i've been told by someone that my blog is very dramatic and hypocritical.
hmmmm.
personally, i did not think it was.
an outlet of expression, that's all.
anyway, won't be updating anytime soon. crazily crammed week.
studying psychology at this point of time. FUCKING TIRED by eyes are closing. no time no time. arghhhh.
ugc reading and essay to be done.
cse assignments.
hurry up jielin!!
you know, i feel much better after the closure, just to give an update. no more depression or whatsoever. at least i know my direction quite clearly.
i've got so much to say, but i'll not risk it. people i don't like read these words of RUBBISH and then buey song me.
all's fine. coping with stress.
i just wished the teachers could stop piling us with so much work.
crazy semester indeed.
presentations to worry about.
dammit.
i miss those days.
but one insensitive word from you can ruin everything.
and remind me why i'm not with you.
remind me why i gave you up.
reminded me why you gave me up.
reminded me why we are not together.
reminded me how although the intensity we possess when together can work wonders, and at the same time create disasters for us.
how we hate each other's guts.
and this is so much like a love-hate relationship.
we don't want to care, but end up caring.
the irony of it all.
now mister XX, is this all dramatism and hypocritical stuff to you now?
neverending work, drowning me.
where is my life buoy?
and my fucking braces were tightened today.
hurts like a bitch.
not helping with an ulcer at the side of my lips.
the price i have to pay for beauty.
tmd tired.
i need a break.
where is it??????
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
car crash.
it's so funny, how he told me that i crossed the road without checking for oncoming cars.
how i almost got knocked down, but he called out to me in time to make me notice that car.
i didn't notice at all.
neither did it ruffle at feather of mine.
i couldn't fucking feel anything.
is this how it'll be like?
i want to feel other emotions.
enough of pain, enough of sadness, enough of resignment.
enough of anger at you, enough of the feeling os used.
enough of being suppressed.
enough of being that girl i always dreaded to become.
again, the tears took me by surprise. this time, it had an audience.
it just came. one drop, then the torrent.
i tried so hard...to hold it back.
but those words..resounded still, even when i told myself to ignore them.
why to be bothered over hurtful words, when he couldn't be bothered about the consequences of his actions and words.
i said fucking how many times DON'T FUCKING CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
what kind of screwed up logic is it to call someone just as she is falling asleep. then tell her all that hopeful stuff on your mind, things she wanted to hear.
run to the bathroom to vomit halfway.
then return to the phone only to tell her not to remember anything he just said, because it doesn't matter, or mean anything.
then hang up.
WHAT KINDA LOGIC IS THAT, YOU TELL ME???
i gave you another chance today morning.
redemption.
you failed.
it's over.
the one and only answer to that question bugging me for one week.
it's closure.
i need it so badly, desperately.
so i declare, the official road to healing.
no more hopes.
no more faith.
no more dreams.
it's over.
the car crashed.
the mistake, snowballed.
now, it's finally stopped rolling on and on.
after forever, the mistake ended.
i kept my promise till the end.
when two strong personalities come together, is cohesion possible?
or do we just need the opposites in characters of one another?
it's a break for now.
i'm....surprisingly exhausted.
because i never once stopped charging...
life's definitely been harsh.
but it'll get better-
that's what they all say.
luke's words: better late than never. at least be glad it happened now, instead of years down the road. you've learnt from this. remember the good times, and use those bad memories to keep you on track. when the pain comes, don't mistake it for regret. it's just a lapse of strength. good songs all come to an end. you simply have to wait for the next good song..whenever it comes.
what hurts the most,
is being so close..
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.
and loving you-
was all i've been trying to do.
but at some point or another, i have to stop. before i forgot what's it like to live without pain in my life.
how i almost got knocked down, but he called out to me in time to make me notice that car.
i didn't notice at all.
neither did it ruffle at feather of mine.
i couldn't fucking feel anything.
is this how it'll be like?
i want to feel other emotions.
enough of pain, enough of sadness, enough of resignment.
enough of anger at you, enough of the feeling os used.
enough of being suppressed.
enough of being that girl i always dreaded to become.
again, the tears took me by surprise. this time, it had an audience.
it just came. one drop, then the torrent.
i tried so hard...to hold it back.
but those words..resounded still, even when i told myself to ignore them.
why to be bothered over hurtful words, when he couldn't be bothered about the consequences of his actions and words.
i said fucking how many times DON'T FUCKING CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
what kind of screwed up logic is it to call someone just as she is falling asleep. then tell her all that hopeful stuff on your mind, things she wanted to hear.
run to the bathroom to vomit halfway.
then return to the phone only to tell her not to remember anything he just said, because it doesn't matter, or mean anything.
then hang up.
WHAT KINDA LOGIC IS THAT, YOU TELL ME???
i gave you another chance today morning.
redemption.
you failed.
it's over.
the one and only answer to that question bugging me for one week.
it's closure.
i need it so badly, desperately.
so i declare, the official road to healing.
no more hopes.
no more faith.
no more dreams.
it's over.
the car crashed.
the mistake, snowballed.
now, it's finally stopped rolling on and on.
after forever, the mistake ended.
i kept my promise till the end.
when two strong personalities come together, is cohesion possible?
or do we just need the opposites in characters of one another?
it's a break for now.
i'm....surprisingly exhausted.
because i never once stopped charging...
life's definitely been harsh.
but it'll get better-
that's what they all say.
luke's words: better late than never. at least be glad it happened now, instead of years down the road. you've learnt from this. remember the good times, and use those bad memories to keep you on track. when the pain comes, don't mistake it for regret. it's just a lapse of strength. good songs all come to an end. you simply have to wait for the next good song..whenever it comes.
what hurts the most,
is being so close..
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.
and loving you-
was all i've been trying to do.
but at some point or another, i have to stop. before i forgot what's it like to live without pain in my life.
flashing lights speeding.
she stood on the road divider-
in between two lanes of the main road.
cars whizzed by,
their engines roaring.
the gravel burning.
the lights flashing-
blinding her,
further.
how much more can she be blinded?
why, standing there, she actually enjoyed that sense of loneliness.
separation, isolationism.
untouchable.
danger and safety.
coexistance of opposites.
is it possible?
or mere temporary utopia?
what else binds them together?
do opposites attract opposites?
oh how i wish i could think less.
because apparently you don't give a fuck, do you?
i wish i could detect a hint of something within that conversation.
i couldn't.
were you hiding too?
a peaceful conversation.
so long, since the last.
so,
she wished she could stand there forever.
let the emotions just flow.
in opposite directions.
tugging her here, then there.
cars going north on her left,
and them gong south on the right.
moving, speeding;
too fast to notice that shadow on the raised divider.
insignificance.
erase?
retain?
where are you, when i need you?
always.
in between two lanes of the main road.
cars whizzed by,
their engines roaring.
the gravel burning.
the lights flashing-
blinding her,
further.
how much more can she be blinded?
why, standing there, she actually enjoyed that sense of loneliness.
separation, isolationism.
untouchable.
danger and safety.
coexistance of opposites.
is it possible?
or mere temporary utopia?
what else binds them together?
do opposites attract opposites?
oh how i wish i could think less.
because apparently you don't give a fuck, do you?
i wish i could detect a hint of something within that conversation.
i couldn't.
were you hiding too?
a peaceful conversation.
so long, since the last.
so,
she wished she could stand there forever.
let the emotions just flow.
in opposite directions.
tugging her here, then there.
cars going north on her left,
and them gong south on the right.
moving, speeding;
too fast to notice that shadow on the raised divider.
insignificance.
erase?
retain?
where are you, when i need you?
always.
winter warmth.
u brought warmth in winter.
the unexpected, uncomprehended.
the surprise, or shock?
the thumping heart, the flashing lights.
the steadying of voice.
the shiver of fingers.
the words that were exchanged, the emotions held back.
all for my own good.
why would i want myself to be hurt again?
your words. expressed nothing short of positivity.
outsiders-
convinced i should give up already.
so why, do i still hold on that subtly?
i don't find this courage to love you anymore.
i find it close to stupidity. foolishness. ignorance. blindness.
if only you showed me more than nonchalance.
showed me more than the rest.
i'm like that muppet, controlled by its owner.
who is going to cut those strings for me?
the loyalty--misplaced?
willing? too much.
this conflict.
i wonder when it'll be resolved.
it IS taking a toll on me.
i wish things could just flow smoothly, that you could just do things the way i want them to happen. be the man i would love, and love me all your heart. that it'll be just another fairytale story.
but fairytales never exist.
so i guess this equates to IT never being able to happen.
HA.
who am i lying to, man.
living in self-deceit i feel.
hurting people around me in the process.
unknowingly, unintentionally.
i do things and say things to protect you. not now, but for the future. to minimise your hurt and your pain.
why not now, instead of dragging it on till it becomes too late.
i hope you understand.
anyway, celebration for KL was good. hahaha. though i didn't really know that group of friends, but it was nice to just hang out with friendly and noisy people. took my mind off things certainly. heh.
and times are mind cafe in the afternoon was entertainment filled. =) love those peeps man. heh. missed them hell much.
anyway, congrats to my 80 year old friend and chip! hehe. CHUNK AND CHIP are finally together!!! *grins* jiayou ya you two. and chip, you better take care of my darling chunk. placing her under your care liao..=) treat her well.
proves the accuracy of the curse between us yet again. sigh.
i guess this would mean i might have to be a nun already. ha.
you get the message right.
i just cannot seem to break this fucking dumb curse.
=(
lurking shadows.
ghosts of you and me.
the unexpected, uncomprehended.
the surprise, or shock?
the thumping heart, the flashing lights.
the steadying of voice.
the shiver of fingers.
the words that were exchanged, the emotions held back.
all for my own good.
why would i want myself to be hurt again?
your words. expressed nothing short of positivity.
outsiders-
convinced i should give up already.
so why, do i still hold on that subtly?
i don't find this courage to love you anymore.
i find it close to stupidity. foolishness. ignorance. blindness.
if only you showed me more than nonchalance.
showed me more than the rest.
i'm like that muppet, controlled by its owner.
who is going to cut those strings for me?
the loyalty--misplaced?
willing? too much.
this conflict.
i wonder when it'll be resolved.
it IS taking a toll on me.
i wish things could just flow smoothly, that you could just do things the way i want them to happen. be the man i would love, and love me all your heart. that it'll be just another fairytale story.
but fairytales never exist.
so i guess this equates to IT never being able to happen.
HA.
who am i lying to, man.
living in self-deceit i feel.
hurting people around me in the process.
unknowingly, unintentionally.
i do things and say things to protect you. not now, but for the future. to minimise your hurt and your pain.
why not now, instead of dragging it on till it becomes too late.
i hope you understand.
anyway, celebration for KL was good. hahaha. though i didn't really know that group of friends, but it was nice to just hang out with friendly and noisy people. took my mind off things certainly. heh.
and times are mind cafe in the afternoon was entertainment filled. =) love those peeps man. heh. missed them hell much.
anyway, congrats to my 80 year old friend and chip! hehe. CHUNK AND CHIP are finally together!!! *grins* jiayou ya you two. and chip, you better take care of my darling chunk. placing her under your care liao..=) treat her well.
proves the accuracy of the curse between us yet again. sigh.
i guess this would mean i might have to be a nun already. ha.
you get the message right.
i just cannot seem to break this fucking dumb curse.
=(
lurking shadows.
ghosts of you and me.
Friday, November 03, 2006
it's summertime, and it's raining.
my entries seem to repeat themselves over and over again.
---
heard somethings today, not exactly pleasant, but not entirely something i should bother about either.
what's my reaction? my stand?
i cannot please the entire world, and if they choose to believe that of me, and choose to have the mindset that i am bad/influenced due to some people, then i really cannot change these mindsets. really.
i'm tired of trying to be nice and all, when all i get in return is ultra-bitchy behaviour. i will not return such behaviour because i think it's all high-school drama and immaturity. i'm sick of these thoughts of "we-are-supposed-to-be-one-group" kind of thing. there is no such thing as UNASSUMED ONENESS. and there is no such thing as EXCLUSIVENESS or EXCLUSION.
bullshit. no one is stopping them from having fun. no one is leaving them out of the fun. but having fun is about releasing all; forgoing all rigid thoughts and assumptions, and open up to new challenges and ideas.
are you able to do it? are you able to NOT judge so quickly? are you able NOT to gossip behind people's backs? are you able to see the bigger picture and step out from your constrained little world? are you able to open up to new people? people we've prolly never hung out with before?
life's about experimentation. life's about meeting new people, all walks of life, experiences, learning, emotions, fun, thrill, excitements. because we are only young once. study hard, play hard?
know how to phrase yourself well, express yourself appropriately, and you might actually have more friends.
because of the insecurity and fear of incurring more misunderstandings, i've given up trying to maintain a conversation. i've tried to keep my distance, less interaction=less conflicts, right?
i did not provoke you, but you had to do this. YOU JUST HAD TO. you, and you.
all this high school drama, just stop it already.
i'm not going to take action, because it's just a waste of time, and i've grown up.
i choose my friends, i choose who i want in my life. and if apparently we are not running on the same frequency...forget it.
why make everyone upset?
the voice in my heart, tell me i should hate you. but i hate myself instead.
the tears caught me unaware. warm, they trickled down.
the second occasion since sunday.
i tried to stop them from falling. those droplets of crystals.
the pain, all released as they fell, alongside the crystals.
then, as quickly as it came, it stopped.
but-
why is the pain still there?
when will to go away?
when will it stop torturing me?
why me?
does it even seek you?
how can i be surrounded by people who care, yet feel all alone when you dominate my mind.
how can i feel so contented one moment, then feel used and shittiness the next moment.
you-
make me feel...worthless.
so many questions, unanswered.
will remain answerless.
question-ful?
ha.
i just wish, that day will come when i can go by a day without a single thought of you. cos' the image of you, us, only bring the sense of loss. the sense of failed salvation. the feeling of insult, and unimportance.
trapped and bound.
escapism?
warm and saltish, they reminded me of my pain.
they reminded me of you.
what reminds you of me?
i am your past.
you are my present.
i don't want this to be my future.
lost, unguided; blinded.
courage to love? or plain stupidity?
------
thanks to alex and abby and hel for accompanying me on my lonely friday evening. got my black peas back.
=)
i'm sorry for the sudden change in moods...i guess i'll never be alright.
time...is all i need.
a lot of time.
until you stop lingering inside me.
until my heart stops yearning for you.
until my mind stops thinking of you.
until you become my past.
until it's summertime, and it doesn't rain no more.
---
heard somethings today, not exactly pleasant, but not entirely something i should bother about either.
what's my reaction? my stand?
i cannot please the entire world, and if they choose to believe that of me, and choose to have the mindset that i am bad/influenced due to some people, then i really cannot change these mindsets. really.
i'm tired of trying to be nice and all, when all i get in return is ultra-bitchy behaviour. i will not return such behaviour because i think it's all high-school drama and immaturity. i'm sick of these thoughts of "we-are-supposed-to-be-one-group" kind of thing. there is no such thing as UNASSUMED ONENESS. and there is no such thing as EXCLUSIVENESS or EXCLUSION.
bullshit. no one is stopping them from having fun. no one is leaving them out of the fun. but having fun is about releasing all; forgoing all rigid thoughts and assumptions, and open up to new challenges and ideas.
are you able to do it? are you able to NOT judge so quickly? are you able NOT to gossip behind people's backs? are you able to see the bigger picture and step out from your constrained little world? are you able to open up to new people? people we've prolly never hung out with before?
life's about experimentation. life's about meeting new people, all walks of life, experiences, learning, emotions, fun, thrill, excitements. because we are only young once. study hard, play hard?
know how to phrase yourself well, express yourself appropriately, and you might actually have more friends.
because of the insecurity and fear of incurring more misunderstandings, i've given up trying to maintain a conversation. i've tried to keep my distance, less interaction=less conflicts, right?
i did not provoke you, but you had to do this. YOU JUST HAD TO. you, and you.
all this high school drama, just stop it already.
i'm not going to take action, because it's just a waste of time, and i've grown up.
i choose my friends, i choose who i want in my life. and if apparently we are not running on the same frequency...forget it.
why make everyone upset?
the voice in my heart, tell me i should hate you. but i hate myself instead.
the tears caught me unaware. warm, they trickled down.
the second occasion since sunday.
i tried to stop them from falling. those droplets of crystals.
the pain, all released as they fell, alongside the crystals.
then, as quickly as it came, it stopped.
but-
why is the pain still there?
when will to go away?
when will it stop torturing me?
why me?
does it even seek you?
how can i be surrounded by people who care, yet feel all alone when you dominate my mind.
how can i feel so contented one moment, then feel used and shittiness the next moment.
you-
make me feel...worthless.
so many questions, unanswered.
will remain answerless.
question-ful?
ha.
i just wish, that day will come when i can go by a day without a single thought of you. cos' the image of you, us, only bring the sense of loss. the sense of failed salvation. the feeling of insult, and unimportance.
trapped and bound.
escapism?
warm and saltish, they reminded me of my pain.
they reminded me of you.
what reminds you of me?
i am your past.
you are my present.
i don't want this to be my future.
lost, unguided; blinded.
courage to love? or plain stupidity?
------
thanks to alex and abby and hel for accompanying me on my lonely friday evening. got my black peas back.
=)
i'm sorry for the sudden change in moods...i guess i'll never be alright.
time...is all i need.
a lot of time.
until you stop lingering inside me.
until my heart stops yearning for you.
until my mind stops thinking of you.
until you become my past.
until it's summertime, and it doesn't rain no more.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
somehow, just brainwash me.
because i feel like crumpling already.
i try so hard to be strong.
they say it gets easier.
i know it'll get easier.
but why can't i just skip this part?
it's so fucking hard not to think when you cannot seem to control your mind.
so i let it conquer me.
i collapsed.
inside and outside.
no longer shining bright.
i need a mask.
something that can allow me to hide better.
until this time passes.
until i heal.
because i fucking want to break down everytime you enter my world of thoughts.
and i have to hide it from people around me.
it's so hard.
and you're not making it easier.
i cannot stop wondering what you are thinking.
how much i mean to you even?
am i just another tragic rebound story?
was i all along another toy for you?
why is it so easy for you to say those words and give up?
why can't i do the same too?
somehow, it never pays to be nice.
i'm lagging behind in my revision.
i could have finished by now. but i didn't.
but who to blame.
i'm just too fucking weak sometimes.
cannot say no.
cannot refuse.
so here i am, the product of my cumulative mistakes.
you are the fist thing i think about in the morning.
and the last before i fall asleep.
when will this stop?
i want it to stop.
because i know it's not reciprocated.
i want to stop feeling used and wasted.
i just want to be happy.
how many more chopsticks do i have to break?
i try so hard to be strong.
they say it gets easier.
i know it'll get easier.
but why can't i just skip this part?
it's so fucking hard not to think when you cannot seem to control your mind.
so i let it conquer me.
i collapsed.
inside and outside.
no longer shining bright.
i need a mask.
something that can allow me to hide better.
until this time passes.
until i heal.
because i fucking want to break down everytime you enter my world of thoughts.
and i have to hide it from people around me.
it's so hard.
and you're not making it easier.
i cannot stop wondering what you are thinking.
how much i mean to you even?
am i just another tragic rebound story?
was i all along another toy for you?
why is it so easy for you to say those words and give up?
why can't i do the same too?
somehow, it never pays to be nice.
i'm lagging behind in my revision.
i could have finished by now. but i didn't.
but who to blame.
i'm just too fucking weak sometimes.
cannot say no.
cannot refuse.
so here i am, the product of my cumulative mistakes.
you are the fist thing i think about in the morning.
and the last before i fall asleep.
when will this stop?
i want it to stop.
because i know it's not reciprocated.
i want to stop feeling used and wasted.
i just want to be happy.
how many more chopsticks do i have to break?
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
damn no link.
yesterday since like ages ago, i finally did crunches before falling asleep.
then very no link, i got awoken up(writhing in pain) due to a leg cramp. WTF!
cramp also should be in my abdominal area right????
wah biang. hahahah. nevermind.
healing is taking it's own sweet time.
but patience is the key, right?
i tried to ignore the familiarity.
the pain. i tried to ignore the nagging feeling.
breaking the habit is difficult.
but i must. because...you no longer love me.
it hurts. it really does. it's so much easier to pretend that nothing has happened. to always compromise. but are things supposed to be this way?
all good songs come to an end. maybe i'll just have to wait for another song to start playing..whereever it is.
type.
which?
i know how you cannot just stop pain from existing. similarly, you cannot just stop missing someone, or even thinking the teeniest wee bit about that someone. especially if that certain person means alot to you. sigh.
but it's life.
they all say time heals wounds.
i just gotta be strong, with support from friends too.
time better fucking heal mine.
or not give me better luck in such things.
HA.
i'm tweet.
-flaps wings-
somehow, everything felt good. felt right.
if only things could remain this way, or better yet, progress forward smoothly.
cse is so fucking tiring. kills me everytime to check javascript for mistakes. my eyes can reallyyyy pop out. tmd.
but at least i understand a wee bit. thankful actually. =)
now it's ugc test on friday along with reading quiz(WTF IS CAUSE AND EFFECT? GOT WAD KINDS? DIE LIAO.) and then my essay outline due on friday too. i hate thursdays and fridays. always no sleep one. sian.
go off liao.
music is my remedy.
i need you.
but maybe i don't.
just have to start being independent again.
when the sight of something that originally brings you happiness, actually gives rise to sadness, you know it's...gone.
then very no link, i got awoken up(writhing in pain) due to a leg cramp. WTF!
cramp also should be in my abdominal area right????
wah biang. hahahah. nevermind.
healing is taking it's own sweet time.
but patience is the key, right?
i tried to ignore the familiarity.
the pain. i tried to ignore the nagging feeling.
breaking the habit is difficult.
but i must. because...you no longer love me.
it hurts. it really does. it's so much easier to pretend that nothing has happened. to always compromise. but are things supposed to be this way?
all good songs come to an end. maybe i'll just have to wait for another song to start playing..whereever it is.
type.
which?
i know how you cannot just stop pain from existing. similarly, you cannot just stop missing someone, or even thinking the teeniest wee bit about that someone. especially if that certain person means alot to you. sigh.
but it's life.
they all say time heals wounds.
i just gotta be strong, with support from friends too.
time better fucking heal mine.
or not give me better luck in such things.
HA.
i'm tweet.
-flaps wings-
somehow, everything felt good. felt right.
if only things could remain this way, or better yet, progress forward smoothly.
cse is so fucking tiring. kills me everytime to check javascript for mistakes. my eyes can reallyyyy pop out. tmd.
but at least i understand a wee bit. thankful actually. =)
now it's ugc test on friday along with reading quiz(WTF IS CAUSE AND EFFECT? GOT WAD KINDS? DIE LIAO.) and then my essay outline due on friday too. i hate thursdays and fridays. always no sleep one. sian.
go off liao.
music is my remedy.
i need you.
but maybe i don't.
just have to start being independent again.
when the sight of something that originally brings you happiness, actually gives rise to sadness, you know it's...gone.
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