bullshit.

i'm really starting to hate how humans have evolved. how extreme our kind are. there are those whom i admire and look up to, but yet there are some which make me rethink my position on whether this society we live in are up to our own expectations.

we think we are oh-so-good. we are not so. please wake up from your little lalaland and stop thinking you are the best. comments and opinions, you want to read then you read, you like then fine, don't like then don't say so much. it's a simple rule isn't it? it's not like she's implementing policies or whatever shit.

she is trying to support herself you know that too. it's HER blog, so let it be. stop criticising her, and start thinking about YOURSELF. you may claim to be morally upright or whatever else, but please do rethink. i'm sure you are not as "upright" as you think you are.

no one is in any position to judge anyone. so there.
--------------------
ok fine, don't like my stand just tell me. i just feel slightly fried in the brain area. so fucking tired from everything. everything includes trying to study by the way. TRYING. trying never felt so TRYING before.

hah. anyway, read her blog if you want to know what i am talking about. read others if you want to know more. and NO, i DID NOT encourage you to slam her or anyone. let's just be peaceful ok.

where's all the supposed beauty peageants and their "i want world peace!" stand?

can't even live in peace among us Singaporeans. what more a world.
-------------------
lighter note:

was talking to shih jie online, and we were discussing about studies and me not studying might be able to get a rich husband and all.
then i told him i have no career line and bs mentioned tt i might become a tai tai. and i cannot believe he said this.


tie a red ribbon round the old plastic pipe says:
confirm la... quite obvious
tie a red ribbon round the old plastic pipe says:
u haf the makings of a tai tai.. i can see..



DOTDOTDOT.

ok lah, it's good and bad. HAH.
i wonder how to see from face. grr.


tag me with all your comments!