Monday, January 29, 2007

psychic inaccuracy.

i am quite scared, of what i shall not say.

wj thinks he is psychic. wtf.
even i cannot see anything coming.
anything mans.
he is full of rubbish anyway.


esl profile.
knn so dead.
my two comm texts are gonerrrrr.
=(

damn stressed.
and i really hate limits.
dammit.

save me.
swallowed by darkness.
struggling in exhaustion.
again.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

mindfucking yet again.

i don't know why you did what you did.
at least you chose yet another semi-conscious moment to say such things which you know might get you killed if i weren't.

i don't know why you said what you said.
i can't really remember.
just snippets.
just cuts off a tape.

i shouldn't care what you said.
who are you.

i should just assume that you were drunk.
maybe you really were.
as usual.

this mind game, requires a discerning mind.
it's time to train myself.
i cannot let people down.

gotta run. some mouse king is coming.

swell.

i woke up, mouth throbbing and slightly swollen.
beyond pain. numbness.

tuition early in the morning. reached cck by 9am, fuck tired. almost dozed off several times. left around 11plus, boon lay-ed, 12-130pm. woahs, monkeys indeed. no wonder the teacher has problem controlling them. gave too much leeway already!

so i set the standards for them again. felt terrible reprimanding them, but still has to be done mans. one super naughty monkey will effectively set the lead for the other potential monekys. very bad. HAHAHHA. my vice principal heard me chiding them and my stern tone while setting classroom rules. HE SAID IM GOOD OK.

=D

yays.
okkkk, then prepared materials till 3 for another class. sibei tired. the whole day is full of marking and returning and going throughs and corrections. damns.
and my mouth hurts mans.
napped abit after 430pm last class. numbness and pain somehow is part of everything already. can't really tell the difference, but everything is god damn sore.

left to meet monz at BV mrt. walked there and chatted abit.
wayne called to ask me go buy car accessories with him. -_-
DIAO. hahahaha. too bad not free, would have been fun to check out car stuff.

settlers with the ever growing friday nighters is indeed fun.
:) missed my sis's 21st bdae celebration though. shall get something for her once i cash my cheque. =(

taboo rocks. omg, and anthony is DAMN CUTE. HAHAHAHAH. geez.
had a good time laughing at random guesses, pretty mindless sometimes. but hecks, it's all about guessing and probability anyway.

i think i'm damn pro at fixing the rubber bands even without mirror ok!
HAHAHA. and it's only the second day.
fine, i'm a quick learner.

versatility is so crucial nowadays.
and i still am thinking about my profile writing. i have a good idea, but i'm really scared it doesnt work out. or wouldn't have the courage or time to complete it.
shall try my luck tml. =X

i think i'm quite teacher-ish leh. only dressing not up to it only lahs, but still, i enjoy the interaction with kids. every communication seems to be a challenge, because there has to be different ways to deal with various students of genders, levels and personalities. it's all about finding that click. :) i'm still working on it of course.
perfecting the art.

i feel loved.
or maybe because the less i expect, the more i feel.
thanks for all the love around me.
even when i'm alone, i don't feel the loneliness.
i actually feel...tinges of peace.

WHY ARE TAIWAN GIRLS JUST SO CUTE?
cannot stand it.
rainie is damn cute, in my opinion.
dammit, if only i have her build.

YES LAH I STILL TRYING TO RID THOSE FATS.

and people who ask me to drink but i refuse, it's because i resolute during NYE to not drink for one month. ONE MONTH ONLY NIA, CAN LET ME FULFILL IT NOT!!!!

hahahaha. determination ok.
i'm trying to cleanse my body.
i feel weak and ill inside.
and yes, the fats issue.

just because i like it.
i'm no bimbo, but face it, everyone likes pretty things. and i want to wear pretty stuff too.
without complaining that i have a huge tummy that shows in every outfit i wear.


i'm not rich ok. i just happen to like things that tmdknn happen to be expensive.
-curse and swear-
i'm not a brand conscious person, trust me, just like things that are not what others have.

yes, i should become more feminine, working on it. very hard. :)

HAHAHAHA, tt stupid rock is damn idiotic.
i cannot believe he goes around the centre telling everyone i'm his "woman". LOL.
kick him to china mans.
but i know he means no harm lah.

mans, i wish one day someone will tell me:" wo hui zhao gu ni de...wo hui yang ni de..." and means it.
HAHAHAHAH.

i mean, provided i like him too mans.

squeak says he must find dragon or rabbits.
dammit, i don't know find which species.
HAHAHAH.

fuck tired.
i want be cute too.
without a lardful body.
or being brainless.
i'm working on perfecting my flaws. or at least, minimizing them.

but i think my style way off.
it's time to be more extreme.


i am salivating for those sky high patent heeled boots. OMG. orgasmic can.
SIGH. i'll be happy if i can test wear.

it looks so hot from afar.

ok fine, wait for more money first ok.
still saving for japan.
MUST MUST MUST.
god, release me from this no winter place.

Friday, January 26, 2007

money is evil.

i finally realised how bad things were when i realised my nets doesn't even have $16 bucks inside.

i feel like shit, but i know i've done my best to last so long.
RELC pay cannot be rushed, i still owe hel $4, yating $18(transferred over cos hel owes yating money, so now become i owe bigbird) and yea, pretty much surviving on free sim food now. HA.

this is my shitty life.
i daren't ask for my tuition pay cos' i'll feel bad.
i know the centre has always struggled, with the mission to provide affordable tuition to the lower income group in the neighbourhood. and i always gave my utmost best and efforts, not asking for more. because i always have enough to last.

but now, i'm just so fucking broke, i don't know what to say.
and the thing is i didn't buy anything ok.
all spent on transport and some food inbtween breaks, never exceeding $2 per meal.
HA. it's almost pathetic.

and don't ask me to take money from my parents.
because the school fees are such a bomb, and i haven't taken $$ form them since i graduated from JC, i think i shouldn't start now.
at least...the chinese have this saying of "first bitter then sweet"(literal translation).
i'm awaiting the sweetness. please oh god, before i die.

i am hungry, but i think the pain in my mouth exceeds my hunger.
so i shall just starve.

i have fats reserve anyway.
not that i seem to be slimming down anymore.
i think i reached this limit, but i choose to believe my belly will go away somehow.
faith lah, can?


ok, enough whining about money.
it's just plain evil.
after i get my tuition pay end of this month(which i hope by then i'm still very much alive), i will repay all debts(totalling erm...$22???) and carry on with life.
mans. work extra hard to earn more.
spend less, even though i'm dying for new clothes. hahs.

just gotta get used to the fact that i'm not as priviledged as i hope to be.
or rather, i CHOOSE to be.

independence, want then must be all the way.

fuckload of pain.

went for my dental appointment today after ESL. win already. knn in truckload of pain now.

rubber band phase. i feel like my teeth are pulled TOGETHER and BACKWARDS at the same time. win already, totally.

my whole mouth is close to being swollen i think. fuck. liquid diet ok.
MUST JIAN FEI.
confirm can lah. i cannot even open my mouth wide, or bite without feeling pain.
ARGH. and this is making my mood very bad.
VERY VERY BAD.

=(
the pay is still not in, and i feel very buey song.

i am practically...living on air and water already ok. fucking save me, someone.

super tuition day tml. god.
i'm in so much pain i cannot concentrate.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

sim tissue box.

was my bestest friend today, i swear. i couldn't leave it alone for a single second even. sneezed non-stop; gotta be one of the unglam-ness days ever in school.

popped two cold relief panadols. didn't work till i reached home. win already lor.

the two tests were pretty ok.
should be quite decent.

tired nonetheless.
i wonder if i'll remember to go refill my gas if my tank ever runs low. HAHAHA.

and mr leon, i am not a workaholic. i need that money ok. no family support. but thanks for your concern squeak, i will take care of myself one ok. i'm expecting that big big stuffed bird on CNY. gotta be something interesting mans. a bird among the pigs on my bed. HAHAH.

actaully i realised there are signs of intercultural communication everyday. i'm saying that even if we are talking to people the same race etc. because of the existence of co-cultures. but of course the communication must have enough significance on an individual before it is considered meaningful and worthwhile lah.

see, i am open-minded to such communication, just maybe a tad little insensitive at times. i tend to do things i don't realise, and it can be quite damaging. but it's worse if the opposite party tends to have low tolerance, and also not open-minded to the entire communication, ie. defensive. one cannot be ethnocentristic. not easy, i'll say.

but i never once thought i was superior to anyone. rather, i'd say it's the other way round, just perhaps hidden and disguised well enough.


i keep pondering over the question whether i indeed refuse to break out of my comfort social circle. yet the fact is i derive quite abit of pleasure from being the lone ranger. there is no need to stick to groups at times. and i actually crave meeting new people. because i get bored easily.

my survival guide is working perfectly.
=)

i feel a sense of achievement and pride in myself actually. i pride myself for being so...stubbornly strong. HAHAHAHA.

fuck it. i live my life, and this is how i grow up and mature.
don't take me as who i am on the surface.
mindless and childish i may seem.
layers.



the phone conversation with the monkey was damn long yesterday night. from full batt to no batt. win already. then today wake up late. HAHAHA. but still earlier than most people for lessons. yays.

i'm bored. didn't meet mr lift today. but at least i was pretty lucky to not sit next to mr pool today in students' lounge. HAHAHA.
woots.

abby chan, you will pay the PLICE for saying what you said. grrr. mr. PORNFORMSLOPE has no diamond stud ok. don't play play. i think my omph not as haywire as that stussy nightmare meow. :)

for now, i don't wanna care about you. i got more important things to do. :)

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

bomb my tv.

apparently the meow-bomb isn't very effective. my tv is still there. =(
SIGH.
i'm fucking screwed lah.
no work done.
WD=Fxperpendicular distance.


damns.
tml one test.
thurs 2 tests.
tuition tml.
ARGH.
i'm kinda fed up with life, but i need that fuel in my veins to keep me high.

i'm gonna be normal and wear normal sneakers tml ok.
hel stop saying i'm weird or not i kick you to china also.

mans. oversensitivity is never too good. this is my personal guide to living life now. for now, before i can take more of life's shit.

skill number one: ACT DUMB.

hahahah. woots.

skill number two: BE ANNOYING.

yes, you heard me.

skill number three: BE NONCHALANT ie. unaffected.

uh huh.

skill number four: HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS when they are negative.

yes, so as not to spread the negative germs.

skill five: IGNORE PEOPLE THAT DON'T DESERVE IT.

yes, mean i know. but sometimes it has to be done. when you feel that you are being taken advantage of, just do it. humans are greedy creatures who never know their limits. humans are self-centered most of the time, even when they insist they are not.

so, people think i'm simple-minded.
it's a disguise i hide behind.
simplicity is the key nowadays anyway.
hiding what you have under the layers( NO NOT FATS) is just an act of self-protection.
no one appreciates. not openly, not voluntarily.

i find acceptance much easier.
and i find myself falling in love with strangers and their daily activities.
things they do which are different from my almost clockwork ones.
i like observing people.
i like how the world turns.


the green man was flashing in the distance.
but i waited, and waited.
for the red man to appear.
then-
i crossed the road.

hidden intentions.

new insights everyday.
like how i love taking weijin's car to tuition every monday--thankful that he is willing to drop by the school to pick me up, knowing that i'll be late if he doesn't.
talking on the car is always refreshing. he is blunt and yet sensitive.
he is straightforward, telling me all the things i need to know about me and the people around me, uncensored.

i've got to know myself better, learnt how to deal with people, and learnt how to open my mind up to greater things, a bigger picture.

perhaps this is what happens when you mix around with older people more often.
i find myself learning the ropes of life, accepting the hard truths with a open mind.
some things, we never like to hear, yet we HAVE to hear. pretty much life.
then, you have to go about changing yourself, to minimise those flaws you have, and try to be the best person you can.

something like self-actualisation.
just the beginning.

yes, there are always hidden intentions.
but i'm glad there was the clear declaration that there was none between us.
somehow puts my mind at ease.
and it's comforting that however crude things sound, he still says it anyway.
nothing is left unsaid; no stone left unturned.

perhaps it was my weakness, since the beginning of time.
only i kept it unguarded, i kept it unknowingly.
and people took advantage of it. maybe it's time to show the other side of me.
maybe it's time to be not-so-nice anymore.

overdependence, unhealthy relationships are present in my life.
i find it hard to deal with.
because if someone claims to WANT to be there for you when you need him/her, yet when the time calls for it, he/she is NEVER there, what do you call that?
utter disappointment on your part? or just simply misplaced dependence?
maybe the key lies in the fact that humans cannot rely on anyone but themselves.
it's so ridiculous how us girls tend to have so many so-called "best friends" to confide in. can we truly be strong without these blocks of support around us?

why, the controversy over platonic friendships and their existence.
my answer?
it's possible.
only sometimes when the guy has a gf, then the contact with the good girlfriend decreases, and vice versa. it's hard to maintain that closeness and yet not bring about unpleasant consequences. mutual respect must be attained. mutual understanding and the give-and-take situations.
it's the true hard facts of life i gotta accept.
which is why, no matter how "die-hard, die-together" buddies(guys) you have, you just cannot rely too much on them.
girls the same.


you've just let me down too many times, and i've just let you lean on me one time too many. it's time to stop letting you take advantage of my willingness to be there silently without complaints. i don't want to be that object of convenience to ANYONE.
because i just don't do that to others.
i'm tired of how things are.
so i shall just ignore those nagging feelings this time round.
3 tests this week.
i better buck up.
tuition is killing me, and i wonder why i have to fight so hard for money.

personal plan to fight my way through this sem.
seemingly gonna be another one of those fight all through my life things.
it's a challenge i shall uptake.
self-esteem and self-actualisation.


i'm glad i have people around me who bring laughter, tears and stomach cramps into my mundane life in school. it makes everything worth it. it makes going to school fun.
so maybe i'm weird, maybe i'm a tad bit too nice. maybe you can bully me, maybe i can blend into the background.
priorities are reset this sem.

so, what's your hidden agenda?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

officially hopeless.

if i continue like that during my weekends, i can go and die straightaway. tmdknn SLACK. oh god. motivate me....now!!!!!



=(



yesterday sushi dinner with sis she commented that my mole above my right side of the lip is growing bigger.

o.O -stun tio-



win already lor. sooner or later i going to become some moley woman.

HAHAHAHA. ok fine.

i insist it is MEI REN ZHI ok!!!

anyone who dares say otherwise....i kick you to china! (accompany meow study chinese there)



monz and i under the xmas tree at vivo...long long ago.



ok. so im screwed. i feel screwed. let's hope i survive this sem. i feel like there's something waiting to pounce on me..out of nowhere. you know...like walking under this bunch of trees in the woods and knowing that some idiotic bird will come shit on you...just that you dunno when.

-_-

i slept till 1pm plus today. i'm like the SUPER SLEEPER.

someone boliao called me around 6plus in the MORNING. ARE YOU THAT PERSON?
wtf. home number, and i don't have that number also. so it has to be someone damn bo liao lah. anyway, i didn't call back. so if it's you, whoever you are, call me back at a EARTHY time. thanks.


i've got my tailored jacket from mama. woots. expensive seh. but well, investment ya? i'm going sleek rugged. it's ironic i know, and it's totally contradicting, but possible. HEHE.

but i need more...girly blouses. (don't smack me)


i better start omphing for a ride to tuition tml after school. my omphs take pretty long to come true mans. damn tiring lah.
HAHAHAH.

it all ends tonight. i'm falling in love with that song.


now now, don't you all come staring at my face to see my mei ren zhi ok. :)
i'm outta here.
darkness has turned to light, and everything has ended tonight.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

it's so free i feel weird.

ok, so the projects and homework doesnt seem to have landed on me yet, so i'm pretty....ok.

but i feel weird. it's almost as if i DO have homework, but just that i FORGOT about it. damn scary ok.

friday was damn tiring. ESL in the morning....ARGH. then went home to run(but after that ate alot, so the fats were basically....unmoved). met leon and a few of them for movie at vivo.
damn, that mel gibson show is fucking sick ok. i really wanted to puke countless times in the show. damn gross, everything uncensored.

plus the bloody cinema was damn cold, wanted to die mans. there was this cold wind blowing between me and hel, so we kept moving away from each other. damn funny.

BUT THE SHOW IS STILL DAMN GROSS. BLEH.
m18 is still like not advisable mans.
but i think abs might like it. -grins-

met turks and monz for dinner. ate at fish&co. damn damn full. i feel fat again. =(

went arcading again. hahaha. sianz man. we suck at the basketball game lah. and bishi bashi is SO NOT my game. arghs. slow reaction. =D

reached clementi mrt 1130pm. missed my last bus, so decided to walk home. no money for taxi lah. walk lor...abit scared lah, so quiet and dark. but i had a helpful little mouse there though. thankful.

reached home safe and sound, no worries. made a mad dash for a bus that also went to my house bus stop. wahlaueh, leg pain.

so today was tuitioning. cousin, then centre. felt good to be back there on sat; it's always good to chat with them and talk cok. HAHAHAHA. damn funny ok.
laughed like mad. and yes, i'm taking another class. additional income, but more time of cos'. but they need a more experienced teacher who can control the class. yups, i'm gonna give it a try. those boisterous kids will DIE.

don't test my patience mans. HEHE, i will go in looking stern. somehow kids nv climb over my head like that, yet still have fun lah. :)

ate sakae sushi dinner with family at wheelock. woots.

many people think my boots are very expensive. i wonder why.


the talk with aizat last night was comforting. thanks to that monkey. :)




"what's inside that drink?"
"eh..passionate fruit!"
"?????"


stupid jh and wj keep saying "yo yo yo!" whenever i enter the centre. dammit. they say i very ang moh and very hip hop. -_-'''

i want to smack them every time they do it.
it's like YO YO YO complete with hand gestures and head nodding ok!
kick them to china man.
i got ang moh face mehhhh??


sian knn can those fats GO AWAY.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

it's....gonna be friday!

so, the first week of school is finally ending.
i'm alive, thank god.
whatever the higher powers are, please continue to shine down on me.

i'll never forget, the way you look tonight.

com test was a little tough, just a teeny wee bit. nevermind lah, should be able to get 80%-90% correct? HEH.

so, after that was rotting at students' lounge, then the girls went for their ugc lesson and i....conquered maths. i'm like REALLY proud of myself ok. REALLY. i did a couple of pages beyond the part he left off in lecture. and the practice Qs in the tutorial lesson afterwards were....tolerable, with the VJ BRAIN(yes abs that's you).

i feel relieved. now, it's gonna get harder, but optimism and hard work should be able to pull me through. that 3.6 gpa must be retained. damn.
wait wait, i should aim higher right. 3.7!!!!


i tell you, somethings are just...plain toooooooo coincident. ARGH. remember i mentioned those ______guys who were watching us play pool that day. i cannot believe it!!! THEY SAT NEXT TO THE TABLE I WAS AT. although they were sitting in the glassed room, and we were outside, but oh freak.

I THINK WE MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY HARD TO FORGET.
because i was facing their direction when they came back to their table, i happened to see them. and because i was stoning, i was looking at the far distance beyond, looking but not really looking. THEN I REALISED THAT THE GUY WAS GRINNING AT ME.

sibei paiseh.
OF COS I PRETEND I NEVER SEE LAH. WAH LAU.
then knn, he keep grinning, made me REALLY paiseh i tell you.
=(
haiz...i felt the on-coming threat of a tomato face.
damn bad.

and after that he MADE HIS FRIEND ASK ME FOR COINS SO THAT HE CAN PLAY POOL. knn. thanks alot lah. after that came over personally some more. super cannot hide. alone somemore. =(

nevermind lah. remember then remember lor! won't die! HAHAH.
i mean, sooner or later will forget one lahhhh.

yawns.
finally wore my blacks after some time. good choice, cos' it rained today. yays.
and i saw this guy whom i saw during the RELC exam registration. i think he didn't recognise me. :) goody.


oh man oh man. reminded me!!
i saw a cute guy today.
-drools

wenta canteen to grab a bite before i was reduced to skeleton, met koey and tomato outside the canteen. they accompanied me there too. then on our way up to the lounge, we entered a lift with....THE CUTIE. only 4 of us ok, and i was like....staring at the cutie from my obscure corner when KOEY TALKED TO HIM.

"hey! nice shoes!"
"thanks! they are from north(or issit south?) africa!"
"woah..BLAHBLAHBLAH"

one level up nia.
i was gaping at koey, then at the cutie.
i seriously thought koey knew him.
-_-
tomato was laughing at my facial expression i think.
and that diamond earring was like....flashing at me. oh god. kenna shan dao again. :D
okkkkk.

so i have a new omphing target.
heeheehee.
i'm not chikorbei ok!


i just need some excitement.
should be meeting monz and a few others to go out after school. think i might get home after ESL go for a run before leaving. i so need to stretch my legs and get my legs back in shape. =(


we still kill the old way.
we say goodbye, but you refuse to let me go.
don't look back, don't look down.
please let go of me.

crazed.

i feel.....WTF IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE kinda feeling.
yes.
third day of school, got test.
in like...10 hours, i have another test.
!@$#%#$

next week, more to come.
and ESL 408 research paper is freaking intimidating.
maths is bloody....CMI.

cannot, better start psycho-ing myself that I LOVE MATHS WOO HOOOOO!


like really.


happens that SuckyImpossiblyMiserable school trying to cut cost. WHERE GOT TWO MODULES SAME LECTURER ONE.
knn. use mike might as well don't use. make me go all the way down to listen to what he's talking. feels geeky. heck, i need that gpa.


tuition was good. think the kids like me still. HAHAHA. fun time for all. laughs and yet learning. damn, i think i'm comical to them, always laugh at me and my facial expressions. -frowns-

still, i guess i DO look different from the rest there. cannot be helped. =X and my way of doing things IS different, which is worrying, yet i like it that way. aiya, see how things go lor.

i have plenty of kids for every class, meaning potential rise in pay. I SO CANNOT WAIT FOR FEB. my a/c will officially come back from the dead.

ok the fats aren't moving. i need to run. THIS SUNDAY!!!

you know how i have this deepest darkest desire to wear jap long socks and short skirts for freaking long, YET i don't have the courage to. HAHAHA. relax mans, i know it's a puke-worthy sight. :D

i'm damn tired.
another long long day tml. =(

5 days week is like the norm for me already.
plus one weekend kenna robbed from me for tuition(asides from the weekday slots).
i feel deprived.
think long term jielin!

i so need self-motivation.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

accidental ompher.

damn i typed an entire entry and it was lost. so i'm just going to retype, after much thought, since i'm tired but cannot fall asleep.

i'm feeling much better, so don't worry, those out there who care. i'm not gonna self-destruct or anything close.
just a bad night. comes and goes.

first day of school...was just...LAMIAN. HAHAHAHA.
dammit. RAHMEN is just plain boring. i had to choose between options:
a) kill him
b) kill myself
c) get a heahache
d) fall asleep
e) all of the above.

pretty impossible. so i stayed awake. mans, that battle with my eyelids were like....eons.
2 hours never seemed so long.

break. with pool-ing and abs. OMG WE ARE FUCKING CLASSIC. seriously. one hour. who does it like us!!! HAHAHAHA. okkkkk. but i think it was our fastest game yet, really.

and those stupid..._____ guys were obviously commenting about how lousy we were lah. knn. thanks alot man.

BUT I ENDED THE GAME FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. BLACK BALL!!!
i'm demi god already. HAHAHAHAH.
(let me dream for 5 secs pls)


ok dreaming ended.

it's one lesson for me later. i hope this com teacher won't put me to sleep.

com modules are IMPORTANT.

maths. i need all the help i can get. and all the hard work i must put in is pretty obvious with the first day.

SIGH.

i still love my boots.
but buying has to stop.
i should just stick to cheapskate cotton stuff that are a few bucks per piece.
but so auntie!
dammit, the clothes i eye are either high street pieces, or just so abnormal they are expensive.
i'm weird.
different, yes, don't need to keep reminding me.
no i don't feel awkward.
if i think i look decent, then i am happy.
no point dressing like crap and feel like crap.


"teacher! your ear hang one diamond!"

yea man, i wish. if my ears can grow diamonds, i would be rich now.


accidental ompher?
oh wells, weijin sent me to tuition centre today. REALLY. i was like WOAHHHH. damn lucky can. HAHAHA no squeezing with the stupid peak hour crowd. if only all my mondays could be so heng. =D

i'm progressing up the ladder abs! i must be there when the money rain falls. i don't care.
u better up your level.
HAHAHAH.


"jielin tai guo xiao hai zi xiang fa."
wah thanks alot lor. those two, one principal, one vice, talking behind my back.
i'm gonna dig it outta the vice soon.
GRRRR. the things they say. really.


maybe i'm just naive.
so it's a crime.

Monday, January 15, 2007

living in a wrong world.

just am.
if you know me, you would understand why.

maybe that's why hel thinks i'm weird.
when i don't think i am at all.

everyone tries so hard not to look like the rest,
yet some spend their lives wanting to look LIKE the rest.
which one are you?

understated nomalcy.
hidden nonchalance.
jaded beyond redemption.


tonight, it's peaceful. no more repeating.
no more bad nights, seemingly like a bad tape running on repeat.
no more.

the "backing" wasn't that "backing".
but i well expected it before hand.
disappointments again and again, how much more can i take before i give up on it?
when will he salvage before i lose hope?
or will i have to lower my expectations further, and not expect anything?

the contrast of the day and the night.
the gaping hole between peace and chaos.

behind every mask, there is a story.
so, what's yours?

Sunday, January 14, 2007

pain-o-meter

and i wonder how much i can actually take, before i break into pieces, shattered beyond repair.

the one who said he'll give me glue to piece back my heart, was actually the one who broke it. the irony of it all, the cruelty of fate that begins to sink in.

faith; how much does one person actually have? this faith-bank in everyone. that hope-bank. it will run low soon.

you taught me pain. you taught me lies. you taught me to ignore. and you taught me to be foolish. lying will never stop, and i pray that one day this lying turns to reality.

so that this pain eases, so that i can live without your shadow in my heart, so that i can be touched again, without that fear hitting me hard.

untouchable.
breakable.

it's like that broken glass angel figurine. shattered imperfection.
it's like that chipped crystal star. beauty in lacking.
it's like dried splattered blood on the wall. reminding me of that tear.

the serenity of the night contradicts with the din in my soul.

the calmness on the outside, that icy surface, those masks.

everyday i work to ease that pain. i work to forget what i wish to forget.
i wish to accept.

2006 doesn't seem any different from 2007.

i need a ride. i need to feel that chill on my cheeks again.

for tonight, that mask is put aside.
when the light shines through, when the dawn settles, everything resumes to normal.

because although i feel intense joys, i feel intense sorrows too.
let my saviour appear before i crumple.
let me stand on the rooftops and scream my lungs out.
let me be able to declare that i've tried my best.
let me be able to forgive myself and remove that hate.
let me gain a new insight; let everything end tonight.

how can one die, when her soul is already dead?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

shitty day.

i'm full of toxins.
morning before leaving the house, i shitted once.
then i rushed outta the house, scared that i would be late for work.
TMDKNN WHERE GOT SO SUEY.
for the entire 1 hour bus ride or so, I WAS CONTROLLING MY BLOODY BLADDER.
I HAD TO REFRAIN FROM SHITTING ON THE BUS.

ok, so i sibei strong ok. never shit, and i almost died as i felt my stomach churning from within. reached the bus stop outside, then i saw curly hair woman, realised she taking same bus as me. sian. hoped she didn't see my boots, then i pia all the way up hill and stairs to the 1st floor toilet, where i had my second shit of the day.

THEN, while cashier-ing, i felt that urge to shit again, then suppressed it. tmd sian.

but finally, i feel liberated. boots-ing is good. HAHAHAHA. i had enough of sneaker-ing for the past few days. :)

anyway, i just shitted. damn sucky. i am really full of toxins man. the shit is damn stinky. HAHAHAHA. okkk.

school's starting on monday. :( :) kinda mixed feelings about it.

and today was the last day of work. damn, i think i will miss them. :( they have been awfully nice since the temp. -grins- and it was definitely fun and hilarious all the way. although infinitely tiring, but it's definitely worthy. let's hope we get more lobangs from there soon. hehe.

i'm waiting for the pay. and to see my account grow fatter. motivated to save already. see alot things i'm dying to have, but i shall SAVE. it's a bad habit i must break mans. to spend spend spend like madness. :(

besides, i must learn the art of mixing and matching to create new looks. hehs.

i'm already weird, so weird abit more also nevermind right? -consoles self-

understated normalcy.

i'm just so tired. but money has to be earned.
ARGH. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT JIELIN!

Friday, January 12, 2007

one last day.

of work and school reopens.
sian.

abit scared. abit anticipation. abit tired.
sigh.
oh wells. i need all the energy i can get.
i need to recharge soon.

when you can fall asleep while standing up, that's just plain not good.

for money.
think money.
not alot but still money earned with hard work.
argh.

fats fats go away.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

shalalala.

lalala@hotmail.com.

YEA MAN. damn cool right this email add. some people actually use it. HAHAHAH.

anyways, work is fun today AGAIN. quite abit of laughs. :)

and without omphing but casual chatting, aizat offered me a ride to boon lay, which ultimately ended up as a ride all the way to the bus stop at the tuition centre.
geez, i'm really lucky these days.
or maybe i just meet nice people.

on the not so nice note: i was late today.
i am supposed to leave the house at 7:15am every morning in order to reach at 8:30am for work. BUT, i FUCKING WOKE UP AT 7am.

-curses and swears-

knnb. bathed and got ready in 30min. damn jialat. but still was late. 190 took 15 min to come, despite taking the train today. damn squeezy lah. reminded me of it started with a kiss that scene on the bus. HAHAHAH.

was telling meow about that while chopping and sorting upstairs. then she reminded me of that diao diao scene at a certain dress up party scene. LOL. i couldn't stop thinking about it. damn.

ok im drop dead tired. tuition today was good. class exploded again. damn scary. different levels of comprehension again. expected difficulties in teaching. damn. going at different speeds is damn tiring.
anyway, this means more pay, so equals good for jielin.
hahahahha. i need the money to cpr my bank account.
kids are cute, really. somehow, i think they like me and respect me at the same time. which is good, cos' i never have trouble controlling my class unlike the other teachers. :)


damn, money's running low again.
looking forward to work tml! :)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

free ride home.

without any omphs, i got a free ride home from wayne.
hahahah. all the way to my bus stop ok! i'm damn lucky can. geez.
but why no one give me free rides on days when i'm rushing for tuition. -sulk-

but wayne is damn lame, cannot talk to him. full of rubbish. =X
oh wells, he thinks i look 18years old. ok lor. not that bad i guess.
"shi ba sui yi duo hua"

HAHAHAHA. but i think 18 and 19 yrs old like not much of a difference in life. hmmmm.

-shrugs-

work's good. but i think my eyes are gonna die soon. hahahah. whole day face computers and rush through forms. geez. life's good mans. think moneyyyy.

oh wells, it's time for bed. sleep early, then can not so tired. heh. sleeping on buses is damn jialat ok. i always knock my head accidentally against people one. very very paiseh. =(

but i have egg tarts for tml's breakfast! WOOO!!! YAYS. and mee siam for lunch from aziq. double woos.

thou misses thou boots.

Monday, January 08, 2007

near collapse.

ok i'm so dead tired i feel like i can just lie in one position and cannot move anymore.
the early mornings and late nights are just gonna kill me off slowly. every single cell in my body seems to be withering. =X

and the kids are driving me crazy.
it's so hard to teach when they cannot do simple addition and subtraction. YOU TELL ME HOW. knn. give me these kids, it's near impossible to improve the grades one ok! ARGH. fuck it. think money. think moneyyyy. wednesday is gonna be the last lesson where i'll hafta rush off after work. god. the mad rush; i feel ultra drained afterwards.

work's gd. people's gd. think money.

school's starting in one week time. hmmm. kinda looking forward to it. HEH. new anticipations i guess.
i need a new mp3 player. and it had better has a radio receiver. cos' i'm so tired of listening to songs all the time. i need new stuff.

and a new camera ALL FOR MYSELF so i won't need to share.

the psp is real attractive too.
HAHAHAH.

ok ok, it's not like i'll get ANY of those mentioned. just dreaming can.


ur lies; are broken promises.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

beautiful day.

finally could sleep till 10am today. BAH. so tired mans. work.

tuition was ok. algebra for my cousin. TERROR. but relatively easy. hahahah.

anyway, met abbas for movie afterwards at bugis. finally watched death note2! good! but tragic ending.

sometimes, when you take a little quiet time alone to observe people around you, strangers, friends, you notice things you don't usually see.

it's a beautiful day.
many things made me smile, and appreciate life i have.
it's far from perfect, but i'm glad i grew up with the right values and morals. not that these values are perfect, but at least i can live with it.
it pisses me whenever i see kids littering all over the place, throwing tissues onto the floor after eating, and their parents don't bother to even TELL them it's wrong and to pick up the paper from the floor and throw it into the bin instead.

perhaps it's because i've seen dirtier and less desirable places, unhygenie and almost barely unfit for living. maybe that's why i appreciate singapore for her cleanliness. sure, it may be hardly our effort that it's clean; the hard work of the foreign cleaners helping to pick up our rubbish after us. but at least we have help from outside to provide us with this much desired place to live in.

maybe people tend to take things for granted too easily.
maybe people who possess too much tend to forget how it feels to be lack of.
it's like how the genius will never truly understand the plight and frustration of the retarded. or how the rich man living in the mansion will never understand how the poor beggar off the streets survive day by day in that dark, moist corner in the back alley.
the gap, unseen, but always present.

how, and when, can i ever learn to be satisfied with what i have? or i will never learn?

seeing that little boy laugh outloud so happily on his tricycle, pedaling slowly--an action almost effortless for most of us, yet so trying for him. his father watching out for him a feet away, following closely, arms outstretched, ready to catch him when he falls.

parents. will they always be there to protect us? to save us? to love us?
why. this simple bliss, warmed my heart.
that scene, i couldn't tear my eyes off.
as i walked by the duo, i watch as the boy laughed and grinned at me at almost pure ecstacy. his new bicycle, his ability to ride it so well. and i couldn't help but smile back at him. and see how his father smiled down so lovingly at his son, i just had to smile back at the father too.

it must be difficult.
i would never understand. but i applaud that bravery and courage to hang on day by day. that posivitity and faith in life.

so why, someone normal like me, often forget to see those bright little sparks in life? forgot how fortunate i am. forgot how to be contented with what i possess.

this decadent society we live in. and i am part of this mad decay. i am pronounced guilty.


these days, i breathe in the cool morning air. i feel reborn. i feel cleansed. i feel heal. yet, this journey continues. all i pray is that no one will break me apart again; the bank of optimism and hope.


and those, when they die.
there's no heaven, or hell for them.
there's only nothingness.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

logics.

conversation plays a huge role these days, while working.

pretty crappy stuff.

"tall guys seem to like short girls. so how? tall people like us, left only with the short guys. sian."

"see sales in singapore, always left big sizes, then small sizes all gone."
"you know what it shows? big sized people always very broke no money to buy clothes."

----
ok, so stab me.
i bought another pair of boots.

real cheap. original price $69.
i got it at $29.
hee. good buy. but i was damn shocked can.
and it's decent lah. girly, cos' i need a change of image, I AM NOT A BOY FOR GOD'S SAKE.
and it's real pretty.
i think it doesn't make my legs look fat, so there.
YAYYYY!

:)
-beams-

i'm in love.
pity i can't wear boots to work.

one more week.
money money money.
i want to revive my bank account.
on my own, yes.

it's possible.
just have a lil' faith.

2007's first pair of shoes. :)
2007 is sure gonna rock.
i have a good feeling about this.

Friday, January 05, 2007

war zone.

it's the war of paper, sorting, fasteners, stamping, admin work and more admin work.

my right arm is aching.
machiam fight war.
THOU SHALL NEVER COMPETE WITH LAO MEOW AGAIN OVER STAMPING.

sibei not worth it.
-------

the first phonecall i picked up.
paiseh.
i was damn hesitant cos' i didn't know any fuck to say if peopl asked me question.
but i managed to pull through in one piece, and the other phonecalls were handle-worthy.

"hello?"
"errrr...hello? did i call the correct number? RELC?"
"yes, this is correct."
"ohhhh. i heard your voice i thought i called wrong number. you sound very gentle, you know?"
"haha..ok..."
"blahblahblah"
"blahblahblah"
(alot of "erm please wait a moment while i check for you-s" in the middle)
"ok. that's all i need to know. who is this speaking may i ask?"
"ohhh. erm, jielin."
"jielin. i think you've got a very gentle voice. very nice, i like."
"ohhh, i'm sorry!" (don't know what i said sorry for, but i was damn embarrassed)
"hahah! don't need to be sorry. your voice very nice..."
"orh..ok..." (blushing madly. i'm siao, i know)
"haha, ok, thank you very much jielin. bye!"
"you're welcome. bye!"
-------

okok, i'm easily flattered ok.
but it was an encouraging first phonecall. :)
-----
OT work tml! woots. i like the work place people.

they are ultra friendly and smiley.
hahah.
the temps are nice people too.

the money is another push factor. :)


damn paiseh. i've become one of those people who doze off on the bus and their heads will knock accidentally against other people's shoulders. SIBEI PAISEH. suan ler.

but i'm just so tired.

please please please.
get rid of those fats before i hate myself.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

paper cuts, bruises and sore limbs.

i'm tired.
was 2nd earliest for work today. amazing.
work was fun.
suffering from paper cuts thought.
bruises on my palms.
and i tmdknn kicked a drawer left open while trying to find a perm staff to answer my questions.
ARGH. got one huge bruise now.

i hate chopping.
but i can foresee only more chopping.
i hate putting fasteners.
but i foresee more of that.
my whole body is aching.
damn.

it's time to sleep earlier.
sleeping on the bus has become a norm.
very bad.

work's fun thought. looking forward to it, and knowing i'm earning money every hour keeps me going. and i like the feeling of being busy anyway. =) hoping to know more people better and keep enjoying work until the last day! woots.

call me impatient.
call me insensitive.
call me jaded.
call me nonchalant.

i can't be bothered anymore.
i'm a close to emotionless selfish prick.
ok fine, i choose who to care.

don't do this to me.
if you don't love me, let me be.
the closer you want to come;
the nicer you are to me,
i fear the day where i will willingly fall into your trap, again.
let me be.
until i can totally feel nothing.
please.
a promise already broken is like a heart torn apart by beasts.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

work week.

im packing lunch box for work! woots.
hahahah. food brought from home.
SAVE MONEY.

anyway, i hope i can adapt to work fast.
seems to be pretty hectic schedule. and i guess i won't be seeing the other girls that often. =(
hahaha.

the 2 threadless tees are here!
woots. got new clothes to wear, though i haven't tried them on.

and my p4 eng class grew bigger by 3 kids=5 kids now. so means my pay also increase. SAY HOORAYS. this omph came true. =)

i think it's pretyt impossible to jian fei. i have no idea why my weight just won't fucking drop. maybe cos' i have no discipline to eat less? =(
sian.

-shrugs

nothing much to update. gotta slp early tonight. or i'll never wake up on time. and be early for work. =X


i wonder how important i am or mean to ____.

boredom hits another high.




some pics of nye. okkk, i'm really waiting for my hair to grow longer.
and i just felt a tail of my hair.
you know those long long ends at the back of your head? =x

maybe i should stop experimenting so much and stick to one thing? hahaha.
anyway, savings plan must be implemented this time. i'm serious. and it calls for alot of discipline. i hope i'll pull through this time.
it takes courage to come to terms with the fact that i'm just not like the other kids my age who still get pocket money from their parents. the fact that i have to EARN EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CENT for my daily expenses and what not is just dawning in. it's been almost a year since, and i've been too flamboyant with my money. now, it's time to stop. think long term instead of short term.

others have the same amount i earn every month without working a muscle except raise their hands out to take the money offered by parents. what does this imply?

i have to work doubly hard to earn that same amount. and doubly doubly hard to SAVE that fucking amount instead of enjoying just like other teenagers do.

sighs. it sounds just fucked up. screwed up. but i gotta face it. FUCK MY LIFE.

i just got to work in these conditions.
things DO happen for a reason.
i go through this for a reason, i know it.

i've just yet to find the answers.

somehow, the lack of money to spend seems to signal a reduction in social activities, which i fear. but what needs to be done HAS to be done. -dejected

i'm trying hard here, so try not to tempt me with anything else. or ridicule me. or encourage me on spending trips. no.

the work week is nutella sandwich made from home. save money must save dao di. hmpffff. take it as jian fei lah!

-grit.


i hate to admit money is everything. but in the situation i'm in now, it seems to be so.
slave to money.
biggest regret.
biggest dream: unslave myself.


and i'll rather go to bed every night earlier, because then, i can be closer to you.

Monday, January 01, 2007

the in between.

nye: met up with the 4d peeps over at holland v to eat dinner at nydc. really glad i did cos' i do miss them.
meeting was short, but good. recalled those classroom days, the falling asleep, the geography lessons, the teachers, the terrors, the jokes, the classmates, and figuring out what happened to them.

i miss them. 4dynamic will always stay as one. -smiles-

afterwhich, the nehneh hel came and we took the bus to DG mrt. yea, met alex there, and another girl (Ya en? correct?) and leon and beng came over in his merc to fetch us there. abs joined the squeezed gang on the car and i had to sit on nehneh's lap. @#@!$!$#!$ i could feel myself flying everytime stupid beng swerved. but wells, car rides are much appreciated. =)

the labyrinth was good. smokey but good. alcohol was no lack of. but i was TRYING to abstain, seriously. i kept thinking of the hangover i'll get if i really did drink, and that made me drink less. i still love my friends even if they smoke, they should know that.


anyhow, the countdown was funny. lol. i did enjoy myself.


it did not start the way i wanted it to. but things happen for a reason. i'm tired of figuring things out, when questions just keep popping up. i tried to take things lightly, and not look into them at all, but sometimes i just don't understand why life is playing this joke on me.

seems too cruel.


being in between sober and wasted is just...LOUCHI. FUCK. seriously, if i had to choose, i'll never be this in between. cos....i don't even know what i'm feeling now. @#!$#$#!@$!

i'll get wasted anytime.

at least i feel happy. HAHAHAHA.

it's a well spent and eventful NYE and NY. and my curfew was extended ONE HOUR cos of the countdown. YAYS. and everyone seems to know i'm cinderella. =)

once again, i feel blessed because of the friends i have. and i hope this feeling stays.

sounds damn grossly romantised and cliche i know, but it's just what i feel. i don't wanna murder myself anymore, because i know there's support when i need it, where i can easily find it.

now, i feel like going on a speed ride. just feel the wind whipping across my face, and chill running down my back, and feel nothing but fear, anticipation, and plain indulgence.

for you were the first to msg me in 2007.
and you the first to call in 2007.
how fucking coincidental.