musings at a foreign place.

sometimes, i never fail to be amazed at the extent of confusion i can be in.

whether i think too much.
whether it's a habit i cannot break.
whether it's the insecurity i cannot deny.
whether it's you.
or me.

i haven't learnt.
how some things come with the other.
how...somethings are not meant to be separated.
or how association works.



i have difficulty understanding the connection between things, people and concepts.
beliefs, faiths, relationships, life and infinity.

it tests my patience. my mind. my intellectual (if i ever do have).



it's so easy to lose my way.
lose my thoughts.
forgetting to control.
i must never let them run wild. that's what the book said.
subconsciously...
i've forgotten what really means.


ifeelwhatifeeltwoyearsago.

whether it's a good thing or not...i don't know.

suddenly i miss just being with me.
tell me it's not supposed to be so.
tell me i must and can move forward to find greater happiness and bliss and direction in life.



tell me things will go the way i want them to.
terms and conditions apply.

snooze.

okay, i'm really sleepy now because i slept 2 hours last night/this morning before heading to school for COM443 mid terms.

speaking of which, i left home 45minutes earlier. AND I REACHED ON THE DOT 9am. WTF. i ran up the stairs and i almost died panting. zzz.

i swear sometimes the buses here make me feel as though i live in woodlands. zzzz.



just some pictorial updates. lazy to upload pictures. even lazier to take pictures. really sorry if you're coming to my blog to see hot hot pics of my friends (not me i know) HAHA.

aye, square face. HAHA. the angle really sucks. but nevermind, i'm open to ugly pictures. so next time if i ever become chio then people will be shocked =D

note to self as usual: exams/projects period, take less pictures. because you tend to look shitty. zzz.

this picture is really funny lah! i mean minus my impossibly mini eyes cos' of my grinning, look at tunsong and johan! HAHAHAHA. pls lor. johan is camwhore also ok. and tunsong is just....tunsong.

seriously, after looking through all my pictures, I REALLY MUST CONTROL MY GIRN LAH everytime i grin until so happy. then cannot see my eyes already. AND MY EYES NOT SMALL LOR. wah lau, do my beautiful natural double-doe-eye-lidded eyes great injustice. HAHAHAHA.

this is like most decent out of the lot. zzz. weisi says i'm sunshine. HAHAHAHA. my smile can brighten up anybody's day? hmmmmmm.

nehnehpoks studying. this was like.......wednesday i think. LAST wednesday. wah, i'm lagging.

wtf. yea last wednesday. ANYWAY, today's test was crap. obviously i didn't manage to finish the 9 chapters. wtf. although i slept a pathetic 2 hours.

but i'm thankful that this amounts to prolly less than 10% of the grade. so even if i fuck it up ie. getting 80/100 for this COM443 midterms, i'm not THAT fucked up. zzz. yea, i'm consoling myself.

and yes, it's that bad. because i am not that smart after all. think got around 10 mistakes huh.

got back group assignment #2. did better than #1. still, we always fall short somewhere. -shrugs- but at least we are doing our best as a group.

i left the exam room LAST wtf. so sad. HAHAHAHA. obviously cos' i didn't study and i was killing myself thinking before i finally gave up.
had connect@6 group meeting. WHEEEE! HAHAHA damn funny ok all of us. today damn bitchy and talk cok because 90% of us were half-dead from the previous night.

laughed like mad. man, i love them. really. =D

they make group work so much better. AHAHAHA. and yea, they already know me and my crude ways. =D i mean..i had to suck back my shit and sit through the meeting lor. i'm so noble HAHAHAHAH. (private joke)

wednesday still. pf anf mz. pf looks kinda hot there. HAHAHAHAHA.



mz: don't take me don't take me!!!! -siam-

as usual. her hands tend to move faster than any other part of her body.

strawberry, then chocolate. i love milk.

from even wayyy back. i forgot the date. zzz.

and i've been webcaming despite feeling damn shit from studying.
I MISS YOU ABS. HAHAHA. lovelove.

see, as i chat to you i must do COM443 reflections. so sad huh. HAHAHA. ok this reminds me that i have reflection#3 due next week. zzz.

then fatbear! weets! can anybody see i'm wearing my GOMEZ tee from sajc? HAHAHAHA.

aye he try to open eyes big big. don't work leh fatbear.

woots.

i look like sadako here HEHE.


saturday was spent working tuition then VE. mr grumps was still mr. grumps. TSK! but i might not be working with him coming october! =( must fight with the forms alone. SIGH.

half-studying half-working. LOL. bo bian ah.

sunday was more studying alone at macs after morning breakfast/brunch with fatbear.



i realized we're both very busy people. HAHA. sigh. must work harder!

ok i'm really so tired my eyes are closing. zzz. but i really don't want to do work tonight.
tomorrow will be continue com443 project. then tuition.

looking forward to wednesday. double pay! out with fatbear! loveloveloveeee. (((:


oh, went bugis today for a short while. bought a tee/dress. and a cardigan. uber cute. but i feel that i'm growing out of bugis. zzz. sian.
and i realized i'm still as fat/flabby as ever. pissed.

byebye. continue to save money!

suicidal definitely.

i'll never finish tonight.
so dead.

first ever flunk?
no way.
LL, you must bless jielin with good luck please!!!!
=(((


i feel like screaming, stabbing, kicking, poking the shit oil out of bob.
ok, maybe i just want to cry right now.

feeling suicidal.

studying makes me suicidal.
maybe it's just me.

work in a few hours. then hopefully i can finish my textbook chapters.
HOPEFULLY.
hope is minimal right now.


and that darn reflection #2.
ROAR.

bob i hate you.



so unfair.
they get more time to study.
and their deadlines aren't so close together.
bob you suck.

thursday thank god.

it's finally end of thursday. and i'm 1 hour 22 min into friday.
i don't feel relief. i feel more stressed than ever.
com443 mid terms are on monday. 9 chapters to cover. no notes, no powerpoint slides. it's just textbook.

with an average of 30 pages per chapter. i think i'll never make it past this weekend alive.
work aside, i hardly have the time. even if i don't sleep.




suddenly i feel the severity of the situation.
i want to keep my head high, the belief and confidence strong, my gut and soul brave.
it just ain't so easy when things go against you.
i ask for a lot. and this semester i keep seeing my results fall short of those expectations.
the feeling sucks.
i still want my 3.85 gpa please.
LL, are you listening to my pleas?
sigh. i'm so close to being defeated and deflated again.




nana sent me tension's old school song titled "our story". it's bloody nice.
i recall how much i loved it back when i was in secondary school. (:



currently rocking my playlist: i'll be your sunset--a rocket to the moon.




school's passable because friends keep me alive.
LOL. crashed ugc211 class today to watch mz and gang present. HAHA.
HOW I KNOW SHE CALL ON ME. wtfff.
but it's ok lah. -eyebrows up down fast motion-
HAHAHAHAH.
so what do you, as a chinese national, feel about this?
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.



i still love you mz.




fatbear is my salvation. managed to get a few more pages of studying done.
whether they entered my brain is another thing. sigh.
bob lied. there's reflection #2 due on monday, the day of the exam.
i hate him. i really do.
i hate you. backstabber. =(




was late. suddenly felt very hungry.
supper-ed at nus's area near my house.
porridge with a few simple side dishes.
the company was good. the walk was short but good.
times with you may be simple, but they make me happy enough. (:



another long long day.
LL, please bless me with good luck!!!




back to the fucking bloody books.
please let everything i study enter my brain and be stored there till mid terms on monday whereby i can utilize the information learnt to the maximum.


so tired. yawn.
pictures another day.

i may not be truly pretty.
but i'm glad enough to be pretty in your eyes. (:

i hate school.

sometimes i lose focus so badly i forget why i'm in school. or why i'm taking these modules with lousy lecturer(s).

it gets so fucking distracting, frustrating and tormenting.


i really want to rant on and on about how i hate slowmo and her style of teaching, and feeling as though i'm throwing 1000+ bucks on that bitch learning NOTHING but how to talk slowly and bore the shit out of students.

i'm so fucking pissed i cannot even verbalize the hate.
doesn't help that i really like PR and she just made it so tormenting to listen and learn.
if i ever learn anything other than her reading off the slides in a speed of 10 words per minute.

DIE BITCH DIE.

becoming part of my staple. sigh.

see! drink strawberry milk and you'll look like me!!! erms, no milk doesn't give you boobs HAHAHA. hello my hair looks damn weird got one part sticking up HAHAHAHHA. wtf. i'm not rosemary or slowmo ok. today in class before presentation early in the morning. i can be a morning birdie too.wtf. almost died lah. plus the weather was so good for sleeping SIGH.

speaking of which, the presentation was fucked up. so bad i felt like we were standing out there on the range getting shot at by machine guns. zzzz. i hardly ever feel that. but...he does have relevant points here and there.

butttt, he did also misunderstand our presentation. and he had no prior in-depth knowledge of the product lor. he merely assumed that the product never changed since he was 8 years old till now. zzzz. fucking unfair.

sigh. great. i cannot wait to see the grade we get for this. fucking bloody awesome.

i hate school.

my oxford pumps. cheapcheapppp. bought like eons ago. but starting to wear recently mostly for presentation because my black kitten heels are so dead. HAHA. it's still relatively stable. but walking long distance? mai laiii. i don't wanna die yet.

besides, i tower over most guys at this mere height already. SIGH. i don't wanna look intimidating.

it was smart casual today because bob says we were noted for wearing formal when we didn't get to present. but he did comment that we still looked good as a group today. (:

sigh. but what we're lacking is structuring and filtering and synthesizing our information better. looks wise, we have it already. now it's down to the core. quote unquote bob.

i look like crap here. but it's because my eyes are closing. zzzz. and i miss my black nail polish. =(((((

trying to relief stress by taking pictures. =( weisi says i like to take so many pictures i should go be model for mags covers. HAHAHAH pls lor WHO WANNA HIRE ME. i mean, excluding those "before plastic surgery/slimming" magazines HAHAHAHAHA.

i forgot to bring my hairclips and i looked like a mad woman today. kept doing a middle-parting hair. damn ugly. zzz. and i need a haircuttttt. booooo. fringe too long.

ok this pic really sucks. HAHAH but it's the only full body shot. taken by weisi.

after talking with bob after class. then getting a better idea of what he wants. then discussing with group a little. minus a certain S who went missing after class GRRR. walked around the baazar with weisi while talking. sighhhh. i want to shoppp. but erm, no moolahs.

headed off home. emo on the bus. bad mood.

got my comfort food at clementi. chocolate waffles. bought some stuff from watsons. complained to fatbear. he called and chatted for a bit. felt better.



home finally.

ok. i don't really know what to blog. too much on my mind. too little time. no time.

sigh. tomorrow will be better.

tuesday.

ever since abs went over to UB, more than 1 person has asked me whether i miss her because she is not here.
-insert stunned onion emoticon-
wtf????

LOL. apparently all of them feel that we're like super close sistas HAHAHAHA damn funny can. ok lah, i do miss her. but she sure misses kandy more. HAHA.

i think today is make jielin happy day. HAHA.
weisi and pris says i'm skinny.
idiot no.2 says i've become da mei nu without my braces. no longer cute, but more pretty HAHA.
wah sehhh. heaven has been kind to me today. LOL.



slowmo's class was fucked up. got to do some peer evaluation thing. zz wtf. she sucks ok. YOU SEE THIS SLOWMO??? you're a fucking lousy lecturer who has successfully made me lose interest in a subject i am very keen on. zzz. hate you.

bob's class later. in like 8 hours. zzz. our ppt...scared and nervous. please love connect@6 works bobby darling. we're working so hard together. -prays- LL, i believe in you always. and i will continue to believe in you.

thank you for everything. (:

tuition for P. then met with monz and ed and fatbear for dinner at botak jones. UBER FULL. laughed a lot. talked with monz alone too, before the guys arrived. hah, i miss her loads ok. though i don't say it but i do miss her. ed has stolen her from me since long long ago HAHA.

cannot wait for tw trip. then we can share room and gossip HAHA! =D

thanks to you both, monz and chip for placing both fatbear and i together. somehow it worked. somehow you both have foresight HAHA. don't worry lah. meal is will treat one. HAHA.

parted ways after dinner.

dropped by VE to pass Hboss the keys when fatbear was updating his passbook for his mum. the new guy was there. chatted quite a bit with 2 of them plus this other customer who was at the counter. feels good. very long never anyhow talk cok.
i wonder how the new guy is like. he looks silly and very cute. HAHA. no, i don't like younger guys. from ngee ann leh, marshy!
his english sounds good. hmmm. but his name sounds from china.


walked home from clementi interchange. was too full to sit around. but the walk was damn tiring plus uber hot can!!! zzz. perspired like no one's business. HAHA. nua-ed around in clementi woods just randomly chatting. was good. (:

J called in the middle and started bitching about slowmo and bobby. HAHA i couldn't help but joined in the bitching for slowmo. hate her mansssss. ROARRRRR. slap her stupid hair with coconuts from hawaii.



today i felt like i am fatbear's princess.
he's probably all i can ever dream of, in a alternative shell. HAHA.
it's like...2 years of good karma all returning to me..slowly, sweetly, definitely.

like monz says: dont think so much. must have confidence in this!


and yes my dear 80 year old bond friend. i do hope the curse is finally broken.
i want us to be happy forever. (:


it's time to settle down.
i've got so much to do.
let me focus. i don't wanna lose the determined and ambitious jielin.
i want to fulfill all my dreams. terms and conditions apply.
------


i heard your heart beating today!
and i thought the snoring story was hilarious! =D
i still cannot look at you in the eye.
i squirm and i avoid.
cos' i'm shy like that. HAHA.

i could fall asleep in your arms any day.
i like the way you make me feel.
safe and loved and sincere.
i just hope this ain't gonna be a day or two.
but for as long as it takes.

fatbear is mine. =D

ok finally pictorial updates.

hello my fans out there. HAHAHA. finally no more 10 points today because i'm lazy and i took the pain to upload these lame ass pictures (mostly without my face. i know you guys are thanking god for that HAHA) so that you get visual stimulation. =D

been busy these few days. stressed mostly. AM STILL STRESSED. but that's because i ask for a lot out of myself. everything. i want the best. nevermind if i'll never be the best in certain things. but i'm sure i have my place up there and i will fight for it.

random day after school last week. ate lunch with nehnehpoks. was talking about some stuff. heh. fidgeting so i tied this thing with the plastic bag. at the end of the talk, the styrofoam box which was used to contain my rice and veggies had "disintegrated" because i was breaking it apart. yea, i know it's wrong to play with food stuff.

this is the packet of fruit loops sis gave me! YUMS. fruitloops are awesome because they provide visual PLEASURE with their cheery colors. and they are sweet, which is a dietary unfavorable food, but hell, i'm not THAT healthy sometimes. (:

as you can see, the bob's assignment below stresses me even as i prepare to devour them. zzzz.

-beams- give me fruitloops and i'm a happy girl. temporarily. sugar high. HAHAH.

another random day out with nanny. can't remember exactly when, though. the days are escaping me. time is flying past way too fast. sigh.

went to wcp for late celebration of mid-autumn festival wtf. HAHAHA. we must have looked weird playing with sparklers and candles and lanterns zzzz.

as you can tell, this angle was cleverly manipulated so that the heart shape actually looks "heart-ish" in shape. nanny has very very very bad aesthetic knowledge HAHAHAHA. which prolly explains why he'll like a girl like me. =D

sibei uneven lor! and he insists its heart can. dots. your heart bu ping heng.

candles are pretty. the flickering flame attracts me. i could stare at them all night long. but their life span is short. and the wax burns.

pretty things hurt.

bloody bloody HOT. i was perspiring in my tee and there was no FREAKING wind. i almost died. zzzz. luckily it was dark. cannot see my chui-ing face wtf. but i still look spastic standing there. zzz.

but sparklers remind me of that time ocip gathering for new year countdown HAHAHA. so much fun. aye i miss all of them. =(((

pretty. (:

more sparklers.

sometimes the sparklers scare me because they make really shrill whistling noises when lit and they shoot off in all directions. a bit too dynamic and unpredictable. zzz.

the damn out of place lanterns HAHA. so cheena looking zomg. anyway i lit one lantern with 4 candles in it and eventually it burned. wtf. i was freaking worried i'll burn down the entire wcp because the flames didnt seem to go away.

then this cyclist stopped by with a bottle of water and helped put it out. omg. i was really grateful. zzz. teaches you never to be too greedy and light too many candles. HAHAHA.



one day in school last week again to finish up PR assignment with nehnehpoks. that day killed me. and i looked so chui for the entire week taking pictures is OUT OF THE QUESTION. i don't wanna scare people.

i was fascinated with nehneh's computer screensaver wtf. it's bubbles bumping around the screen SIBEI COOL CAN wtf. HAHAHAH.

pretty bubbles ok. got color. looks real.

ah! i remember this because we had com443 group meeting on that day. met the fatbear after meeting for dinner and movie MIRRORS. geez.

i was starving and pretty much gobbled down everything. =S no image sio. and guess what? xinchee and gf were eating in same restaurant as us! we went our separate ways after project! omg what are the odds HAHAH.

anyway the movie was crap. i did mention that earlier on. =D

another of our project meetings held on sunday last week. sheesh. in suntec macs. thanks to fatbear who sent me down after i managed to complete the report, printing and binding. (: or not i would have been ridiculously late. zzz.

rough speech. zzz. altered. speaking of which. the presentation that was supposed to happen today didn't happen for my group and nehneh's inspirad due to lack of time.
postponed to wednesday. zzz. and the critique given today by bob was REALLY bad except for bazhang's group. sian man. seriously. i don't know how.

and i figured out most of our reports is screwed. like...uber screwed. SIAN. all the groups probably got the direction of the assignment misunderstood. =(

praying for the best. and do what we can for wednesday!!!! GO GO connect@6 works! (:

so i have a problem with figures still wtf. HAHAHAH abby chan no one to share my pain liao! how do you READ this number? HAHAHAHHA.

speaking of abs dear, i shall dedicate a small part to you. i wanted to do a romantic poem, but i realized i don't have much romanticism with you. HAHAHAH. the poem would probably revolve around 4am late night chats, weird kinds of sex objects, hua-ing characters, explicit flirting between both of us, arguing about our various affairs and recently, your room mate HAHAHAHA.

not very romantic huh? so yea...

just rest assured although i still have many loves in my life, you're part of them. go cry your eyes out at the school counselor and hope you get a new room. or not you really might go crazy. =( if you need to rant, im here. if you need a lighter for BBQ HAHAHA, i'll send one over. but please don't kill anyone ok. zzz.

nua-ing in macs.

omg WEISI IS SO CUTE CAN HAHAHAHAH. and today for presentation i was sitting next to her the entire lesson and i kept smelling her perfume. she says it's from HUGO boss and it's freaking gorgeous. i couldn't stop sniffing in her perfume. she smells like my mummy. (:

weisi, please be my girlfriend HAHAHAHAHHA.

shagged out face, after running so many places to do so many things. i looked worst by the time i met up with fatbear again. =(

helllo helllo. hello teeth! long time no see in this stress period. gonna get rarer! =S

missing the one in MANILA and xc who was in a job briefing. he came afterwards only.

left after discussion. headed back to clementi to get binding done but it was too late. met with the fatbear just because i felt like seeing him (omg how come i'm so mushy wtf) and we decided to head over to wcp just to get some fresh air and sit watching the waves.

felt less tensed at the end of the day. the waves are soothing. the wind was good. the night skies a tad bit too cloudy. but all was well. until the bXXgla next to us started singing on the top of his lungs.

wtf. and the songs he sang sound shittily tragic can. machiam someone dying or he just broke up with his gf. zzzz. and he sounded drunk. plus he smoked. stinked.

AHAHAHAHHA this pic was taken in macs after he insisted on getting something to eat around 10plus. omg lah. sofat. and ate nuggets meal 0.0 shits. HAHA.

but anyway the picture was hilarious BECAUSE can you see SOMEONE TRYING HIS BEST TO ENLARGE HIS EYES? HAHAHAH. shit ok sorry dear. nice lah huh. =D

but i still think we look weird in pictures.

see my face bigger than his lor. win already. wah lau eh. to counter this, i must not look fatter than him HAHAAH. so i'm forcing him to eat more. cos' seriously i eat more than him right now. wtf. i'm so sad.

i miss being around marshy cos' marshy eats like a monster and i feel so much better HAHAHAHHAH. i miss you dude!!! can 4 of us meet soon before i die from missing all 3 of you?

super sad can. i'm like forgotten. at least 3 of you got meet up. HAI.

in any sense, the fatbear says i know how to sa jiao OMFG??? serious? as in the tone of my voice contains some elements of that. sheesh. this is like...a wonderful discovery to me. but sa jiao works meh? zzz HAHAHA. i hope it does. =D

today after class. bob said he noted that we were dressed very nicely and he said we wouldn't have to wear so formal on wednesday. smart casual would be great. =D yayyy. i'm in love with connect@6 indefinitely. ((((:

meeting at the benches to settle the poster stuff. (: did i mention that we were one of the groups to be shortlisted as a potential SIM/UB poster for a talk? i'm proud of my group. really. we were really shocked when we heard bob say our name. zzz. like HUH???? we thought we stood no chance at all ok.

but we're very encouraged by that. shall continue to work hard to produce the best results. we must fight!!!

omg my big face. i must learn to grin less widely. this makes me look like a pancake. god. ain't weisi cute? =D
and my eyes are small. =(((
taken with weisi's omnia. wheee. clear right. also 5mp but hers is like clearer. she attributes it to my poor care of camera lens HAHAHA. wtf. win liao lor.

group mates. =D

hello hellooo. i have bunny ears.

a last pretty picture to end the picture series.

xoxo

these few days have been good with you around. you always try your best to cheer me up, and it rarely fails. you sincerely want me to be happy and i can feel it. you make me smile and grin at my handphone in the morning. your messages make me want to roll my eyes, yet they make me laugh.

you probably know you aren't my ideal, but you're part of it. and it seems to grow each day.

we belong to two different worlds, separate lives and souls who have met and are still understanding each other day to day. i feel like i'm giving lesser...and you give me everything you've got.

it's little acts like these that touch my heart time to time. without fail.

it's not that i refuse to give what i have, but more of like...needing to learn how to slowly let down my guard; allowing you into my heart and life. it's been 2 years. and i need to learn.

i need time. and i'm glad you understand that.

21st september 2008. 210908. 5am nonetheless.

not the most romantic. and not expected by me, at the very least.
what a sneaky trap. haha.
i didn't agree. but i didn't say no.
but i guess, it was a mini turning point.
and perhaps verbal agreement would have been redundant.
actions do speak louder than words.

and on that day itself, i've unknowingly let you turn the knob of the door.
the door into part of my heart.
i do hope this isn't a wrong step or choice.
and i'm gonna try my best.
(: