Friday, August 31, 2007

repressed frustration-

such a long day. my first thursday this sem, and it's already killing me.
i could hardly walk straight, or talk sense at the end of the day.
i'm serious. no exaggerations.
i was actually feeling faint and dizzy on my way to clementi xh.
-sighs.


i really don't need more shit.
not that explosion, certainly.
i had to take deep breaths to keep myself from yelling at you.
frustrations and capped anger; always kept at bay.
don't force me.
my tolerance level is godly high.
don't test me.


i don't wanna give a damn now.
things will always go straight after some time.
they will.
now it's all curvy wurvy, split ends, torn paths, lost trails.

i wil find my way back again.
this sem, i foresee, will be a further test of my endurance, health, determination, brains...and patience.

i don't do things for no reason.
i have my aims.
i am not like you.
things don't just fall into my hands.
i don't get things easily.
i work my shitty ass off for it. and i am proud of myself.
but you just keep pushing me down, making me feel lost and pathetic.
momentarily, i forget who are my true friends.


it's true isn't it,
sometimes we tend to feel alone, despite being surrounded by things and people.
events render us feeling.......


which is why i enjoy the late night bus trips home.
i'll lift my head up to stare at the stars.
disappointed if the sky was cloudy,
happy if i could see those twinkling darlings.
constants.
silence, nothing but my slow footsteps and calm breathing.

escapism.


funny how, on a down day, the kids at clementi cheered me up.
officially their english teacher now, cos' that dumbass teacher has not turned up for 2 weeks straight. i guess they are starting to open up to me.
learning styles there has to be different mans.
teaching methods also different.
i can remember their names already! cheers!!!

8 kids. grow grow grow. and i get more moneyyyyy.

------

wednesday in jurong xh:

(going through another cloze passage)

me: ok!! look at this Q. the answer is B! B for BOY ok!!!
d: HAHAHAHAH. B FOR BALUGU!!!!


i want to stab him.


ps: BALUGU is bruise.

------

kids are ...... undescribable.
but if they like me, i don't mind.
earning their respect ain't gonna be easy. but i will try my best.

then the parents.
deal time.
that smile.
that manners.
that professional.

------

won't you please give me a pink psp already?
-sighs.

-------

tons of work to be done.
tons of marking.
tons of scheduling.
tons of eyecandies in school.
<3333

HAHAHAHHA.
aiya, see only whatttt.

i'm non-noticeable anyway.

fringe is growing fast.
loves.

appreciation would be greatly appreciated.
somehow wy's words echoed in my mind today.
maybe it is occurring slowly.
oh wells.

money money money.

beef up my account please.
=(
my pay..............
end of month already.
it's time.
=(((((

my 5 figure digit is....damn.....far...offfffff.....

ARGHS PEKCEK.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

half dead.

two days of school only, and i am barely surviving.
fuckkkk. ENERGISE YOURSELF!!!!

=(
it's more of brain exhaustment.
so many groups to remember and form.
so much projects this sem.
so many presentations.
so many reports.
so many writings.
so much to do, so little time.

and what about work????

i wanna cry already.
can'tbreathe.


saw brother in school today. hilarious.
good to meet up, though we didn't talk.
found each other familiar but just didn't talk.
HAHAHA.
he didn't come up to clarify either. lpp.
i had to msg him(abeit after finishing my tomyumsoup).


ok saturday outing cancelled.


still very tired.

i cannot stay with N. she makes me wanna eat.
=(
GO AWAY.
she can go shopping while i must go work.
GO AWAY.


come flow come.


oh wait,
let me be deconsipated. (if there is such a word)

meiguimali and glenda and i forgot her name and selina.
colourful sem.
let's hope i survive the fucking millions of papers i have for EACH module. =(

GIVE ME THE LETTER! (that specific letter ONLY; with plus sign)

mary shaw-

okkkkk. quite freaky. because from the start i never liked chucky dolls.
GRRRR.
so freakish. haunting. taunting.

dead silence. good show if you hate dolls.
but it gets predictable after a while.
twist at the end, unexpected.
was still debating a few loose ends with nehneh after that.
the perfect doll indeed.
tskkk.
i dun think the male lead should die. like DUH, he scream for what. lpp.

still, human reflex says that we should scream when we are scared.
it's damn weird not to.

walked around vivo. mans. crazy madnessssss.
winter is back. and IM LOVING IT.
loves. woolly sweaters. huge ass boots. long black trenches.
DAMN IT.
i wish i have tons of money now. =(
winter stuff is just too expensive.
haizzz.


nvm. patience.
i suddenly saw money rain in vivo today. zzz.
buttttt, i better make it work out.
nehsquared is right, i shouldn't sacrifice one for the other.
haiz. i don't want to either.
but money is really important to me! =(


come pay come.
haiii. resisted the temptation to get anything today.
I'M A WINNER!

i should start wearing my limited eds.
geez.

before nehsquared complains.
=( ugc tml. rotting time before that. lonely soul.

my fringe is growing!!!
-beams.

errrr.
sis just pulled me along to watch hairspray on sat.
tskkk. with her bf and her bf's bro.
-_-
okkkk. family outing issit?

nvm. i don't hafta pay!
-GASP-
-beams.

actually i asked for it.
dammit. the paying part i mean.
=DDDDD
free movie lehhh.
no strings attached.
let's hope it'll be enjoyable. damn weird lah.



mr fate sms-ed a weird msg. but ok lah, maybe my chinese is just bad.


taxis are hard to wait for today.
waited damnnnn long can. kaozzz.
helped this japanese family called for cab with nehsquared.
felt bad for not helping the angmoh couple. no timeee.

should start saving up mans.
my christmas present for myself.
and er...travelling.
finally.
before my legs get itchy again. =(

i can foresee more sleepless nights.
please, flow, please.


ahhh. new style.
glam rock.
HAHAHAHHAHA.
or winter chic.

either way, i'm still an oddball.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

4amforever-



lostprophets. 4am forever.
LOL. gonna be my new song for this sem. ATTACK of the assignments and tests. =(

i still think rooftops is one of the "release" kinda songs.
the MV is quite cool.
imagine if i can scream, can break glass, eh damn hosei ok!
but pretty impossible.

so it was admin, then class(better today! the lower sec kids are warming up to me!), then rotting around waiting for dinner with mr fate.
endured 3/4 of the day without eating anything.
all for the sinful pasarmalam food.
boohoos.
and i feel guilt again for the offers of paying everything.
hmmms. and i dragged mr fate to play those lame ass games. HAHAHAHA he is lousy!!!
at least i threw better.
ok lahhhh. won some lame ass prize.
LOLOL. pengness.

sweet lah sweet lah. still ever the gentleman.
though he seems really apologetic that he didn't manage to win that piglet for me.
but stilllll, i said that as a passing remark only.
tskkk.
still as sensitive.

i wish his wounds would heal soon. (:

i should be getting my pay soon. hmmms.
money august.
the months ahead are gonna be stressful and a test of my endurance and determination.
but hey, what's more? i've been through it right?
you'll do fine, jielin!
FIGHT FIGHT!!!




last train home.

time and time again, it seems like everything is wrong.
but there's still tomorrow,
forget the sorrow.
no more time to care,
no more time to think.



got what i needed from the bookshop finally. (:

sing without a reason.

an off day tml, cos' the bosses would be praying at the centres.
hmmmmms.
walk walk with nehneh.

grap every chance to relax.
no more chances already!

W aint being very subtle.
i'm making wild guesses.
meanwhile, ignorance, or pretence is good.

shall go write something.
byebye!

tonight i'll fall asleep, because that brings me closer to you.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

cpp-



Another rather nice song. Saw a girl who looked like guojing on the train a few days ago. But she was much skinner, and...had bleached blonde hair. zzz. why so skinny. think she's from SIM anyway, cos' i saw her on the bus to school before.

anyway the tv just announced the champion for the xiaoyuan superstar thing. not much positive comments about the final winner, but i just don't really like that impish-loooking boy. he can't really sing.
despite the fact that he is only 13 years old, i cannot discount the fact that he doesn't look very likeable. ALTHOUGH aunties are dyign to pinch his cheeks. pleaseeee. this is obviously using "young and cute" to his advantage. but i don't find him adorable the least bit. i can tell a good kid from the bad. still, preferences.

the most worthy may not win the competition everytime.

so today, i think there was school events in one of the schools. a few of them didn't come, which was a good thing because i had around 4 less monkeys to control.

managed to get through 2 of my classes. so i went for my last class.

went through cloze passage with them. those whereby you need to write the LETTER representing the word from the box.

so.....

me: ok, Q24, the answer is J...J for Joker.
students: -ticks or crosses answers-
me: next! the answer is P.....-momentarily mind block, couldn't think of a P-word-
lm: i know i know!!! P FOR PIGU!!!!!


zzzz.


stab me please.


tons of composition corrections. lol. it's funny when i go through their mistakes with them. some were really hilarious ones.


so, one last day of my holidays before school hits in the face again.
sigh. so exciting.


------

so today i was gushing about my 10 minute bus ride to the centre to the gang.
HAHAHAH. got MN encounter sehhh.
wheewhee.

ok find, i'm fa hua chi-ing. but i'm quite positive about my instincts. LOL.

------

i really need to go to the bookshop. many things i'd rather write down.

pasarmalam tml.

still on a diet. gonna eat a littleeee tml.

i like the weather when it's cool and breezy.
go away stuffy, humid weather!!!
makes me feel like a sweaty hippo.

------

watching zhong ji yi ban. LOL.
peng-ness storyline.
it's good for entertainment.

W msged out of the blue today. jio me go out for a while pei him walk walk. zzz.
seriously. i get all the shit.
but heckssss.

shit is better than no shit right?
i shall turn shit into magic.

grow money moleeee.
grow fringeeee.

si nian shi yi zhong bing.



LOL. tons of kissing in this MV. i think it's real couples, hearsay.
but i like this song; irrational like.

another tiring day of travelling to and fro work.
at this rate i'm working, the others who work in the shops nearby will get to know me more and more. zzzz.

the spectacle hut staff know me already.
and that convenience shop guys stare at me weirdly everytime i struggle with the damn shutters.
WHAT! HEAVY OK. and it always rebounds back. -_-
and then there are the hp shops ah bengs.
and taka jewellery middle-aged ladies.
the gaming shops.
the 7-11 staff.
now got primadeli.
WHEE! i wished for waffles, and waffles came. =D

the people are generally quite nice.
but the bookshop is still DAMN FAR AWAY.
i needa get some stuff. =( shall try my luck either tml or sunday.

another day full of hollering at the kids tml.
powerlungs.

sunday pasarmalam with mr fate!
i asked one. cheypekpek.
as friend nia.
no interest now. =D

school reopening soon. =(

Friday, August 24, 2007

break the routine.



thought this was rather touching.


today early morning and noon went clementi kbox.
my singing style is like that lah nehneh, cannot complain okkkkk.

then rushed down to tiong bahru.
tuition-ed.
talked to my grandparents for a bit.
missed them loads.

i think many of the neighbours or residents there know that i am the grand daughter already. LOL.

sidenote: thank god my waipo is ok too. sighs. dammit, i hate feeling so useless.

it feels nice to be able to draw a few minutes outta the routine to care and love.
something i hardly do nowadays.
rushed with the peakhour crowd back to clementi.
admin-ed.
and the stupid teacher never came. so i relief-ed.
money money roll in.
i think they are placing me there permanently to teach that class.

tentatively, i will be working on monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday!
GASP. THAT IS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
sighs. nevermind.
grow up jielin, grow up.
remember your plans.
remember your dreams.
remember your vow.

i hope i'll still be able to cope when the sem begins. my working days shouldn't be changing even when school starts...i hope my results will remain. REMAIN or better, PLEASE. i don't wanna neglect one for the other.
i cannot take it.
zzzzz.

life will be work and study.
no gaps. no gaps for other things.
prioritise.

------

sometimes i hate choosing which pair of shoes to wear, because i have so many different types.
then i get pissed and end up with my trusty browns.
and my browns is getting quite......tattered. =(

so i tried wearing my boots here and there.

growing dust mans.
gee.

but trying on the best pair of boots to match my outfit is TIRING.
=( i just cannot seem to make up my mind. BOO.

------

didn't manage to get my stuff today. too rushed. doubt i would have the time tml either.
tuition then clementi admin then private there, then admin.
grrr. my average day ends around 10pm from WORK.

think money, jielin.
you are poor. so work hard.

grow money mole!!!
grow fringe!!!

maybe i shouldn't think so much about money. im infested with that Double-lined S.

------

my holidays aren't very holiday-ish.
but at least i'm not rotting at some corner doing unproductive stuff.
for the long-run eh?

i wonder if August is my money month. MM. HAHAHHAHA.
i do hope so. and more MMs to come.


because the blackness shines and reflects brilliance.
it illuminates.
it attracts.
and it will guide, protect, give me-
everything i want.
i just have to flow.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

crazily in love-



i thought i was super over xg, but after mz sent me the song and i chanced upon this MV, i drooled.
HAHAHAHHA.
the MV sucks, truth to be told. corny to the maximum. lousy storyline, lousy directing, lousy effects.
BUT, i was staring at my xg all the while. =D

hotssss.
just perfect, you know.
not the hottest, not the hunkiest, but just appealing.


still..im a dreamer.




and i thought this MV was kinda saddening.

wenlan is pretty.
she definitely does not look like _____ nehneh.
i will fight you to the end ok.
grrrr.
i don't think SLIT eyes are hot either.
grrrr.

sighs.

kids jb-ed my life today.
every wednesday my tolerance level UP on level. i'm damn zai.
a few teachers asked me how many kids i have.
and i think the shock on their faces is priceless.
HAHAHHAHAHA.
admire me, go ahead.

admire my lungs.
or my skyhigh blood pressure. =(

but boss said something funny once:

"pri 4 teachers, who is fierciest one? ONLY YOU LOR."

LOLOLOL. peng.
i must argue for myself-
i am nice when i am not teaching. but when i'm teaching, you play a fool, YOU ARE DEAD.
yea, miss teo's motto.

ok, some kid got so scared of my spelling he was crying at home refusing to come to class. zzzz.
apparently the father was caning him also lah.
who ask him 0/15 every time, of cos' i will yell at him.
grrrr.

but today i did something good.
i shall wait and see. =)




i cut my hair like...tuesday.
and my fringe is very cok looking. =(
annoyed mans.
grow hair growwww.


ugly shit.
think i shall go to the bookshop tml.
needa get some stuff.

cuzzie tuition, meeting buyer, then admin.
long long day.
for money, i will strive!!!!

can't wait for my next paycheck. sighs.

emo nights.
trying to push everything away.
i'm better when with people.
tend to be the one to make people laugh.
lol.

miss my spunk.

hate the fats.
face.
hair.


look over me, won't you?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

one step in.

one step out.
so...i'm still where i began.

it's funny how life works.
when my brain is flooded with so much shit i cannot think properly, i get frustrated and annnoyed.
i keep thinking about school reopening, shuffling my timetable and work timings. the money i'll earn; it's sufficiency; all the plans i've laid out.

i'm not sure if it'll flow positively.
i'm tired.
slave of money.
i declared so determinedly infront of boss, yet now, i'm not so confident already.


am i really so money-minded?
or am i such a spendthrift?
i hate feeling so empty.
but each day i'm fighting to earn.


i feel like closing down blackills.
it takes so much more than just plain hardwork to make things work out.
success in retail, ain't as easy as i thought.
every singaporean is selfish--cheaper the better.

expectant, yet defying conventions.

i haven't proceeded much in the book.
no time.
tons of stuff to do.
tons of people to entertain.
i'm part of the larger show.

a show i'm growing to be tired of acting in.
but i shall fight on, for money.

dieting.


he asked me out for a movie.
zzz.
but, all's friendly.
li shang wang lai.

right now, i just wished i had an elder bro to whine to.
someone who can comfort me or give me hsi shoulder for support.
someone who can pamper me and make me feel doted on.
ha.
for years, i've yearned.

tiresome.
another long day tml.
shall try to get more work done.
no time when school reopens.


money will never be enough.
come flow flow flow.

i don't wanna attract them.
i want you.
those who are worth it.
turn your gaze in my direction.
flow flow flow.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

lame shit.



something mz showed me. lame. do watch if you wanna chill.

life's hectic. but i prefer this hectic-ness. then a little bit of silence and peace on rides home.

talks with my forever darling monz is always welcomed.
appreciated.
i still love her.
will be missing her until next meetup.

forced to grow up aint a bad thing.
i may not show it, but hey, it's inside my brain ok.
hahahah.

got my just-fucked shirt finally.
nice blue.
fits nicely.
not too loose not too tight.
effeminate indeed.


cut and highlighted my hair.
subtle colour. supposed to be purple and reddish tint.
then there's the cok fringe AS ALWAYS.
can't run away from cok fringe.

zzzz.
i still need more money.

resolve indeed.

dieting will begin.
when i cannot stand my body.
which is now.

42km can go eat shit.
i have no energy to run.

i need more dresses!

i can't wait for my bag to arrive. loves. one month will be worth the wait.
=)


do not envy, because it is too obvious.


at this point in time;
torn between paths.
stuck; needs to be unstuck.
give me a sign.
give me positivity in success.
am i meant for it?

Monday, August 20, 2007

stupid mozzies!

stop sucking my blood!
i don't wanna get dengue yet!
KAOZ.
i seriously think mozzies love my blood.
it's just odd when you are with your friends and NONE get bitten EXCEPT you. =(

-cries.

i hate mosquitos.


just sitting at my laptop has earned me two ultra huge mozzie bites. zzzz.
each is about the size of a thumb.
WTF THAT STUPID MOSQUITO 1 WEEK NEVER EAT ISSIT????!!!

arghhhs.

i'm dying.


long day today.
tutored.
admin-ed.
trained to eunos.
JB SEHHHHH.

trained home.
sore, aching, exhausted.

shall go do my hair in the morning.
weeds.

boss msged.
it's funny.
sigh.
i'm pretty torn.
i guess i've earned their trust.


i won't have so much as a teeny wee bit of life left when school reopens.
it kinda sucks thinking about that.
but same concern.
just don't wanna let my gpa drop further.

at the same time, earn shitloads of money.
HAHAHAHHA.

whee whee.
exlaopo is not gonna throw away my pillow. (:


hiak.


i'm still itching.

damn tired.

blackills.blogspot.com

spread the word.




almost dead.
walking vampire.

savouring the taste of her kill.


weird tutor.
shall see what he wants. teehee.


they keep me barely alive.


who and what am i through your eyes?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

fuckbrains.

SERIOUSLY DAMN PISSED WITH PEOPLE WHO GOT NO MONEY BUT INSIST ON SHOPPING ONLINE.
IT'S THE SAME OLD LOGIC AS NO ATM CARD BUT INSIST ON SHOPPING ONLINE.
PAY BY CONCEALED CASH IS TMD DUMB PLEASE.

ALL NO BRAINS.

THEN TRY TO NEGOTIATE A FEW DOLLARS WORTH OF STUFF.
POSTAGE ALSO NEGOTIATE.
DULAN MAX.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THEM????
I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW.

FUCKBRAINS.


GOT THIS BUYER ASKED ME IF I CAN GIVE HER FREE POSTAGE.
JUST DROP INTO MAILBOX WITH THE ITEM INSIDE.
"NO NEED POSTAGE WHAT LIKE THAT" WAS HER STAND.

FUCKFACE!!!! YOU THINK POSTMANS DO CHARITY CASES FOR EVERYONE?
SIAOCHABOR.
OR SHE NEVER MAIL LETTERS BEFORE?
WAH LAU EH. I REALLY WANNA TAKE A HUGE SPIKEY HAMMER AND JUST SLAM ALL THEIR BRAINS ON.
SPLAT ONTO THE FLOOR. THEN LET THOSE COCKROACHES OR LIZARDS TO EAT UP.
KNNBCCB.

BRAINLESS GIRLS.


AND THEN THERE'S THOSE MIA PEOPLE OR PEOPLE WHO ASK A MILLION QUESTIONS, MADE ME TAKE A MILLION PICTURES FOR ADDITIONAL INFO. THEN REFUSE TO BUY.

I WISH THEY GO OUT GET KNOCKED DOWN BY A CAR.

THEN GOT THOSE GIRLS WHO SAY WANNA BUY.
THEN CONFIRM DETAILS WITH THEM. WAIT FOR PAYMENT FOR DAYSSSS.

EMAILED THEM TO CHASE THEM.
THEY WILL BACK OUT SAY DON'T WANT COS' GOT NO MONEY.

PLEASE LAH FUCKFACES, NO MONEY DON'T SHOP ONLINE.

WASTE OUR TIME ONLY NIA.
WASTE MY SMS. WASTE MY SLEEP.


I REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M IMPLODING FROM THE INSIDE. EXPLODING ALSO.

WHY ARE THERE SUCH DUMB PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD??????


I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THESE EFFORT IS FOR.
I WORK SO HARD FOR WHAT?
EVERY NIGHT I ANSWER EMAILS.
EVERY SPARE MINUTE I TRY TO SETTLE MEET UPS.
CHECK IF WEBSITE IS FUNCTIONING.
DO ADVERTISEMENTS.

WORK SO HARD FOR WHAT?
I FEEL LIKE HALF MY LIFE IS GONE ALREADY.
TMD TIRED.

HATES.
REALLY HATES.

IF ONLY I WAS BORN A BILLIONAIRE'S DAUGHTER.
IF ONLY.

LET ME BE A BILLIONAIRE'S WIFE.

Friday, August 17, 2007

590-

590th entry.

GO VISIT BLACKILLS.BLOGSPOT.COM

new updates!!!!

------

wallpaper and flow.
planning doesn't help in the holidays.
i feel like i'm earning very little.
hmmmmssss.
how har.
must think long term.
okkk, make long term plans.

errrrr.

can't really think now.
but my parents got plans. zzzzz.

i think i'm damn money-faced. how har?

psp byebye. not this month. =(

finally fell in love with a pretty bag. i might end up getting it.
understated chic.

my boots are accumulating dust in that little corner.
SIGH.
come winter come.

the weather can trigger off tempers.
i realised.


i think...i am spending too much.



time to jian fei. fatty bombom.



it's late.



give me jb. i'm bored.
=D JB and money.
i give you fats. wheewhee.
guardian angel, are you listening? =((((


oh, my one of my com classes will be different from the 3 of them. boohoo. as if ugc211 wasn't enough.
still. reasons.
i will find.

another day at admin. getting damn pro. got praised by boss. got thanked.
last minute relief seems to be my forte.

money money money.
how can i say no?

roll in buckets.
i'll throw out the redundant.
GIVE ME THE MONEY!!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

mr fate.



before i start my entry, i thought this picture taken during the blackills shoot made my legs look longggggg.
LOL.

life's...tough.
i'm trying to take things easy, and enjoy the company of friends.
i still find myself losing my temper here and there.
it annoys me to feel so angry.
it pisses me off to feel so stifled.
the weather is killing me.
=(

i hate squeezing with millions of boolay-ians just to board a dumbfuck bus, which coincidentally had NO AIRCON despite the humid weather.
IT ALWAYS HAS AIRCON. JUST TODAY!!!!
the odds, really.


and as if to test the trial of fate,
i met mr fate on the train to JE after my cck cuzzie's tuition.
o.o

i didn't even see him.
apparently he saw me first and walked towards me.
me, being a blur cock, felt someone moving towards my direction, looked up and saw an army uniform, then realised that it was HIM.
imagine the.......shock?

ah anyways, had a brief chat until we went our separate ways.
it's funny how fate plays me out.

i don't want anything from you anymore.
i don't want anything from the world anymore.
i will get what i want MYSELF.

even if it means slogging my guts out.
every path i take has a meaning, has a reason behind, and will bring me to greater paths.

i miss the simplicity i used to live.
but without the complications, life would be boring, wouldn't it?

i think there is an error in my pay. meaning i SHOULD be getting more(i hope). will clarify with mr wang when i see him....this week. zzzzz.

i'm tired of screaming and yelling at 15 ill-disciplined kids.
i really have no idea what their parents teach them at home.
if i ever have kids, i will make sure they are well-behaved ones, and not ill-bred brats.

eye-opener indeed.

maybe i am just a local-ist.
HAHAH.



i still want that pink psp. feeling pissed that my shuffle is dead.

money money money.

jx asked me today: would you rather be rich or poor?

i told her my answer.
rationally thinking, my answer sounded logical.
but if it really occurred, would i still be the same person i used to be?

hmmmm. i miss ocip days. really.


my cuzzie's tuition was funny. despite the heat and my constant perspiring in his fan-less and aircon-less living room, both of us had bouts of uncontrollable laughter.

i was trying to teach him certain expressions and their meanings. which meant i had to use examples. and i used the one which popped into my head first.

that example was hilarious, now that i think of it.
LOL.

-grins-

i hope he does well enough though.
lazy bum.

more tuition tml. then interview thingy with abs.



whenwillthattimecome?
if the saying goes:patience is a virtue.
then, it has to pay off somehow, right?
right.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

the stars said so-

my laptop's speakers are screwed up.
keeps emitting all that static sound.
annoyed to the maximum. especially when i'm watching videos.

sighs.

met up with the buyers finally.

rotted my entire day through, from one destination to another.
got called for relief last minute.
so train-ed to boon lay.

got my jurong pay!
haven't got my pay for clementi and cuzzie's though.

5 digit quite hard to achieve. but i shall do it alone!!!

life is tough, but i asked for whatever which is in my way.
so do i have the right to complain?
just like how i am giving tuition because i want the money,
so which right do i have to complain about the kids?
LOL.
irony, correct?

makes me feel stupid.
and makes me laugh at the others.

sometimes detaching oneself from a situation enables one to see the bigger picture.
i guess when life is so hectic, and many of us live for our dreams and aspirations for our future, we get blinded.
to see the straight path ahead,
and ignore the surroundings that might intrude.

a gemini experiences the richness of virtually every emotion.


of course, i want so badly whatever that i want.
but i want it "perfect".
in every possible aspect.
is it possible?

they laugh at me for being childish.
because perfection doesn't exist.
it's not wrong to wish, is it?


look harder, because i don't show who i really am.


i don't speak everything that's on my mind.


how much are you holding back?







i think i'm relatively clear and level-head right now.
i think i can handle this right.
i got a reminder from the stars above.
a reminder to rid myself of everyone who wishes to take advantage of me;
who is of no good use to me.
who will only make me occupy more brain space.
them included.

i do understand how he feels, though.
and i don't blame him for turning to me.
it seems almost ridiculous, but i shall overlook it.
because i understand, even the strongest heart will crumple at some point;
late in the night.

i just have to hold my stand clear enough,
strong enough.

long.

replacement, i shall NOT be.
the used, NO LONGER.
discerning mind.
the power to materialise.
and my fate has it.

Monday, August 13, 2007

what is the point.

of my life.
when everything will just balance out.
when the goods and the bads are equal.
when i am as tired as i am happy.
when i am as empty as i am fulfiled.

i don't want to live in irony.
i don't want to live in halfs of everything.
i don't want to continue.

can i change my life?
can i change my path?

i am so angry now, but i cnanot find all that anger inside.
i feel like smashing everything i have.
i feel like killing everyone i see now.
i need more calm.


MY SHUFFLE IS SPOILT.
IT WON'T RESET. IT WON'T RESPOND TO REFORMAT.
ALL BECAUSE IT KEEPS POPPING OUT AN ERROR THING.
WTFFFFF. APPLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE APPLE.
WHERE GOT SPOIL ONE.
KNNCCB. WASTE MONEY TO REPAIR NIA.
I'VE A GOOD MIND TO KILL IT.
SNAP IT INTO TWO.


don't speak to me now.
because when i am angry, i'm brainless; senseless; mindless.

when anger turns to tears, but i refuse to cry.

i refuse to lower my head to life.

i want to fight this as long as i can.


i want to be as strong as i can.


just fucking let things flow smoothly.
let me no longer be taken advantage of.
let me no longer be despised and looked down upon.
let me be able to lie and boast and brag as shamelessly as the others.

where are you, when i need you most?
=(

Saturday, August 11, 2007

balance of days.

yesterday was just shit.
actually it was't very bad; if i were to think back now.
but i just didn't felt alive.

everything was very routine. boring.
then the buyer was late.
SO DAMN PISSED.
i mean..fuck lah..what's your problem.
so i guess i showed a damn black face to her. i couldn't help it.
my feet were sore and aching and I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BACK IN THE COOLING OFFICE RELAXING AND WATCHING SCV.

BAHHHHH!!!

loathe meet up buyers.
but hell, my money.

monday another 2 more.
two separate times, so smart mans.
kaoz. think i'll rot somewhere in between to read my book.

------

today tuition at the centre was good. the rascals are becoming more and more controllable, although i had to use my discipline style more and more.

respect ba. i need to gain back that elderly respect. and curb their cursing.
kaoz. they are the worst behaved bunch in the entire centre. i'm damn proud of myself to be able to handle them ok. grrrr.

then i saw wy after ages! wheewhee!!!
crapped with her. i like to see her flustered. HAHAHAHAH. because i will say things to niao her. she's amusing to observe. even more entertaining to speak to. =D

chatted a bit with MY too. hmmms. nice guy.

and then i had to damage control that scandal news that mr wang has kindly spreaded for me. wtf.
AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT GUY TEACHER CAN. -_-'''

turns out MY knows TH. GREAT.
self-defense failed.
still, i KNOW he is a damn nice guy lah. millions of them told me alrdy.
zzzzzzz.

------

bbq and home-cooked specialties for popo's birthday bash!
wheeee!
all my uncles are damn good at cooking. i love them!
miss the times when was still a toddler and they'll bring me out to play, pamper me with gifts, joke with me, piggy back me, all that......

i do like the extended family.
veyr lively, very loud, very bright.
i wonder how mine will look in the future.
it's so fun right? to have so many siblings living in harmony. along with the in-laws.

the next generation is gonna be sadly isolated.

ate so much sinful food.
then again, i did mention my uncles and some aunties are great cooks right?
and my 3rd uncle is the best. LOL. everytime i say i like one of the deserts he makes, he'll make AN ENTIRE WOK or CONTAINER for me the next time we meet.
GOSH. LOVESSSSS. -beams-

damn skilled. and he likes making new stuff. and my auntie made a kuay lapis cake. MY FUCKING GOD. YOU CAN LITERALLY PEEL EACH LAYER OFF ONE BY ONE.
the quality is that good!!!
zzngggg.

and my 3rd uncle made onehoneh. ZNNNGGG. i'm sure everyone knows that is SUPER HARD TO MAKE OK. god. he is god. he spent like don't know how long experimenting to find out the perfect recipe. :))))

and i don't like onehoneh that much. my sister does love it though.
so i tried one.
IT EXPLODED IN MY MOUTH.
like WTFFFFFF. EXPLODED YES!!!

all the coconut came spurting out the moment you bit down on it.
and the outer skin is tender and thin enough.
many tried to be siwen and ate half bite by half bite. PLEASE.
it all spurted out onto their shirts or the floor. MUAHAHAHAHHA.

ok i'm evil. but he's that good. =D the picture doesn't even do the food justice!



the cake.



the oneh.


and then there was CURRY CHICKEN. FUCKKKKK!!!!

loves. hugeass potatoes and spicy tangy curry with loads of meaty chicken. TOTALLY MY TYPE. wheeee!!

then my mum made salad. which was good to indulge in after you start to feel guilty.
i didn't even touch the longan and sea cucumber drink. =((((

wine was everywhere. but wine ain't really my cup of tea. the smell is familiar though. abstain!

played with sparkles for the fun of it.



mine on the left, sis on the right.



i look crazily delirious. siaodingdong.

otahs. fishballs fishcakes hotdogs sotongs satays.
i cannot think anymore.
the end of the bbq thingy turned out the same like the others.
HAHAHAHHA. distribution of food.

everyone took back a little of something. :D

talked a lot during the thing with my aunties and cousins.
it's funny how we're all almost grown up and they still see me like a kid.
how 2nd aunt says i'm still very boyish and resemble her.
how i don't usually talk to my cousin but i still did today. she has matured, unlike how i used to think.

life's funny.
open mind, peaceful night.
irony, because the atmosphere was definitely far from "peace", but still friendly, warm and filled with love.

neglects: my grandpa and the maid.

i feel bad actually. after i realised.
my grandpa is so quiet. i felt bad for not conversing with him.
he didn't use to be like this. i miss how he'll give me sweets secretly to prevent my stricter grandma from scolding. i miss how he'll guffaw outloud.
i miss my younger grandpa.

but i wish he'll take better care of his health.
love him, i love my grandma too.
but sometimes i cannot voice that love out adequately.
this: i'm ashamed.

i'm starting to open my mind more after reading the book. still in the introduction chapters. but it's really enlightening. deep thought.

shall try to finish it. =(
------

cutie2 stuff reaching next week by mail! :)

byebye. plonking at clementi tml. might be cutting hair.

Friday, August 10, 2007

swollen feet-

although i got to see pretty fireworks(not as impressive as the fireworks competition held earlier).

i got stepped on.
shoved rudely.
infested with fuck-up smells from certain people.
mushed with perspiring bodies and hairy people.

and if not for my trusty backpack, i think my butt would have been groped a thousand times by those assholes.
so pissed off.
some *CENSORED* even grabbed my shoulders and shoved me forward. HELLO!!!! I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND OK. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME LIKE YOU KNOW ME.

then there was another *CENSOR CENSOR* tmdknnfuck who pushed me damn hard, stepped on my foot without apologising, and continued pushing WHILE KNOWING THAT I CANNOT FREAKING MOVE BECAUSE THERE WAS NO SPACE AT ALL.

i roared and i shoved back.
kaobei stupid *CENSOR CENSOR*

i was surrounded by all of them today!!!!
ARGHHHH.

shall not comment. but nehneh and i managed to find some standing spot amongst the pricky pink flowers and watch the stupid parade from afar.
stood there for about 2 hours. KNNBCCB.
i got cramps straightafter.
grrrr.

the entire human traffic system was screwed up.
everyone was shoved in a particular direction, then told that the dumbass exit was sealed off and WE HAD TO TURN AROUND AND RETRACE OUR STEPS TO FIND ANOTHER EXIT.
like seriously.

i couldn't help it.
i think i've cussed and swore a million times today.
intentionally or not, i meant some and was just mad at other times.

i've a good mind to voice my dissatisfaction about certain singaporeans;
but singaporeans will always be singaporeans.
and i met some rude french people too.
WTF.
damn spoil mood ok. GO SQUEEZE INTO THE STUPID PRICKLY FLOWERS LAH. so damn irritating.
don't know what's their problem.

bad experience squeezing.
but it got...............after a while.
left later after the crowd had dispersed a bit.
finally arrived at 7-11 to chiong brainfreeze.
damn thirsty.
wanted to get to the mrt. EXIT BLOCKED BY HUMAN SARDINES.
re-routed. rotted at food republic. i suggested we dirnk some tomyum soup(sudden craving) and so we had.
OMGOMG THE TOMYUMSOUP THERE IS HEAVENSSSSS.
-beams.

called a cab and got home.


tml is tuitioning cuzzie, then meeting up with buyer to pass her stuff, then plonking at the centre.
boo.

lazy to take pics in that fucked up environment. but the fireworks were ok, not splendid, but ok.
and the jellyfish really looked dumb.



camwhoring AFTER the ndp show. when we finally had air to breathe.





the jellyfishes. got one bigbig one didn't light up. LAME SHIT.



it's blurred. but that jellyfish next to the merlion is supposedly nehneh's bro's one.



nehneh.



swollen feet.



ok lights.


to conclude, i think it really was a dumb decision to go check out the fireworks along with the crowd.
i must have been possessed.
it DID contibute to the once-in-a-lifetime thingy, but still.......
i was huffing mad half the day.

not worth it. i feel wrinkly again.

loads to get done.
why are the hols so short?
=(

my thighs are rock hard now.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

smoothness is good.

MUAHAHAHAHHA.

okok, fast forward to like 1 hour ago, i did my lavender mask FINALLY.
god, my skin is tmd smooth now can.
i feel blissful and loved.
HAHAHAHAHAH.

i'm radiatingggggg!!!

ok, ignore me. i think i gonna stock up on masks liao. kaozzz.
revitalise my dead skin.
-beams


cutie stuff are here.
think i'm selling off a few pieces.
BAHHH.

early noon nehneh woke me up from my beauty sleep.
kaoz. then i bathing keep press doorbell.
damn spoil mood can.
BOOOOO.
went JE to catch a movie supposedly.
SOLD OUT. like WTFFFF.
that jay chou's secret lah.
lame shit.
so we walked around JEC. my god. that place has evolved since my school days man.
grow older le.

ate at some korean mini restaurant.
not bad the food.
massive helping.
couldn't finish.
nehneh is zai.

HEH.

bought a pretty mini shift dress at.......SECRET.
LOL.
my god. it looks expensive.
and it makes me feel pretty.
=))))

wheewhee.
tml is national day.
shall go out and take a little walk with nehneh.
picturessss!
=))))

reading blink by malcolm gladwell.
it's insightful, i feel.

time to upgrade my brain.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

WHEE WHEE BOM BEE BEE.

I'M SO HAPPY. EXPLAINS MY CAPS!!!! (AND EXCLAIMATION MARKS)


i'm not going to touch my books for 2 weeks.
PUI PUI PUIIIII.

enough torture. i'm gonna momentarily remove myself from all the pain and over expectations i created by me.

sounds crazy? yups, that's me.

no more perfect gpa.
no more DL.
no more full marks for everything.
at least i'm trying.

never liked studying, will never.
but i make do.
boo. it's all the process.
soon, soon, i will be freed.
soon, i will seek life; the one i want.


it's gonna be work, training (for the impossible 42km. i will psycho myself to learn qi kong and float on air.) and going out with loves.
-BEAMS-
enjoy life for 2 weeks also shuang.

exams were pretty shitty.
it's always shitty when i don't know how to do more than 5 Qs. or uncertainties.

i'll never learn to trust my first instincts.
dammit. i really should.

blink phenomena.

kaoz.

past is past.
just secure me decent enough grades.
i still wanna see the DL.

bye bye.
lavender mask.
sleeping without bothering when to wake up.
and why why love, finally!

post with pics coming up, when i'm free and bored.
-grins.
stay tuned.
damn..........insightful.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

few minutes.

could make my decision.

i guess, it's the wrong person at the wrong time.

so pissed.
chickens.
it's not that i am not accepting.
i just don't see why.

i never imagined i would feel this way.
utmost disappointment.
i got that clear sign, sure.

but right now, i wish i could just disappear.
let me be gone.
i give up.


forever the replacement.
forever the lost.
forever doesn't exist.

looks like the curse still lives on.


all i wanna do is just break it.


why? WHYYYYY?

-sigh-

hates.



Helenanana... has left the conversation.

MZ says:
bye
MZ says:
tmd my bye lag


of course, there are still LB in my life despite the lous JBs.
ha.
those keep me alive.
thanks.

random musings.

i wanna update with tons of pictures of crazy tawning session at abs.
and whine about how i hate studying.
how i dread exams.
how my gpa is gonna fall like mad.
how i get super turned off by mgq and you.

and how you failed to msg me.
no more jb.
=((((

perhaps it's just a forgettable time.

lacking sleep.
lacking brains.
lacking shit.
constipated.


then there's the msn exotic chat online.
because we all so burnt.
brain dead.
brain spoilt.
gee.
contents CANNOT be exposed.
HAHAHAHAHHA.

drop me a sign please. a clear, unambiguous, consistent one.
tired of speculating.
tired of being on tenterhooks.
i want you.
wait, maybe i don't.



nehneh is my advocate devil.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

znggg. everyone LOVES pictures.

another mix of good and bad things in one day. balancing out life.

stress is building up, and pimples are popping out. indictors mans...i have a huge swollen one on the left of my back. KNN. painnnn.

ok, let's talk about jing bao things first.

1) pon mgq halfway and went to bugis. did some stuff. had ab's birthday meal celebration before she went for her interview. whee. nice food i say! ma maison! bugis village. hope you loved it girl! :)

think i'm becoming a bad student. haizzzz. very very very badddd. and we always have unplanned outings. grrr. still....

a few pics first. before nehneh uploads those in her phone.



nice cosy interior. loves english quaint-ness feel plus a blend of west-asia fushion. ohhhh. helped that the waitors and waitresses and cooks are quite good looking. =))))




hanging pots and pans reminded me of fairytale stories. minus the part where pots would fall on mz's head cos' she's sitting under them.




damn cool table lamp which reminds me of those old old shows. HAHAHAH




THAT IS OUR TABLE TAG. we were supposed to bring the tags there for billing. damn cool. DAMN HEAVY.




ain't this picture pretty? =))))

funny how there's no pics of food right? the food came, and all of us were so in awe of it; we gobbled everything up and forgot to take pics. so when abs left and we decided to have brownie with ice-cream, we said we'll take the pics for our dessert.

brownie came. brownie left.
no pictures. oops.

pigs.

2) shopped. big big hole. cannot imagine mans. and i decided to pay my outstanding sprees beforehand so that one day shock dao wan. HAHAHAHHA. (means one day just tahan all the shocks) boooos.

but...

3) boss jh called to tell me i have tuition from wednesday to sunday, EVERYDAY.
i will cry. i will. and i totally have no time to study. seriously. i will flunk finals. WHY DO I ALWAYS FLUNK FINALS????

at least it means money for me.
but i'm losing my balance. haiz.

4) mz's hands still move damn fast.



5) alot of unglam pics. school makes us mad. COMPILATION.



plain retarded. i look bo gei.



self-timer rocks.



er. guess who? correct no prize, sorry.



SERIOUSLY SCHOOL OF RETARDED. MY GODDDD. unglam maxxxx. kaoz. and i don't know why. it's supposed to be paul twohill rendition. HAHAHAHAH.



errrr. hi meow? she thinks it's ultra cool to pose like that.



ah ha! abs caught unglam!!! whee whee.




he doesn't know.




ignore my spastic face. but yea, now he knows. HAHAHAHAHHA.




not-paying-attention-in class evidence serial number 249835493849.



i have no idea why she um chio until like that. tskkkk. JAB.



guess who. no prizes again.




er. that's my grandma lee peipei. lao ren chi dai.




RANDOM.



my favourite brand of milk.



the old school emos rock.



scandalous finger massaging in class. TSK.




i love cam whoring with my legs. HAHAHAHA




errrrr. nehneh acting cute??

5) i signed up for this year's standard chartered run. 42km run. please, if you are damn free, pray for my safety, both going and coming back. zzzznggg.

it's time to start training... AND MARSHY AND WHITE ASS, I"M WARNING YOU GUYS AGAIN: NO PANGSEH. NO ABANDONMENT.

booosss. =( i will not be running that competitively. more of a test of endurance. 2nd december. still got time........

6) sorry for not inviting you guys to my wedding.....but....I GOT MARRIED!



to two spikey cacti hubbies. ZNNGGG. photography courtesy of abs. HAHAHAHAHA. gross. fuckkkkk.
still. suan leee.

PLS PS PLS. I DO NOT LIKE CACTUS. arghhh.

7) i cannot remember what other jing bao things i have recently.
too much has happened and it's really scary. sighs. coping.
and hoping.

please let me pull through.
i'm dying slowly. painfully.
until i no longer can feel.


HAHAHAHHA. my bag has been posted out! can't wait to see my bag. hope it's damn gorgeousss. whee whee.