Monday, July 25, 2005

im hopeless.

someone tell me im useful please. besides breathing in oxygen and emitting carbon dioxide..and er..methane gas? besides irritating the hell out of people, besides being an unfilial daughter, a lousy friend, a horrible classmate, a terrible schoolmate, and a retarded student.

im really quite hopeless. im finding my aim and goals in life. hoping that i can actually fulfil these simple yet influential dreams for me. i just want these too bad.

today maths lect was a total bore. got sent to LT1, the worst lecture hall i think. hahahah. so me and bishi were having an msn conversation, considering she sat behind me and we were passing that racial harmony book to scribble our conver.

then yun ma msged me from the audi to tell me my two eye candies maths very good. both in audi. =X like gu yi agitate me one. can't stand it. must aspire to be in the same lecture hall as them already! :)

quite sad. but bishi sure cheered me up. drawed a couple of crap stuff. damn lame. HAHAHAH. but she ended school. i still had physics tut to endure. me, zw and yun ma were standing outside the classroom debating to go in or just to leave school. me and zw wanted to leave la, then yun ma down there SUPPOSED to encourage us to go right?

she didn't.

"you all go la, i go in myself."

WAH LAU. so evil i tell you. ask us pon school then she herself go study. HAHAHA. so in the end 3 of us went in. late. super loser. can't believe i gave in to peer pressure so easily. but ziwan is right--ponning will just make us want to pon again and again. sigh. first three months mans. miss those i-cant-be-bothered attitude.

now it's always i-must-be-bothered-cos-everyone-is.

im so screwed. and i just realised there are about 52 weeks in a year. i didn't believe it when syaf told me that. but she calculated for me. and yea, it's true. fOok. =( time is whizzing past me. im a wasted human being.

pet phrase now: im like so dead can?

pe was ok. yun ma didn't run her 2.4km today, so syaf and i played badminton doubles with our ever-changing opponents. hahaha. damn. i realised i seriously CANNOT play doubles. i keep clashing into people. =( i need alot alot alot ALOT space one.

im fat la can?

my knee hurts now though. exert too much pressure already. haix. hopefully ok by ocip selection camp la. if not trekking will die one.

after the horrible tut which i spent most of my time studying maths(OMG yes, it's unbelievable), me zw xy and eileen wenta HBF to get some food. eileen n zw ate the supposedly very ncie chicken rice at HBF hawker centre. then i persuaded them to go subway to get cookies! hahahha. they damn horrible. all 3 share 3 cookies. i one person eat 3. obviously is cannot diet la. die. all efforts go to waste. =( hahahha. walked and talked. then yun ma wenta get her kopi-O from starbucks.(she had that craving since the tut) hahaha. so we sat there and talked and waited for eileen to finish copying the maths stuff. sigh.

went home soon after. feeling rather satisfied. only now that i have tons of hwk infront of me and im slacking. loser jielin. no more mugger. :(

hmmmm. do you really think bias-ness in marking papers exist? it's just hard to believe that people can jump by 5 grades in one test. hmmm. nvm.

darn. didn't see teddy bear at all today. im going crazy.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

like shit.

im so irritated and pissed to retype the entry i lost yesterday due to poor net connection. will just briefly outline i guess(BAH, i HATE doing essay outlines).

hmmm, yesterday was quite fine la. had ocip dry-run. highlight of the day i guess. supposed to study after school till 3pm which was the dry-run time, but i was stoning and sleeping half the time. and i fell aslp. shucks. and i salivated. how gross is that. i alwaes salivate when i slp face down. HAHAHAHA. and i only slp face down when im in school. =X

anyway, the pt was that the dry run went quite successfully. :) alot pressure is on us though, and im quite afraid i'll not perform up to standards. especially being a grp leader, really have to observe my members tightly cos' ultimately i'll be one of those deciding who to choose for the ocip trip 2005/6. haix. yea, and i love to laugh and smile too much. no good cos' may give people the idea that im very slack, which i am not. i guess i know when to be serious la. those who really know me will understand i guess. still, i hope everyone will do their best and do a great job! :) jiayou ok!!!

had dinner after that, but while waiting for zw n lx to come back from the gallery, played a little hockey with marcus. just simple passing and hitting la. hahahha. quite fun..hmmm..but still he is as irritating as ever la. :P then they came and i left. yea, a couple of us went for dinner. talked quite alot. funny la. hahaha. love them alot mans! :) i loveeee my friends!

/irrelevant.
was thinking that day of hike, how a glob of bird shit just dropped from the sky onto my wrist when we were taking a break at the summit. hahaha. damn disgusting i tell u. the shit is WARM. just imagine can???!!! it's like fresh from oven, LAOSAI(since it was all wet and gooey) la!! BAH. stupid mr ho cldnt stop laughing and the rest were commenting how lucky i am, must go buy toto. so no compassion. hahahaha. but they did offer me tissue paper la..and sandra even helped me wipe the shit! :)

mr ho wanted to me to smell the shit. so sick right he? hahahaha. joking la. but i think he is one of the cutest pe teachers i met..think all pe teachers are very nice. :)

hmmm, oh ya, i hope marshy's foot is much better now! :)

yea, just now went to popo's house for dinner. my first meal of the day. hahaha. im soooo determined to jianfei i tell u! :) met my third uncle and his wife there.

"ah qi looks like samantha ah(my other cousin aka his daughter)"
*turns to look at me*
"ah lin looks like ah lin."

hahahha. mans, i hope that's a gd comment. better than "ni zhang da le" after complimenting on how my sister looked. that's like damn mean can? i mean i know im not as pretty as my elder sis la, but don't like to make such an obvious effort to comment anything about me ma. heh.

anyway it's ok la, i like that uncle alot. he used to pamper me ALOT when i was young. :) treat me better than his daughters liddat..hee. but now different la. :)

oh yes, and there was the controversy over The Vampire Teeth. whether to "Just Pluck it Out" VS "Just Leave it There". hmmm, what do u think? actually i do not realise i have rather irregular and ugly teeth most of the time, but sometime si have people telling me in the face that it makes me ugly. others say it makes me look erm..good? i dunno. but i would really miss those teeth if i had them plucked out to do braces. and the though of bleeding and a swollen mouth for days and tolerating the pain of braces for 2yrs or so is quite a turn-off. but what about my future? would my appearance matter alot? i dunno.

just saw a tv advert. with a pretty model with vampire teeth like mine too. only that she's PRETTY la, and im not. hmmm.

life is pretty screwed up. i wanna study, but just cant find the concentration and motivation yet. die. really die. haix. especially when im so far behind EVERYONE. im so dead can?

was listening to my shuffle. really like the songs inside. (DUH. if not put inside for what right?) but many songs really have lyrics that are matching my mood now. heh. kinda fell in love with corrine may's songs. her voice is just so souful and deep. the lyrics are even better.

teenage angst. MCR rocks.

sad love songs. sly and taoze.

random pleasures. bowling for soup. simple plan. greenday. good charlotte. danny powter. lifehouse. blink 182. yadayada.

realised i have 95% english songs. hahahaha. and people think im CHEENA. bah.

you know, i wonder why people just get the impression that girls who wear specs are ncie, guai1, very obedient and very hardworking sort. ok so maybe most of them are. but im definitely not one of them. you know, if there wasnt this "good" part of me in myself, i can pretty much foresee jielin becoming a chao ah lian and a high school drop out. i have ALOT of rebellious nature and angst in me right now.

must be the stress. i feel irritated with almost everyone and everything. pms?

BAH.

/random slurrings.
i thought i could forget about you. i thought everything was over.
yes, it is. just that i cant help but think of the good old times we used to have.
sweet and wonderful.
but i gave it all up.
im glad though, u have found your new happiness.
all the best to you. :)
im really sincere.
really.

i really don't want to think about you right now.
looking at you from afar.
pretending not to see, but glancing from the corner of my eye.
but every sight of you makes my heart skip a beat.
the cuteness you seem to have.
but character i have no idea about.
perhaps it's just another passing phase.
for i indulge in infatuation over the perfect image i have of you in my mind.
i just gotta wake up from this.
before i appear like an idiot.(or am i already?)
this is nothing.
as usual
it's just me.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

sad mugger.

i haven't been obeying my mugging theory lately. i cant seem to find time. cant seem to get enough sleep. can't seem to concentrate at times. can't seem to understand physics. i wanna die.

but i cant. cos' my new geog teachers says that "no time" is not an excuse. sigh. true la. i nv took it as an excuse also. BUT it's really no time lately. 24hours doesn't seem to be enough. im dying from fatique already. everyday go school go tutorials or lectures. free periods study or do hwk. sometimes even go library to borrow books to photocopy. stupid lousy SA notes. BAH.

actually im really very stressed now. you may not tell. but i try to relieve stress by talking alot. it's either i talk alot or i don't talk at all. sigh. im such an extremist.

today had night trek recce for the group leaders and a couple of them involved in it. quite ok la. frankly speaking, i almost died after the staircase round. REALLY LA. i never felt myself huffed and puffed so much before. it's really worrying. hahahaha. bah. super unfit. but other than that part, it was relatively ok la. gotta make them tired mans. have to say this is more competitive than last year's, and definitely gonna test one's endurance and physical abilities. :) no more meesiam!! hahahah.

had many laughs for this recce. very relaxed although walking speed is REALLY fast for a disabled person like me. couldnt catch my breath half the time. hahaha. ask me run can la. walk fast is very tiring leh. but im really looking forward to the camp! :)

tml got dry-run again. haix. see? no time. excuses again.

im supposed to do my geog tutorial now. but im so tired i cant think logically. i don't even know how to explain the model although it hink the answer is very obvious on the question. sigh. and i cant think of any case studies. so bad. i gotta go read up more. :( lousy.

im not mugging officially yet. but im trying. and i haben started on physics. die. i have no idea was is charged particles abt, and quantum physics is SHIT. i hate the lecturer and his ugly handwriting and his way of lecturing. im so pissed off everytime i go to his lectures. gRrrr. i want mr mannan back!!! i seriously hate physics. i better start loving it, cos' its one of the subs i really wanna do well in. (but i wanna do well in everything!)

im so sad.
cos'itsjustanotherbadday,andiwantsomeonetosingallmybluesaway.
isawyoufromafar,butyoudidntnoticemelookingatyou.
andiwonder,isitanotheroneofmydevelopingcrushes.
itis,foridonotknowyouatall.
andperhapsidonotwantto.ijustwannalookatyoufromafar.
imjustnotthetypeofgirlu'llnotice.
iminvisible.amongstthecrowd.

Monday, July 18, 2005

EFF

yes. tt's what i got so far. it's a pretty loser grade i got there. still left my geog. most prob gonna get O. so it's gonna be EOFF. BAH. tell me how la, how to change this to AABB for Alevels. i might as well go bang my head against the wall. but hey, my name is jielin, and im SO GONNA DO IT! so there.

i just passed my econs. literally just passed. on the dot. rounded up somemore. it was a 3 grade drop. i felt mixed emotions. one side of me was angry i got so horrible results for my supposedly best subject. another part of me was kinda expecting it. hey, i did not do an entire essay Q. how am i supposed to pass? GGRRR. this tells me alot abt myself. not just econs paper. but the other freaking papers. I JUST DO NOT HAVE PROPER TIME MANAGEMENT.

if i had planned m time well, if i had finished all the Qs in the papers, i would have gotten a decent grade.

so what?

so man IFS, but it's all over. i better not brood over this. it's so not gonna get me down. since im slow n dumb, i just have to work doubly hard. i might even flunk prelims. but as long as i score well for As, who cares. the ultimate goal is in mind. i just hope everything works out and dun screw up on me. there are too many screw up-s this year.

sigh. actually im freaking out thinking and stressing myself imaginging WHAT IF I DUN PASS or DO BADLY FOR MY As. yea. tt's pretty much the end of my life. sigh.

you know, sometimes u yearn to fulfil that dream SO MUCH that it hurts to think about it? cos' u never know whether it'll come true, or it'll just go the other way round. i was lucky during Os. things went my way. but the As are so different from the Os. what if i really do not make it? i dunno what i'll do to my pathetic little life.

i just pray and hope while mugging like crazy and catching up that all the bad stuff don't happen. i want this too much.

i shall mug now. i want to be know as The Mugger. so say hi to jielin The Mugger. i used to hate muggers. but if mugging can actually help me score, why not? :)

sigh. im rambling on and on. gotta go back to maths. cant understand.

bless me.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

whatever.

im just exasperated.

sometimes a little understanding and forgiving nature could help.

somethings are not what i want. somethings happen for reasons. some do not have any reasons ok. im frustrated, and yes, i admit, a little pissed. but so what? it's my fault what.

im sorry this had to happen. im sorry i broke my promise again, and i hate people to break promises so i have nothing to defend myself. but this all happened so fast i had no time to react. and i have to honour my statements too.

im tired already la. i don't live in this world to please people around me all the time. once in a while, i'll love to be pampered and understood too. sometimes, i wish i can be forgiven for things that i didnt meant them to be.

but sometimes, it's not my calling.

im just reallly sorry. i hope this will not happen again.

ouch.

oh yeas, this dumb chilli crab i was eating just now for dinner pierced the skin of my index finger and went into my finger. i had to pull it out. and it hurts. bled. and swollen now.

ouch. it hurts even to touch it. stupid cook. why never break the shell more. had to pull like shit before the shell would break apart. and when it DID broke apart, this sharp pointed thing on the crab pincer had to poke me. arghhhs.

hope it reduces swelling soon.

BAH. chilli crab still rocks.

sleeping marathon.

so what? are u jealous? i slept for 12 hours non-stop! woO~ and it felt good. somehow i was telling myself i deserved it due to the lack of sleep all week. :D excuses. sigh. ok, im not gonna do that again. IM TRYING.

anyway sleeping is good cos' u tend to eat less when u are sleeping. then u can lose weight cos' sleeping burns energy. it's like hibernating eh? so cool. but it's not the time to sleep la. lost many precious hours which could have been spent catching up. and so, im losing time yet again. stupid me. but people always tell me one should always have sufficient sleep for my brain to function properly. hmmmm. gonna see if that's true.

sigh, i should be reading my econs notes now and doing my tys later. i already missed one econs lecture due to the friendly game and im not putting in double the effort to catch up!!! am i dumb or what. gRRRR.

ok, anyway, i realised my previous few entries were really skimpy. was really tired. i forgot to mention the dinner at night that standard chartered sponsered for us and the uk rugby team, under 16 rugby team and the uk hockey girls from i-still-dunno what school. the dinner was ok. at a rooftop balcony when we all thought it's gonna be in an air-conditioned place. so yea, kinda disappointed, but the air was gd and the view great(apart from the many lightnings streaking across the sky). hahahha.

everyone was dressed really prettily. :)

i think i really need to get a decent skirt soon. and i mean REALLY soon. or else people will think i do not wear skirts. but only because i cant find one that fits nicely and covers enough skin. DARN.

anyway, cheer up marshy! no matter what happens, as long as you have faith in yourself and be brave, everything will be alright. and im right here to support u! :)
SMILEEEE.

sometimes i think i have an attitude problem. but sometimes, i realised some people have a larger attitude problem. and i wonder when will they realise that they have it. at least i know i have that problem.

Friday, July 15, 2005

no excuses.

the friendly game was quite fun. played with much less pressure and stress and i actually managed to enjoy the game more than i ever had. heh. i felt happy and good to release all that pressure within me. it felt good to play again after so long. (even though i din play that well la)

but im really happy la..and i got relatively ok marks for gp. quite happy. my first paper to pass so far. human geog just passed on the dot. i think i will fail overall cos' the physical geog part i din do one part. i din do one part from human geog too. hahaha. die lor. at least get a O? sigh.

then econs monday getting back, i think will also fail cos' i din do an etire econs essay. can go die liao la. it's gonna be like just pass paper. IF i am lucky--i can just pass. if not, it's just another fail. SIGH.

whatever la. gonna work harder.

today's consultation with miss faizah reduced me to tears. will not go into details how. the class celebrated the june babies and july babies birthday. the cake was quite nice..and the coke jelly was yummy. thanks guys!

hope yun ma feels better. :)

ocip selection camp dry run was ok. had some fun. though i was rather exhausted. but before the dry run started, had a very amusing and hilarious talk with lx, zw, shih jie, wc and thomas. hahaha, cldnt stop laughing. dry run went quite well, hope we'll do a gd job for the second dry run on thurs. hmmm. :)

had dinner after tt with a couple of them. hahahha, laughed even more. =D

not bad la, had a gd time. tml meeting regx, jess, da bian for drinks and talk. heh, hope it'll be fun.

too tired to update using proper english. bah.

bye.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

headache.

i think a headache brings out the worst in me. you will never believe how irritated i am by a simple headache. especially when it throbs non-stop, only with increasing magnitude and intensity. and it hurts even when u smile. and i've been smiling for the entire day. i feel like my brain is going to split into a million pieces.

too tired to blog much. but the ocip meeting was gd. i missed everyone so much and they made me laugh alot despite the pain i was in. in fact, i forgot abt the pain momentarily(which it resumed as i was going home). i cannot wait for the selection camp itself. we must do a good job for the dry-run and the aqctual event itself! :) jiayou everyoneeee! ocip 2004 santos raak rocks!

ah, im a grp leader of grp 3 and the first aider ic. well, i hope i'll do a gd job la. yh bro is my partner for grp 3. wierd la. i dunno why they pair the both of us together. hahahaha. *shrugs* well, nvm la, i can work with him quite well. :)

BAH. how do u ease headache that does no goes away even with a nap? no panadols included.

i feel exhausted. hopefully the game tml will be an enjoyable one and i'll have fun. away from stress for the morning. then it's back to hitting the books at the afternoo. wanna get some work done, esp im missing so many lectures. haix. im kinda depressed now. i think im more pissed with myself than i am depressed.

i fucking hate myself.

and i don't know why. probably cos' im a lousy human being.
whatever. will blog more constructive stuff when im feeling better.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

irritation.

see, now im very very very irritated. im sure there are many things we face everyday in our lives that make us irritated. the only question now is the extent of irritation that one faces each day, and the amount of tolerance one has.

im not a very tolerant person when it comes to things that i am VERY sensitive to and get easily irritated with.

i dislike people muttering to THEMSELVES(or to the audience).

and im very irritated now cos as im doing my geography, my mother is mutering away to herself about how slow the internet is and how her hotmail page is not loading or how troublesome everything is. HELLO. im having equal difficulties doing geog too. can she like just keep her comments to herself and what i mean is INSIDE her. DO NOT MUTTER ANYTHING. it's either u say it OUTLOUD, or dun even say it at all. BAH. im sooo irritated i sound rude, but who cares. im childish and self-centered rmb?

interruption./

ok, suddenly my mood is so much better cos' im crapping online in the same conversation window with ziwan and shih jie. hahahha, complaining about a certain meesiam. sighhhh, i so totally cant believe she's in the selection camp la....arghhhhhh! we 3 are so traumatised. hahaha, cant stop complaining, super funny! :D well, anyways, im really really looking forward to the meeting tml..=) and of cos' the selection camp itself!!!! i miss them all so much, and its gonna be super duper funnnnnnn! (but with a mission in mind, definitely) NO MORE MEESIAMS ALLOWED FOR 2005 OCIP TEAM!!!! RAHHHHH! me and sista gonna keeo our eyes peeled. :D

:):):):):):):)

sighh, gonna miss school on thurs for a friendly match with some uk team. actually my mother wld be horrified to know of it, tts why i havent told her anything. but alice tan knows abt it liao la. sighhh, and i so HATE missing econs lecture. =(

yayyyy. i cant stop smiling when i think of ocip team peeps and the things we gone through together. we must make the camp a success!!! :) all the best to everyoneeee!!

talking about results: i failed pretty much everything i've gotten back. im not gonna be beaten down by this!!! NO WAY. i must try harder this time. study smart and study hard! i can do it cos' im smart.

they say if u think u are smart then u'll be smart. so i dunwan think im dumb now. i wan become smart. so i must think i am smart to become smart. get it? im not speaking like a smart person now, but im getting there eh? :)

JIELIN IS SMART. please give her all the encrouagements u have. :) greatly appreciated.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

JEZ

well, one thing that i've decided is that instead of ME finding for that constant in my life, im gonna try to be the constants in MY friends' lives. :) im serious. i want to be there to cheer them up, wipe away their tears, make them smile, find hope and strength with them.

let's just hope i'll be able to do it, and not simply words on a plain piece of paper.

it's been so long since i had a nice long chat with two of my very good buds. and it really has cheered me up. my mood seems enlightened and somehow more cheery.

it is raining now. the raindrops are crashing down on my balcony, making the leaves of my father's money plants slouch with weight. the lightning is flashing continuously, accompanied by roaring thunders. people who know me well, would know that i absolutely hate rainy days. i hate the darkness, the dreadful skies, the dull atmosphere, the lack of activity, and the horrible lightnings and thunders that still scare me even though im a full-grown 18 year old. childish as it may seem, the rains just remind me of how gloomy and hopeless life can be.

on the other hand, the situation after the rains are a completely different thing. hope and life seems to spring up from every corner of the world. the birds are flying in the skies, chirping loudly as if to cheer for the absence of the loud thnuder. earthworms come wriggling up onto the surface gasping for air, humans are seen walking on the roadsides again, children coming out to play with the muddy puddles of water despite their mothers' protests.

everything just seems much more cheerful and happy. the sun peeks out from behind the clear clouds, greeting me again, with it's warm rays shining down onto my face. i feel hope. i feel happiness. i feel warmth. i feel comfort.

life, these 18 years, has taught me one of the many lessons so far.

no rain would keep raining.

yes, no matter how gloomy and hopeless your life may seem at this moment, there'll come a time when the sun would greet from after your period of darkness and seemingly lonely world. nothing will keep us down for life. we must be strong and face everyday with a mindset to conquer life. to conquer our fears, and to face them unwaveringly.

i've not given up yet. 18 years, and im still fighting my fear of the darkness and loneliness. one day, i believe, i will be able to do it.

i really don't know what i will do without the friends in my life. yes, JEZ will stand forever. no matter what happens, no matter what position i will have in your lives now or in the future, you guys are something i'll treasure for life, and that position will never change. i assure you that. thank you for being there for me in all these lousy times i've had. thank you bra. thank you marshy.

i don't know what prompted me to write this entry...but yes, i just thought that if i don't do so, i might die one day, and die regretting i've nv told them how much these two guys mean to me in my life. i have always believed strongly in pure platonic friendship. and these two guys are examples of my theory in life. :)

words will never describe how i feel. i am just not that inclined in that aspect yet. i just feel overwhelmed, when i recollect the past, the present, and embrace the future. it is true that the love of friendship is different from that of the love of relationship between that of a boy and girl.

but this friendship love, has taught me many things. made me grow up. made me realise things i once thought i knew. made me become less selfish, and more selfless. taught me to appreiciate, for good things(or rather people) don't come by chance..i wouldnt trade this in for anything.



time may fly. people may change. things may evolve. but i hope this friendship stays true and same, just like how it all began. never shrinking, but always growing stronger, 3 as 1.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

mutterings.

yea, im gonna continue with my constant mutterings and ramblings and senseless rubbish again. i can't believe how much im thinking of late. it sucks. but i feel like i've aged a thousand years. and i so do not want to feel like an old creaky woman. BAH.

i was talking to yun ma one say about the ideal guy i wld have for my boyfriend. (not that i wanted one perfect guy now) hahaha, but it just occurred to me that it wld be nice to have a boyfriend who is a very gd friend of mine. cos' i think it's when the relationship wld be the most stable and enriching. you wldnt have to bother about who to tell your troubles to or watever. you can just confide in him.

then i remembered. i always state my stand very strongly that i believed there should be a clear boundary drawn between me and my guy friends. this would mean that i would never develop any relationship with my guy friends. but, i too realised that i had thought up this theory because it would never happen(since i never fall for my guy friends before), and because i always knew who my male friends were interested in, and always encouraged them to go for their dream girl.

during these years of growing up, i've always regarded myself as another of their male buddies, or commonly known as brother. i grew up a tomboy, with most of my friends being male, and sent to a co-ed school, where my male friends taught me sports such as football and table tennis and basketball. they would always "wage" competitions between themselves and invite me to their competitions, thinking that i would easily be "beaten". hahahaha. but most of the time i beat them la. (this shows u shld nv underestimate a girl)

i grew up independent. though i was ultra reliant on the many maids i had before. but before my last beloved maid went away, she told me one sentence that really made me stop whining and think.

you cannot be the baby forever, jielin..sometimes, instead of crying, you have to be strong by yourself. yati cannot be here for you always..

ok, so she went off, and i cried like shit. from then on, i taught myself to be independent, reliant on no one but myself. i thought i was strong, i thought i was unbeatable. but i am so wrong.

sometimes, the more one thinks she/he is strong, the more he/she appears to be, the truth is, the more he/she is wrecked inside, breaking into pieces without anyone knowing.

i AM strong most of the time, but sometimes, i just crumple into pieces. and these times, people do not know im just breaking down. people tell me i'm a strong girl everytime im upset. i know i am strong, but sometimes i just want someone to rely and lean on. someone i can trust to be there for me always, not someone who is there sometimes, and gone the next. not some variable. i've found many wonderful variables in life, but im still not sure who is that one constant. i've yet to find, or yet to discover.

perhaps its not the people and things around me changing. perhaps it's just me. i am living in a small little land out there alone, thinking that the world revolves around me, when it obviously doesn't. i am selfish. i am pampered. i am unthoughtful. i am stubborn. i am strong-headed. i am heartless. i am unforgiving. i am insincere. i am fake. i am stupid.

i was looking myself in the mirror that day. one night. all alone and awake. it caught me totally unaware, of how sad my eyes looked. if you look deep enough, all you see in those two pools are depthless of sadness. sadness that i myself have no idea where it came from. it's accumulating.

i grow up. the world is out there waiting for me. i am waiting for it. but i have to be stronger first. i have to find that strength and courage in me. i want to face the world, fearless and fighting.

i don't want to be sad no more. i don't want to cry no more.

we all need, somebody to lean on..

was reading my super old blog at open diary today. i realised how much i missed my writing style. writing about things i din care who read or who didnt. so much things, i've left unsaid, because i know of people who are reading my blog. and i do not want these people to read what i've written. this is why i prefer talking face to face to people too..better than phonecalls, than online chats, then msn conversations, than sms..

i really want people around me to be happy.

i'll do almost anything to make my friends smile and be happy again.

someone told me this: why do you bother trying to make others' lives better(through the many cips i did), when your life is simply screwed up.

my answer is simple. i derive joy from other's happiness.

-

im selling a rapture ticket for saturday performance. anyone interested please msg me. thanks.

i realised something.

sometimes i just gotta keep my distance from some people, even though i care alot for them. even though i do not want to do it. but i just have to.

contradicting? but yes, im gonna start doing this from today.

i have my reasons.

listen.

often, we do not hear the silent cries of the people around us.

hidden. muffled. running.

just stop whatever you are doing now, and just listen.

listen and give care genuinely.

you might just make someone's life better.

Friday, July 08, 2005

.

i saw so many prize and award takers today i think im very stressed out now.

i don't have to come back next year. as long as i do well enough to guarantee me a place in the university of my choice and faculty im happy enough.

sigh. it's funny how much people change since pri sch to sec sch.

it's more sad than funny actually.

have you guys watched the "first date" advertisement on tv mobile? i think it's hilariously sweet. BAH.

i love the part where the guy um-chio to himself. HAHAHAHA. darn, he's cute.

sometimes i just think what will i do, where will i end up, who will i become, should my dreams nv come true.

and sometimes i just dunno who the people around me are. what they are thinking. what do they feel. i observe people.

and recently i just do not like what im observing.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

random.

too many things on my mind recently. can't really figure them out still. feels like some rojak of feelings and emotions that come and go, surge and disappear, irritate and annoy me. most of the time im left confused and frustrated, very helpless to all these stuff happening in my brain. im really sick of it. wish these will go away soon.

BAH. just as i was lamenting something shld happen to my life, this happened. nothing much to say about it. but i guess my stand is still strong, i guess i can still go out as "friends" and state my stand clearly first before i do so. i doubt he has any intentions left anyway. been so long since we talked and he had to pop out of nowhere. but i truly believe in letting bygones by bygones. then i guess i gotta do what i preach? hmmmm. yea, stop dwelling on the past and just concentrate on the present.

what am i rambling on and on about?? i can't even understand myself anymore.

BAH. i really gotta start revving up my engines to get ready for prelims and As. dun wanna fail again. i cannot afford to fail again. not for prelims. not for As. i really have to do well, and prove that im not a retard(which is quite hard i know). sigh. they say you reap what you sow. then i better start sowing, or i'll have nothing to reap eventually.

i really just want to be happy. is it that difficult? i don't know how much lies and deception is lying under this mask i wear everything. i smile but do nto feel truly happy. i smile for almost no reason. i smile just to make people smile. and i smile to make others not worry abt me. i smile so that people will not bother asking me "are you ok? you don't look happy."

i seriously hate that Q. it's dumb you know. when i don't look happy, i am NOT happy. that's kinda obvious isnt it? i hate it when people ask the obvious. but yes, i understand that they DO care. my friends do care, and i truly appreciate it, but i just hope they'll put it across other then that classic "are you ok" line that irritates me. still, sometimes i REALLY am grateful for the "are you ok"-s that i receive, cos' sometimes i just really am not ok, and i want to talk about it..thanks to all my friends out there who have tolerated this absurd behaviour of mine. hahaha.

anyway, before i forget, i wanna wish my darling-that-is-not-so-darling-anymore HAPPY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY to you and winnie! damn, time really flies yea? :) hope u guys will treasure each other and ba happy till forever!! hahahha. chEerio! two good buds that i really cherish! JIAYOUUUUU!!! :)

i shld get going to study my econs and do the dumb tys.

i'll probably be getting back most of my papers next week. are there any drivers out there?

maybe one day i can just cross the road and some lorry/truck/car/van/bus will knock me down. and i will die.

joy to the world.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

:)

hahah, i was just thinking how good it feels to meet the long lost old friends whom u've not seen in months and months and miss so much.

the rush of happiness and contentment is a great feeling.
thinking of that day where i met ll, ts, danny, mavis, kf, lw etc etc, woahs, that was a part of the day that truly made me smile genuinely.

miss them so much. was like some gathering where we checked each other out, found out how everyone was, laughing and smiling away.

just miss those days.

memories always seem sweeter when we have to recall them.

ok.

ok, so what's new? i did not keep to my resolution of not typing in here for as long as i can. sighhh, but im soooo bored now i wanna die. heh. maybe i shld go down for a few rounds of running or something. can't believe how much i've ballooned it's pretty scary. im starting to hate myself. and this fat ass body of cos'. oh wait, i pretty much hate the brains in this body too. whatever. im whining and i cant be bothered cos' i hate my life now.

speaking of which, i tumbled out of bed today to go to school for phy spa. actually the spa went quite well, considering i studied for 2 and a half experiments in all, and one of them came out. WAHAHAHAHA! am i lucky or what. sighhhh. see, if such luck appears in my As, i'll be some GOD. GOD of tycoism. hahahah. i lost that title quite long ago. BAH. anyway, when i went to school today, i headed for the hockey table wanting to apologise to hf for not being able to join them for movie, but the moment she saw me she talked abt the spa, so i figured she didn't mind me and monz not making it. so yea, got down to TRYING to study the few notes i had. to my horror, i saw hf's notes, and i was frigging upset and traumatised. i just realised how many spas practices i missed and how LITTLE i knew. =( and ys had to had on to my kan-chiong-ness by telling me things i had NO IDEA about. i was like last minute trying to memorise stuff that i've never seen before in my spa-ing life so far. so much for having physics as one of my four subs. i might as well consider dropping already. GRRRR.

so anyway, like i said, i was pretty lucky that that "half spa" which i studied in the morning did not come out. instead, the first spa worksheet i read came out la. :) hahahah, so im glad. hmmm. hopefully can pass with decent grade. though i doubt it might help since i probably failed the rest. BAH. so much so for luck. this was i think the best spa i did so far. :(

please let me live in my lala land for as long as possible. don't tell me the answers ok. i don't want to find out what i thought was right all along to be wrong.

the highlight of the day however was my dumb left eye. it got so swollen in the morning for NO REASON i cld hardly open them fully. the worst thing was both the TOP and the BOTTOM part of my left eye was sooo swollen i looked like a bloated goldfish on one side, and a ugly human being on the other. i looked scary. and ugly of course. BAH. luckily it reduced substantially by the time i headed for school and reached it. i think it wasnt so bad cos' no one commented on it. *phew* or they were trying to focus on their notes and i was busy trying to keep my head down, so it was ok. hahahaha. but that stupid ys was as irritating as ever and had to notice and make fun of it. whatever la.

had some difficulty opening it during the spa itself. but by the time spa ended, it had reduced swelling quite alot and i cld open my eyes without much difficulty. hahaha. so just when i thought i can go home catch some shut eye before meeting monz in the noon, miss tan had to announce for us to stay back. turned out we had to do some college day stuff. sigh. i tell u i felt like some clockwork factory worker today. take booklet, tie one knot, tie second knot, tie butterfly knot, turn, put into carton box, pick up new booklet, tie first knot, tie second knot, tie butterfly knot, turn, put into carton box, pick up new booklet...

okok, i think u get the picture. i was "specialising" in tying the knots, and some were slotting the content page and the pages together, some cutting the strings. phew. i got quite exhausted. i think i've nv tied so many knots since the SJAB comps i had last time during trainings. wahahahha! quite fun la, had some talking, laughing..hmmm..:)

sigh. but i had to cancel the date with monz and hf and paula i felt so terribly and upset. arghhhhs. and i was REALLY looking forward to it. BAH. nvm la, i hope there'll be other days. sighhhhh. sorry hf. sorry paula. :(

anyway, wenta eat after that. macs. i think i almost vommited from being so full. can't stand it. i think i don't want eat fastfood as long as i can. and this resolution i will stick to it.

i probably shld go for a run to work away those fats. but i hate running cos' it hurts. stupid knee. haix.

i keep procrastinating exercising it sucks. hahahaha.

i want a new bike! i want to speed bike! :)

by the way, wotw was better than i expected. heh. quite relevant to the novel. hmmmmm. waiting to watch fantastic four.

any takers? :)

feeling oh-so-lonely now.

Monday, July 04, 2005

=X

im so frigging upset i plan not to write in my blog for as long as i can.

it just crashed on my again just as i was about to click "publish post"................................................

speechless with anger, exasperation, disbelievement, shock, upset, stun, violence and everything else bad.

so, im not going to retype all that i've did, although i thought i did a pretty good job with many things i wanted to say. but things happen for a reason, dammit.

i might just change this to a photoblog. that is until i get a camera of MY own. BAH. my sis keeps hogging the cam taking pics of her and her bf im quite pissed. BAH.

anyway, by sepcial demand, i have to put this picture up. please do not misunderstand, there is NOTHING between us that shouts of RELATIONSHP. cos' he is in another relationship with ANOTHER girl although he claims that im HIS darling. BAHHHH. hahahahahahahaha.

ok, we are DARLINGS by "name", but just friends laaaaa. this dude was complaining why he only occupy a small portion of the besties part II which i made. aiyaaaaa, REALLY REALLY dun haf any pics of us together maaaa!

BAH. be satisfied with this ok!! :P

you are NOT a smal part of my life la, idiot. :)



don't know why i look so black, can't even see my face. *sigh* miss being sun-kissed and fit.




this is what he was refering to la. bet you can't spot the picture. wahahaha. sorry k? :)

btw: to winnie, if u happen to read this, i mean NOTHING ah, dun misunderstand! hee. u can have him..:P oh, its non-refundable i think. :D

love u all loads!

Sunday, July 03, 2005



that's us. all 7 of us. hahahah. kr gave each of us a pic we took after graduation. kinda memorable. it was the FIRST picture ALL 7 of us had together. :)

so it prompted us to take another one today, since we hadnt taken one COMPLETE picture at all for AGES. :)

hahaha, we were commenting how much we had changed. pretty girls, they all. hehe.

im not refering to myself. in fact, i look ghastly. but hecks, im in love with them.

6 bits of my love. muacks.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

lalaaaa.

wahahaha! today had an outing with the 7 girls that ruled my sec 4 life. hahahah. kairu the polar opposite, helena the ah ma, steph the chiobu, wanting the mature lady, pear the neighbour, bishi the seatmate, and me!! hahahah. quite fun la. it's been soooo long. damn. i kinda missed them la, just that i dun show it out only ma. then that idiotic kairu kept complaining i wasnt showing enough enthusiasm. HAHAHA. i wonder why we two so opposite la, that's why we call each other the polar opposite, cldnt stop jacking and irritating her. cos' she also the same la! grRrr.

all of them changed alot man..become so much prettier..hahaha, though bs and i thought steph nv change much..still as pretty..hee..and ah ma was looking radiantly healthy! wanting still as pretty and mature as ever, kairu still as (irritating) funny, and pear looking prettier and slimmer! bs still liddat la, see her everyday leh. hahahaha!

hahaha..walked ard, looked ard, saw some nice stuff la. but realised my taste differ ALOT from the rest of the girls. heh. it's kinda sad la..my taste more of sporty casual. laid back style. then they like those skirts and more girly tops..hmmm..i think i might just take yun ma's advice to become more "elegant and gentle". wahahahah! BAH.

hahahha. anyway, we realised that we cldnt talk while walking and shopping, so wenta nydc la. hahaha. ordered some drinks and slacked and talked alot..=) alot gossips and news..hahaha, miss those times..hahaha, and they were super mean ok! i ordered e=mc2 cos' i wanted to drink something chocolatey, then they were saying no use one. even if drink also the same. BAH. super horrible. hahahah. but its kinda true la. hee. hmmmm, i think it's sinful la. yesterday i had coffee bean's pure chocolate, today i had nydc's e=mc2 too! VERY BAD. hahahha. especially since i think im gonna die from lung cancer now. hahaha.

hmmm, anyway, steph was still having her CI meeting at marshe nearby and we were waiting for her. but we then got so tired of waiting, and wanted to surprise her by going there, then taking a group picture..hahahah. but she came out then la, so we decided to walk ard heerens. heh..bishi the shopping queen cldnt be stopped la. wah lau. :X

then we realised that we really not talking much when we walking, so decided go far east to continue talking. hahaha. sat at long john's to talk some more..hahaha, really enjoyed myself, considering it's really been SO LONGGGGG since i last saw some of them. :(

hee. then kr steph n pear had to go off, so me hel wt and bishi walked ard more at far east. that bishi really QIANG. i got nothing to say. hahahah. then ah ma and wt also had to leave, sighhhh, leaving me and bs alone. hahahha. no la, but it wasnt THAT bad, considering i saw some really nice stuff. :) ahhhh, i really wan that puma shirt. it's like super niceeee. :(

and that 190++ adidas sweater. it's like super niceee..vintage looking. i love! :) but..i doubt i'll be buying these stuff anytime soon. sobs. just gotta save lor. sighs.

wish me luck!!! :D

hahaha, on the train ride home, had a nice talk with bishi. VERY FUNNY. we were recalling those sec 3 and 4 days. us sitting together. our class people. our teachers.

us sitting together in class, the people ard us, the laughter we had, the sleeping sessions, the chinese lessons, the maths lessons, the teachers, the food, the drinks, the talking, the skilled taking we gained during sec 4, the scoldings, the scoldings we DIDNT deserve all cos' of ah ma and kr's singing..woahs..overwhelming to recall. those were the days man. *sighhh* miss them loads..

guess i'll only get to see them at the end of year..hahaha, hope we'll have fun..hmmm..

satisfying day, although din buy anything. hahaha, at least got to spend time with the people i love. hahaha.

Friday, July 01, 2005

ahhh.

no, i do not freaking feel any much better. my life is still as fucked up, my results will be STILL be fucked up, and i pretty much have no hope in life.

BUT, i still wanna thank all that have shown concern and care, giving me endless encouragement amidst my loss of self-confidence, my almost-depression mode, and also lending me a listening ear or me whining and complaining abt my sucky life and lousy brain.

thanks specially to yun ma, winnie, eugene, zihao, bishi, and many many more. i really don't know how to thank them. many times during this week of terror and dread, i simply felt the need to drop out of school and get out of all that shit that binded me to school--tests, exams and failing them. yet these people really stopped me from doing that. many a times i wanted to just end my life there and then, but these people were there for me. they kept me from losing my sanity. they kept me from giving up.

im really grateful for all the faith n encouragement u guys gave me. although im STILL gonna fail this block test2, but i guess at least i tried my best to STUDY. and i did really sit my big fat ass down to study hard. though probably not effectively.

im exhausted from everything. during this process of intense "mugging", i felt like i was losing my mind. losing my happiness. losing everything i used to have. but it was these people and their simple acts of kindness that touched my hearts and convinced me i was pretty much alive and shld stay that way. thank you, i hope u all know who u are. :)

i suffer from lack of slp, so much so that the eye rings under my eyes resembles that of an ah beng punching me in my eyes. that ah beng sure had accurate aims. man, am i sure glad for glasses for once. mask the ugliness behind. or perhaps, it didnt help at all. hah.

i still need slp anyway. im so glad that i din suffer from extreme crankiness from the lack of slp. i've also come to conclusion that my body clock is screwed from the hols. moreover, people cannot sustain for 3 weeks with only maximum of 5 hours slp per day. at least not for me. i almost died, and im not going to try that again. at least need greater psychological balance, so i can concentrate better.

it's just me against myself. im still trying to overcome myself.

i think i spent my entire life struggling and opposing the odds. i struggled during PSLE to get into rv. where i then struggled for 4 years of my adolescence--being sent to principal office for TEA, self-study sessions, meet the parents sessions etc etc. it's quite sad really. considering i was just another mediocre student in the school life. i struggled my way out of tt sch and ended up in jj where i did not struggle just as much during first 3 months. studying was no problem and yet i could still ace my tests. WAHAHHA. those were the days man.

sheesh. so now im here, in this school, struggling for about one year or so, failing pretty much everything since this year. in fact, i don't think i passed any maths test before. physics is becoming another major problem too. now, even my most interested subject--econs is also quite gone case. geog too. gp to add in. what is working out in my life? i do not see much.

im just thankful for what i still have left in my life though. and that basically adds up to friends.

the only conclusion i've come to in my life so far: i am just stupid and slow.

i bet no one can deny that fact.
--------------
went out today with yun ma and winnie after geog paper today. eugene met us later. hmmm, was slacking ard in bugis. was supposed to go shopping for MY stuff, but ended up buying stuff for my ma and sister. heh. both earings. but im quite happy with the purchases la. my sister was very happy with my little gift for her, so ya, it was nice to see that i am able to make people smile.

but anyway, today's outing was very fun and funny. hahahha. i cldnt stop laughing over many things. i think the released tension felt good. :) and the company was great too. talked quite abit.

saw eugene's flying spit with amazing projectile. the spit was quite large la. wah lau. but very drama. HAHAHAH. when me, winnie and eugene's eyes followed the spit. DAMN FUNNY. i cant forget tt moment. especially when we were VERY engaged in an interesting topic. :D internal joke la, only funny when u see it.

hmmm, did a bit of looking ard. still deciding to buy a plain fitting tee or a polo tee, or the costly alternative--an adidas polo tee. hahahha. shit. i'll have to think through first. hahahha.

then there were talks abt our ideal counterparts, loads of jackings, and tons of laughing. hahaha. ithink my face cramped a couple of times, not to mention the stomach aches. hahahah. :) thanks guys, i enjoyed the outing tremendously!

coffee bean rocks when it comes to slacking and chilling out. especially when i get to cosy up to a couch!!! :D sooooo satisfied.

hahhha. yun ma and i have come to conclusion that we are "excluded" from the comfy team of two people during the mini outing. hahahaha. reminds me of geog..exclusion. BAH. but nvm la, very sweet. :)

ehhh, i actually wrote 10% intellectual stuff for geog today. quite ok. but can pass gd liao. one of 4 subs to pass. not bad.

me:i like tall, tanned and guys who are sporty....
yun ma:orhhhh...i know who liao...
me:must be quite rich also..wo yao jia ge you qian ren. HAHAHA.
yun ma:aiyo..i wanted to say deepan one..

WAHAHAHAH. firstly, deepan is naturally tanned la(that i agree). secondly, he IS quite sporty and tall. but don't worry huifang, i wont snatch best friend away from u. :D

im praying u won't see this.