lan lan.

you know how it sucks when you just cannot stop cursing and swearing? i found myself in this state ever since i started school. obviously i try to hold myself back, cos' my friends aren't exactly very vulgar. hah. but somethings really just seem more understandable with FUCK inside. or maybe TMD. (learnt new phrase from ah wan--TMDQS..SUPER FUNNY!) but yea, it's bad lah. children reading, don't learn hor.

sigh. then you realised maybe cos' your life is so fucked up.

was listening to cigarettes and coffee today while slacking and waiting for ESL lesson with grey ge, tomato, koey and priya. it's damn funny lah. talked alot. then mel joined. talked more. then ee teng joined. then ab. SERIOUSLY. and i was fucking supposed to be studying.

gave up anyway. talked hell lot of shit. laughed like mad. good. company's good. =)

friends are so much more easier to make when you just open up, self-disclose, and be spontaneous. hehs. and it's so interesting to have ppl from all walks of life coming into your life. so much to learn. so many stories to hear. so much to digest.

and i give up totally. it's so hard to try portray one image when i get multiple feedback.

aparently, koey thought i was a rock chick when he first saw me. and he still thinks i am. great. and he observed that i wear leggings at least twice every week. BUT, this week never liao ok! ONCE only. hahahaha.

then priya thought i was little miss guai kia. HAHAHAHA.

then grey ge thought i was someone who go chiong almost everyday. THANKS LOR. don't know honoured or insulted.

and glenda saw my tatoos, and thought they were real. LOL. "were they painful?" was the first thing she asked me. hilarious.

she's not the first anyway. i've got people coming up to me and ask me whether it's real/tell me it looks really nice. interesting. i didn't think people would notice. but hell yea. got alot more attention than i thought it would.

somehow it wouldn't go off that easily. must scrub hard.



soft news aside(freak! COM101 term!), i've got mid terms in like...3 fucking days. fucked up. seriously. considering my sat's half gone, and friday's almost over. i've got...1.5 days left. FUCK IT.

kill me. leave some blood behind.

no term break. endless assignments. seriously. what's wrong man. they think we superman/superwomen ah. i mean, i'm not intellectually inclined. and the stress is really pissing me off. it's ruining my...body.

fucking pimples everywhere.
and i binge every night while studying.
KO on bed super easy.
bui dong till morning.
go school chiong and study and do assignments at home.
repeat.


fucked up. others can cope. NOT ME OK. sigh. i asked for help finally. not going for tuition on mon and tues. i need that extra time i can get.
tml still got ultra duper long day of tuitioning though. sucks.


i've got to stop eating. going to burst liao can.


you know how you know somethings just aren't the same? when you try to be modest and hide things you don't want people to know, try to praise people for their hard work which paid off, and feeling REALLY happy for them.
things changed. i changed.
i guess somethings just don't mean that much. others took their places.

somehow, some people, are better left alone. better to stay passive, then try to act all chummy and be nice, when you just want to be...there.

you need people with same frequency lah.

i've got to be less sacarstic.

LOL. and daffy is funny. really. JLO. wah thanks. with his concept of godly talents. tsk. shall not go into details. i'm honoured. and he's really nice anyway.


weekend is short. i need more hours in one day.

go listen to coffee and cigarettes. it's addictive. it's tragic.

no link.

life has been a bitch recently. but things are made so much smoother and easier with these girls around.

but life's still a bitch. and today i did a FIRST.
yea, hel you should know. it's a secret between the two of us ok? sigh. but i'm still worried and perplexed over what actually is happening inside me. hahaha.

my heart beat like mad while waiting.
something i don't want to experience again definitely.

mid-terms are next week already. so dead, so dead.
everyday i go to school and think i am ready to face the lectures and tutorials.
i do try my best, i swear.
i stay up late into the night just to finish assignments and pray hard i don't fall asleep during class.
i try to give quality work.

and i think i know what i am doing and writing. yet sometimes, i feel so jaded i start to question whether i do really know. it's so complex, yet so simple.

am i complicating things?

i must study harder. catch up on things i have no idea on. because the rest are. and i cannot lag behind. sigh.
life of a student they say, is truly much more desirable than that of a working adult.
so i better treasure these shitty times, for if the saying is true, life can only get bitchier.

---

ah, according to ab, "we are roped into the double A". HAHAHA. seriously, and alex just now asked me to go sing ktv along. "ask aby come along also"--he says. *grins* but then again, asides from this minor distraction, i've come only to realise yet again how i've misjudged.

maybe the double A is not so double A. for their presence seems less bright now. maybe it's the getting used to.
maybe, it's simply us over-reacting.

cannot judge people by their appearances. alex doesn't turn out to be as bad as he looks. friendly, camp instructor and a singer and performer! who can tell! *grins*

so, abby. moral of story is: maybe i am not as kiap-pa inside as i look on the outside. HAHAHAH. maybe i'm those cannot-ah-bu-shuang-ah-*PIAK*-kinda-look BUT as gentle and sweet as an angel on the inside.. LOL.

okok, digression.

---

oh, tml is book out day aka my last day of school for the week! double yay-ity. =)
sometimes i think whether my happiness is based on imaginary emotions.

lateness is NOT a virtue.

it sucks being late always. seriously. worst when you step out of your gate and watch the dumb bus zoom past you. immediate PEK CEK-NESS.

i just want a chauffeur. but this kinda things, omphh how much i think also not much use leh. =X

everlast omph also no use one. sian liao. hahaha. and his last fingernail freaking long. CAN WA PI SAI hor hel? HAHAHAH.

sigh. anyway, gotta thank weijin for his honey drink for me. sweet. =)

pics part two!









i'm gonna crash and burn soon.

cam whoring part one.

HAHAHA. the pictures speak much by themselves. =)
school sucks, but everything seems better with them around.

sigh. work never seems to ever STOP. fucking just stop piling us with work!!! THERE'S TESTS NEXT WEEK ALREADY!
mid terms. i'm so dead. sighhh.

dammit. i feel like i am under this huge pressure ball sometimes. pressing down on me. can hardly breathe.

anyway, the pics.
*grins*

warning: extreme retardation alert. hahahah.

head is a spinning.

my head is fucking spinning.
i feel like i just got off the dumb teacup ride in genting.
only that this time..

i'm delirious one second, then depressed the next.
i feel so uncontrolled with my emotions,
my actions,
my anger,
my disappointment,
my expectations,
my frustrations.

i hate my life.
i hate myself.
period.

i feel like i'm fighting a god damn war i cannot win.
but i'm just fighting to prove my worth.
to prove that i am as good as the others,
to prove that i can catch up with the rest.

but i'm struggling.
and the defensive side of me you see,
the side where i protect myself and appear so hostile and unapproachable, so fierce and so unfriendly,
is the side i am, when i feel unfamiliarities,
when i feel that u are able to hurt me,
when you have the abilities to see through my vulnerabilities.

when i feel that i am nothing,
but a lousy piece of shit.
and i thought that i could change you,
but to no avail.


when i did so much wrong,
i no longer knew what's right and what's not.
when i'm so exhausted,
i bloody cannot thing straight.


when i created things intentionally,
only to destroy them.

i'm such a bitch.
but i'm such an angel.
i'm a little of both,
only which side do you see me to be?


who will be there to catch me when i fall?
who will be there to hold me when i crumple?
who to dry my tears when i cry?
who to see through my masks and let me lean on for support?
who for me to bully and yell vulgarities at?
who to accept me for who i am,
not try to change me,
or make me feel like shit,
and love me at the end of the day.

can you do that?
can YOU?

can you make me feel less useless.
less like a lousy person.
less like someone who is...non-existent.
someone who is like the rest.

how can we behave, to be appropriate?
when i thought i was falling in love,
then i'm not too sure suddenly.

when i thought that was that,
but i was proven wrong.
when i thought you were you,
then i saw another side i wished to never see.


so i ignored. and i tried to ignore.
so hard, i did try.
i tried to ignore what i saw, to pretend to be things i never saw.
to pretend i did not know things i knew.
to pretend i don't care when i do.
to pretend i do not love you, when my heart screams yes.
then again, do i know what is love?

everything contradicts.
maybe a drop too much i've had, maybe.
maybe i needed that.
to unwind.

when i awake the next day,
things will change, things will be different.

i just carry on with life,
i just carry on with my homework and reports and research and assignments.
time never seems to stop.
my life seems to screw me up.

i control fate?
i believed.
then i fell victim: fate controls me.
it fucking sucks.
when you are so defiant.
and you feel so uncontrollable, so...lost.
uncertain.

alcohol. bitter sweet.
high, supreme.
lows, depressing.
delirious one moment, and down the next.
you just wait for the next high.
and drown amidst your hidden tears.

as your heart forms a dam and screams silently,
and you hold your mask as calmly as you can.

who really see through you?
who?
your enemy?
or soulmate?
no one?
or simply...
you are alone in this world.
no one can save yourself,
only you yourself can.

cos' the world keeps spinning, as does my head.
time waits for no man.

the rose on my arm.
the scorpion on my wrist.
i'm a combination of both.
which drives me crazy.
because both cannot exist at the same time,
just like we two cannot.
yet when they do meet,
the intensity and chemistry is overwhelming.
so strong it blows me backwards.
it strikes me momentarily.


tragedy.
replaces.
joy.
vice versa.

pics pics pics!

HAHAHA. this is what you do when you are ultra duper bored and nothing to do.

well, it's basically the few of us slacking around at the bench..=X
hahahah. started taking pictures..don't know why. maybe it's the BLACK thing. hahaha. yating is PINK gang one.

anyway, i screwed up big time.

i was doing something, distracted, while A.Lee was calling out names to mark attendance.

"Leon lai?"
(me thinking the singer...) "LEON LAI???"
"what? cannot ah?" (from leon lai personally himself)


WAH. i tell you. i was feeling pissed and paiseh at the same time. super sian. just kill me.
NOT LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN JACKING YOU CAN, HELLO. i not so free. grrrr. super don't like the double A people. grrrr.


but saw andro guy in sim today. woooo! hahaha. reminded me of jiang zhi shu. LOL.

abby! stop looking at the same things i look at too! (or vice versa) LOL. somehow, we just get attracted to observe the same things...or people. *grins*

and the rain beats down on me.

i'm so lethargic and i don't want to do the stupid communications report. i haven't even freaking started it.
=(

my search for the dress will be held on wednesday and thursday after school, which is like 530pm? SUCKS. and people who know me know that i don't wear dresses. TSK. deep shit.

i'm not dreading school. i'm just dreading the workload.

yet sometimes i feel so jaded...i just don't want to give a damn. but things just have to come and pester me. GRRRR.

well, i think more people than i know actually read my blog. which is surprising. but not that i can help it. content is open to interpretation.


just had a passing thought: isn't it sad to be known as "XXX's girlfriend"?

like seriously. i wouldn't be proud of it. i mean, it's the feeling of being related to someone. like you are a nobody without that certain person. like you are just..there. it's sad. and it's sadder cos' i might be one such case.


but then again, i behave so differently among different people, i hardly know who is the true me. i can be so introverted at times, yet so boisterous and unglamourous, so daring and attitude, so vulgar and uncouth, so gentle and caring, so understanding and passive.

i don't understand. maybe because different situations call for different characters? or maybe i'm a mixture of everything. being too versatile. being too...everything. all rolled into one.

one thing is for sure. i cannot be sexy or glamourous, or elegant. FOR SURE. double chop plus guarantee. HA.
quite sad.

and i have no defined style. keeps changing. keeps..alternating. but it still circles around one main personality. only if you observe carefully, then you'll notice. not like people would bother to do that.


godly deva sent me a msg today! YAY! freaking delirious. ABBYI'VEBEENCHOSEN! *grins*

okkk. i'm tired. i feel jaded.
i can beso fucking anti-social sometimes. which i don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. *frowns*