fine, my limpeh is big.

today esl was...stressful.
i still don't have any research topic in mind, and it's damn bad.
but yea. time flew past in the computer lab.
then the 3 birds had mass conversation on msn.
-_- fucking lame. i couldn't help sniggering at some points. geez, must have looked really stupid.

went to RELC to collect meow's pay. HAHAHAHA.
oh mans, i really miss the people there! and they still remember us leh!
woooo.
hel also miss malcom right.
tsktsk.


went to bugis afterwards. collected the shoes and my pinochio! then got another top and a tee to go with that pinafore i got earlier for cny.
HAHAHA.
ok i'm so screwed.
sighs. i saw more converse shoes and i'm in love again. sian. if only i can one month buy one pair.
sneakers get me oh so high.

:)

but sneakers i like are not very cheap. so....suan le.

sometimes i wonder whether i buy on impulse.
which is really terrible.
haiz.
i think i gonna start disintegrating my clothes to reinvent them.
heh. and get a little feminism into me.
and my clothes. :)

wanted to get that blouse today lah.
haiz.
it's really nice. pity.

ok, i think i'm really weird now.
maybe it's just eclectism.
HAHAHAHA.
understated. british bird.



if only life could be like MCQs.

and my liver is so healthy i am actually proud of myself.
i miss the taste though.


i like myself.
it's contentment for now.
i think i look pretty decent.
asides from that limpeh.


:)



just because you think you can make me fall in love with you,
doesn't mean i can't do the same thing too.

cornybird.

ok so comms lesson today was stupid.
sent a few corny smses, pics and vids to someone.
at least it cheered him up lahs.

whole day damn slack.
still feeling slack.
i just wanna sleep.

okok nehneh i am very grateful.
tml i give you sparks ok.
esl is so early i hope i won't be late. =X


well, he smiled at me.


man oh man, abs, meow and me did another magic video. this is even more hilarious. HAHAHAHA! will find a way to post it up.

recently been feeling abit...mad.
i like the corny-ness around.
but there's hints of isolation coming about.


going bugis shopping with nehneh and liu gu. mans, i'm surrounded by niao people. HEHE.

i foresee a crappy day. :)

rollerbladed abit today.
i feel squirmish.
i feel like something is gonna plop down on me.
it better be something good with no terms and conditions.

sudden, random thoughts.

out of nowhere, i just wanted to blade and cycle so damn badly again.
i think i shall get my ass down to a park this weekend.
or not my blades will grow mould again and shatter into pieces when i touch it. and for a pair of $200 bucks blades, i think i wouldn't wanna risk it.
-_-


i realised why i love kids again.
and fuck, i raised my voice to get myself heard over the voices of 10 kids until...i'm basically quite hoarse now.
which is bad. stupid beng. sexy your HEAD.
knn.
and i got pimple outbreak, which can only mean 2 things.


i'm so fuck tired again my eyes are closing. so i shall make myself tireder and plonk to bed in a few minutes.
i think i have work awaiting and i plan to get most done before sunday. god save me, i wanna sleep and slack on sunday. my salvation.

i've got my company.
but i still need mr. stranger.
i think i shall be thick-skin and approach a random guy in the lounge tml during break. fuck lah, not like never do before.
must be secret agent, cannot let my motives me known, or not purpose defeated mans.
either that, or last resort--robot.
NO, NEVER THE CHINAMAN YOU STUPID ABBY CHAN.


or mr. wrong lift guy.


=(

mind games are fucked.
i'm clean.
i intend to stay clean.

i think i'm androgynous.
HAHAHAHAHA.
which is pretty sad, thinking about it. oh wells, i guess that's me.

traits of male and female indeed.


and i think i have self-discipline man.
i'm so proud of myself.
i think as i grow older i know how to prioritise better, which is a good thing, i insist.
:)
wo zhang da le.


i'm awaiting cny so that i can wear my new clothes and...shoes, and well, claim money for them. cos' if i wear them now, no reimbursement mans.
:)

and i wonder what my relatives will say this year.
if it could be "ni bian mei le!"
or...something good at least, other than i am older, im happy.
but i think closeness of relatives is so diminished now.
it's pretty sad. family life is close to zilch.

sighsighsigh.
i think someone should drag me away from...funky shoes.
because i have a feeling i might become those shopaholic, who specialises in shoe fetishes.
and i might become bankrupt.

after painstakingly clearing my debts entirely, i intend to stay this way.
-beams.
must start cny with a clean slate mans.

i've discovered a pretty birdy expression to make involving my teeth. it's REALLY unglam, but it seems to crack people up.
and i like to see people laugh and be tickled.
so it's good.
:)
happiness is infectious.

i think people think i'm weird.
i think random people who see me might think singapore is a winter country.
HAHAHAHAH.
oh wells, my body temp. abit low eh.
i can stand the heat, but i cannot stand the cold.

i think my pride saves me as well as killed me.
i intend to keep it on the brighter side.


did a magic video today with ab the director.
mans, i'm pro.
okok, housewife also pro.

it's cmi lame.
and i like mr. sunny.
he makes me smile.

perceived self vs presenting self.
i think i use different voices with different people and occasions.
different personalities with different groups.
so what you see of me may not be entirely accurate, but simply what i seem to be most appropriate when i am with you.
so if i'm stiff and seldom smile when i'm with you, perhaps i don't find you interesting enough.
when i laugh or go crazy and birdy with you, trust me--i like you.
when i confide in you, i trust you.
when i stop confiding in you, i lose faith and trust in you.
when i ignore you...pretty obvious.
my heart says one thing, but i will do another thing.
somehow, someway, i will make both coincide and agree eventually.

large repertoire of behaviours to choose from.
am i competent enough?
perhaps i still need fine-tuning, because i feel that i've been misunderstood at times.

just don't bother me when i'm alone studying in school. because when i do that, it only means that i don't have time later in the day to do it.
other than that, peace mans.
i'm all game for love and fun and getting high.
with limits lah, and preference.

speaking of which, i miss alcohol.
the one month quit policy is over. and going strong still!
woots.
cny ok, i will drnik. :)
let's keep those fats in reign first.

woo. i'm thinking of the sexy warm sun on my skin.
and i miss sports all over again.

OD on comm.

seriously. i think my mind is screwed up communication every week.
i don't know how exactly to perceive others anymore.
because i don't know what i am doing is right or wrong, or perhaps it might not be my fault at all and i'm dying to disect what the fuck people are thinking half the time.

like how people who refuse to take perspectives of others.
or over-generalisations and FAULTY-generalisations.
it's flying all over.
so, perhaps most singaporean girls are slim, but i am not affected to WANT to look like them.

my point stays that i am trying to fit into nice clothes without my tummy being squashed.
AND I HAVE A TUMMY.
fuckers. must i flash my tummy so that they will believe?
i just know how to hide it ok.
having skinny limbs=/=skinny.
pissed.
i never said i'm not slim.
i merely said i hate my tummy.
it's two different issues.

and i'm not killing myself while trying to reduce that fucked-up tummy.
i'm still eating--like a pig actually.
i don't deprive myself of good food from restaurants.


working harder than most doesn't mean that i am a mugger or nerd.
can't you see the underlying reasons?
lack of time.
having to work while the rest don't have to?
sighs. forget it.
maybe i just strive to achieve partial perfection.
it's in my nature.
and yes, competitiveness does produce better results.
but not kiasu-ism.
or selfishness.
when others need help, you offer without any motives.
basic motto.

argh. i'm just venting.
don't care.
i go watch tv liao.
i'm just looking forward to friday mans.
breakkkkk.

woshiyizhixiaoxiaoNIAOOO.

ok random cheena song from way back. really tired.
somehow, i was known for being the PIG in sec school and jc, but now, i'm effectively a bird.

or anything related to bird has my stamp on it. GREAT.

now worldwide disaster--bird flu. my fault.
i'm sorry.


and then housewife and i were on the topic of V during maths.
pretty sad. i wonder how many are out there, STILL.
and losing it.
who? worthiness? perceptions, perceptions.
values, up-bringing and instilled morals since young and from those around us.

i think it stands at less than 30 for the entire course.
rough estimate, not that it matters.

and wj made me lose faith in men again.
HAHAHAHA.
damn, the way he said it. and i wonder the truth behind it all.
verified?
i just want a simple, romantic love for now.
which i shall attempt to find with..erm...celebrities that are unreachables.
like *cough* lionel *cough* ljj *cough* elvin ng *cough* hugh grant *cough*

HAHAHAH. at least i don't like LIU GU dream of some zhang yang dong.
really debut of: YING XIONG JIU CHINA WOMAN.

i'm really breaking under all the time constraints and pressure.
i'm becoming *GASP* boring.
see, i appear to be this really nerdy student who pias her textbooks as much as she can in school. i'm dying to be released.
fuck, can it?
fuck it. NO.
so, study lor.
knn no time like others. just grab every single chance to study.
-sighs. and there's still work during CNY. GREAT. really. just my type of holiday.

i wonder if this is a test of my guts and strength, or merely fate playing me out.
either way, i have no choice right?


yes, i still think my tummy is fat.
yes, i'm stil trying to reduce it.
-shrugs.
it's just a personal goal to look better and feel better about myself.
i cannot freaking feel good when i'm gonna suffocate under layers of my own fat.
really, like THREE FREAKING LAYERS OF SANDWICH FAT.
ultimate.
must slowly delete one by one. hahs.



suddenly i wanna eat baked beans.



because i thought my cries here unheard;
the fact stands that they WERE heard.
simply ignored.
it's like the dull grey feathered birds preparing to take flight.
beauty in ignorance.
beauty in nonchalance.
a day so sunny can actually be perceived as gloomy.

sat-fucktired-day.

not that i fucked anything(no ab, not the 5 mistresses i have....DID YOU DO THE OTTOMANS? =D) or anyone(certainly not mr. lift) in particular.

i almost died. early morning tuition and extremely cool breeze almost blew me away to...god knows where. spain? (NOT CHINA, CONFIRM) i could barely move my limbs and drag myself from one destination to another, then attempt to pull myself together so i look barely alive to the students i teach and get them to behave like humans instead of animals in the zoo.

god, at least i didn't lose my sense of humour there. made some lame jokes and apparently really comical expressions to make them burst out laughing again. geez. don't test my patience you idiotic kid. one day, i will TAME you.

so i braved through 3/4 day of tuition, got a ride from wj to bukit batok area bus stop for 189 and plopped back home. refused to leave the house for dinner. attempted to study maths, failed badly, switched on the tv and fell aslp on the couch. then everyone came home. ate my dinner. poked. i feel fatter than ever. god save me from feeling like an aneroxic chick.

i forgot how the rest of sat night went by. more maths questions and doing differentiation until i my eyes were a blur. KO-ed on my bed until this noon 1pm? HAHAHAHAH. eh, cut me some slack ok. i'm really damn tired from the week.

ok, then....i did bugis shopping on friday. stupid nehneh mgq so long. knn i was around a group of indons who talked non-stop, nonetheless, in their national tongue. sighs. i would have loved to join their conversations. saw them talking econs. TO HELL WITH THAT. i can talk about it in the future. :)

broke, after bugis shopping. dammit. i really like alot of the new stuff they offer. it's much better than far east all-the-same-on-the-rack stuff. gosh. cny shopping i'll say. :)

apple strudel at ritz house after a tiring day was GOOD. one apple, one strawberry strudel. hehe. talked coked. mans, next week i wanna go back. items to collect.

=(

a havoc week ahead. 4 quizes. GREAT. i feel pressured to perform everyday in school. which isn't good. because i am expected to perform in tuition centre too. the parents are way too demanding. fucking stressed.

one class least number of kids i have is 4. i shall not even talk about the largest ok.
but money money. my sole source of income.
TOLERANCE.

liu gu, you are so funny.
hahahahaha.

"how many pairs of boots you have?"
"erm...2?"
"really meh? how come it seems like i saw more?"
"......."

i need fine-tuning too.

today i am relatively happy, better than last night.
i was so short-tempered i didn't even know the exact reason why.
geez. i hope i won't feel like this again mans.

-frowns-

longlong day. tireddddd.
let me whine. so everything was okkkk.
clockwork.

side note: sim toilets make me wanna slim down. IT'S SO FUCKING SQUEEZY CAN.

tuition was ok. did some maths in the freetime before tuition started. i love the centre's pantry!!! YAYYYY. hahahaha. i mean freeflow of milo drinks leh! what more can you ask for. gosh. i am growing fatssssss.

nownow, why am i talking like a bimbo?
it's so much easier to SEEM brainless.
:)
seeing the world in simple light makes one happier and easily contented.


mr lift was knn damn screwed up.
EH I THOUGHT I SUPERRRR SPECIFIC LIAO.
why got error one. haiz.
somemore TWO FOR ME TO CHOOSE. what is this. stupid ab.
SAY ONLY, LIFT DOOR OPEN DIAMOND STUD COME IN.
BUT IT'S NOT THAT ONE I WANT.

i'm damn sad ok.
china man vs random diamond guy.
can i don't choose both?
=(

suan ler. tml got hope see him again. woots! :)


peng. stupid meow and abs. STOP LAUGHING OK.
while i was suffering in the lift she was in tears--from laughing at me.
seriously, this world is.......UNFAIR!!!

hahahaha.

oh wells. today the kids were naughty. mans, but managed to control them lah. really cannot lax too much. sigh. and their spelling was horrendous. i'm making them do a retest. THREATEN SOMEMORE. they better all pass. knn i'm so pissed with a certain student. SERIOUSLY.

then again, i derive the pleasure from hearing them say BYEBYE TEACHER at the end of the lesson. ah, that childhood innocence.
makes me feel loved indeed. :)

u actually feel the heartache when my parents give me money without me asking. my mum tried to stuff another $10 into my hands the other day, but i refused.
gosh. i really think....i'm weird.
but really, i cannot bear the thought of them earning money with sweat and long hours and i just raise out my hand to take it. sure, they say u'll return them eventually. but i thin at 19 it's time i learn the hard truths about being independent and feeling poor.
let's just hope it's a passing phase.
let this be a lesson.

i don't want to anyhow spend money.
=(
i don't need anything expensive or fancy.
if i really want those, i'll earn the money and buy it myself.


sighs. my sis complained to my father that i didn't give her a present. i guess i better scout for it this fri or sat. super broke mans. knn.

im outta here. preserve energy. some stupid ESL summary to do. STUPID. i HATE summaries.


i'm scared. don't be so nice to me.
i'm scared. why are you ignoring me.
two people, two poles of emotions.