sick. sick. sick.

no, im not talking about zihao(HAHAHAHAHA. oops i think he'll read this), im talking about myself actually. i am ultra super duper sick now.

can't think.
can't concentrate.
can't breathe.
can't do hwk properly.
im killing many trees.
used 7 packets of tissues today.
slpt unknowingly during many lessons today.
cldnt get anything concrete into my head.

conclusion: im screwed.

so little time. so much to do. i really dunno how to get past As with decent grades to get me to SMU doing the course i want. i wanna die.

im a loser.

so many things have happened recently. very busy. so i'll just give short updates.

learning festival was fune. went for four courses officialy. first impressions and ancient civilisation museum. URA and plaster cast your hand. all quite fun! :) crashed a few courses such as fencing and badminton. then "taught" floorball. but din really teach anything also anyway.

yea. wasted 2 gd days. after that friday afternoon was ocip selection camp. i think i hardly ate or slpt in peace for those 2 days or so. SUPER BUSY CAN. sigh. but i enjoyed myself la. realised that bonds and friendships were built all over again, strengthened, and also recalled many sweet memories of all that shit we went through last year. sigh. :) got to know some j1s too. heh. some of them keep saying hi to me on monday. bah. felt super funny. cos' they din dare say hi to ziwan. must be she too fierce liao. :D

half and hour of slp in those 2 days in total. then i went home packed my stuff and bathed. around 11plus 12 at night already. K.O-ed in bed. 12 hour hibernation. woke up at 12pm the next day. :)

school has been havoc and tiring. im taking a break. especially when im sick. 3/4 of my energy seems to be sapped away from me. i wish to stop going school now. think last time rv days where we get our free study periods were so shiok. i dunwan go school!!! ARGHS. screwed up life in a quite bad environment. no wonder dingo said "xian tian hou ku". now i understand.

was at mac trying to breathe and study at the same time today. wah, saw alot ah bengs and ah lians. im actually quite impressed at the teenagers today.

-they have cooler and higher tech phones than me(but i think everyone does la :( )
-they dress much better.
-they can wear sports shoes and sneakers to school!
-they have huge piercings
-they die their hair
-their hair super funky can??!
-they are open with their BGR.
-they scold alot vulgarities.
-they don't know what does "silence" means.
they eat alot fast food.
-they seem to have ALOT ALOT money.
-and oh, ALOT ALOT ALOT time.


while i was frantically trying to stuff some maths formulas into my pea brain, they were slacking away, talking non-stop, going in and out of macs, bringing in more friends, leaving with some friends. they seemed to have time for EVERYTHING. don't they ever need to study?

perhaps im gneralising, cos' what i saw today wasthe ah bengs and ah lians from neighbourhood schools near my house. hmmmm. bu still, i guess they'll out grow it la. i bet i was like them last time. super unglam.

but im still not glam now la.

got maths test tml. die already. impossible to finish. i think i really wanna die. sometimes i wish i can die before my As. den dun hafta take the exam and see the results. sigh.

sometimes i just wish i dun live on this earth. i'll be a much happier spirit.

but i cant give up now. unless i park myself in the middle of orchard ROAD for cars to knock me down or something. but orchard so busy. trafffic jam, want to knock also cannot.

:(

i really need alot determination. please give me those. someone please help me. i feel like im losing myself day by day.

losing to everything. everyone. even myself.

im lost. im miserable.

im hopeless.

someone tell me im useful please. besides breathing in oxygen and emitting carbon dioxide..and er..methane gas? besides irritating the hell out of people, besides being an unfilial daughter, a lousy friend, a horrible classmate, a terrible schoolmate, and a retarded student.

im really quite hopeless. im finding my aim and goals in life. hoping that i can actually fulfil these simple yet influential dreams for me. i just want these too bad.

today maths lect was a total bore. got sent to LT1, the worst lecture hall i think. hahahah. so me and bishi were having an msn conversation, considering she sat behind me and we were passing that racial harmony book to scribble our conver.

then yun ma msged me from the audi to tell me my two eye candies maths very good. both in audi. =X like gu yi agitate me one. can't stand it. must aspire to be in the same lecture hall as them already! :)

quite sad. but bishi sure cheered me up. drawed a couple of crap stuff. damn lame. HAHAHAH. but she ended school. i still had physics tut to endure. me, zw and yun ma were standing outside the classroom debating to go in or just to leave school. me and zw wanted to leave la, then yun ma down there SUPPOSED to encourage us to go right?

she didn't.

"you all go la, i go in myself."

WAH LAU. so evil i tell you. ask us pon school then she herself go study. HAHAHA. so in the end 3 of us went in. late. super loser. can't believe i gave in to peer pressure so easily. but ziwan is right--ponning will just make us want to pon again and again. sigh. first three months mans. miss those i-cant-be-bothered attitude.

now it's always i-must-be-bothered-cos-everyone-is.

im so screwed. and i just realised there are about 52 weeks in a year. i didn't believe it when syaf told me that. but she calculated for me. and yea, it's true. fOok. =( time is whizzing past me. im a wasted human being.

pet phrase now: im like so dead can?

pe was ok. yun ma didn't run her 2.4km today, so syaf and i played badminton doubles with our ever-changing opponents. hahaha. damn. i realised i seriously CANNOT play doubles. i keep clashing into people. =( i need alot alot alot ALOT space one.

im fat la can?

my knee hurts now though. exert too much pressure already. haix. hopefully ok by ocip selection camp la. if not trekking will die one.

after the horrible tut which i spent most of my time studying maths(OMG yes, it's unbelievable), me zw xy and eileen wenta HBF to get some food. eileen n zw ate the supposedly very ncie chicken rice at HBF hawker centre. then i persuaded them to go subway to get cookies! hahahha. they damn horrible. all 3 share 3 cookies. i one person eat 3. obviously is cannot diet la. die. all efforts go to waste. =( hahahha. walked and talked. then yun ma wenta get her kopi-O from starbucks.(she had that craving since the tut) hahaha. so we sat there and talked and waited for eileen to finish copying the maths stuff. sigh.

went home soon after. feeling rather satisfied. only now that i have tons of hwk infront of me and im slacking. loser jielin. no more mugger. :(

hmmmm. do you really think bias-ness in marking papers exist? it's just hard to believe that people can jump by 5 grades in one test. hmmm. nvm.

darn. didn't see teddy bear at all today. im going crazy.

like shit.

im so irritated and pissed to retype the entry i lost yesterday due to poor net connection. will just briefly outline i guess(BAH, i HATE doing essay outlines).

hmmm, yesterday was quite fine la. had ocip dry-run. highlight of the day i guess. supposed to study after school till 3pm which was the dry-run time, but i was stoning and sleeping half the time. and i fell aslp. shucks. and i salivated. how gross is that. i alwaes salivate when i slp face down. HAHAHAHA. and i only slp face down when im in school. =X

anyway, the pt was that the dry run went quite successfully. :) alot pressure is on us though, and im quite afraid i'll not perform up to standards. especially being a grp leader, really have to observe my members tightly cos' ultimately i'll be one of those deciding who to choose for the ocip trip 2005/6. haix. yea, and i love to laugh and smile too much. no good cos' may give people the idea that im very slack, which i am not. i guess i know when to be serious la. those who really know me will understand i guess. still, i hope everyone will do their best and do a great job! :) jiayou ok!!!

had dinner after that, but while waiting for zw n lx to come back from the gallery, played a little hockey with marcus. just simple passing and hitting la. hahahha. quite fun..hmmm..but still he is as irritating as ever la. :P then they came and i left. yea, a couple of us went for dinner. talked quite alot. funny la. hahaha. love them alot mans! :) i loveeee my friends!

/irrelevant.
was thinking that day of hike, how a glob of bird shit just dropped from the sky onto my wrist when we were taking a break at the summit. hahaha. damn disgusting i tell u. the shit is WARM. just imagine can???!!! it's like fresh from oven, LAOSAI(since it was all wet and gooey) la!! BAH. stupid mr ho cldnt stop laughing and the rest were commenting how lucky i am, must go buy toto. so no compassion. hahahaha. but they did offer me tissue paper la..and sandra even helped me wipe the shit! :)

mr ho wanted to me to smell the shit. so sick right he? hahahaha. joking la. but i think he is one of the cutest pe teachers i met..think all pe teachers are very nice. :)

hmmm, oh ya, i hope marshy's foot is much better now! :)

yea, just now went to popo's house for dinner. my first meal of the day. hahaha. im soooo determined to jianfei i tell u! :) met my third uncle and his wife there.

"ah qi looks like samantha ah(my other cousin aka his daughter)"
*turns to look at me*
"ah lin looks like ah lin."
hahahha. mans, i hope that's a gd comment. better than "ni zhang da le" after complimenting on how my sister looked. that's like damn mean can? i mean i know im not as pretty as my elder sis la, but don't like to make such an obvious effort to comment anything about me ma. heh.

anyway it's ok la, i like that uncle alot. he used to pamper me ALOT when i was young. :) treat me better than his daughters liddat..hee. but now different la. :)

oh yes, and there was the controversy over The Vampire Teeth. whether to "Just Pluck it Out" VS "Just Leave it There". hmmm, what do u think? actually i do not realise i have rather irregular and ugly teeth most of the time, but sometime si have people telling me in the face that it makes me ugly. others say it makes me look erm..good? i dunno. but i would really miss those teeth if i had them plucked out to do braces. and the though of bleeding and a swollen mouth for days and tolerating the pain of braces for 2yrs or so is quite a turn-off. but what about my future? would my appearance matter alot? i dunno.

just saw a tv advert. with a pretty model with vampire teeth like mine too. only that she's PRETTY la, and im not. hmmm.

life is pretty screwed up. i wanna study, but just cant find the concentration and motivation yet. die. really die. haix. especially when im so far behind EVERYONE. im so dead can?

was listening to my shuffle. really like the songs inside. (DUH. if not put inside for what right?) but many songs really have lyrics that are matching my mood now. heh. kinda fell in love with corrine may's songs. her voice is just so souful and deep. the lyrics are even better.

teenage angst. MCR rocks.

sad love songs. sly and taoze.

random pleasures. bowling for soup. simple plan. greenday. good charlotte. danny powter. lifehouse. blink 182. yadayada.

realised i have 95% english songs. hahahaha. and people think im CHEENA. bah.

you know, i wonder why people just get the impression that girls who wear specs are ncie, guai1, very obedient and very hardworking sort. ok so maybe most of them are. but im definitely not one of them. you know, if there wasnt this "good" part of me in myself, i can pretty much foresee jielin becoming a chao ah lian and a high school drop out. i have ALOT of rebellious nature and angst in me right now.

must be the stress. i feel irritated with almost everyone and everything. pms?

BAH.

/random slurrings.
i thought i could forget about you. i thought everything was over.
yes, it is. just that i cant help but think of the good old times we used to have.
sweet and wonderful.
but i gave it all up.
im glad though, u have found your new happiness.
all the best to you. :)
im really sincere.
really.

i really don't want to think about you right now.
looking at you from afar.
pretending not to see, but glancing from the corner of my eye.
but every sight of you makes my heart skip a beat.
the cuteness you seem to have.
but character i have no idea about.
perhaps it's just another passing phase.
for i indulge in infatuation over the perfect image i have of you in my mind.
i just gotta wake up from this.
before i appear like an idiot.(or am i already?)
this is nothing.
as usual
it's just me.

sad mugger.

i haven't been obeying my mugging theory lately. i cant seem to find time. cant seem to get enough sleep. can't seem to concentrate at times. can't seem to understand physics. i wanna die.

but i cant. cos' my new geog teachers says that "no time" is not an excuse. sigh. true la. i nv took it as an excuse also. BUT it's really no time lately. 24hours doesn't seem to be enough. im dying from fatique already. everyday go school go tutorials or lectures. free periods study or do hwk. sometimes even go library to borrow books to photocopy. stupid lousy SA notes. BAH.

actually im really very stressed now. you may not tell. but i try to relieve stress by talking alot. it's either i talk alot or i don't talk at all. sigh. im such an extremist.

today had night trek recce for the group leaders and a couple of them involved in it. quite ok la. frankly speaking, i almost died after the staircase round. REALLY LA. i never felt myself huffed and puffed so much before. it's really worrying. hahahaha. bah. super unfit. but other than that part, it was relatively ok la. gotta make them tired mans. have to say this is more competitive than last year's, and definitely gonna test one's endurance and physical abilities. :) no more meesiam!! hahahah.

had many laughs for this recce. very relaxed although walking speed is REALLY fast for a disabled person like me. couldnt catch my breath half the time. hahaha. ask me run can la. walk fast is very tiring leh. but im really looking forward to the camp! :)

tml got dry-run again. haix. see? no time. excuses again.

im supposed to do my geog tutorial now. but im so tired i cant think logically. i don't even know how to explain the model although it hink the answer is very obvious on the question. sigh. and i cant think of any case studies. so bad. i gotta go read up more. :( lousy.

im not mugging officially yet. but im trying. and i haben started on physics. die. i have no idea was is charged particles abt, and quantum physics is SHIT. i hate the lecturer and his ugly handwriting and his way of lecturing. im so pissed off everytime i go to his lectures. gRrrr. i want mr mannan back!!! i seriously hate physics. i better start loving it, cos' its one of the subs i really wanna do well in. (but i wanna do well in everything!)

im so sad.
cos'itsjustanotherbadday,andiwantsomeonetosingallmybluesaway.
isawyoufromafar,butyoudidntnoticemelookingatyou.
andiwonder,isitanotheroneofmydevelopingcrushes.
itis,foridonotknowyouatall.
andperhapsidonotwantto.ijustwannalookatyoufromafar.
imjustnotthetypeofgirlu'llnotice.
iminvisible.amongstthecrowd.

EFF

yes. tt's what i got so far. it's a pretty loser grade i got there. still left my geog. most prob gonna get O. so it's gonna be EOFF. BAH. tell me how la, how to change this to AABB for Alevels. i might as well go bang my head against the wall. but hey, my name is jielin, and im SO GONNA DO IT! so there.

i just passed my econs. literally just passed. on the dot. rounded up somemore. it was a 3 grade drop. i felt mixed emotions. one side of me was angry i got so horrible results for my supposedly best subject. another part of me was kinda expecting it. hey, i did not do an entire essay Q. how am i supposed to pass? GGRRR. this tells me alot abt myself. not just econs paper. but the other freaking papers. I JUST DO NOT HAVE PROPER TIME MANAGEMENT.

if i had planned m time well, if i had finished all the Qs in the papers, i would have gotten a decent grade.

so what?

so man IFS, but it's all over. i better not brood over this. it's so not gonna get me down. since im slow n dumb, i just have to work doubly hard. i might even flunk prelims. but as long as i score well for As, who cares. the ultimate goal is in mind. i just hope everything works out and dun screw up on me. there are too many screw up-s this year.

sigh. actually im freaking out thinking and stressing myself imaginging WHAT IF I DUN PASS or DO BADLY FOR MY As. yea. tt's pretty much the end of my life. sigh.

you know, sometimes u yearn to fulfil that dream SO MUCH that it hurts to think about it? cos' u never know whether it'll come true, or it'll just go the other way round. i was lucky during Os. things went my way. but the As are so different from the Os. what if i really do not make it? i dunno what i'll do to my pathetic little life.

i just pray and hope while mugging like crazy and catching up that all the bad stuff don't happen. i want this too much.

i shall mug now. i want to be know as The Mugger. so say hi to jielin The Mugger. i used to hate muggers. but if mugging can actually help me score, why not? :)

sigh. im rambling on and on. gotta go back to maths. cant understand.

bless me.

whatever.

im just exasperated.

sometimes a little understanding and forgiving nature could help.

somethings are not what i want. somethings happen for reasons. some do not have any reasons ok. im frustrated, and yes, i admit, a little pissed. but so what? it's my fault what.

im sorry this had to happen. im sorry i broke my promise again, and i hate people to break promises so i have nothing to defend myself. but this all happened so fast i had no time to react. and i have to honour my statements too.

im tired already la. i don't live in this world to please people around me all the time. once in a while, i'll love to be pampered and understood too. sometimes, i wish i can be forgiven for things that i didnt meant them to be.

but sometimes, it's not my calling.

im just reallly sorry. i hope this will not happen again.

ouch.

oh yeas, this dumb chilli crab i was eating just now for dinner pierced the skin of my index finger and went into my finger. i had to pull it out. and it hurts. bled. and swollen now.

ouch. it hurts even to touch it. stupid cook. why never break the shell more. had to pull like shit before the shell would break apart. and when it DID broke apart, this sharp pointed thing on the crab pincer had to poke me. arghhhs.

hope it reduces swelling soon.

BAH. chilli crab still rocks.