Tuesday, June 28, 2005

i feel so fucked up now i just want to drop out of school.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

killing mode.

i just typed an entire entry and my net just collapsed infront of me. i did not copy my entry or whatsoever before hand, and the window just AUTOMATICALLY CLOSED INFRONT OF ME. i think im in traumatic shock. and i feel like killing someone or something. the problem is i dunno what or who to kill. the computer? my net? me? or someone else.

gRrr. i was in such a gd mood, but like shih jie says on msn now, everything happens for a reason. so i hope that reason better me a fishing good one, cos' i lost my mood to retype everything now.

anyways, since it was a pretty good day, i think i shall retype, for my own memory's sake. i have goldfish memory.

i spent the first half of my day stoning, slacking, singing outloud to songs on my shuffle, watching my ma iron the clothes, waited for the aircon man to finish fixing the living room aircon, ate some stuff and bathed. oh, i even tried some maths Q. and thanks to my retarded brain, i got 3/4 of my answers wrong. yay. then got ready to go out for my mother's mother birthday.

fetched my wai po from her house, then headed to chinatown. hmmm, chinatown seems to always be the place to celebrate my mother's mother birthday. hahaha. and i have no idea why. but the place was bursting at its seams today. my father took around half an hour to get a stupid parking lot after going to many many parking lots all over chinatown. no idea why on a perfect saturday night, people crowd around in chinatown instead of town. hahahha. then again, chinatown is a pretty quaint place. i fell in love with the place again today. :) will elaborate much later.

so eventually, we went to the SAME restaurant, sat at the SAME table, ate the SAME food, and the SAME people attended the celebration. hahaha. how new can things get i wonder? only that me and my sis noticed changes in our other cousin who turned up. yups. grew older la. i think in sec sch already. hahaha. my sis says she looks more "qian bian" now. and u noe i actually disliked her from young. i forgot what was the reason la, but now i pretty much ignore her. hahaha, don't get chances to talk to her tt often anyway. not close at all. i think even her parents don't like me. hahahha. sometimes i hate my attitude, then again, i don't find the need to pacify people ard me at the expense of my happiness. though i do compromise at times ok..i greet respectfully, and i smile and make conversation.

but anyway, that cousin looked less "qian bian" as the meal progressed. she even smiled at me. omg. i think the teenage hormones made her go crazy. hahahha. then again, my sis and i were having a blast ourselves. we cldnt stop talking abt everything. from the food on the table, the people sitting ard us, and even the waitresses. hahaha. the whole meal was hilarious la.

firstly was the food. since it was a 8( or 9 i forgot) coursemeal, it was pretty much a cheena feast. there were things we liked and disliked. we both loved the chicken, but whereas she loved the fish, i hated it. and so and. hahaha. at one point, i even made a bet with my pa and my sis that if i can pick up the fish's eyeballs with my chopsticks, then my father wld have to give me $50. HAHAHA. i think my pa was very confident i wldnt be able to do that since he cldnt. ok la, the starting was pretty difficult considering it was swimming abt in that disgusting gravy. hahahha. i managed to get it "onshore" and proceeded to try picking it up la. after one minute, i succeeded! WAHAHAHAHA. my father was stunned i tell u. i think he feels $50 poorer. hee. then again, i doubt he'll give me the money anyway. everyone, bow to the chopsticks PRO! :D

so anyway, that cousin heard la. and she was laughing away too. hmmm. funny. hahahha, since i din add her to our conversation. but i think my struggle with the dumb eyeball was pretty obvious la. BAH. not so pro afterall. hahahha. :)

then there was a point in time when two males came upstairs to the restaurant and sat at a two-seater table behind me and my sis. but my back was directly facing them so i cldnt really observe them. but my sis cld see them at an angle, then she kept complaining that the two men kept staring over at our food. hahahaha. so i told her maybe they want to see what we eating la. after the meal ended, my sis reported that they were still staring. so i told her maybe they staring at her. she punched me. then dessert arrived. then they were staring again. then i thot maybe they wanted to check out our dessert too. so i tilted my bowl and said very loudly: EHHHH, SOOOO NICE LEHHHHH! i think im a very sarcastic person. sigh. it's bad i think. then again, staring at people is RUDE. i think they knew i was arrowing them la, then they eventually stopped staring.

hahahha. the restaurant's waitresses are pretty cute too. all aunties. then everytime got customers enter the restaurant want to come upstairs, the auntie at the door wld shout: LOU SHANG YOU WEI MA?!!! which translates to meaning: is there any unoccupied table upstairs?

hahaha, then the aunties upstairs wld shout down: YOU!!! which means have la. hahahha. it's hilarious. after a while, my sis and i wld start shouting back too. i think it's lame. shit..super throw face. lucky not much people. hahahha.

hmmmm, we left soon after dessert la. parted ways, then sent wai po home. hmmmm. i think today im really in a thinking mode.

hahaha, anyway i saw many really nice pubs with excellent ambience. i think i might go try them out one day. since im LEGAL already. wahahha. the little shop houses along the roads really have beautiful architecture. i fell in love with the buildings. so quaint, so gentle, so mysterious. bearing the history, yet making the present. ahhh, i wanna get a good cam soon so i can go take down all the pics of the places and things i saw. so in love with the world around me. nv fails to amaze me.

sigh. it's officially reading 12:54am on my computer clock. this means that after today ends, my exams starts officially. actually im terrified. but i remember what ms tan said after our consultation: just carry what u have learnt into the examination hall and don't panic abt what u haven't learnt. make the best of what you've got.

makes sense eh? since i'll be carrying many un-learnt stuff, might as well concentrate on what i've learnt and tried my best. i've lagged behind too long and one hols is not going to make me a genius. guess there is always a price for everything.

sigh. i hope God is reading my blog, so he can help me do something abt myself. hahahaha.

by the way, if any of u are wondering, im a free thinker.

i believe in everything. especially myself. but when i lose faith, im basically hopeless.

BAH. god bless me.

i've been a good girl today. :D

and sometimes i wonder, perhaps when u do not need me anymore, just discard me to one side.
cos' since im so willingly available whenever u need me to be by your side.
perhaps im dumb.
but i believe this is friendship.

Friday, June 24, 2005

and they say.

someone once told me that in order to mug, sometimes u just have to forgo your social life. hahaha, that is quoting from a gd senior of mine. hmmmm. and he obtained reasonable grades. and he is very very hardworking, and very very smart in the top 3 JCs. this means that there is a high possibility that i might get worse-off grades than him. since theoretically i did much worse than his Os, and i ended up a in lower ranking school, and im not coping well. hahahha. but im willing to defy fate. BAH. and i told him i'll win him in grades.

hopefully i do. so he wun laugh at me. :P

heh. actually im pretty amazed with myself. hahahha. firstly, do not say that im self-consoling cos the truth is that i spent like more than ONE day on maths. and im actually trying out my tutorials. okok, perhaps these chapters are easy by you guys standards, but they are not for me ok. im kinda like intellectually challenged when it comes to MATHS. gRrrr. doing and studying maths is like going to see the principal. BAH. i shall not go into details abt that.

i met the principal in my sec sch for tea after my mid yrs.

i hope i will not meet this principal in this sch after my bt2.

i cant imagine.
and i don't want to.

ok, fine, so i am not done studying maths either. left 2 more tutorials to do. hmmmm. i just hope i will not fail la. if i fail for these few chapters, i think i do not have much hope for Alevel maths already. sigh.

another problem is i do not have tuition unlike most people. so this means i'll have to rely on myself. yea, just like the Os, and the PSLE. heh. wish me luck.

later today im going celebrate my mother's mother birthday.hahaha. which is my wai po lar..hahaha..hope it'll be fun. hmmm..

i really cannot wait for all this shit to end. den i wanna go out and havoc. hahaha! :) loads of shopping to do. loads of catching up with friends..rmb ok regx! we must meet up!!! sorry din go to the sjab anniversary. :P

hahahha. now talking to daniel online. a long lost platoon mate from sjab course days. wahahaha. super funny now recounting everything. esp cos' our birthdays collided in the course days, so we celebrated there. hahahha..very very memorable. darn, i miss them! =X foxtrot rocks!!!! :)

it's times like these that make me treasure my friends more.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

doctor.

finally went to see the doctor today.

he seemed rather shocked tt i finally went to seek medical attention after being sick for so long. hahahah. but he was pretty funny. first time seeing that doctor.

BUT, the stupid auntie issuing the medication sucks. she cldnt even be bothered to tell me the dosage i shld consume when i went to the counter to collect my medicine.

wtf.

the most disgusting thing was that she talked to the other MALE patients. BAH. talk abt middle-aged aunties. gRrr. im starting to anti-certain-middle-age-aunties.

yesterday wenta cut my hair with my sis and went for a little shopping trip with her. hahaha. den we wenta the market to get something to drink. ended up at the soya bean and ching chao stall. we stood there waiting to tell her our orders, and guess what was that woman doing???!! she was flirting with a middle-aged man. oh god. i wanted to puke there and then. do the stall-keepers always do this? cos' this is my first time seeing such a turn-off sight. i mean, wld someone ignore business just to flirt, and infront of her customers???! she took a freaking 5 mins to get our drinks ready anyway. i was quite pissed.

call me a brat. spoilt. whatever. but i still think its inappropriate.

bah. i guess i'll stop here.

i hate tablets.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

.

oh yar, the thought of that new SMU building just cant seem to get out of my mind. i think tt's my inspiration. my dream. :)

silent musings.

finally came online to pen out my musings. too much. too worrying. yet im like trying my best to ignore them. i seem to be having bad dreams since god knows when. and the worst thing is tt the dreams are almost illogical and DUMB. plain dumb. BAH. i dreamt abt chickens and ants yesterday. tell me how dumb was tt.

sigh. anyway, studying so far isnt very gd. though by right i've completed all my subs, but "completed" meaning nv practice tutorials or wadeva. and besides, i cant even guarantee myself that i rmbed everything i've learnt. double bah.

gonna start doing tut soon. sigh. im like way behind, all maths tut blank. BLANK. and i realised my maths notes were BLANK too, so i had to borrow them from yun ma during the flag day to copy. and yun ma finished studying her maths already, so she kindly lent me home to copy(cos they were FREAKING ALOT). haix.

just now watched project superstar. the first time i managed to catch a glimpse of the tv today. hmmm. quite ok la. all got some quality, so i dun feel like strangling them. hahahaha. then i told my sis i think one guy very cute, so i support. BUT, she had to say he looks like cheena guy. PLEASE LOR, DON'T OK!!! gRrr. my taste cant be that bad la! :P hahahah. but sadly, tt guy cldnt sing. i guess god made us perfect somewhere and imperfect somewhere! :) and oh, he got the lowest score of all the guys, and jie cldnt stop laughing at me. triple bah.

oh yea, i cut my hair finally. super happy. cos the weather is freaking stupily HOT, and i have like many many new pimples tt popped out from nowhere despite drinking almost 5 litres of water everyday. gRrr. and im getting fatter and fairer. this all dun sound good eh? dun look gd either. :( the haircut was ok. but its so frizzy now it pokes up like antennas searching for frequencies to tap on. WAHAHAHA. shit, im really mentally unbalanced. =X

hmmm, these arent my musings actually. the large portion of them boils down to the Alevels and the grades im going to have. and what im gonna do in life. who im gonna meet in life. and i just realised that i am very OLD. BAH. i realised tt when i went to my popo house for lunch two days ago. then i saw my nephews and cousins there. the youngest there was kindergarten 1 or 2 i think. then i was calculating..if i were to be 18, and her 3 or 4 yrs old. then when im twice my present age--36, she would only be 21!!! just completing her university days! and it just hit me like a piano dropping from 100th storey above me, that my life had just whizzed by me, and me being an idiot, has been standing there and letting my life waste before me. practically WASTE. shucks. i can use my fingers to count the number of achievements and happiness moments in my life so far, and i call that sad. but, i aim to achieve more in the future, cos' i had made up my mind since i was young not to lead a normal life. no, i mean no insult. a normal life, be in housewife or a regular office worker is not insignificant, but i just plan to inject more power, colour, finance, freedom, status and pride into my life. something that i can die one day and smile, saying that i've not regretted living my life.

but first, let's be real. if i cant even get past this a-hole Alevels, then there is almost no point talking "big" abt all this shit right? the world is practical and harsh. if we dun have what it takes for them to even take a glance in our direction, then we wld nv make it. life is abt grabbing the given chances, and if we do not even have those chances given to us, then i think plainly using all our might to create those chances is going to drain all our energy. sure, some of the people who struggled have emerged victorious. and i admire them. but i've admitted tt that i do not have such strength to fight so hard. not now. im not sure abt the future.

let me just reconsolidate my thoughts. but first, abt block test 2. im quite sure that i will not do well for it.it's just too late to regret now. and i've also realised that the As are fast approaching, and i have almost no idea of the past yr and this yr's work content. im so dead. and in like a few months, im supposed to sit for this exam whereby the examiners think the candidates know their stuff. and all this don't add up for me. im quite screwed in a sense.

just like the Os. then again, i won't just go down like that. that's not me. fight, i will. try, i will. it's me against myself.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

BAH.

seems like many many things haben these days but very tired lazy to update la. hmmm..oh yea, studying with bishi was highly unproductive, but at least got to spend some time together. and ya, buying of the nice nice piggy hp cover to make my poor 3315 look less lousy. wahahahaha. hey, it's gonna be with me for like 4 plus months more ok! hahaha, i call tt gd investment, though it left me broke for the weekened. gRrr. my sis says its lousy investment. LOL. nvm la, i like can already. BAH.

hmmm, the flag day for the yellow ribbon project was highly refreshing and interesting. been like one yr since i did flag days. hmmm, i kina forgot how itll feel to be snubbed, but hey, i think my luck was up yesterday cos' i din get snubbed much at all. almost everyone donated. the old people are really nice peeps man. hahahaha. i was situated at some small stairway from the hdb blocks to a pavement. across the pavement was a food market, and of cos' yun ma and seo hoon. winnie was walking ard collecting donations. woahs, i was pretty happy there because there were many many trees to shade me from the horrible sun. heee. but then came a flock of crows tt kept flying and yakking above my head i was quite worried tt they wld shit on me. i seem to have too much "fate" with birdshit-s. bleh.

so anyway, i met many nice old people who were very kind and smiley and generous. =) dunno y i felt quite happy yesterday doing the flagday. maybe cos' i love the elderly? reminds me of my ah gong and popo. hee. really nice la they all. got one uncle even offered me to drink kopi-o. LOL. then he kept telling me abt the eldery condo and how rich the people there were. then some aunties told me to go to the market to collect money cos there more people. then one really old grandma put down all her plastic bags to stop and donate to me. woahs, i was super touched la. i even offered to help her carry her stuff but she insisted on going herself though the bags were very heavy. mans..but she thanked me profusely la. i think tt was the nicest granny i've ever met. very friendly and kind. :)
besides, i feel happy doing things i believe in. people, pls support the yellow ribbon project!! help unlock the second prison, cos' everyone deserves a second chance. :)

many many more nice people i met today. got ard 3 5 dollar notes and 7 2 dollar notes, many fifty cent coins and one dollar coins. hee. HALF A DAY ONLY LEH. wahh, in fact less than half la. since all of us stopped quite early and wenta slack n relax cos we were so tired. LOL. sHhhh. but quite fun! had a pretty gd day.

at night wenta revendous(issit how u spell tt) hotel to eat dinner with parents n sis to celebrate father's bdae and father's day. hee. nice nice la, ate alot. damn fattening. gRrr. and we had ice cream cake for his bdae cake. wahhhh. lately nv exercise at all la. die.

oh ya, winnie got me a nice cap from australia band trip. thanks girl! :) like it alot..hmmm..im sick of my songs in my shuffle, can someone pls send me more new songs to liven it up? :)

there's this pain inside, that sleeps with just one eye.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

wierd.

i had to forgo the outing to town and airport with darling and marshy cos' i had to study and my parents were getting quite upset with me. anyway, although i already sent a welcome back msg..WELCOME HOME WINNIE! :) im sure darling is super super duper happy to have u back!!! hee.

it's the strangest day.
it's amazing how many kinds of emotions one can feel in just one day.

in the morning, i was exhausted and hungry.

on the bus to mrt i saw a old lady on my bus. she was squinting through the windows to look for a bus stop, which i presume is the stop she wanted to alight at. she seemed lost and cautious. outside, i saw a old man hobbling, leaning on his worn out umbrella. he stumbled into a pool of rainwater and mud water. he stopped momentarily to pull up his trousers, but he still got them wet. it was as if he was too weak to hobble his way out of the huge puddle, and so he continued hobbling in the puddle. i don't know why, but i just have an extremely soft spot for the elderly and the young. it's wierd--how can you love people you don't even know? i felt pain in my chest.(im serious) no, im not suffering from heart attack or whatsoever. i just felt heartache.

i will become old one day too. what will happen to me when im old? this is not a good place to grow old in. things ard me will be progressing at a scary rate, and me, will just be another hobbling creature on the sidelines of this fast paced society. it's scary. the thought of being outcasted and left alone. neglected. helpless and weak. cold hard world out there.

at coffee bean, i felt irritated because there was a group of teenagers, presumbly secondary school kids. they were very very VERY irritating. can u believe it? they actually found the idea of pouring drinks(yes, coffee or tea or chocolate i have no idea) into their friend's bag while he is in the toilet. HELLO. even when i was in my early stages of adolescence, i didnt pour drinks into my friends back. it's like SICK ok. water is ok. but COLOURED drinks are STICKY, and just plain gross. and it's not like his bag was empty. gRrr. the worst thing was that they were sitting beside me. and they were yakking non-stop abt their oh-so-nice camera phones tt i wanted to throw my ancient 3310 at them. GRRRR. then was yakking abt their homework and whatever groups for project. like HELLO!!! not the entire coffee bean wants to hear abt their lousy loser life in sec school right??!! god, they were talking like some bunch of irritating PESTS. grrr. perhaps i was once like that, but i think i was less discreet. super irritated, makes me blood boil to think of them now.

BAH.

then i felt cold and hungry cos' it was a rainy day.

then i felt excited cos' i saw super cheap sneakers at converse on my way to the toilet.(but i didnt buy of cos)

then i felt distracted because a gd-looking guy sat beside me studying.

then i felt tired because i hate studying.

then i felt fed-up, and decided to go home since the pests were apparently not moving till god-knows-when and i cldnt concentrate.

then i reached home and felt very slacked and watched tv.

super unproductive day.

and i just checked my calendar. im like super dead. so little days. so much left. die.


DIE. D-I-E.

god bless me. give me strength, focus, courage and wisdom please.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

*screams*

things i really really really REALLY want:

1) nice nice tee shirts
2) nice skirts
3) a nice belt
4) a nice slipper. (btw, mine broke like last week. sobs)
5) a NEW 3G HANDPHONE
6) a good haircut


BAH. i feel sicker by the second, minute, hour, day.

and i love my chemical romance.

pardon the language. quoting:

i'm not o-fucking-k.

laziness.

yes, i think im the laziest bum alive.

hmmm, thurs going studying with bishi..haix. vikky and mike's study date with me cancelled cos vikky has ns medical checkup. BAH. am i disappointed and upset or wad. nvm la. i din reply him also..hai..feeling too sad liao..hahaha. i haf no idea why im so upset.

hmmm. but anyways, im sure tt day studying with my love with be a rather fun one. :)

and oh, friday's my father's bdae already! darn. haben gotten any present.

u noe, i think im the slowest studying student ard. i kinda hate myself.

it's the great singapore sale for god's sake, and i havent bought a single shit. im so sad. want to go shopping. but lack time, financial means and a excellent shopping partner. hahahaha!

you know, i have no idea why im feeling so sick lately. sucks. feverish and all. i think im falling really sick soon. yays to me.

die die.

super no discipline. for starters, i woke up late. supposed to meet monz at 1030, but i woke at 10. die die. i msged monz after i bathed to check if she's awake. yays. turns out tt she's worse. just woke up. hahahaha. i think awoken by mt msg. aiyo. so she like took a million yrs to get ready and meet me to go hf's house. super late la. cant stand it. standing at the dover mrt there, saw alot of poly students..sometimes i wonder what my life will be like if i were a poly student. many many ifs..sigh.

so anyway, we managed to get there la. ahahah. supposed to STUDY. but apparently it wasnt successful. only did a mere few pages of the notes and then slacked most of the day away. playing PS2. talking. crapping. slacking. locking monz out of the room. eating hf's nice instant noodles. then finally the ultimate--watching movie. hahahah. watched the ultra cheap movie at clementi. 5 bucks only ok! it's like freaking cheap. and no, there weren't cockroaches or whatsoever. hahaha. mr and mrs smith is indeed quite worth the watch. hmmm. angelina jolie is some hot and sexy woman man. sheEsh. but i felt tt the "climax" of the movie wasn't really tt climax at all. =X

ate dinner at some jap restaurant nearby. played arcade before that. than played arcade again AFTER the meal. BAH. super no discipline. die die. hahaha. oh yea, best fren came. hmmmmmmmmmmmm. *smirks* hahahahah. no comments.

so anyway, me and monz headed int he mrt direction, she to take train and me to take bus. hf and best fren headed off to another bus stop. hmmmmm. :D yea, luck on my side, bus came when i came. yays. got home. so here i am. gonna study now. sigh. super no time la. die die.

ehhh, some funny stuff.

taking lift down from hf's house.
-lift stops at 6th storey-
-i step out thinking tt reached grd floor-
-monz follows behind me-
"bye bye" says huifang.
-me and monz stunned-
-huifang is in convulsions of giggles-

BAHHHH. hey, i may be dumb, but monz is dumber!


going into the cinema. our theatre was cinema one.
-monz first, hf, then me in line to get our tickets torn-
-monz tic torn by auntie. she steps straight into a passage for theatre 3-
"one one!" the auntie says.
"yes..one, one..." monz repeats, looking ard.

(ps: one or "wan" in chinese means to turn)
apparently monz thought the auntie was telling her to TURN.
"ONE, ONE!!!" the auntie repeats again, sounding more frustrated.
"i know la. ONE." monz turns more profusely again.

-im already laughing like shit. hf also-
"THEATRE ONE LA!" the auntie finally exclaims.
"ORHHHHH" monz finally turns and walk out of the passage to find theatre ONE.


in the cinema.
-huifang finished her own big gulp within half of the movie. which was also the "climax" of the movie-
"ehh monz, i finished my drink liao leh."
"i also leh."
"how ah, the movie going to climax liao. i also need to climax liao. need to go toilet.
"go toilet la."
"but i want to watch leh. going to climax liao."

HAHAHAHAHA. damn. i was trying to ignore the both of them for the entire movie. hahaha.

ok. so my narration aint tt great. but thinking abt all the funny and stupid stuff again i cant help but laugh. damn, it was freaking fun and funny today. :) though im guilt-stricken now. BAH.

so much more funny stuff. cant stand monz. but still i love her. :) and of cos, i love hf too. hee.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

gone and forgotten.

sometimes, i just cant help it but wonder: why, do people change?

you and i. we once were very very close friends. very very gd friends. nothing were secrets between us. nothing was uncomfortable.

but now, we are nothing but strangers. yes, we both now live in the past. so what if we say hi to each other, try to talk to each other and pretend and behave like we are the best of friends? so what if we can do all that and yet i do not know u at all. i hardly know what u are thinking, what you love, what are your likes and dislikes. u are nothing but a stranger to me. familiar and yet unfamiliar. the memory i have of u are those of the past. the past of you tt i love, tt i treasure and tt i want back.

yet it's impossible. the stark contrast in personality. the drastic change in character. i miss you. i miss the old you. do u know that? do u even think of the good old days we used to have when in secondary school? do you even regard me as a very good and close friend of yours in which u will confide in? i hardly know you. staring at the msn list on my computer screen, i often contemplate whether to double click on it or not to.

so what if i do say hi? our conversation merely stops at that. a few words and there. meaningless and shallow. so what if i don't? i see no loss at not doing so. afterall, what's the difference between clicking and not? the results are almost the same. so, i often choose not to. and neither do u click on my name either.

we used to be able to read each other's minds, hearts, thoughts, feelings, emotions. now, i hardly can see through u. i don't know if there's a mask or is it really you i see now. perhaps it's me who has changed and not you. but i just cant help but see that drastic alteration in you. everything about u is different. it makes me sad to even be close to you again. all because i know and not know u at the same time.

it's a wierd feeling. losing and yet not exactly losing you. i've just lost your friendship and yet you're just still here. it's not gone, yet almost gone.

you're nothing much, but a stranger-friend.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

under no roof.

in short, the day was quite meaninglessly spent. it's quite sad, not what i had imagined it to be. nevertheless, it was overall quite tiring. aching now, think too long nv exercise already. hahaha, quite boring la, i think it wasnt what i had made it out to be. too high expectations of the thing already. hmmmm. so anyway, it was a pretty ok day la. my grp was fine. made me think abt the ocip trip and last year's under no roof. hahahha. quite different. the winner team got to go to sri lanka tsunami stricken areas. :X so gd rite???!!! sigh. ok so it's pretty obvious we din get it. hmmm, my team's name was BA ZANG. as in DUMPLING. hahahaha. dots. there were other meanings but veh mean all thanks to zihao and berd. :P ehhh, had two facilitators: kim and alvin. ok la, they are nice ppl. hahahah.

then there was a part tt was quite hilarious. u know cos' there were two of us that were "disabled". and the two were zh and berd. then they had to tie their hands together. so they had to cooperate and coordinate alot. hahaha. super irritating i tell u. hmmm. but provided alot of entertainment. hee. and oh ya, they alwaes walked behind all of us, and plus tt alvin who kept sms-ing. hahaha. so ziwan called then "na xia zou zai hou mian de slackers". and u know she's like super loud la. hahahah. it was very funny cos' after they were disabled and zw n audrey became the disabled ppl, the three guys suddenly walk very fast. hahaha, everyone started walking VERY fast. then berd was being an idiot and purposely kept swinging his arms infront the two of them, so they had to run to kick his butt. hahahaha.

den tt alvin also walked damn fast. hahahah. asked him to read sms so he will lag he also dunwan. hahaha, and insists tt even if he read sms also wun lag. so he tried to prove it by walking fast n reading at the same time. then me n ling xiang thot tt if he dun lag, we'll make it look like he lags. hahahha. so we ran to overshoot him. LOL. i tell u we are damn lame la. then he also started runnning. hahahah. i think almost the entire team was running la. but for fun.

there was a station where u're supposed to squat and stone for 30mins without moving and also there was a certain style for squatting tt was allowed and not allowed. we werent allowed to talk, go to toilet, sit on thw grd, support with our hands, or even see. we were blind folded. hehs. it was super sian la. but i din care la. i just fell aslp so easily. even got stimulated "rain" ok. is tt cool or wad. yea, it made me quite cooled. wahahahah! turns out i wasnt the only one who slpt la. hahahha. wah veh boring la, u cant hlep it one. and i dun understand the concept. i mean if the grd is really dirty, i'll just sit on the floor ok. who cares.

im so tired now. maybe it's the lack of slp la. yawns.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

feeling ill.

bAh. i feel ill. feverish and uneasiness throughout my entire body. this sucks man. think im lacking in GOOD SLEEP. not just SLEEP. i cant sleep WELL lately. not restful at all..in fact it has been rather troubling. and i wonder why.

anyway, yesterday wenta watch star wars(finally) with gene, hao and meiyi. actually was only hao n meiyi la. but me n gene chup in lo.

and yar, the highlight of the day occurred when darling gave me my birthday present. in fact, i was really stunned when he handed me the present. i thot he din bother..BUT, the largest shock came when hao was guessing the contents of the present. i was thinking of going home to open it and all, but hao kept hinting at me what it was. then i realised.

it was an ipod shuffle.

oh god. *gasps for air*

*faints*

hahahha. no la, i din faint. but my heart was beating so fast i cldnt breathe properly. i was overwhelmed i din noe wad to say. because it is such an expensive gift. but yet something tt i really really wanted. i didnt know how to feel. i didnt know what to feel.

gratitude. touched. overwhelmed with emotions. happy. excited. exuberant.

thanks to eugene darling and winnie for this wonderful present. really really cant thank u guys enough. i just wanna hug n kiss u both. HAHAHAH. oOps. i think i cant. :P

ehhh..btw, the card was really gd. i loved the postcard. really inspirational..thnaks darling. i love u loads!!! and i love winnie loads too!!!! jiayou jiayou. dun miss her too much kaes? im sure she'll be fine..:)

so now. im ill but shuffling. hahahah. many many songs. many many combinations. this is really wad i love. unpredictability. no sequence. just any song. it really doesnt matter, cos' i love every song. :)

and i love my friends.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

070605

hahahah. ok. i have alot to say and thank, but im really tired now. hmmm..hafta thank alot ppl for their sms wishing me happy birthday. heh.

thanks to kairu, steph, pear, alex, zhijun, revan, monz, tracy, jieru, bing hong, hema, monky, vivek, francis, marcus, roy, wanwei, LOUIS, jee cheng, my family, my sis, and alot alot more. really. so many ppl wished me happy birthday tt i was really touched. alot ppl i din even think wld remember..im sorry if i forgot to add in some ppl..my memory is failing me. and my hp sucks. inbox super small. haix.

thanks to bishi, zihao, eugene, yun ma for celebrating my bdae with me today!:) hahaha. really enjoyed myself alot. hmmms. the sushi buffet was fun AND funny. hahaha. operation plastic bag was quite successful. lol. i cldnt stop laughing. and yes, marshy's antics are quite bad. lol. not mentioning tt ultra horrible pic i took with one of the waiter. sighs. ok. hahaha. the movie was funny too! hahaha. cldnt stop laughing. but damn touching la. aiyoyo. hmmm. thanks for the present too. i was so "surprised". HAHAHA. i love it. :)

oh ya, congrats to gene darling for today! hee. jaiyou and all the way. hope u have happiness with her from today ok. dun miss her so much u forgot totally abt me ah. =(

hehs. i really loved the dream catcher given to me by sis too! hahaha. she knew i loved dream catchers but nv had the ability to get one cos it was so ex and hard to attain. :) and the bracelet is so me la! really thanks millions. u alwaes get stuff i like! :D

oh ya, to zhijun for the beautiful precious thoughts puzzle. really thanks man! hahaha. i gave u a puzzle back then, and u gave me a puzzle back! hahaha. really gd work liao. dun worry. i love it. :) must get together some time to talk ok!

ehhh, to yh bro for the piggy stuffs. im so sorry u went ard the whole island to find lavender. hahaha. u shld haf asked me first abt it la. it's really hard to get lavender in singapore. u're not the first to have failed! hahaha. :) chEerio. im sorry u wasted the entire day and energy! :X

mans. today went town. went into many shops. suddenly had the urge to shop and shop. but no time n money. sobs. hahaha. wanna do it some day! :X

eh, oh ya, bs got approached by some model agency la. wah lau. hahaha. but she rejected. hehs. dunno y. and she thinks she's fat. what the h*ll!!! hello, i think all her fats are in her..*erhem* la..=D she cldnt stop lookin into the mirror FOR THE ENTIRE DAY. ppl try clothes look at the body which has the clothe, but she look into mirror. walk past one mirror must check reflection. even those escalators with mirror sides. i wan puke blood already.

hahaha, i think i too long nv hang out with her. sighs. i guess ppl do change. hmmms.

and yun ma was being idiotic by choosing all the pink and ugly stuff for me. hahaha. so i irritated her back by doing the same la. :P

i wanna cut hair. haix. i dun like long hair. the weather sucks. super hot.=( i look bad in long hair. or perhaps i just look bad all the time. BAH.

u know, what and how do u feel when a really gd fren of yours left ur life one yr back, then suddenly popped back into u life again? and u feel really confused. cos' tt fren really meant alot to u, and is really really sweet and kind and uderstanding. hmmmm. shldnt have any stupid thots i think. sigh. but really. i think ppl(guys) shldnt be so nice to me. im easily touched and when ppl are TOO nice to me, i feel obliged. or i might just feel..wierd. yea. i fall for ppl who are really nice. hmmm. BUT, i believe strongly in having a clear boundary btw me and my friends(guys). i nv cross tt line, and i wish i'll nv haf to.

happy 18th birthday to meeee! heh. 18 already. so old. so legal. BAH. back to studying n mugging. i hope. birthday wishes. i love them. =)

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

:)

i feel very very loved. :)

thanks to many many wonderful ppl in my life. hehs. :D *smiles*

in no order of merit ah:

thanks da bian! u were the first person to wish me happy birthday by sms! hahahaha. i love u sooo much la. miss u alot alot also. rmb our team outing k! regx better organise it sooooon!!! :)

thanks to regx darling. really really love u all alot. i dunno how else to put it. super touched when i read all ur sms.

thanks to sharon(goh) who wished me early happy bdae cos she was going off to ubin for camp. hahaha. :) hope she still haben meet wild boar yet! :P

thanks to sharon (DUCK!) for the super sweet wishes! i loveeee u guys loads loads man. ok la, i love u too la! :P everything may have ended, but the team has not ended! :)

thanks to eugene darling(1st darling)!! hahaha. dun feel pressurised! in a few hours time we'll be meeting up and the sushi fest shall begin! hee. muacks muacksssss!! i love u tooooo! hahahah. WE ARE 18!!! CAN DRINK BEER ALREADY. lol. we shall have so much fun picking sushi for each other. *waves banner: NO FISH!!!*

thanks to BESTEST FREN. lol. u FORGOT my birthday!! BUT, u redeemed urself! wahahaha! super touched u actually wenta dig up our old class list to check up on my birthday! and u wished me..though late but not very late! :D muacks muacks. lol. I LOVE u ok! this is wad bestest frens are for!!! RMB YOUR PIANO PIECE OF "CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT" AH! im waiting.

thanks to abbas! for wishing me happy bdae too! hahaha. u are alwaes so sweet. really! rmb, NO EXPENSIVE PRESENTS!!! :) *hugs*

thanks to ck for the sms too. hahaha. ya, we are really all getting older liao. sad? :P hee. but fret not. cos' our frenship will be there alwaes!! :) must try to study hard ok!!! WRITE FASTER!

thanks to yk. for the really sweet and touching gesture tt caught me totally off guard. the small cake and candle and the milk bottle of marshmellows. hahaha. really. i was speechless. thank u so much. :)

thanks to mp. for the early present! hahaha. we shall share more happy moments together! and i really must start to believe!! :)

thanks to turkey hf, who wished me happy birthday before she went off to slp! :) hahaha. u've done so much already, i dunno how to show u i really treasure this frenship..cant wait to study together. hahaha! though i think might not be able to stay over! :(

thanks to yonghe bro for everything. u are really a gd gd bro. :)

thanks to jeff the chikorbei who shares the same bdae as me! :P u forgot din u!! hahaha, or maybe u in army camp la. ok..forgiven. hahaha.

thanks to a bunch of crazy peeps. i think inside got deepan, hanis, johan, jill(?), keane. hahaha. i cldnt hear who was who la. super noisy. but u guys really funny. i cldnt believe it. it's the first time someone has done tt for me..really made me tear la. *rubs eyes* surprise birthday call, nice birthday song, and even funnier birthday wishes. u guys really made my day. i love u all so much! :)

thanks to vikKy dear. hahaha. u dunno how much ur sms meant so much to me. really miss u alot alot! dun worry ok. wadeva tt happens, u'll haf me supporting u. mustnt let anything get u down! really. SMILE! cos' u are absolutely cuteeee when u smile. love yaa! :)

thanks to yuan shen for the 2 days in advanced happy bdae. hahahah. cant stand tt monkey, but i really appreciate the frenship! :)

thanks to syaf too! though u cant make it to the buffet later! but enjoy urself kaes! :)

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ok i seriously cant think already. i think i may have missed out more pple. hahaha. but i'll add them in later today! :) really really touched by my birthday.

no expectations. no hopes. no wants. no desires. no nothing. yet u all gave me everything. friendship and love. :) im so touched and feeling so loved i just wanna cry. hahaha.

yes, i can feel the love tonight. *smiles*

Sunday, June 05, 2005

this is why i love my bro.

you know, one of the things why i love my bro is these:

我是个傻瓜 says:
i agree tt u have flaws
我是个傻瓜 says:
some u cannot change
我是个傻瓜 says:
but i like u the way u are ( as a bro la)
我是个傻瓜 says:
which is y watever flaw u have
我是个傻瓜 says:
i will accept or convert it to something positive


touching right?

我是个傻瓜 says:
ya im like a koala
我是个傻瓜 says:
need my 18 hrs slp
我是个傻瓜 says:
or else i get pissed and start scratching pple

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. take a look at me now. hakuna matata (: // have courage] says:
u better go get some rest now
*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. take a look at me now. hakuna matata (: // have courage] says:
im thankful u haben scratched me or pissed off so far

我是个傻瓜 says:
haha.. i think the most i will do to u is to give u a koala hug then go on to eat my eucalyptus leaves



ok. that's FUNNY and sweet. damn. i love my bros. i love m friends. :)

kill me.

as in REALLY kill me la. im super screwed if i dun settle down to do some serious work. sigh.

im so gonna flunk bt2. then prelims. then As. YAY.

god dammit. i dun even feel like my birthday is coming. i dun even THINK abt it. becoming 18. shit. tt sounds really old. although it also means im the legal age for quite a number of things. heh.

then again. it kinda makes me an adult. it means i'll haf to start taking responsibility for my actions. not that i haven't before. but..it's the consequences now tt burdens me. this real world out there scares me. as much as i cant wait to grow up and be part of it. make my own world out there. find my world.

then again, aren't i already a grown up? don't ppl say "when i grow up" in kindergarten and in primary sch, or maybe in secondary school? do ppl continue saying "when i grow up i wanna be.." in JCs? are u even allowed to say tt?

hecks. but when i grow up, i want to be someone successful. someone who does not need to rely on anyone but myself. someone independent and strong. someone carefree and happy. (doesn't everyone wishes to be so. hahaha) but really. i aspire. i dream. the problem is: will i get there?

i read on the newspaper abt more and more students choosing SMU as an option for uni education. it worries me. i didn't see such overwhelming response yrs ago. years ago when i made myself a promise and a target to go to SMU. it's worrying isn't it? the cream of the crop of the students in singapore, vying to get into universities in singapore, in hope of an education tt will churn them out to be someone and something everyone isnt. how many of them do succeed in life?

to answer this Q, again i ponder. what then is successful? can we define success? i believe it varies from individual to individual. it's not constant for everyone. we dream to be different personas when we grow up(or when we already are grown up). we dream to possess certain things, materialistic stuff, power, status, position..we all dream. cos' tt wad drives us forward in life, right? tts wad pushes us up and up, to reach for what we dream to WANT in life.

right now, im DREAMING. but im not doing. tts my problem. it's a very huge problem. cos' if i dun start doing something, i'll end up being a NOTHING.

and i want to be someone, tt my parents can be proud of. someone they will be proud to announce tt i am their daughter. i want to be proud of myself. i really want to. it's this self-respect tt makes me persevere on in life. not wanting to be looked down. never.

i rememeber once back in rv days. i had some trs tt really thot i cld nv make it past my Os. just cos' i failed like shit for almost every test before the Os. it was sec 4 days back then. really bad academics. but i really fought hard. cos' i wanted to show those dumb ass trs tt i was not who they thought i was. and i managed to throw out some results. sure, they werent magnificent. but im proud of myself nonetheless. i fought. and i emerged--victorious, in my own way.

perhaps then, the conclusion to this ponderings, is tt as long as i tried my best, and have no regrets, then i've succeeded in life. the greatest enemy is myself.

it is me i must overcome.

Friday, June 03, 2005

saints hockey bbq.

what can i say man. i did enjoy myself. :) let's start from when we wenta get stuff for the bbq. woke up at 12PM! can u like believe tt? i think im like an absolute pig. cant stand myself. heh. so anyway, i managed to squeeze in some time to do mp's bdae card and read a few lines of econs before actually bathing and leaving the house for the bbq. met monz earlier cos she was bored and wanted to meet. told her meet at clementi's mac to study abit. like real la. we all know monz can nv let us study in peace. HAHAHAHA! so anyway, my bus was hijakced i think. took super long to come to my house's busstop and so i was late. monz went into mac to "book" seats for us first. and she met jill and hanis. hahahah. so when i went there i saw them la.

and the first thing hanis and jill said was: ehhh monz very noisy leh, can shut her up not. since she come we nv study at all. LOL. tts like super expected la. and its like less than 5 mins i think. :D *shakes head*

hmmm. so anyways i din manage to study at all la. simply read two lines abt tariffs and stuff. lol. damn jialat. ok, so we wenta the station control to meet the rest. saw johan, merjahn and deepan there. hf was late la. aiyoyo. hahaha.

"ehhh, usually i very punctual one ok.
today i never walked so fast to a bus stop before in my life lehhh."


take note. it's WALK. HAHAHAH! mans, and i thot ppl usually run when they are late? :P but it's ok la hf. i understand. i walk also la. :D

so in the end only me, monz, hf, jill, hanis, johan, merjahn, deepan, yuanshen, ming yuan, keane went to get the food. hmmm. damn funny la the process. cant stand them. hahaha. but i sure had fun.

oh ya. then me and monz were like super hnugry so we stopped at the counter selling food like chicken wings and stuff. u can like pay for the food there and eat it. so we were discussing wad to buy and eat there and then and not be very full(so we can eat the bbq food later), and full(so tt we wun get gastric now)..hahah. discuss discuss. and keane(with his trolley), came up and said: ehhhh, u all eating food ah??

and he proceeded to "chup" in and persuade us to include him in our food quest. hahaha. byt hen almost everyone was ahead already and we were saying tt we must quickly buy and hide one corner to eat so they wun see us. actually dun wan add him in one la, cos' he extra ma. hahha. then he said wan clique with us and share food. LOL. so we got like 3 chicken wings for $2. wahh, it's like damn nice la. hahah. the rest came back and saw us eating, so we were like flaunting the wings infront of them. haiyo. yumyum. and so the clique of me, monz and keane started. lol.
(ps: keane is like a FREE RIDER LA. wah lau. hahaha. eat already nv pay.)

then at the cashier, we saw hichew on the shelves nearby. and we wanted to eat la. then we din wan to pay ma, so we were saying we sneak in a few packets amongst all the food then hf won't know anything also. hahaha. so monz took one. sneaked it past. den she took another cos' we thot one not enuff. hahaha. then johan saw and he took the 3rd. LOL. but aiya, hf found out la. hahaha. but she still paid for it though. :D damn funny la. cant stand us. btw, i realised keane is damn lousy at opening stuff. the word OPEN so big he also cannot see. hahaha.

and ys found his long lost uncle. there was this uncle selling durians there. and he was shouting some $1, $1, $1 stuff. HE SOUNDED DAMN LIKE YUAN SHEN. wahahha. so much so tt we all thot it was actually ys shouting. hahahah!

ok, so we got the food and me, ys, monz and mingyuan took cab to boss's house. the rest also took cab from turf city la. reached already. we decided to slack abit and let the rest do other stuff. hahaha. ate boss's mum's noodles. quite nice. and monz started crapping abt chilli being tomato sauce and tomato being chilli sauce. hahaha. lame shit.

the guys started the fire and also prepared to stuff la. then after eating to our stomach's content, we decided to go help out in the preparation. did the hot dogs. and i think ys and jill saying something disgusting abt the hot dogs. *shakes head* hahaha. anyway, the fire was really damn hot. i stand there less than 5mins and i was sweating like i was in a sauna. and my hot dogs looked damn cancerous. HAHAH. monz had to take over me, claiming she's the king of hot dogs. (sounds wrong rite)

so i turned my attention to cheese since ys was asking me how to do the cheese. the lousy cheese had btw melted itself and stuck onto the plastic it was wrapped in. made our job very difficult as we were supposed to put the cheese on the hot dogs.so anyway, we managed to devise a plan of scraping all the cheese onto a plate and wrap aluminium foil ard the base of the plate den place it on the grill to melt it before dipping our hot dogs in. it worked! hahaha. damn nice la. but aftertt dunno wad happened i drifted from the pit and did other stuff.

and jill n monz added me into their union aka alliance to plot some stuff. lol. sHhh.

oh ya, wrote in the scrapebk for mp's bdae from the hockey girls. hahaha. me and monz were competing to see whose birthday cake was nicer(in drawing). very colourful la our page. so proud of our work. hee. oh ya, i gave mp a bolster with her name sewn on it. hope she likes it! :) and thanks girl for ur wonderful presents also. damn touched la. really like it alot!!! muacks.

thanks to hockey girls for the awfully nicely done scrapbk! :) really like it. and yes hf, i love the borders too! :P

and there was a part when me monz and keane--the clique were together. hahahah. we were eating 3 potatoes together. then put thousand island dressings on it. so i was happily eating my potato, and keane said this:

"ehhhh, no more qian1 dao3 already ah"

i was stunned for quite long, figuring out was was qian dao. AND THEN I GOT IT. THOUSAND ISLAND. super dots rite. wahhh lau. and he proceeded to dump tomato sauce on his potato. damn yucky. hahahah. then we saw a plate of stingray approaching. and the 3 of us grabbed it immediately. lol. i think we make perfect eating clique. started cos' of food, and getting along so well cos' of food. HAHAHAH!

anyway boss brought some red wine from his house i think. hahaha. and he and mr leonard ong started drinking. i managed to get a small cup from boss la. but dunno y halfway my already veh little alcohol became even more shrunken in volume. think must be weiyan.(she was sitting right infront of my cup when i returned)

hahaha. but nvm. today's bbq was gd cos none of us were drunk and i think the atmosphere was so much better. :)

(freak. there's a cockcraoch just outside at my balcony. damn gross. can fly one summore.)

took many pics. hehs. not of myself la don't worry. ate very little. dunno y. dun think i ate $5 worth of food at all. and there were NO marshmellows. sadded. nvm, at least ys was nice enough to give me a few cheese hotdogs. hahaha! and i still cant forgive tracy for taking tt misleading photo of my n him. gRrrr. i was falling off the ledge la, and i happened to grab hold of anyone nearest to me. happened to be ys la. and she snapped. gRrrr. dun let his gf see ok. jialat.

and oh ya. the birthday cakes were very nice. mp and i preferred the girls' one better though. lol. but we really appreciate everything everyone has done. :) hmmm. went home very late. took 165 with the westside gang plus deepan. hehs. they alighted earlier and changed bus. i took all the way to clementi where my dad picked me up la. his mood like not very gd. hmmm. nothing special. damn pms one.

i think i missed out alot of stuff. will update when i rmb. late already. parents kb-ing. think tml i better start studying.

btw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY EUGENE!!! hahaha..hope u'll enjoy urself darling! :) stay happy ok! one day we shall go make braces together. lol. love ya loads.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

coffee bean.

yum yum. today wenta coffee bean to study with abbas. heh. not bad la. i think i managed to study quite abit. er. still not alot la. nvm la. at least i tried. hehs. anyways, it was gd talking to him after so long. :) then ya, he too nice liao la, treat me to drinks and food. hahaha. yun ma says she wan to noe him. lol. but i shall not reveal the reason why. :D

ehhh, tml got hockey bbq. hahaha. so exciting. hope it will be very very fun!!! :P

i just realised tt my hair damn long. and my ma dun let me cut hair. she says cut after sch hols. dots. i think it'll look like a garden full of weeds soon. but i realised i can tie up my hair! hahahah. only abit wierd la. i think i'll haf to test it out..see whether issit veh ugly..=X hehs.

anyway i was chatting online with yun ma just now abt my study date and abt her camp and stuff. hahaha. and she said this:

yunny says:
haha.. yah.. i am really very hot now..


hahaha. now now, isnt yun ma some hot stuff eh? :P

-----------------------
ps: i dunno how to upload my pics onto this dumb ass blog. can someone teach me how?