head spinned.

when i clicked it open, my head spinned once, twice, and my heart skipped a beat.
no way could i have been so lucky.

i had merely stumbled aross the advertisment online and i was planning to get a cam at sitex(which failed because i realised i have a severe lack of funds) so i was conveniently browsing all the websites and cam specs.
so i thought, hey, i have a few decent pictures. just gonna try and get them a little exposure. so i signed for flickr, and uploaded my miserly pics.

the next day--> refer to email.

zzzzzz. tell me it ain't a joke.

i sent in 3 pictures, nicely taken on the day we went haji lane.

the funny thing here was after i posted the pictures, this person added me as a contact(i'm an idiot to flickr). so i accepted. now she tells me she is manager of the contest. like WTFFFFF???!?!?!

well, i've got to send her my particulars soon. i think accomplishing this, assuming it's not a scam, is a pretty big deal to me. =) top 50 i also happy okkkk.

ha. my studies died. whoever who thinks i'm lying--go fuck yourself.

i wanna eat chilli crab, chocolate waffles, $1 ice-cream from the vendors, loads of gummy bears, SWEET AND SOUR PORK(super crave) and tiramisu (genuine ones please) cake.

bless me. thinking about it has made me fatter.

and i keep having stomachaches and shitting shitloads.
bad sign. please don't let me fall sick.

I WILL CONQUER THISSSS.
------
ps: i was daydreaming about mr dentist again. then i realised--ndc really alot of pretty lady dentists. ok i shall go die now. HAHAHAHA. (should have studied dentistry or something...can do my own braces plus...-GRINS-)

dead, so dead.

great, i totally don't have exam mood. wish me alot of luck. really chua sai.

i went dental today. and i had to wait quite long(although my pretty dentist thanked me for reaching early) for my turn.

note: it's my lucky day. i saw like 3 not bad guys. weet weet. HAHAHAH. all sit infront of me somemore. tskk. bio view.
all came earlier. but i left earlier. man, my appointments are damn efficient.


eh, so anyway, i was watching the tv play the ndc videotape thing. and they had all the faces of various employees working there.
the point was, I SAW MY EXTRACTION DENTIST. i'm damn sure it was him, although i was bloody scared when i had to extract 4 of my teeth for braces. zzz. because i saw him TWICE and because of his smiley eyes and grin.

DAMMIT IM A SUCKER FOR THAT GRIN. grrr. i will hunt him down. =((((

tmd in love with a dentist????? i never heard of it before. but i still rmb how gentle and kind he was. wheeee. =) -beams.

i love you mr. korean drama lookalike dentist. please bump into me for my next appointment and we can turn corner find love together. HAHAHAHAH.

byebye. im gna flunk my finals. i'm so excited.

it's over.

tml, it'll be officially over.
but he'll live on in our hearts forever.

it's comforting to see everyone after such a long time. really thinking back, it's been...1 year since there was an official gathering. sighs. time flies.

and it's made all of us realise the importance of being in contact all over again. shall set up the blogspace for ocip as soon as exams are over. then we can pop by with spare dates and such.

it was good to see long lost rv friends, and even people whom i never spoke to. i guess that was what connected us. lol. spoke to ALVIN for god's sake. i never talked to him in rv can!! and he was such a nice gentleman anyway (asides from stepping on my shoes). before he left for the night (he was going back overnight), he even came over to say goodbye. nice guy.

talked with many ocip people and caught up like hell lot. loves...
i still love them and miss them loads. really need to hang out more often.

shihjie was making fun of my nicely located pimples--one on each cheek. thanks mannn. HAHAHAH. i passed my powers to him, he will tio soon. =D
thomas is fine, still annoying at times, but that's him.
yonghe is stoned, but i guess i roughly know how he's feeling. that don't-talk-much bro. LOL.
it seems weird...lacking one...but i believe he was around with us...

the pictures reminded me of past memories again..(:

the loss of one, has brought together many. i'm sure that would have been what you wanted...(: i hope you have found your way...be happy there.

i wouldn't want to feel guilty for feeling happy. because i really want to be strong and live life twice as hard.
although i know i'm rather halfhearted now in my studies...but..yea...at least my friendship for many is not. it's thus my goal to regain those lost strings! (:

ayyeee. xmas party i hope from JOEL. LOL. the ride home with him was funny...short but really comforting.

now...perhaps it's time to try concentrating and do my best as weiqiang ahgong dictated. I CAN DO IT.
never study finish nevermind. DO YOUR BEST.

he says i have potential. so i must believe.

dental tml. sighs. bye.

the world keeps spinning;

it's so funny how when a life is robbed, the world continues spinning...except for those who lost that life.

with the loss of one, another is born. who can uphold such optimism in the loss of a loved one?
not for the time being...watching his parents so aggrieved...my heart tore apart...

As a friend, i already feel the hurt, the pain, the sudden loss. the disbelief. perhaps a little anger.
why...when such cruel jokes are played.

for 2 days, i told myself to never let my tears fall. because, i convinced myself, he left a deep impression in our lives, he was loved, he was a great gentleman, he was an avid sportsman, he was always happy. then today, as the news reported again, the tears fell like torrents.

when the memories came flooding back at me. it was too much to bear...for many of us i think.

he wasn't what the papers said..."little else was known of him".

although we weren't that close in rv...we got to know each other better in sajc. ocip days...i ran through the photos today...and my heart wrenched again.

when was the last time i saw him?
what were the last words he said to me?
how did his grin looked like?
what did we bicker about for fun?
why is everything now in the past tense?

i realised i've lost touch with so many people.
and it's funny, how the death of one can lead to the congregating...the gathering of many--once lost touched too.

everyone is tied to one string or another. what's yours?


santos raak. the big big family.


our house-building team. the bonds. the sweat and tears. the joy and laughter.


look! one house...


our wall. ournames. your name.


the guys crack me up. because seeing your grin makes me smile.

it is too late to regret...isn't it?

life goes on...the pain exists...but it'll fade, won't it?

what am i supposed to feel now?
should i be glad he has gone to a more peaceful place? should i be upset because i miss him?

the cycle...balance..where is the balance here?


on the truck we sit everyday, your grin joins ours and we make merry in the chilling wind.


on the friendship bridge..we took the picture in the sunset.


the guys...

why...i never really believed in any Gods. there is a Higher Power...but what's the reason? why? do i even have the right to feel like this? who am i to him? in my mind, he has always been my buddy, a good brother brother.



happy days, happy memories...


our memebership! (:


post ocip; concert outing...


and on the last day of school...were you the one who came jostling through the crowd and exclaim:"there you are! the rest of the brothers waiting for you to take picture!"

hahaha...i still remember so clearly...how touched i was to be included.

a tribute to you. for being such a wonderful friend. a great buddy and brother. for lighting up my days with your smile. for being such a gentleman.

i'm glad to have known you. you will be remembered by me always. by us.

i miss you. i hope you are happy where ever you are. do rest in peace.

may everyone be safe and sound.

it's time i start "re-finding" back all my lost friends...friendships should never grow cobwebs. never. unless you want to live in regret...

reflections on a sunday.

the loss of a friend never seemed so close. because i thought we were young, vibrant, energetic, filled with more days ahead. how would i know fate and destiny played a joke on these youngsters.

whether it was recklessness on their part, the bad weather, bad luck, or simply predestined, it was unfair. yes yes, what is fair in this world?

i hope you heard my words to you wz. once a brother, always a brother. santos raak.

to those who lost their loved ones too, i know it's impossible to say things to cheer you up. but everyone must be strong...live on for those who have lost. have faith that they impacted our lives in one way or another; brought us sunshine and love. where ever they are, they will find peace.

love those around you, be glad that you have friends surrounding you. treasure every single second, your family, your friends, everyone. don't wait till it's too late...to regret, to act, to hate, to love.

i love you guys, my friends. may not say it often, but yea...take care of yourselves.
don't let this hectic and alienating life consume you.
leave a little time out to spend with your beloved.
you never know what will happen the next second, day, month.
the clock is ticking.
------

went for sakae sushi dinner with family. it felt good. it's been...months since we went out together for a full meal.

spent my noon and evening finishing up the dumbass ugc. finally done. it's quite shitty, machiam everything dump inside and trying to make it cohesive. i think i failed. too tired to give a damn actually. PLEASE LET THE REST WRITE WORSE THAN ME SO I HAVE A CHANCE (yes i'm a selfish bitch). but let's have faith that selina loves me--hence will give me an A. MY LAST A for ugc211 please. =))))
2 days of ugc response paper writing is enough. becoming blind. time to start studying.....

for my finals. screwed pretty much. will try my best again.
GO JIELIN!!!!

/edit/
i apologise for my abrupt behavior these few days. i really don't feel like entertaining when i was struggling to make sense of fucked up and still fucked up ugc essay and juggling with all the bad news.
those who heard me out, thank you. those who sent me songs to relieve me, thanks too. to those i ignored, really sorry. i hope the days get better.

i'm so tired.
and i dont even have the time.


------

我也很想他.

i seek the release at the very end.
the promise of sunshine, laughter, eye-opening experiences.
to trot the globe, to see every inch of the world. my wish.
because if you tie me in one place, i will wither.

awaiting the reason still.
i just need that spark and a clue.


how time flies. i miss the good old days.

rest in peace where ever you are.

i wanted to believe that it wasn't you.
the same name, the same age, the same activity.
i wanted to deny. and i told myself: the picture wasn't you, so it couldn't be you.

i was afraid to find out.
but i had to today.

rest in peace where ever you are. i hope you'll be happy there.
know that we all miss you, and we love you.

------

who decides who lives and who goes?
who decides who is worthy?
why do things happen this way?
why do we often regret too late?

as much as i want to fight the unfairness, i am but another normal girl.
helpless, and with a heavy heart.

goodbye brother.

you-s.

to you: do you still think of me when you hear this song?

to you: do you still know what 13 means? what is my favourite number?

to you: do you remember how it all ended?

to you: i hope you've found your happiness.

to you: you exploited my trust, twisted my words, and lost my confidence in you.

to you: sometimes i'm twirling you, at times, you are turning me around in circles. temporary pleasures and comfort. when we do things we know there is no ending to, we are merely blind souls finding heal to our wounds. i wish you well.

to you: i hope you gain the courage to win her, to be with her, and to be happy. because you deserve it.

to you: you were too slow, and till now, i have no idea what runs through your mind. perhaps i was a passing individual, meaning nothing much. pity, because i would want to be your friend.

to you: do you still remember what cheers me up when i'm angry with you? do you still remember what i promised...and still kept till today?

to you: come talk to me! (:

------

i still have no reason.
perplexed.

CMC indeed.

heartstrings by secret garden--tragically haunting.

well, right now, although both my sister and i are IN THE SAME HOUSE, she is in the room and i am in the LIVINGroom. and we are conversing using MSN. when all that is separating us is a door. of cos' i'm lazy. HAHAHAHAH.

so today i stayed home since the cramps were killing me.
didn't get anything done DESPITE waking up uber early for a day i need not go school. MORNING ok. hahahah.

slacked around, starting deleting stuff from my laptop because it was just too crammed and all the projects were done anyway. +) wheeee.

watched yule, then watched whywhylove LAST episode ONLY. HAHAHAHA. just to see what's the ending. so fine, i cried like a baby. exercised my tear glands a bit. to toughen up for the week ahead.

i really think i'm going blind. i think my degree has shot up. sighs.

gonna get my ugc response STARTED. STOP PROCRASTINATING TEO JIELIN.
fucked. =(


WORK HARD! JIAYOU!!!! IT'S THE LAST SPRINT!!!!
-WAVES POMSPOMS-
GO GO GO JIELINNNNNN. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
TRY YOUR BEST IN EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!


ignore me. i'm feeling...blah.

tired and the tarzan swing.

having cramps now. hates. it's always like this on the first 2 days.
BAHHHHHH.

anyway, today was freaking tiring. the day wheezed by like...superman.

morning...woke up at 6am. got ready to leave the house when i received abs msg. then i stayed at home to print the 337 stuff for the presentation. oh mans. i was like trying to stuff the script on the bus lahhh. one hand holding the rails and balancing on the stupid squeezy bus, another holding the script. 0.0

but thank god the presentation went well. =) good job to everyone!!

317 got back presentation results and handed in portfolio. not that bad. =)
but seriously pissed by certain things, shall talk more later.

231 handed in portfolio, got back essay results. LIKE FUCK. pissed. i will do badly for this module for sure. like confirm plus chop. pissed.

ugc was presentation in which i was so exhausted i simply wanted to rot and die. but had to do weeny teeny bit of talking. =(

ugc quiz. ok. should be able to pass. despite not reading like 2 chapters.
the other group did really well for their presentation. humourously entertaining. selina was very happy with it i think. lol.

went to bugis to grab my boots/heels! loves. =)))) ok my legs are really fat. i need to work out. hate hate hateeeee.

ok i'm just fat overall. HATE. DIET PLEASE JIELIN.

bought my blue shorts. TMD SHORT YES. leggings here i come.
finally get to wash my "formal" jeans. lol. dirtysmellyshit.
no more presentations!!! whee.
actually i think so far my com231 is the only module which is doing REALLY badly. sighs. and i'm surprised at myself, because i'm supposed to be able to write well. but i cannot blame it on other factors. i did not do the referencing and biblio and she penalized me severely for it. fucked.

serves me right.

actually i don't really care if i enter/drop from the list. really. i just want to do well enough to feel proud of myself and my hard work. i want to feel my hard work REWARDED. and that i'm not wasting my parents' hard earned money.
sighs. people never understand.

------

two bitches offended me today, officially.
you want to play, i play along. you want to backstab, i backstab along. you want to start this war of claiming credit for what's NOT yours, i will accomodate.

even if you don't have brains, at least have a bit of integrity.
if you had brains, then i wonder what's it working for.
seriously.

i feel so furious to KNOW that the results we obtained would be what everyone would get. like. if the work load was evenly distributed, i wouldn't have given a damned. but IT WASN'T. and if you felt that you contributed productively AND actually stayed when you were asked to, excuse me, without pushing, then i have nothing to say.

i respected you and everyone by tolerating all the nonsense. i did not flare up AT ALL--not infront of you guys. unreasonable.

now we all know, don't we. once was enough. twice was torture.

excuses excuses. i hope you get what you deserve. good riddance.

-------

studying and obtaining the best results ain't everything. getting onto the list by hook or by crook, hurting others in the process is not the way to go. selfishness and lack of integrity when it comes to THIS THING is really getting on my nerves. worry not, i am NOT fighting for anything ok. i just prefer to deliver a decent presentation.

at least i know i am capable of doing so DECENTLY. not spectacularly, but decently. we all have room for improvements. i know what's mine. CAN YOU SEE WHAT IS YOURS?

turned off totally. i wish some people would reflect. and do some serious makeovers in their attitudes.


tired like fuck. time to start on my ugc response. this and take home biz comms exam left. then it's to hit the books. let my last essay be an A too. i need this. pressure me to work hard!!
------

oh, i wish you and you good luck. ahhh, at least part of my wish came true. no karma done.

byebye to all eye candies. end of lessons for sem. hahaha.
------

make or break my finals. i'm too tired to know how NOT feeling tired feels like.
understand?

there are so many aspects of me i wish to alter. listen to my pleas and grant my wishes, ll. thanks.

no pictures.

my blog lacks pictures, because everyone is so chui with dull skin and mz is too tired to even zi pai with my phone. LOL. so sorry.

met johan and pf at bugis to discuss ugc and complete the ppt stuff. crapppp. ended up in macs. froze my butt off can, the macs is like arctic region, i almost saw penguins shuffling around.

managed to get things done by 1pm. zzzz. then walked to bugis street for my shoes collection. but it was still a dead city. BOOOOO. didn't manage to get it. walked to simlim with jh to get this cable.

ENDED UP NEVER BUY COS' HE HAD NOT ENOUGH MONEY. zzzz. and when we were at the exit he suddenly said he wanna get something else. made me walk back, THEN he STOPPED AND THOUGHT IN MID STEP. and decided he didn't need his external speakers in that split second. ZZZZZZZZ.

a game of pacing back anf forth.

he went to ____ hotel to find his friend working there and i trudged through the shopping centre, SPOTTED NAVY BLUE TIGHTS in dorothy. shall get them tml. my laptop was too heavy.

stopped at tiong bahru to visit grandma and grandpa. the maid cooked maggi for me. yums. then i wanted to start work, BUT I FELL ASLEEP ON THE SOFA, AND THE LAPTOP ON MY LAP nonetheless. omfg. i woke up a few times because i heard my grandma's voice asking me if i was cold or something. but the heat from the laptop was enough...

i feel like i lack decades of sleep.

now it's time to conquer my ugc readings for quiz tml.
gonna meet the group at 730 in school to rehearse 337 presentation in which i've yet to see ppt nor scripts.
then its back to bugis to collect my shoes before its sold to other people. grrrrr.
oh, ugc presentation. FUCK.

friday, MUST GET RESPONSE PAPER DONE. NO TIME NO TIME. hates.

i'm taking 4 modules next semester. and i need someone to take ugc112 with me some other sem. the timing clashed with com modules this sem, so i can't take...sighs. i think i might have more time to work then. suddenly i feel so relax hearing 4 modules only. HAHAHAHA. but i'm petrifief of taking modules alone. dammit.

byebye. eyes are closing.

rainy evening with my dreamcatcher.

when i was still an alcoholic. at least i'm not dependent on it anymore.

somehow i feel that on rainy evenings, any song that runs through my itunes is especially pleasant to the ears.
resounding to my eardrums and to the heart. thanks to pf i have a new folder of zen songs by secret garden. it's really peaceful to listen to it when i'm boiling, pissed, annoyed or whats not.

com317 presentation went okkkk. but let's hope the marks are smashing too. really too tired to be bothered now.
thinking of friday simply exhausts me.

ugc211 meeting tml at bugis 11am. =((((( so earlyyyy. nvm, can sun bian pick up my shoes. wheeee loves. (:

let's hope we get everything done by noon/mid noon. then can see what to do for 337 presentation. and portfolios. GRRRR. AND UGC QUIZ. KNNCCB. i cannot fail leh, no more chances. must go earlier to find strategic spot. HAHAHAHAH. but it's on thursday........no reliable sources. FUCK.

why does my laptop seem to become heavier and heavier each day?????

ugc class was presenations. yawns. first game i was damn scared to be called. heng it was rather a seniors vs juniors kinda game. and the middles(year 2s) were ignored, very happily. HAHAHAH.
second one was attempting a story-telling style which made me want to fall asleep. i caught probably 30% of total content. dammit.

third was a game by andrew's group. and i sabo-ed johan by lifting up his hand (he was unaware cos' he was talking to pf across me) to volunteer. and he slapped me so hard on my arm it hurts. then he called out my name to sabo. nicely, i saboed pf. HAHAHAHAHA. yay happy groupie! it was some board game. i was the CHINESE. johan was INDIAN. pf was RED INDIAN. MUAHAHAHAH. i didn't want to help johan with his policies. then knn so suey next policy i drew: CHINESE EXCLUSION ACT.

like wtfff??? got so zun not!!! -curses.
LUCKY GOT PEOPLE REPEAL that policy for me. lovessss.
but i lost one gold. grrr. one round and i lost one gold. loserrrr.
cmi leh my chinese. HAHAHAH.

but, yay, got some hispanic supported me. no benefit for him also. but still, probably just to spite his friend lah. lol. too bad for me.


then was a snake and ladder game by the indons group. spongebob, patrick and i forgot what character. errr we lost. EH!!! got participartory sweet leh. -coughs.
i answered 1 question only, and that 1 question got it correct. am i zai or what. LOL.

-shrugs. today only saw ___ and ____.

and after class we lost pf while asking selina stuff. and crashed cher's singing club cca. it's machiam a huge kbox LT. HAHAHAHAH. after much pushing, johan finally agreed to sing a verse from the blackstreetboy song. since he brags he sings well. LOL. oklahhh, not that bad. but don't know why he so act shy for what. zzzz.

and our speculations. tsk!

oh, i didn't know william was in singing club too, until cher told us. lol.

the theory of forbidden fruit?
sometimes i don't know if i am right to feel inferior, or that i simply lack self-confidence.

what is right, what is wrong? what is meant for you, what is out of reach? what if things were the way i see it? what if things don't run by me. what if, i simply am denying myself unconsciously?

what am i supposed to do? who will be the right one, when everything feels just nice, fittingly.

when i won't feel out of place, or know that skips in heartbeat are merely dream-like and ravishing in it's hidden secrecy, but never to be fulfilled?

------

and i heard that they got back together. LOL. whatever lahs.

------

it suddenly occured to me that it has been ages since i have had a restful sleep, one whereby i can rest my mind totally, not toss subconsciously, worrying about not waking up on time, worrying about incomplete work, worrying about my tests the next day.

what's with such a life? no wonder my skin is rotting and i feel rotten.
------

sis and mama are nice. papa is nice too. i told him about my long long ago n76 desire. HAHAHA. maybe i should change to t100 desire. =(

he told me see when contract expire or what got decent plans not...or upgrade lor.
it'll be my first flip phone then! wheee.

abit tired of my dualengkong 6680.

------

long entry if you bothered to read about my messy life.
shall go rot and recoup abit before getting some overdue work done. sighs.

conversations i had with so many people, will i remember the lessons with the wise ones? and learn to discern the useless from the useful?

where does poison lie in words?
in your heart and soul.

breathe long, hard, deep.

i admit i've been flaring up a tad bit too often recently.
all the pent up emotions and annoyance at certain events and people.
i know it's part and parcel of life, but at times like this, i wonder if the initial decision was even right?

so we had our com231 presentation. cleared! though scurrying around and feeling agitated because the vids didn't work WAS VERY IRRITATING. i stood up only to almost lose my breath and silently gasping for air. left the portfolio. damn fucked this one. HAHAHAHA. time to excavate.

there's biz comms sales ppt in a few hours. portfolio. let's hope everything will turn out spectacular!!! -grins.

wed would most probably be com337-ing and ugc211-ing. 2 presentations. 1 quiz. 1 paper. 1 portfolio. 1 mock test. fucking stressed.

let's hope i wouldn't become some disintegrated jello.
-wobble wobble.

haven't started studying for finals, unlike msot of the people i know. sighs. i just need sleep.

formal again for presentation. let me go iron my clothes. boos.

note to self:
1) pf saw ____ and he/she smiled. AIYA MUTUAL LAH OK.
2) mz took same bus as ____. zzz.
3) i saw _____ as i was leaving the school.
4) i saw ___ during socio. happy. (:
5) i will be seeing ___, ___ and ____ tml in school. loves.
6) i better work harder and stop being a slacker.

amk hub and ab's room.

//edit.

ehhh! i forgot to mention that yuekai called me from taiwan! damn shocking!! before i picked up i was still wondering whose number it was. don't want those scam numbers lah. then a dep voice answered me and asked " you know who am i not?" zzzz. i really couldn't recognise his voice so i said no.
when he said his name i was like WTFFF OMGGG!! lol. damn hilarious. but so touched he called seh. though slightly insincere in his intentions--he wanted to skip getting me a souvenir! tskkk! in ximending nonetheless. HAHAHAH.

but ya lah i'm happy to hear from him. talked for quite long lor. wahhh, he damn generous to pay for overseas call. somemore called me just to ask _________. LOLOL. pengs.

nice lah. niceee.

on a lighter note, i discovered this "narrator" function in my computer. helps to read out whatever you are typing. FUNNY.
i typed in mz is a pig just now. HAHAHAHHA. pengs.

ok tune in for more mz's hilarious conversations in other entries.
------



her hand, my head.


she loves bananas. don't steal her banana or she'll get very mad.


cactus is THE way of life.


damn cute ring right! kop-ed from yan to take a picture. the squirrel actually had this nut hanging from the hands. omg. cute.















randomness. today met nehs at clementi to look for photocopy shop to get her rosemary 317 notes copied, but the stupid shop never open and we were nearly deafened by the annoying construction work.

nehs headed to macs to eat her chicken foldover and i sat and watched. there was this guaibeibei kept looking in my direction while nehs went to order her food. zzzz. fine lah i'm weirdo.

so train-ed to amk. damn long. talked cok...arrived and had some spare time left so we wenta hang around amk hub. wah that place is freaking big and equipped with many services. 0.0 found the place to photocopy and the auntie took freakingggg long. zzz. met with the rest and headed to ab's house amidst the rain and humid air.

slacked around after rehearsing cos' the rain was heavy and we couldn't leave. LOL i cannot believe we crapped so much. it actually felt darn good lehs. =)

left around 6pm and bus-ed back to amk. went for a little walk in the shopping centre and eventually bought this oversized tee-dress. zzzz. i was tempted by the price. okok. no more shopping. dinner-ed at subway. HEALTHY LIVING!

sigh, i should adopt eve's method of dieting. no meals after 5pm. zzz. so dead lahs. how to man? i'm just a glutton. =( need to stock up on fruits and vegetables already. sighs.

this week is gonna be terrible. project presentations and papers due. back to work now! =( let's hope i don't evolve to become a panda. 3 more weeks, PULL ON!!!

byebye. and my ugc is so dead. seriously. i never felt so......ARGHHH while writing a response paper. screwed.

senseless.

my forehead is the size of my palm.

should be doing my ugc response. was researching a little online to get conrete stuff, failed. quite messed up.


this was how i used to look. damn i miss being young, energetic, vibrant and happy. over the past few semesters, i've felt nothing but turmoil and stress, fatigue and ageing. HA. i will try my best to be positive. i am just placing too much expectations on myself. i know.
oh look, this was before braces...HAD MY FANGS! coolness. i miss them.



this, darlings, is JEZ. awesome! miss them loads. everyone has their lives already. whatever happens, these are 2 dudes i don't wanna lose contact with. they stuck with me through so much, and the appreciation i have for them is immeasurable.

how we've changed. lol. i could include an older picture of rvhs and haoz, but i better not. =D yes yes, i was ugly. i still am ok. tskkkk.

i think i should at least get some words squeezed out for the paper. meeting 231 group for ppt rehearsal tml. at amk nonetheless. sighs. happy travelling to you jielin. whee.

bloodshot eyes.

damn damn tired.
finally managed to cut out scenes from 30 days dvd to convert for our ugc ppt. grrrr. johan better start his content soon. shagged. no time no time. i can't even think of the quiz. i forgot all about my response paper.

317 is ALMOST finished, managed to get both vids done. ppt is done too. left script and rehearsing. let's hope we don't exceed time limit. portfolio panic!!!

and 231...ARGHHHHH. portfolio panic!!!

337!!!! -cries. tragedy everywhere.

so much to do, so little time.

in few hours im supposed to be going for dental, then meeting for project discussion with girls in school. but there's a kazua in my toilet and i'm extremely grossed out. it flies, makes flapping sounds that is seriously disgusting and i NEED TO PEE. =( how to bathe like that?

I MUST BE POSITIVE. I WILL PULL THROUGH.

night.

hello dentist.

i finally got through the line to NDC.
i didn't know what that rubber thing was called in dental terms, so i must have sounded idiotic describing it to the receptionist. HAHAHA.
the receptionist sounded incredulous upon learning the fact that my brackets broke while i was eating bread. disbelievement actually.

so she managed to give me two slots on friday. either 8am or 130pm. i chose the morning one. crazy yes, but hecks. i want to be a early bird. wheewhee. morning air can do me some good.

gave koki's lunch thing at her house a miss because my mood was fucked up.
went to get my necessities. trudged home in the humid weather and decided to go jogging.

after a full body inspection, i realised that i have bloody lot of cellulite. great.

i, jelly, henceforth declare to be on a diet from today, november 14th, 2007. i will uphold this. WILL. MUST.
this means eating as little as possible.
ignoring my hunger.
drinking water.
=( i miss my body.
i'm living on an oil rig.
HAHAHA.



the trusty molten knee guard. yes, my socks are mismatched. i always can't find them together in my messy closet.


er, navy singlet is cooling lahs. lol. running gear. (i'm covering my face cos' my hair was in a mess and i was super flushed)

ok, solemn matters: i should be tackling my essay soon. giving insights which others wouldn't have is difficult. but it's challenging, and i like challenges.

first, i better get those readings done to link to my paper.
sleepy.

i exercise to feel those droplets of perspiration rolling down my body.
somehow it feels good. to be under the sun's caress.

more pics in my phone. lazy upload. that's all for now.

finally the rubber snapped.

i thought i was damn lucky my rubber bands never snapped on me.
GREAT. the last ring on my left JUST broke. 0.0
and because i was tmd hungry(still tmd hungry now) and ate some bread. haiz. pekcek. wonder if i should pull my dental forward. that's pulling forth whole 2 weeks. not sure if it's needed. shall call tml. grrrr.

and i doubt i'll go koki's place for lunch. although i'm craving. dammit. NEVERMIND. can JIAN FEI RIGHT. haiz. stupid rubber band.

tmd saturation point now. researched abit for ugc essay. haven't really read through my findings. then still got ugc final project. decided to split in the end, cos' of their unwillingness and our erm...timetables. sigh. a merger that never really happened.
no ugc on thurs. better start our ppt.

com231 died. better start getting down to concrete stuff. com337 and 317 also. dammit. tmd tired. think i'll head for bed and try to get more stuff done after school.

boss jh plonked me for two slots tuition next year in weekdays. 0.0 let's hope my timetable won't kill me. evening tuition classes are tiring. sighs. and i'm not even assigned creative classes yet.

one of best tutor? cannot lose me???

okkkkkk. i just need the money mans. kids are the bonus of cos. marking never was.

i forgot to mention that i TOOK PART IN LAMEASS BRAND'S DRINKING RECORD thingy in sim earlier in the morning. LOL. utter.....disbelievement. social pressure lah ok. robot couldn't stop complaining about the bad taste. geez.

I SAW YOU CUTIE AT THE TABLE. STRIPES. fine, so if i'm generic, at least my taste not bad ok. geez. pity i couldn't stare. lol.

i'm damn hungry now. it's a sign i should lose weight.
tml shall be lokcok day since it's so short.
going blind researching, googling and movie-reviewing. dammit.
i hate my reflection.


you have to love yourself before you can cherish others. i think it's mutually exclusive for me.

the star sign.

this is the bathroom floor of a painter's house. cool eh? almost real.


lol, all that falseness is making me sick.
you asked for it, i'll give it to you.
i'm fine with it, i'll just revert.
why, sometimes i realise your emotions run on jealousy. for those things i happen to do better than you do.
i shall just take it as a compliment then.


and some people just tend to get on my nerves and annoy me.
because i have higher tolerance level than most, explains for my not bitching or complaining.
don't make me explode.
my other half is a polar opposite.
now is not the time, because i'm running low on time, energy and patience.
and i don't like to accumulate unnecessary bad karma.


"don't beat yourself for it."

it's true.
and it's scary how you are able to see through me and understand how i feel.
with age comes wisdom.


i guess being so ________ makes me _______________.
i just gotta find _________.

i'm truly the deviant.


struggling inside, not doing the things i like.
because i hate being confined.
i hate being restricted.
i hate feeling like this. without much choice.
because i'm just not normal; not that normal girl.

breaking the ranks. can i? i can, he says, she says.
their confidence in me makes me feel unreal.
have i been underestimating myself?
have i been burying myself unconsciously?


i find no point to be happy every moment,
if my smiles don't come from within.
merely accomodating. who am i kiding?
i smile or grin when i feel it radiate outwards.
that's the real me. like it or not.

media has subtly influenced me and my perceptions, unknowingly.
i hate to be shaped by it, but i seem powerless to it.
it's time to redefine myself.


you are slowpoke. it's the last lesson anyway. too bad.
and some comments were better left discrete. i was mad, but i chose not to flare up. that's how i control my anger. can you?
i don't complain about you, so don't complain about me.
till i see you again, little boy.

and you wore a shirt, formal today.
nice.
never really looked carefully anyway. was too sleepy.
i'll see you soon too. bad impression remains, sadly.

and i look forward to seeing you tml. provided you are there. HAHA.

because i am in no place to do anything, i will not.
although i believe in fighting for things i want, or even going to lengths to get what i desire, i will not this time.
the past is enough. lesson learnt.
patience is a virtue. right?


and i cannot believe it. freudian slip.
-flaps hands-
for all the bickerings, i definitely don't like YOU. don't overestimate yourself.
you said that you are an actor, and everyone is acting on the stage. which makes me wonder: what IS your propaganda?

everything is easier to take things on the surface. so much easier.


fallen angel.

the power of labels.

"you think too much"
vs
"deep thinker"
vs
"devil's advocate"


LOL. don't envy what you cannot be.
because it is the greatest barrier of all.

i should not have seen that.

those nudges, what are the meanings behind?
there was no need for all to stare right?
i wonder what was the reason. please don't let it be a bad one. =(

thinking about all those deadlines and projects due is pissing me off.
response paper to conquer. pekcek.

let's not even talk about STUDYING.
i feel like i'm procrastinating everything. and i hate my actions utterly.
it's time i discipline myself.

school is just another cycle of events, repeating again and again.
sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it's good.

today's socio was CRAP. i'm kinda ashamed at myself. sighs.
i don't feel alive at all.
i need to psycho myself into feeling energetic and.......happy.

i've come to realise how extreme i am.
it's either this or that.
study hard or start flunking.
fucking bloody emo or crazily high.
extremely pale or damn black.
super unhealthy or super health-conscious
geez, when will i find that balance?????
i need that balance in life. i'm tired of scrambling for my life.

what lies ahead?
again, i recall glenda's esl: if you had a book which records your past, present AND future. it is right infront of you, would you pick it up to find out what your future would be?

my answer was no. being that blur sotong optimistic me, i said that what will come will come, might as well let it surprise me and learn in the process.

now, i'm torn. can i choose chapters to read? lol.
knowing changes your path.
that's the power of knowledge, indeed.

sunday is finally 51 mins over.

this sunday...seemed so long, but not much work done. i'm feeling lethargic and my brain can't take in anything school work.
i just wanna laze around and rot and do leisure stuff like cycling, kayaking in sentosa, sitting cable car, walking around aimlessly, work, earn money, get to know people at work, interact with kids(i actually miss my rascals..dammit) and travel. sigh.

met nehs at wcp macs to get work done. cmi talk alot. then monz came. talk more. relieved our havoc chalet. HAHAHAHAH. and our genting KL trip. damn...i miss those days. then she used my friendster and facebook account to spy on people. geez.

and she made me play this golf game in her computer. zzzz. lame shit. HAHAHAH.

found out certain things.
sighs. i don't know the right emotion to feel.
i think it's kinda like the cycle. everything comes to a full circle, then repeats all over again. nightmare or sweet dreams, it's coming back to haunt me.
what right do i have to feel like this?
i caused it. so i have to be "big hearted" and congratulate.

ok, i've decided to let it go.
every sem, something happens. sometimes i'm ready for it, at times i'm not.
getting rather weary and wary. are you there ll?
do listen to my silent pleas...

i seem to spend my entire life repaying.
the debt never seems to be self-accumulated. yet i still feel guilty.

projects and papers.
i'm tired already.
i shall stop whining.
but if you can hear my cries, make it all come true, without all the shitty terms and conditions apply. i find myself offsetting all those before enjoying my reaps.


where do i stand, really?

xg back from the past.

ok frankly, i thought he was much cuter back then. LOL. DREADLOCKS OK!!!! how cool is that?? -grins-

nonetheless this song is hilarious. irresistably cute lahs. he actually performed again SOLO in yule 2 years down the road.
i realised xg can really sing. 0.0 mans, ain't he talented. HEHE.

he's still my one and only love though. tskkk. i happened to chance upon wikipedia while googling for his MVs back from his WAN ZI days. lol. he's a scoprio. DAMN! (i need a libra LOLOL) and i think he's 4 years older than me, meaning...24?? WHEEEEE.
ok daydreaming. last night daydream-ed enough with yan. ERM, yes practice my smile on monday. AHAHAHAH. come come, if only what i say always come true. i don't wanna step on shit again after turning so many corners. =D

woke up today by 12pm. dragged myself and convinced my lazy arse it's time i stop being a vampire. youtubed a little to catch some laughs and cheer myself up. then was down to 317. got my part of practice done. NEHNEH i need chapter 8 from you!! revised my speech notes, cover letter and resume. printed! (:

ok, i have a couple of presentations to worry about, but i can't seem to get my group mates online. GREAT. i don't wanna last minute already. after these few days of catching up on sleep, my skin is finally better. ARGHS.

on a side note, i realised one way of "downloading" mp3. i simply find the vid on youtube and convert using vixy.net. AM I GENIUS OR WHAT? HAHAHAHAHA.
erms ok.



i suddenly remembered that report on tv about this poor elderly trishaw rider and 3 ang mohs. if you read/heard the news i'm sure you'll know what i'm talking about. simply thinking about it infuriates me. if there's one thing i cannot tolerate, it's bullying and taking advantage of the elderly. those fucktards need to stop thinking because they are more educated and WHITE, they can assume this superior position and exploit those powerless to them.

in fact, i feel disgusted and ashamed by their actions. shouldn't the educated be more aware of such issues and learn the importance of respect and wider perspective? the worst thing was they thought it was hilarious. maybe i should put their grandma/grandpa in that position. what would be hilarious to me would be to see them get knocked down by a truck aka in final destination style.

i need to get a bath. still haven't ran yet. damn. hello wobbly fatty fats.

ginko nuts make you smart, eh?

arghs.

i fell asleep last night the wrong "way".
i woke up with a half twisted neck.
BAHHHHHHHH.
don't stand to my right, because i'll cuss and swear to turn.
=(

it feels like an ultra long holiday. and i'm totally wasting my time. damn.

anyways, if nehneh is reading this, just to say congrats for your new found love. and erms...jiayou. update me constantly AND truthfully. thank you. hahaha.
happy driving merc.

who's gonna feed me this november? ineedagoddamnjob.

byebye. i'm off to rot.

today feels like a sunday.

slept at 4am and woke up at 1pm. love. happy deepavali to everyone.

wanton mee waiting for me at the table. downed it. stoned and watched tv. online-ed and checked out several websites to get ideas of stuff i intend to get. ebay-ed several loves. DAMMIT. i wish i were fucking bloody disgustingly rich. grrrr.
no income means no shopping.

then was black sesame paste. OMG. hehe. and stoned and rotted and tv-ed with computer infront of me. then was dinner! gasp. hor fun, seafood fried rice and e-mian. plus ROJAK. INDIAN ROJAK. I'M SO LOVEDDDD.

after complaining to my papa that i WANT TO EAT GOOD FOOD for several weeks, finally i get it. heeeeee.
with my favouritest of all. ONIONS!!! i kop all always because no one in my family eats them. ok i have bad breath, irritate me and i'll make you faint with my powerbreath.

looking for an automatic watch.
THIS IS AWESOMELY ORGASMIC.
but the price is AWESOMELY HEARTBREAKING.
boohoos.












and these are stuff i've eyeing damn long. prettyaye. =( if you buy any one for me, i'll give you a kiss. HAHAHAHA. ok like that maybe no one wants to buy liao. sian. anyhow, these pieces are seriously gonna rock my wardrobe. not that i bought any. ROAR.


simple black dress.


loves. if only it was detachable hood so that i won't look like a retard in sweltering hot singapore. can bring overseas too! =(((


hot. chic. simple. fuss free.


too cute for words.


I WANT THIS SINCE I WAS LITTLE. =(


okkkk. so i ate like an elephant today. died.
and i'm peeling in awful areas. HAHAHAHA. rmb which part of my body was furiously red after tanning (people who saw me flash before should know =D)? it's peeling there now. and i'm so dark INSIDE. lol.

obscene.

drinking water to prevent pimples and hydrate my skin. wheee.
should go running tml. been several days it seems.

my studies are in the pits.
don't say i stress a lot when it's that fucked up ok.
somehow, i just don't feel that motivated anymore.

and i officially crown _____ as my nemesis. he annoys me to the core. seriously.

ending on my last note:
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE BUY ME A DECENT CAMERA?
like SLR if u are filthy rich.
or T100 if you are moderately.
last alternative is DONATE TO JIELIN FUND if you are just...normal.

looking at all those photoblogs and shots by pros is making my hands itchy. =(

byebye.

my toes are finding their way home.

long entry ahead.


today has been....woah! went school for socio even when i wanted to just sleep-in because the weather was.....WHEEEEE! chilly and comfy. still, i managed for like in 1 month, HEAR MY ALARM RING. amazing. so i woke up grudgingly.

managed to reach school rather on the dot because the interchange was flooded with humans. stoned and wrote a few socio definitions out. exchanged erm...juvenile experiences with abs. HAHAHAHA. the breakfast was lousy. made me wanna shit.

then was rotting after class for time to pass. and down to bugis it was. no intention to buy anything, BUT HEAVEN HAS EYES.
i found my dream pair of cut-in boots. with adequate height heels to boot! mans, how could i resist. and yes, it's under $100, which is awesomely decent. hothothotttt.
now i'm left with that patent knee high structured boots to look for in hk. wheewhee! loves. more dresses please. structures and clean cut lines.

trying to become CLEANER. yes, i know i don't iron my clothes or even hang them up. i DO WASH THEM. i'm not dirty. i'm just messy. (denial, lol)

so i ordered that pair in my size(sold out sadly) and it's due to arrive end of this month. i'm happy! (:

then was rotting more, accompanying nehneh shop. and oh yes, today i met a very frank shopowner and i admire her indeed. nehneh should know who.

lol, at least i know that tactics in persuasion not that manipulated.
she said very frankly: qi shi lao shi shuo ni bu shi hen piao liang, ke shi ni nai kan. ye hui da ban he chuan yi fu. bu yi yang. er qie ni you yi zhong qi zhi, te bie.

LOL. i shall not bother to translate. go figure.
sighs. i shall face up to the cold hard facts eh?

next was a long and tiring walk to haji lane. NEHNEH OVERSHOT (because it was my first time there) and we had to reroute back. ROARRRRR. my toes were becoming numb.

but the trip was worth it. to sum it up: colors, styles, vintage, chic, mod, daring, concepts, quaint, symmetries. and yes, pictures. (:

i shall not upload all because it's tiring. if you're really interested go see that album in facebook. i should have uploaded most in there. SHOULD.

album.


train-ed home. nehneh wenta meet wt at boon lay. and i managed to scramble up the bus before it left. phew. hengness. trekked to wcp for another round of shots.
turned out pretty well with editing. great.

here's a couple. most of the pics were really shaky because i had to whip and snap and keep in case the shopowners notice. zzz.


they had stickers on every inter-step.


nice. dizzy.


and then there were mirror panes. on stairs no doubt!


jia=home. (: note the effects on colors. past present future.


totally unintentional. so i'm the "darklord", there's the "light" and there's nehneh at the end. LOL.


the shophouses.


bring me onto that ferris wheel and i'll kiss you.


what's the time?


drawing on the sky.


everything.


it's uncommon, which makes it so....unique.


postcard? nahs, yours truly. (:


a couple of pics from socio poster thingy.


all 3 in jeans, what are the odds?


he irritates me and i'm trying to strangle him. shit.


nehneh goes around changing clothes in corners of SIM lah! tskkkk.

ok, one last picture of mr grumpy aka greedy who slept throughout soc lecture.
see how dulan he is?


hehe, suddenly rmb 2 cuties i saw in haji lane...-grins-

tsk. ok i'm going blind from facing the computer for so long. HAPPY DEEPAVALI EVERYONE!!! enjoy your holidays!

i've got a couple of resolutions, and i'm gonna upkeep them. what's a gemini mans? (:

my stomach is growling.