chicken.

leaving the house in like 45mins to meet abbas and jj for er.."s27" outing. as usual, not much left. hmmm, i wonder how the guys are doing. sighs. first 3 months were prolly the best days of jc life minus the cca and ocip part. but i guess(ed? HAHAHAHHA) things do change. so does people.

anyway, esl was ok. phew. glenda made some complimenting remarks, which is good in my view, but her last part about "artisit" is damn huhpee. HAHAHAHA. oh wells, i am a budding artist eh? =D

bus-ed to bugis on slowpoke 61 with laomeow insisting her legs very long, hence kiao-ka-ing her leg for the entire ride. reached finally, and the good weather turned not so good, while bugis was close to being dead.
didn't buy much, thank god.

headed to orchard for second stop. bought a tee from depression. i think their stuff is quite rebel. i like. :) shall head there soon when i have more cash.

i still cannot find my boots, am close to giving up. =(

i think i might be getting a backpack soon. my back is aching from all those beepo heavy books that will make me curse non-stop. but 60bucks for one, is it too steep?
hmmmm. still thinking, but tempting indeed. to rest my shoulders. it's pretty rebellious in sense of style, which works fine, because like meow says, it will tone down the outfit ultimately.

my poor poor feet.

i'm so tired now, but i guess a promise is a promise, and i must make it to the outing, because pangseh-ing is just bad.




i feel like sleeping.
i've so much work undone.
i feel fucked.

if sorry-s could solve everything, i think i would say hundreds of them.
but they don't.
i refuse to think about what to do next, because i really am mentally and physically tired.
i hate it that i am crushed with everything, yet i am just shrugging everything off.

i just want to keep running away.
but i need to start bucking up.
i can feel myself slacking like mad. seems like the fuel in me is running low.

i still want to sleep.




feeling blue. encased in shadows. this world i fail to phantom. because i keep hiding from the threats. because i keeo running from the uglies. because i deceive myself into believing this world is beautiful with perfect nice little people. how naive.

keeping that little faith helps. but it also proves my stupidity.

because humans are evil by nature.
it's so easy to be a bitch, but so hard to be an angel.
maybe i should start being a bitch.

i doubt i have much energy to hyper when i meet the guys. =(



drowning alone. head down. forlorn.

i don't really care. but yet i want to care. tension of opposites.
i just want to sleep now.

the whole world is exhausted. not just you.
we just manage to keepthat smile on our faces.
don't piss me off.
i try so hard to be nice, yet it all backfires.
maybe i really should stop being nice to you, you and you.
it's worth nothing in this world.

what you say, people don't listen.
what they say, treat it as rubbish. i think this is how the world revolves.

because the hurt becomes worse when it comes from someone you care.

or maybe familiarity breeds contempt.

i just cannot stand perfectionistic ideals.
everything becomes this or that, never in between.
it's either right or wrong, never neither.
and you're good, or your're not.

the sky is turning darker by the minute.
as does the feeling of wanting to stay home.


one of simple life's rules that i believe in: do not do unto others what you wish not to be done to you.

vaguely speaking, we tend to be blind to ourselves.

zhng.

i want this hair, i'm not entirely sure yet.


maths and mgq. BLAHHHH.
went town afterwards. got a mag from kino and walked around town. HAHAHHA. saw this sweater form -gasp- giordano. erm. men's section. SIAN. HAHAHAHA. but i still tried it. really nice, so i bought it. AND I DON'T BUY STUFF FROM THERE ONE.

oh wells. it's getting more and more ex lah. but nvm, i guess it's pretty worth the money. =( shall spend lesser.

i ought to start getting a good camera. damn, i love taking pics, not only of myself ok. i'm pretty good at artistic shots ok!
considering i'm using a lanpongs 1.3mp camera phone. so HINT HINT, i would love a pink colour super slim camera around 8.2mp. HEHEH. i shall go search for the exact brand, functions and picture. weeee.

ok some of my "works":

sepia. it's all in the nails.

negative.


things would have been nice without abs phone and ah meow's BRUISE. sibei obvious leh. her or chei very qiang.

at first she ok one.


then she started to drown. SEE LAH, DAYDREAM TOO MUCH. hiakpui. (but you are like me lah, AHH GUI GUIIII!)


i like this one. love black and whitessss. :)

if you look harder, the trees are purple. cool eh? :)



ok. and some other zhng-ed ones.

first we haveeeeee....



nice? i like it. simple.

then...
abs will kill me, BUT:



HAHAHAHAH. will you save me? i have an active laopo(or ex?).

then...hiakpui will certainly kill me. CONFIRM. classic though. :)

sorry lao jie.

ehhhhhh....my favourite of all times SO FAR.

HAHAHAHAHHA.
fuck. i'm a dead girl.

anyway, i'm quite tired, so shall not blog much. other pics for other days. :)
tata.
ILGG.

behind enemy lines;

look deeper, and you could perhaps find out the culprit behind those prints.
the further you look,
the nearer it actually is.

why, behind those smiles,
a devil is lurking.

who are you really?
can i trust you with my secrets?
can i even trust you?

leaked secrets.
open loopholes.

you are no longer you.
or maybe i was blind to that phony.

those years apart, i really don't know you.

we are different.
yes.

now i know why.

poles apart.
even when i convince myself to close that gap.
just be careful.
people whom you think you trust, are just liars beneath.

integrity buys nothing in this world.
honesty is of no value.
deception and lies.
masks and facades.

who are you really?
you, you and you?

i'm tired of looking deeper.
each layer i unravel,
the hurt stabs me again and again.

deep down inside, i hate you.
i do.

food for thought.

as i watch the dispute, i think and think.

when there is no common ground, it is impossible to see each other's point of view.
we are not forced to do anything, neither are we forced to study anything(ok maybe stupid modules here and there).
but i believe most of us have enough brains to choose to study in this course and degree, instead of listening to our parents and supposedly be good girls and boys and come study in this uni.

i chose myself.
i believe in making decisions for yourself.
don't give excuses you have no choice. EVERYONE HAS CHOICES.
even if you claim that you don't, i believe we all have the sense to MAKE THE BEST OUT OF EVERY SOLUTION. we are not kids already, am i right?

fallacy of helplessness?
seeing yourself as victim all the time will only turn people off and make people run away from you(quoting from noodle's lecture). then you'll know something is wrong with you.


i do not see myself as any race specifically, but yet people might assume that i do.
i do not discriminate, nor do i make mean remarks on people who do not offend me.
some people are simply too caught up defending for themselves, being trapped in a little mini world of their own.
it only makes me wonder, maybe, just maybe, i am trapped in my little world too?
but hey, if i don't remember wrongly, i think you insulted me first.
on the basis of...let me see...nothing.

i did not blow the issue out of proportion. i only kept my distance.
who in her right mind would test her luck again and tread on the toes of those who slammed her and criticised her like she was worth nothing but shit?
thanks alot, but no thanks.
you showed me who you were, and i took it as it is.
even if you were mad, or misunderstood, i think controlling your temper is something you should learn to do someday or another.

i could have exploded and lashed back at you.
i could have.


i don't seem to face any problems regarding my colour of skin.
i don't see myself as yellow.
neither do i treat others as black or erm..brown?
i see everyone as who they are in person, not just their physical traits.
i find it sad that people keep labeling themselves as indians(and feel that they are discriminated against or treated unfairly) and slam others for being yellow-skinned chinese.

i mean, we are ALREADY who we are. no one chose into which race or culture we are born into, do we?
harping on this issue again and again is not going to change all "yellow-skinned" people into something else. the way they behave is a fact already. besides, not all of them behave in the same way, if you realise.

let's just say you are biased towards a certain group, a certain few individuals.
no one can judge you as who you are, neither can you judge others as who they are.
so, stop emphasizing the irony of your words, when it simply slaps back at you for appearing foolish.
i think religion should have taught you something, if i don't recall wrongly.
debilitative emotions indeed.
my advice? avoidance.


we should start loving ourselves and others more, instead of concentrating on minor details here and there.
circling on common topics repeatedly without any progress on it, complaining nonstop about fallacy of shoulds is not going to solve problems.

so stop it. open your eyes and TRY to look at the world in another perspective.
be kinder on your perspectives. be reasonable. be open.

no one is perfect.
i believe cliques must exist.
it's proven that no one can be CLOSE friends with everyone else in the world.
surely, there are things such as similar frequencies and wavelengths, easily chatted on topics and conversations that flow naturally instead of forced and thought on carefuly before speaking.
it's plain torturous.

even if you insist that chinese cliques are stupid whatsoever, i believe you have your clique of your own. your view of the students in sim here is simply too narrow. how would you know that they don't have friends of other races outside this school? having 5 days a week in our campus is going to restrict you to seeing them as they are, HERE. so stop blaming them as if you were a saint and someone godly enough to judge people on the surface and on the basis of what you SEE of them.

we all know that jumping into conclusions on first impressions is inaccurate. halo effect or devil effect. we all study these and we should know all too well.

i think at this age, we should be mature enough to handle it in a way that stops short of being childish and narrow-minded.

everyone has dreams and aspirations. no one is same as the one next to him or her.
the only difference is whether they reveal it to YOU or not.


overgeneralizations.
inaccurate assumptions.
harsh remarks and criticisms of people.
i find it unfair.
i only kept quiet because i believe everyone has the right to voice their opinions. so here i am, voicing mine.

somethings which ARE ALREADY MEANT TO BE, WILL STAY.
stop indulging in fallacy of shoulds and should nots. if you really hate it, WORK to leave.
this world is not perfect. nothing is. accepting it is just going to help liberate us. life's low, life's difficult. so it remains. the way you manage it, the way you approach it is the way out of it.


ok, i've had my share of words for now.
i mean no harm, neither am i involved in anything you are assuming now.
perhaps i wish life had been easier on you, and you are one who is able to take these in stride and only emerge stronger, more open-minded, mature and understanding. but i am wishing for things that will not happen.
so, i've accepted.

that lone leaf.
that silent breeze.
hand in hand, they rise into the sky.
empty blues, vast whites.
beyond eternity, the leaf whispers.
beyond boundaries, the wind replies.

addict.

i'm an addict. shopping addict.
just kill me already.

haizzz.
my money will never be enough to support me habits(or buys).
i'm so fucking dulan.

and i hate it when nehneh can go out shopping on days i have to work late into the nights.
SO DULAN.
then she tell me she bought like $200-$300 worth of stuff.
=( i'm officially damn sads.
i hate nehneh mama and gay papa.
haizzzz.


friday.

so much in between.
hope i will survive.
byebye.

hiakpui.

3:16am

i'm online.
trying to read my coms 217, but failing terribly.
online shop sites are dominating my attention.
i need to go offline. need.

slept approximately 14 hours worth.
HAHAHAHA.
i can be champion for any sleeping competition mans.
could have concussed longer, but mama complained.

went for a good run. saw pear, but don't intend to stop, so a wave and smile was god enough. damn, miss those sec sch days.

got a reasonable tan while cooling off at the poolside.
hot hot day. sunny.
but i can't get tanned. i need longer periods of time.
shall find time.

random chatting online.
been long since i was flooded.
don't intend to be flooded.
long lost contacts.
will i ever talk to them again?
will they ever double click on me to say a hi?


things have changed.
i am scared. was?
maybe i should start letting go.
what's meant to be will be. that's what they always say.

ate alot today.
i love bao-s. favs.
all except rou bao.
my third uncle was nice and cooked dau suan for me yest nite. yums.
he knows i love it. hehe. :)


there's a moth flying about in my house.
mama and papa tell me that moths represent people we love coming back to visit us.
i remember.
is it true?

i never saw that grandpa i had.
but yet, i hardly see grandparents i have now.
irony of it all. humans.
me.


i need to conquer the coming week.
so much.
6 quizzes.
before i die, suck my blood dry.


it's 3:20am now.

i'm thinking, and not thinking.
i wonder what i am thinking.
i don't think the way i used to already.

3:21am.
i spent one minute thinking about what i was thinking about.

hmmmm.
outta here.

like finally.

i painted my nails black again.
i did my right hand nicer than those on my left.
irony is i'm a right-hander. blah.

oh, i forgot to mention that i saw wong li-lin and allen wu with their two beautiful kids at ecp cycling yesterday. fucking stunned.

i mean when you are like slowly cruising along on your blades, then this guy on a bike comes along with a freaking hot bod and chiselled good looks, WITH a baby sitting on this mini car infront of him. I LOOK. like seriously stared.

then i doubled over.
before i could do anything, i saw THE WIFE.
which is the ultimate hot god mama of this age.
with another baby. -insert peng msn emoticon-

all i could do was "EH FUCK GHOST GHOST!!! DID YOU SEE THAT???!!!"
and she sailed right past.
-_-'''



anyway, that was the only exciting encounter for the entire day.
would have been better if i saw elvin ng or something.
=( but he likes older women. pui!

xg is best. ah gui gui. HAHAHAHHAHA.
i'm so gone.
bring me back to reality.
send me my ah gui gui.



was watching FD2 right before i began blogging. seriously.
if death has a cycle, and those who skip it, or cheat death are on this list, then which list am i on?
considering i almost got knocked down by a few cars, i should have cheated death quite a bit. okkkk, NOW i'm worried.

damn.

at least let me die pretty. HAHAHAHAHA.

surfing online for clothes inspiration.
wished i could buy clothes online as easily as my petite counterparts.
dman i hate being an elephant sometimes.
GIVE ME A PLUS SIZE SHOPPPP.

haizzz.
i freaking have to chop off/break 1/2 of the bones in my body to fit into those gorgeous clothes.
fuck it. hate it.
forget it.

in case people wanna smack me again, i'll just say it.
i AM fat. and if you don't believe. just approach me.
i confirm will show you all the fats i have in my body.
pui!
so sads.


ok i'm done for today.
fell asleep hundreds of times in one bus ride, KOed on the mrt and almost slpt on this lao ah pek's shoulder(PENG) and napped while standing and waiting for the bus home. i'm zai. admit it. i sleep everywhere i go.

i find myself compromising.
and i hate myself for it.
but i simply have no energy to do what i wish to do.
or be the person i used to be.

ambulance sirens in the distance.
this ambulance just sped by my house.
weird.
signing off.

kiss me sweet.
kiss me tender.
the moon will sigh.
the stars will blush.
as we shift in time,
the moments we share is timeless.
with you, time stops.

diet and exercise.

went rollerblading after esl.
esl sucked. i'm hating every moment of it.

i'm sick of pretty a lot of things.
you.

if things are meant to be this way,
if this is how you want it,
if this is what i mean/meant to you,
then so be it.

i'm just going to take it that i'm STILL a bad judge of character.

i still cannot see through liars.
i still cannot help but be nice to people who are nice to me.
i cannot help it but life's low.
and you are too.

leave me alone.
loner.

doing so much for nothing.


rollerblading was ok.
sweated it out.
ghost is ultra nice though, irritating.
the bus ride to bedok on 66 was duperrrrrrrrrrrrrr long. slept, fell aslp, still haven't reach. -_-
cabbed from bedok to ecp.
weather was good.

ghost insisted we must go SSC to eat our dinner.
so we waited like idiots for taxi outside macs.
everyone seemed to think taxi was free.
keep kenna stolen. SO I PEKCEK. TAKING TAXI IN EAST MUST BE RUTHLESS.
so i fuck it and cut queue. went all the way to the front where the taxis all seem to stop and finallyyyy GOT ONE.
phew. heck lah. so many ppl jump my queue, i deserve it.

ghost nice nice treat me.
eye-opener mans, that place.
:)
ok lah, overall it's quite fun.

took a super cold bus home.
he asked me make him dun fall aslp.
so i tell joke lor. cold joke.
then he said he felt colder.
stupid. and kept suan-ing me for being short.

feels good to have an outing with nothing.
it's been long since i felt like this.
at least he's not like you.
or you.

i still don't feel happy. and i dread the week ahead.
so much to do. so little time.

so tired.
long long day ahead.
think i might go for run tml.
jian fei really aint easy.
fuckkkk.
pekcek liao.

living in idealism is much better than reality.
but i gotta get out some day.
give me that someone.
give me xg.

washing machine.

starting on a relatively cheery note before i start my senseless ramblings. they keep me going.


i'm thrown in, scrubbed clean, turned upside down, then up again, and hung out to dry. i feel like i was in a washing machine. fuck life.

life's low.

i'm serious.
stop stalking this place. stop haunting it and hiding behind those curtains and veils. stop fucking pretending you are oh-so-fucking-great when you're not. fallacy of perfection. fallacy of approvals. no one is going to love you more when they see that mask fall apart.

i'm feeling uber pekcek today, and don't ask me why. DON'T EVEN BLOODY SPECULATE.

friendship is such a funny thing. trust, so easily misplaced. as usual, i've misjudged. good deeds breed nothing but more problems. being so nice benefits nothing. it's all gonna be shit shit shit and more shit for myself.
i've had enough.
i'm gonna be placing shit at a public distance.

this hidden warfare i'm not ready to fight. i'm not prepared to sacrifice my principles and happiness. if you are, congratulations.

one day, the wheel revolves and hits home.
space leap me away.



i'm so pekcek i could K anyone right now. but i shall not, cos' i'm demure, and erms, demure. (obviously lying through my teeth. metaphoric speech ok.)

leave me alone. leave us alone.

stop reading words as they are. so inferring too much into them.

read between the lines.
can you see my vital signs?
i'm prepared to walk this road alone.
darkness envelopes;
world spinning;
i'm feeling dizzy as
things are flake apart.

i knew things go smoothly for a reason. some bloody fucked up problem will plop from the sky machiam birdshit.

i live life as simply as i can. it's complicated enough without me trying to complicate things.

spelling today with the kids. exasperation. new kids. finally talked to mr-zero-everytime-for-spelling-guy. made him learn tactics to learning spelling. then testing him a few words. advised him like super long. persuaded him and opened his fragile little heart. yes, i have a new best friend. he promised to study hard. he promised to pass his next spelling. i shall see whether my powers are zai enough not.



random picture of ab. not common.

i had my saviors of the day. thank god for caring and understanding peeps at the centre. can always rely on them to tahan my ARGHHHHS and ROARRRRR on bad days. chocolates for cheering up ended up in jh's stomach. HA. but thought appreciated.

:)

i love wy and our bickerings. it's bloody hilarious of suan her then try to run out of her grasp. both of us will end up laughing our heads off. =D

isn't it all about jack and the beansprout? things bloom and grow; evil and tainted ignorance.

my world is still spinning. i think i'm really fuck tired. after 3 hours of sleep today. i'm pretty godly now.



look, i'm amidst white fluffy clouds and bright lights in the background. all i'm lacking is the halo. paiseh, forgot to bring to school.

thou shall speak no further. i've left my coms in the lurch for too long.
it's gonna be a long long week, and longer week ahead the next.



my girlfriend.


go on, spy.
if it delights you.
reminder AGAIN: don't read too much.

online quizzes.

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!

Your strength: Your self sufficiency

Your weakness: You despise authority

Your power color: Maroon

Your power symbol: Hammer

Your power month: July

------
did some online quiz about birthdays and personality given by nehneh the dominatrix.
rather accurate. the loner part, not sure about the drawn to you part though. i am on an island most of the time, and i feel quite sad for myself.

my god. my power sign is a hammer sia. better go find more hammer stuff. POWER SEHHHH.

self-sufficiency isn't the best way to go. and yes, i despise authority. meaning i despise nehneh and her dua nehneh. HAHAHAHAH. okkkkk. i dun despise her. erm, maybe sometimes when she fucking wanna dominate the world liddat.

ok the link-- http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

the lightning is streaking across the sky again. no thunder though. hmmm.
i finally got that dress, and another. stopped short of getting ANOTHER. fuckkkk.
and suspenders my love. it's so chic. red leather and all. yums.

haiii. don't ask me why i'm going all kawaii style now. perhaps it struck me that i don't have many year left to dress in alternative shit and get away with it. i see those pretty satin blouses and sleek bottoms, then i think of the years ahead when i have to don those everyday.

so fuck it, let me play with styles right now.

what will come will come, so be daring, and if people wanna stare, so be it. it's fun.

ok, i got my fair share of sleep today. think the next few days won't be getting much anyway. sian.

i need money lah. and i need to jian fei. i don't know why my weight can't drop. haiz. fatty bombom.

the north star will point me in the right direction, i hope.

smoothness to be damned.

i look damn stressed. i think i was doing stats with nehneh breathing down my back. TSK. that week really rendered me crazy. BLAHHH.

everything seems to be going too smoothly i suspect something's up. i'm kinda scared. you see, smoothness indicates fishy-ness.

oh wells. my dress. :) YES I WAS WEARING SHORTS. hahahah. i thought i could try on a new look since my hair will be staying for sometime. save money.
it's fun to try on new looks. versatility is damn exciting.
takes guts to pull it off though.

i gotta do something about the les factor though. or not very hard to help nehneh bluff that guy. TSK.



i kinda miss those spikes and streaks.

no lesson tml. SEE, this is what i mean by TOO SMOOTH. cos' i haben fucking study 225. HA.
going bugis to get that lusted after dress. blahhhhhhh.

i'm spending way too much. but that's the only way i feel in touch with the society and people outside. my life's consumed by school and work, i realised. it's sad, but that's the way things are. going to get worse only. abs today told me about the six-by-six thingy for next sem. KILL ME CAN. haiz.

shall try my best for this sem first. fucking stressed. but things will be alright. faith faith faith.

oh, won't you go star gazing with me?
if only i could see more clearly.
are there only going to be more blatant stares?
give me my xiao gui.
silent hopes.
yet i'm fine alone. i just need some spice.
something tantalising.

elephantthighs.

pretty nice shot in my opinion. this is why i love huge ass full length mirrors. that's meow's and my legs by the way.

woke up on sunday morning by an sms from my aunt. I FUCKING FORGOT I HAD TO MAKE UP FOR LAST SAT'S TUITION. sian. dragged myself outta bed and to cck just for 2 hours worth of work. then dragged myself home. went for a run. sweated it out. feels good. toxic release.

i'm going to fucking lose my bet. i haven't loss much. shitsssss.

came home slacked around and i decided to relieve those neo prints from my wallets. fucking alot. since the pictures were making my wallet fat(instead of money making it fat), i decide to paste those uber small ones into a mini fossil notebook. THERE. my wallet is much slimmer now. though the bigger pics are still unpasted.

yes, i wasted my time. i'm super zai. so i compensated by reading my com217 till like 2plus 3am. FUCKKKK. i KO-ed and was ultimately wasted from all those words again. when words and objects start to sway infront of you, you know you are due for bed.

didn't get my sunday's worth of sleep. haiz. i'm semi-charged. finished watching hana kimi though. sighs. happy endings are yearned for, but full of shit.

haven't caught any movie recently. quite sadssss.

i need to find a day to pop down bugis to get that dress i regret not buying last friday. BLAHHHH.

think friday may be out of the question cos' i promised ghost to go blading with him this week. haiz. unglam-ness suckssss. but still, a promise is a promise. besides, it's good to beautify the legs. HAHAHAHAHA.

i see the polaris and the north star every night. it's calming. at least i have some direction now. life's tough, but tomato's right. i must learn to have faith and believe in myself. things will go right sooner or later. work for things i want, and i may just have them.

lol. though i think jia ru hao men is damn bo liao. -girns.

i think i've recovered. i think i'm cleansed. 2 months off alcohol and i'm pretty much healthy.

what do you perceive of me?

then and now.

people have changed indeed. for the better or for the worse.

i miss the good old days, but things will never be the same again.

communication events cannot be replicated.

perhaps i should be thankful it happened before.

those white sneakers with skullhead laces.

tainted evil. hidden chasity.

look deeper, and maybe you'll see me smiling wickedly.

because what goes around comes around.

i'm just waiting for the retribution.

yours.

oh?

tuitioned. HAHAHAH. enjoyable day. more new kids. tsk. boyssss. monkeys rather.

"wah, jielin is always very jing bao one!"

"you going ballet ah?"

-_-'''


HAHAHAHHA.
anyway, today is another pretty happy day.
lugged around a bottle of wine from aust. for noodle's bbq door gift. politeness nehneh says.
damn heavy, i say.


rotted and roamed bukit timah while waiting for stupid neh(squared) to come after bathing her dog with ERHEM. BISHHH!!!!
stoned. hahaha. blatant stares again. i'm so used to staring back at them. i think i'm rude. who cares.


noodle's bbq was good. food was good. BURGERS! WTF. this is so american. god, release i say. :)
and i am seeing him in new light. true lah, i used to hold much too prejudices.
gasp. so many SIM lecturers there. kevin also there. jill peters also. tsk.

okkkk. i'm happy because of one reason lah. lao neh will know.
hehe. i'm so honoured by those compliments really.
so paiseh mans.

but i really appreciate those kindly words. made my day, totally.
:):):):):)
oulsen? i'll say it's too much for me to uptake.

when we finally left, tomato sent us to SIM bus stop to take bus. SO NICE LAH. -grins.
then laoneh scared of some mutts, called me to talk to me and keep her company. TSK.
i'm finally home.
lacking sleep. i will kill sunday. HAHAHA.

i still want xiao gui.
and i want some love.

happy friday.

today is a happy day.

i feel released from hell, but i shall have to enter it soon.



it's tuition and tuition. then bbq at the noodle's place.

sighhh. i really don't feel like going, but everyone is going, so if i don't go i think it's not very nice, so i shall go.



went bugis and i freaking spent wayyyy too much. SOBS.

nevermind, i invested in girly tops aka dresses and leggings. though i couldn't find my slouchy black plain leather boots.

hmmm. think i might have to source for more expensive alternatives then. it's so hard to find the perfect ones.





shopkeepers are nice as usual. i wonder why.

ultra friendly and makes conversations.

damn. i love those HK shops there. the quality in clothing is so vast from those ahlian shops side by side. BUT ITS BLOODY EX. but worth it.

I WANT TO GO HK OR TAIWAN. BEST IS BOTH. JAPAN ALSO CAN?

haiiiii.



hahahahha. and a shopkeeper said i looked like i was from HCJC. HAHAHAH. they thought nehneh and i were still in JC. (: (beaming) we look young eh? =D



(still beaming)

i'm trying another alternative route. please don't think i'm weird again. i like to experiment. whether you like it or not is another thing.



i think more than 10 people BLATANTLY stared at my boots today.

oh wells. yes i'm odd ok. i'm different.

so what?



:) i'm more inspired to lose that tummy.

wearing clothes without that tummy is so.....WEEEEEE.



MET MONICA LONG XUELING TODAY LIKE FINALLY.

god i miss her like madddddd.

MUACK MUACKKKK.

it's funny how you can don't meet up for super long, then when you do, the feeling of closeness is automatic. it's like never ending or stopped before.

i love her. like madddd.

:) i love you girl. :)



did what we usually are best at. NEOPRINTS. HAHAHAHAHA. mans, we are so shi bai mans. always vulnerable to the love of neoprints. =D then walked around, talked, ate at ajisan AGAIN. lol. then decided to WALK to suntec city to burn off fats. she poking my fat tummy AND SAYING I'M FAT (somethings never change), and then me jiggling her now flabby arms. HAHAHAHAHAHA.



god damn fun.

and i realised both of us really changed quite a bit.

it's like gradual. and our styles are poles apart. yet...aiya, i don't know how to say, i just love her to bits. :)




on the bus ride home, i saw a lao uncle spitting nonstop on the floor of the bus. damn grossed out. shifted as far as i could.

shall not elaborate.



anyway, on a random note, i think lao meow is really pretty. and her height and fairness makes her stand out. so now, i shall present to you, my pretty friend. unattached. while stocks last. interested please msg me. HAHAHAHAHA. (meow is so gonna kill me).

girly girls.

oh. i bought socks too. hmmmmm.

it's really jap eh? shall see how to match lahs. i'm floating on the cloud cos' today the shopkeepers all smiled so nicely and i practised good shopping habits of thanking them for minor help. i think it helps to keep service standards up. mutual effort. :) then, of cos' they all complimented me in several ways. YAYYY. i'm damn happy ok. i seldom hear compliments anymore. it's good to hear sincere ones(though i don't know whether the shopowners are or not lah, i shall deceive myself into believing they are). hehe.

so i have decided to drop sincere compliments more often on others. i really think it helps to make one's day. try it on others too! :)

there. i shall sign out now.

please keep me smiling and happy.

i want that spunky me back.

grunge chic.

brain fried.

i'm almost done, almost.
two more.
my brain is bloody fried i cannot think.
it's like multi-tasking.

and the kids. mans.
don't worry i'll survive.
whether i do well or not is another thing. HAHAHA.
oh wells.

at least i'm not at the top, no expectations to meet.
mediocre. and it's good to be less obvious.

i'm jack.

and i'm going to start terrorising the streets start this friday.
thursday i shall conquer the supermarket near my house to buy health foods.
i officially made a bet with wanyi. in two months time, i better fucking slim down more than her.
it's 20 bucks at stake. i don't wanna loseeeeee.

aiyeeee.
i'm starving now. toleranceeeee.
yes, i have more fats to burn off still.
it's like fucking reserves can.
like i said, if use fattummy jielin in streetfighter,
squeeze my tummy and oil will spurt out. can spray on the floor, so opponent will slip and fall. then you can slowly bash him up until you K.O! wooo.

better than meow powerslap.
hand so short, also cannot fly.
HAHAHAHAH.

aiii. study coms=fall aslp. so many words...i'm turning blind.

ok, digressing. i'm planning to lose like 3kg worth of fats at least. god help me.
fight that food demon within me.
i have obsolete information. no longer high metabolism rate liao. =(


YES I WILL DO IT THIS TIME ROUND.
don't tempt me.
JIELIN HAS OFFICIALLY SET HER MIND ON SOMETHING.
(ok partly cos' i don't want lose that 20bucks. i'm damn kiam)


saturday going noodles house for some unknown bbq. hope i don't get posioned. it better be fun.
yawnnn.

looking ahead. :) -beams

--

i no longer know who or what i am living for.
i find it difficult to negotiate those common grounds, especially when there is no intersecting commonalities.

so, here iam, all alone, left out.
because, just because, i'm different from the rest.

so very tired.
just struggling on. maybe the demons will never leave.
maybe it's just s futile fight to please my soul.
maybe i'll never be who i strive to be.
i just wanna give up this time round.

i'm tired of everything i do, making everyone else happy but me.


kill me, before i kill myself.
let this be the passing phase of the week.
let me redeem myself before i start to feel hate.
let me open my heart and attempt to understand the others before i start to feel contempt.
communications taught me.
i must, must try to understand.

even when fatigue hits.

because grinning as wide as that,
does not help to shelter than gloomy soul inside.

give me hope, someone, anyone.

i'm studying, and not studying.
i'm playing, and not playing.
i'm working, and not working.

unsteadiness in me.
edge of chaos.

geminis have double edged sides.

i feel the onset of the demon. whereby the paradise filled with angels have momentarily closed down for vacation.
they will be back.
i will be back.

i'm the wax.

suddenly i just don't feel like working so hard anymore.
everyday i face temptations to go out and have fun.
go out and heck care everything.
not to give a damn about results.
everyday im fighting that feeling.

it's so tiring.


i'm just that close to giving up.
because even though i can run long distances, this race against time is too exhausting.

i cannot even breathe.

fuck traumatised.
this bolt of lightning just flashed infront of my house whereby i can oversee jin tai primary school.
IT FUCKING STRUCK AN INNOCENT TREE JUST OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL.
and the poor tree "broke(?)" and craashed into the school compound.
my god.
i'm damn scared ok.
two close encounters in like 4 days?
i REALLY hate thunderstorms.


-shivers-


anyway, i came home today after like 1 hour spent waiting for bus-that-never-comes and travelling. papa told me there was earthquake in Sumatra i think. affected singapore several regions. tsktsk. then he asked me whether i felt it in school.

-_-

okkkk, let me recallllll.
see, since beng was sitting next to me in comms, i think i only felt his shaking-leg affecting the entire table and chairs connected.
ya, so i think i din't feel any tremors. HAHAHAHA.

aiiii. damn, i feel so dead. those so dead but i lazy to care feeling.
i studied comm yesterday after reaching home from tuition. was damn tired thought i'll go sofa to lie awhile.

I FREAKING SLPT FOR TWO HOURS.
-_- until 2am liddat. then jie came to wake me up. DIAOOOOO.
shagged until i went to bed straight.

i think my comms is gone. HOW TO REMEMBER 14 CHAPTERS WORTH IS DEFINITIONS AND EVERY SHIT TO WRITE SHORT ESSAY?
arghhhh.

i finally cleared my clothes-rack aka laundry basket to dig for summer clothes today.
alot of dust can. puiiii. sneezing non-stop.
and i really need more summer clothes.
i wanna sell off my stuff. argh.
no spaceeee.

social comparison. how would i know which reference group is the most accurate?
hmmmm.

i find that i am making myself upset.


i need new sneakers before my browns fall apart mans.
rahhhh.

that obsession about travelling. saving. but that temptation for buying.
my dream.
but first, the camera.
then flyyyyyy.
wooooo.
it's good to have a dream to look forward to.
something to make my high just thinking about.
:)

lost and not found.

i need to find back that spunk.

give me back myself.

emo;

is subjective.
somehow these days, i no longer possess the energy to try to be hyped up about anything. everything is rushed through. one after another. breathe, exhale, breathe, exhale.

routines. things to do. responsibilities to hold. tasks to complete. targets to meet.

see, it's not that i no longer wish to go out. i appreciate the fact that people still do ask me out. yet, i seldom find the chance to ACTUALLY make the timing. either i'm having class, having to pia for a test or exam, having to complete my assignments, or having to tuition.

i'm tired of saying no.
i'm tired of feeling guilty.
because things just slip out of my mind so easily these days.

i yearn to go out and have some fun. but after a day's work, i really am so tired i just wish to go home, rest my protesting feet, give my brains some break, then gear up to revise for the quizzes next week.
no time to lose. no time to gain.
i don't even have time.

i appear to gush about hanakimi blahblah. it's just a form of release for me. to destress. to laugh about it, joke and lighten moods.
if not i would have gone crazy.

look at my eyes.
can you see my soul?
can you see it withering?
it's gonna take a long time to fight these demons.

i can see the pain in your eyes.
you cannot hide.
you tell yourself fate flows, that everything flows.
somethings just don't.
you fight and resist without knowledge of your actions and intentions.
it has becomes part of your "flow".

i've been self-monitoring myself way too much.
i've lost the context of my actions.
i've forgotten what it feels like to let go.

the only time i am free is when i am sleeping. and even that i lack.
on public transport, i try to get as much shut eye as possible.
because lack of sleep makes me angry easily. impatience.
everytime i close my eyes, i find myself never wanting to open them ever.
i find the weights getting heavier.
i find myself sinking into eternity and depths of softness.
i crave that feeling.
i feel revived, every sense, every touch, every minute detail emphasised in my sleep.


then;

i tell myself i don't care.
i tell myself i respect my decisions and am proud of them.
i tell myself to have higher self-esteem and actualization so i can feel accomplishment, so that i wouldn't be affected by these words.
today i felt that impact again.
this stigma will never be erased.
those coloured glances and euphemisms underlying.
the hidden pride beneath.

the candle wax is melting slowly.
so is my resolve.

never ever seen such a storm.

i only realised that my esl mid-term exams was held today like 6 hours before the lesson. WTF. anyway, i just hope can do well lah.

rotted like mad, waiting for nehneh to finish her mgq test. KNN DAMN LONG CAN. i was like collecting cobwebs and making friends with spiders. i cannot believe i actually stoned and stared into space for 2 hours. two freaking hours, i'm damn qiang i think.

anyway, nehneh decided to sponser a taxi ride to east coast park cos' we were running late and my sun was quickly disappearing behind the clouds. =( the taxi driver kept um-chioing to himself while nehneh and i talked about the past. tsktsk.

we arrived there, with me full of anticipation and excitement, eager to start taking in the sun. it was still shining brightly, and i (not NEHNEH) went to get changed in macs. then walked to the rental area and got our bikes and lockers. we rode for around 10 minutes, then it started pouring.

knn. nevermind. a little wet only. light rain, so we took shelter, then waited for the rain to lighten to a drizzle.
we set off again.

best thing ok, MY BIKE GEAR WAS SCREWED.
damn dulan ok.
it was going "giakkkk giakkkk" everytime i stepped on the right pedal. I WAS DAMN PISSED. see, i would have been less pissed if it was only the SOUND of chains being not oiled properly.
NO. THE GEAR WAS SCREWED. the right gear was totally not working(because i tried to adjust it, but nothing changed), meaning that my bike was superrrrrr tiring to ride.

flat surface i machiam like climbing hill.
UPHILL...i tell you...SUPER KNS. I COULD HARDLY MOVE CAN.

at first i really thought my biking skills were lagging from the lack of practice. then...ehhh..no leh, i don't think i'm damn lousy. so i kept telling myself to push harder and pedal with more strength.
NO. the bike was like..constant SLOW speed. i was damn tired ok. my legs were aching cos' i was trying to speed. and people who know that i like to speed while biking should know that when i cannot, i get extremely extremely cranky and angry.

so there i was, pedaling for my life, trying to gain speed, and then giving up at times because my thigh muscles were really screaming protests.

AND THEN, there was that stupid obasan who was cruising away in the distance. KNS. no sympathy ok. she didn't even offer to exchange bikes. =( so i endured.........


THEN KNS, THE STORM CAME. when i say storm, i mean a REAL storm. because the rain droplets were so fucking huge it hurt like mad everytime it splattered on my body.
then at first i gei kiang thought just try to pia it out and reach the rental area to return our bikes. i saw that hel had stopped at the shelter to hide from the rain.

but i thought can go further mah, so i tried to see through the rain. KNN I CANNOT EVEN SEE THE PATH INFRONT OF ME. the rain was stinging my eyes and my skin was hurting from all raindrops. and i was so soaked i felt like i was bathing.

so i decided, mai gei kiang, should get to a shelter. so i headed for one two shelters away from hel's. i had to get off the path, so i went straight for the sandy area towards the shelter. some people were already in it. half-blind, i tried to pedal my lousy pok bike through the wet sand. KNN THE GEAR WASN'T HELPING. I GOT STUCK. had to get off and wheel it painstakingly. got only wetter.

shared shelter with some fishermen and their nets and fishing equipment. -_-''' the rain was splashing in and pools of water were forming on the sand. i think rate of infiltration was lower than the rate of precepitation. HAHAHAHA. so i stood there, freezing in my drenched clothes, my dripping hair and shivering with every clap of thunder.

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, A LIGHTNING STRUCK A FEW METRES AWAY FROM OUR SHELTER, then the thunder almost deafened me. oh god. i thought i had died, seriously. because the entire shelter lit up in this blinding flash. terrified man. i hate stormy weathers. haiz. then the uncles had to come with fresh and steaming coffee and buns, eat infront of me. then another uncle came with TAU SUAN. they damn gu yi one ok. i was starving and cold. not the best combination.

we were late for the return of bikes by more than an hour. stuck there, separate shelters. i was facing the sea which was now nothing but a blur of mist, it was a good time for reflection indeed.

so i saw the sea turn misty, then clearing a little, lights of ships appearing, then finally the ships, and i saw the horizon again. took about 40 minutes in all i think, the storm.
headed off for a while when the rain got lighter. pit stop at a kopitiam. buey tahan liao. everything we had on was so wet we got plastic bags from the fruit stall auntie to put our handphones in it and waterproof-ed our money and other stuff which were damn kiam cai from the wetness.

i demanded a hot drink before we headed off. a cup of steaming hot milo helped tremendously. i think the drinks aunties and the other friendly girl helping out were relatively nice mans. they could see how lang bei we were and gave us a cup of SUPER HOT MILO and even chatted with us. woooo. finally my body temperature returned to more or less normal.

chatted about hanakimi and the casts while sipping the heavenly milo. eeee. nehneh got weird taste. SHE LIKES JIU DUAN. i like SHI DUAN CAN. hahahaha. nono..i still want my zun and ah tian.

headed off for the final leg. HAIZ. obasan continued on her cruise, while i fought with my bike again and lagged behind. SOBS. dulan-ness. I DON'T CARE LAH. NEXT TIEM CHECK GEAR FIRST BEFORE GOING OFF SO FAST. hmpffff.

reached the rental shop after an arduous journey. wet from being in the drizzle so long. BECAUSE MY BIKE WAS SO SLOW. the first thing i told the uncle who came out to collect my bike was "UNCLE, YOU CHECK FOR ME, THE GEAR ISSIT SPOIL?"

then he immediately checked. KNN REALLY SPOIL OK, the right gear was not working at all and it was STUCK AT THE SUPER HIGH RESISTANCE ONE. i was freaking riding a impaired bike for 3 hours. i think he pitied me mans. haiz. good thing we weren't charged for the extended time.

headed to macs to dry up and change. STUPID NEHNEH GO CYCLING NV EVEN BOTHER TO BRING EXTRA SET OF CLOTHES. KNN. i had to give her my darling redbull tee. =( changed back into the set i was wearing in school. hmpffff.

starving, so ate at macs. nehneh was siaming some stalker student of hers.
she kept kbkb about her lousy mac server who gave her the wrong orders, did not gave her the tissues or sauces for her nuggets. -_-
then she insisted on going home to watch her hanakimi when she could do so online youtube. -_-''' some stupid nehneh 22page theory.

CABBED. ok lah, very shiok. I DESERVED IT OK. my thighs are now ROCK HARD. fuck. when i cycle is my pigu pain most of the time, today is thigh pain. ARGHHHH.

nvm, good work out indeed.
she decided that she couldn't reach home in time and crashed my home to watch tv. yucks. so smelly. THEN SHE KEPT PIAK-ing ME WITH HER STUPID NEHNEH SWEATER. why?????
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I LOOKED VERY FUNNY EVERYTIME SHE PIAK-ed. another idiotic nehneh theory.
kau bei. should have kicked her out of my home.
(but must be glam to my neighbour ah tian ah. HAHAHAHA)

gave her one of my lousy square-cut FBTs which i worn only once during OCIP. BECAUSE SHE DUN HAF CHANGE OF SHORTS AND SHE COMPLAIN HER UNDERWEAR WET LIKE DIAPERS AND HER PIGU VERY COLD.

hana-kimied. laughed. then she went home after the show. so now, here i am sitting comfortably in front of my laptop. ready for youtube. :)

i think high socks are really cute.
i shall go on a hunting spree soon. :)
those greys with cute dainty little red flowers.

aiii, long entry, eventful day indeed.
don't ask me why we went ecp. i think it was a rash decision on my part.
anyways, i still have a date with koey and gang and the ghost after our midterms. yays. more exercise.

moral of the day: CHECK YOUR BIKE'S WORKING CONDITION BEFORE RIDING OFF. haizzzz.

okok. primary school composition ending.

It was a tiring but happy day indeed. WHAT A MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE IT WAS. :)

process of it all;

i'm doing better, eating lesser, and not giving in to temptations even when i'm not hungry.

obviously, my weight or size is not changing, but i will continue working hard!
tml nehneh and i going ECP to cycle. WOOTS.
a long deserved break indeed. before chionging begins all over again.
i'm craving for the sun and the workout already. :)

MGQ sucks, but i guess i should be glad i passed. HAHAHA. oh wells, what to expect mans, my stats really like shit. i cannot see probability for nuts. HAHAHAH.

last minute cramming session with nehneh was helpful. helped me narrow down things i ought to know and understand concepts. it's better than none. thanks babe. :)

maybe i should give myself some leeway to relax and not get so worked out over a lost grade.

i walked super carefully today, so i didn't slip or fall despite the heavy rain. :)


do people really care about the process?
we only see the results, the outcome, the effects.
we often neglect what happens in between, because it doesn't matter.
it takes too long, it's tiring to know, and you can't be bothered.

what kind of things will you resort to, to get the things you want?
where's the limit?
what's the breaking point?
how would you go about doing it?
how much are you willing to sacrifice?
your pride? your integrity? your honesty?
why? the competition is killing us all, killing us inside and outside.
we are mere beings, character slowly eating away.
and i wonder, who cares, about the process?
what am i fighting so hard for? why? for whom to see? to prove what shit?
is it even worth it?
in the end, i get the same outcome.
this conflict, i must solve.


i really enjoy company. the talk with ghost was really good. damn long nv talk to ghost already. it's good to learn more stuff about his life. hahahah.
and he is rapidly becoming a sneaker fan! YAYYYY.

got someone to gush to liao. hehe.
and i must comment that his dress style is better now! and his hairstyle varies everyday. damn cool can. HAHAHAH.

oh wells, sometimes i really don't know what to think, so i shall ignore everything and pretend i'm not thinking.
questions indeed. rahhh indeed.

i feel the urge to shop.
which is bad.
i dream too much, which is bad too.


drifters, abs and i.
she left i right.
so we always take the wrong turns.
HAHAH. oh wells.


oddball.