weak.

dunno y i felt super weak after my one hour of swimming today. did nothing much today also. just did my usual laps and practiced freestroke plus my breaststroke swims. arghhhs.

but i went weak in the knees after i got up from the pool. felt like vomitting and totally dizzy. arghs. can still feel it now. at least its not so bad. i almost died bathing. din even wash the swimming pool smell from myself and i almost vomitted twice. rushed out of the bathroom and dried my hair before dying on my bed. seriously almost died. the feeling sucked.

at least i felt better after i woke up 1 hour later. baHhh. din study much today. at least i started. sigh. yar right. trying to comfort myself only. gRrr.

hate myself. hate hate hate it.

drive.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRIVE AND MOTIVATION TO STUDY!!!!!???

arghs. i feel like killing myself. wished i had the drive and motivation to strive hard and concentrate. getting so upset and pissed with this attitude of mine. everyone has settled down to do some serious studying and here i am slacking my life away.

jielin, if u dun wish to achieve anything in your life to make yourself proud of yourself, then u can continue wasting your life away like this. u can carry on disappointing yourself as well as the ppl ard u who care. u can let those ppl who think u are stupid and dumb carry on thinking like that. u can just tell others u are a loser. a loser in life.

"being someone ordinary is hard, being someone extraordinary is even harder."

now isnt this so true. if u want to reach for your dreams, hoping and praying just aint gonna do, there must be actions. as the saying goes: u reap what u sow. time to start reaping, jielin.

now get your big fat ass down onto a chair, stop fidgeting and squirming, stop falling aslp, stop moving abt finding for food, stop thinking abt other stuff. think abt the end point, the consequences of your childish and irresponsible behaviour now. think of what u are gonna achieve if u put ur heart to it. think of those. now, just keep climbing, reach for your dreams, jielin. you can do it. im sure u can.

yes, im gonna do it. bye.

thoughts.

hmmm. talks with yonghe bro really make me think alot. cant stop thinking now. i wonder why am i alwaes thinking abt the wrong stuff. here i shld be studying and revising but im wasting my time and life away online. this is bad. very bad. i think im going to isolate myself soon to start studying. sigh. im a loser. but i dun wanna be one.

i wanna excel and do well. let's all hope and pray. best fren says i'll make it in the end. let's hope so too. he says i'll do well for As. let's hope for tt too. but hoping is no use. there needs to be actions. like mp says: the real enemy is yourself. no pt comparing with others. she's so right. the worst enemy im facing is myself, myself and myself. just need tt drive and motivation to start.

but now, tts not wad im talkin to bro abt. in fact, im talking abt lotsa stuff. thought-provoking indeed. tsktsk. think too much no gd yar. but i was just doing my silent musings: life is not abt judging ppl by their looks is it? we all strive and aim to be better looking in our own ways. we all say natural and simplicity is beauty. but is it really true? guys dun like girls with makeup on, yet they dun like girls who are plain looking too. so what kind of girls do they really like? are females only out to please guys by making ourselves look better? of cos' im not discriminating pple who want to look gd. looking gd has its pros and cons. we do feel more confident abt ourselves when we feel gd abt ourselves.

but are we really superficial beings or what? once i was talking to a guy friend online. i asked him whether wld he be attracted to a gd looking girl or a girl with gd character. his answer was the first option. then he told me: first impressions alwaes matter afterall. i wld get to know a girl i find pretty and pleasing to the sight.

which brings me to my next pt. does it mean that ok looking girls will nv get the gd looking guys? hahaha. i dun think so. i walk down the streets in this country and i observe tt this is not so. there are gd looking guys with average looking girls. gd looking girls with average looking guys. and i read newspaper reports abt guys not minding if their other parts are obese, and vice versa. and this gives me faith in guys once again. yet i will meet male beings that are superficial and makes me lose faith in males once again. am i just going on in a tireless search for the answer to my Q: is life all abt judging ppl by their looks?

i cant bring myself to deny tt im a "superficial" being by nature. a gd looking person with charisma will indefinitely cause me to notice him or her. but first impressions do not last for me. i will get to know the person sincerely as a person, not by how he/she looks. to me, the inner beauty is worth much more than the outside. an apple can be shiny and flawless on the outside, but it can be rotton with worms inside. why do we always think tt we are not worthy of someone when we fall in love? why do we alwaes think tt we will nv measure up to our desirable halves and choose to live in inferiority? why do we sometimes think: he/she is too gd looking to notice me in the first place. i am way outta his/her league. personally, i feel that a relationship is much more than a competition of who looks better. it's more than just wanting a gd looker for your partner, isnt it? i would want my other half to be kind, sweet and sensitive type of guy--not neccessarily dashing.

i have no idea. of course, there are some who do not think so. i wish i do no think so too. but i have no reason to think abt such stuff cos' i choose singlehood and independence now. yet as i see friends ard me in this struggle within oneself, i am made to ponder: what exactly is important in this life? how do we even measure beauty?

is inner beauty or the outer one more important? i recall vividly my pw grp's project on beauty. it was a really insightful project tt i embarked on. yet, somehow i cldnt stop myself from thinking how stereotyped the answers we collected in the surveys were.

which do u think is more impt? inner or outer beauty?

most answered inner.

isnt it like human instinct, for us to answer what seems to be morally correct?

to me, i truly believe in inner beauty. because it's what differentiates individuals to individuals. we are all unique and special as one person. there is no double of u and me. inner beauty never rots, falter or wilter with time. it is everlasting. tts wad i want to see in people. tts what im learning to see in people. today, in this increasingly competitive and cold world, emotions are looked down on, compassion seen as a weakness. rebellious as i am by nature, i do believe in the good of people.

i must accept ppl for who and what they are. cos' im a picture of imperfections too.

flipped.

my parents were flipping while i slpt. ok to make things simple, i slpt from 6plus last evening to ard 12am woke up. then after onlining till ard 2plus 3am, i K.O-ed back to bed. then awoke at 9plus where i heard my parents screaming their heads off and i had NO IDEA what they were screaming abt cos i was drifting in and out of slp.

sigh. i think i figured out something like slacking too much. slp slp slp. com com com. then in the end is we suffer. then wad the world out there so tough, yet we not working and studying hard, next time how to survive. something liddat. got so gek dao i forced myself to slp. apparently, we were supposed to go as a family to a funfair but both sis n i overshot our slping time as usual. so the screaming started. then i simply drifted in and out. parents left. sis woke up. took wierdly long time to bathe. cldnt stand it i woke up and slacked ard the couch reading the news n stuff. cooked maggi mee for my last nite's missed dinner and also breakfast since i figured the two mad parents wldnt bother abt m life or death.

recently i feel like i've been dreaming alot. i hardly know how to differentiate btw wads real and wads surreal. it feels all so..dispatched. so disconnected from the real world. what i dreamt, i'll think that it's real. so wierd eh.

ok. so sian. guess im outta here. think too much liao. dun tink i'll be going to the hockey sentosa outing. hahaha. alot ppl not going also. hmmm. realised i have alot notes haben copy. die. die. die. hope i can study productively this hols. need to. have too. must.

i just hate the rain.

pimples.

i have no idea why i have so MUCH pimples now.

=(

totally ruins my complexion. sadddd.

wan to cut hair soon. wonder cut wad. dunwan turn out like a disaster again. hahaha!

really im like on a self degradation downwards spiral.

xun yi cao; deng dai ai qing.

perhaps my romantic notions and thoughts shld just all be banished from my mind. hah. see my horoscope? Better fasten that seat belt, because you're due for quite the ride. The stars are bringing along someone powerful, exciting and oh so romantic. Ready or not, here comes infatuation. lol, lame la. we'll see how things go.

really starting to turn to someone now..perhaps its the whirlpool of events tt has made me want to rely on someone. seeking faith and strength. hopefully, i'll pull through all this shit and emerge victorious. have courage.

birthdays coming. eugene. meiping. me. bishi. mama. papa. wah. nomoneyle. =X















don't assume anything abt me if you don't know me at all. don't think u know me when i hardly even know you. look at yourself first before commenting abt others. f*ck off.

there. now i feel soooo much better.

class cip.

heh. im really gald it went well. wanna thank ALL tt has been involved in this class cip..all of 04S91. unless of cos' certain ppl tt cldnt be bothered to help out in stuff la. but still, im glad whoever the person/s is, they made it up by really doing a gd job on the cip itself. so yea..THREE CHEERS FOR S91!!! :)

had fun. the kids were super hyper and funny and cuteee. hahah. pity i cldnt take pics with them. haix. it's somehow to protect their identitdy. some of their parents also didnt like the idea we are in the programme itself, much less take pics with their kids right? hmmm..well, hopefully the memories will remain etched in my mind for till it can last. hahah. really meaningful. alot things to say, but i really just dunno how to put them down in words. i realised im not a very literal person afterall. losing my edge in writing. hehs. just..i feel that instead of trying to impact these children's lives, they have in turn, affected mine adversely. really. im just really touched. they connection and bond and trust they have in me is really eye-opening. it seems so easy to them, their life, their world, their friends. it's just something i can't bring myself to face up to even though im a grown teenager. the kids were so different in their own ways. so..special. i can tell the difference between each one of them is cos' of these unique-ness in them. :) simply love them to bits. *sigh*

ok. so back to fri sch day. was really slack. but dunno y stomachache so wenta da bian. and happens during the gp period, whereby the debate was supposed to take place. aiya, quite a few hitches la. but in the end still went quite smoothly for me. though super embarrassing cos' i read my wrong script halfway then realised. think i quite nervous. but i just have a way of looking confident when im like all jittery inside sometimes. hahah..eg, the first ocip talk given to the j2s. well well, me and seo were actually in tie for the best speaker award for tt motion, and also had the same highest marks la. hahah..but mr tan says might hafta moderate cos must see whole class on the general. funniest thing is tt me n seo same grp. hahah! and oh ya, i spent like one night writing my script and reading thru' it abt 3 times(which din matter cos i picked up my wrong speech paper on the table and made a fool outta myself). but it's cool. cos' mr tan says i have the style and confidence. whaahha!

many memorable events during the class cip. really. :) just too long to write all of them out. hopefully i wun forget them. oh ya berd, sorry for occupying ur slping area! really din mean it. :X hope u're having a great slp now..haaha..next time i do tt just kick me awake la.

"why do you think he shld listen to the devil?"
"cos' i like black things"

"don't you want to write anything to your daddy or mummy?"
"i dunno who to write to..i have alot families.."

"go on..write something u want to say to your daddy or mummy.."
"daddy is overseas working.."

"wahhh..the music really nice lehh.."
"eh, there's a lizard by the light!"
-anti climax-

"jelly jie jie..play catcher with me!!"
"it's catching laaa.."
"okok, catcher coming liao!!!"
-makes scary face to try to scare them-
-squeals and shrieks fill the air-
-laughter;music to the ears-

"thank you..you all have touched my heart.."

"smile best fren.."

"the team will always be behind you!"

"miss ya!!"

once again, a mighty thanks to 04s91. i think u guys did a wonderful smashing job fri and sat! :) so proud of us..

bAhhH.

tml have gp debate. hope everything goes alright mans. dunwan make a fool out of myself. cant believe i got left with 3rd(and last) speaker cos' i asked them to choose first,then i anything one. i think this is called zi zhao ku chi. :X hahahah. ok la. hope at least we'll all do quite well. hope i won't stone, blank out, stutter or anything. :X

eh today took class pic. hahaha..quite funny. :) cant wait to see how it will turn out. though i think i will look damn ugly la. but i think its really nice la. 04S91!

anyways, tml is the class cip. overnight until sat noon. hahaha. think it will be quite fun and exciting. hahaha. but i feel damn stressed sometimes. today really almost broke down over some stuff. had to constantly remind myself to chill it. guess it all boils down to the fact tt i have alot of faith n confidence in the class. i know at the last min they will pull thru' and make everything work out. :) yea. let's jiayou together!

hmmm, din get to go watch the finals hockey match today with the rest. had to get stuff for the class cip. yea. wenta concourse. sighs. i walk until veh sian. see the same things until veh sian. then became quite sian. but lucky got the main things liao. phew.

blEh. now the only thing ruining tml is the debate. hahaha. u noe sometimes i think i think too much. but sometimes i think i dun think unless i see things tt make me think. ami confusing you?

btw, thanks tracy for the niceeee ben and jerry's "tissue paper"..hahaha! really awfully sweet of u. :) MUACKS.

a moment like this.

oh yea man. such a moment. perfectly fantabulous!! hahahah. oh my god. SAJC SAINTS HOCKEY GUYS WON 3RD PLACE!!! :D ok..pardon me BUT i'm really really REALLY happy!!! the day started out dreary and wet. there was a thunderstorm and lightning everywhere. i was praying for gd weather..and sat my pa's car to ccab. there was a huge jam. papa said a tree fell down. mans. i was rather late. BUT not the latest. hahahah. the guys were warming up already when i arrived. we din pass them their notes because they were so busy..but we eventually gave it to them after tt. :) sharon goh and jason was damn funny. lol. well well, shall not say more. but gotta admire jason for his guts. asking for goh's number infront of so manyyyyy people. lol. :)

anyway. the match was awesome. sure, there were lapses here and there. shaky from the start. but the guys managed to persevere and hold back the pressure from acjc. we scored the first goal. hanis did a nice sweep from the far side of the D to the goal. i went mad. then acjc scored their first. then their 2nd. the situation looked rather bad till the last whistle blew. but the guys had a short corner secured. the LAST short corner. tt would determine our fate. (the guys' one anyway)

hahah. I TELL U HAR, THE THUD AT THE BACK OF THE GOAL POST NEVER FELT SO GOOOOOOD BEFORE. i daresay almost all the girls were screaming n tearing and hugging and clapping. and from the side of my eye, i cld see tt the guys were overjoyed too. hahah. the sight is really a memorable one. i think everyone had not expected tt short corner to go in. cos' best fren's sweeps were mostly stopped by a very irritating acjc guy. i was praying so hard to God. telling him to let the guys win this. let them score a crucial goal. please. i never prayed so hard before for a very long time already. i guess God heard my prayers. i went bersek. i seriously went mad for a full one minute and counting. after tt i realised many of them were also praying very very hard for the guys too. hahaha..i was so glad our prayers were answered. suddenly i've started to revive my believe in Him. hehs.

since it was a draw. both sides went into an extra time whereby BOTH did NOT score again. and so the penalty flicks began. 5 flicks each per team. i was super nervous. the girls went to the 75yard line to cheer for the guys. acjc took the first flick. i prayed damn hard for louis to save it. HE DID! then was our turn. i prayed damn hard for ALL the flicks (by deepan, santhosh and hanis) to go in. ALL WENT IN. oh my god. acjc took 4 flicks in total. ONLY ONE WENT IN!!! louis really did MANY MANY magnificent saves. my heart also dropped out man. hahaha..my prayers were answered again!!! we went bersek again. hahha..the scary thing was it was alternate. so after they missed their 3rd one and we got in our 3rd one, everyone was already cheering n screaming. the guys piled on top of one another. lol. i nv seen them so happy before. feel so happy for them. :)

overjoyed. after tt was a flurry of activity. cheers. claps. waiting for guys to meet their fan clubs. take pics. talk. laugh. grin. change. and so we decided to head for food haven to eat. hahah. last time together? i hope not..hmmm..talked and ate. then we wanted go hf house to study/play. then we wenta the guys table to discuss before leaving. they wanted to go ming yuan's house. and so we did! hahaha. very fun la there. some played mahjong and carom. then the rest watched dvd. i opted for the latter. watched constantine and 50 first dates. very very nice. im a satisfied dvd watcher. lol.

we headed home after tt. but not after the rest all got up their bus except me cos' i thot i cld take tt side to go clementi. apprently i was at the wrong busstop. so louis, yuan shen and ming yuan kindly accompanied me to the correct bus stop and they even bought some mashed potato from 7-11. lol. my bus came shortly after tt. coincidence, coincidence. met my sis on tt same bus when it passed by MI. lol. she saw me, i saw her. so not tt bad. :P

hmmm. well now im home. still happy from the day's events. apprently i had unnoticingly skipped an entire day of sch. guilty. but hecks. its something to be overjoyed abt and celebrate. seems like the victory was ours. lol. hope won't get caught or whatsoever. :)

so yar. i took a pic with louis! hahaha.

bloats.

even my ma comments that i have fats in the tummy area. *winces* now this shows that i REALLY need to slim down. sigh.

thank god for my regular bowel movements, im feeling less bloated. im a happy girl when im not feeling bloated. :)

yesterday nite was listening to tong hua on my lappy. watched the MV too. wahh. touching. :( almost made me feeling like crying..haha. but serious, does fairytales exist? heck. even if it doesn, it surely does not happen to me. think i outgrew the daydreaming phase. hahaha. the cruel realities of growing up. :X

LCT was extremely nice today. announced all the achievements of the school this yr. and YAY. let us have a half day of school. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! :) i couldnt help myself but whoop in joy. lol. must have looked spastic if not for the hundreds of people ard me who were whooping along. :D today is a loooooong day la! ends at 515pm leh! thank god for the announcement. tuesdays never seemed so short before. *grins*

BUT, i had to do my gp debate today. sobs. so instead of leaving straight after 1245pm to go "galvanting" somewhere,(by coutesy of miss tan) me, seo and jee had to stay back like 3 poor souls in the sch cafe to start on our gp debate. at least it was pretty productive. hahaha. let's just hope everything goes well. and im like the 3rd and last speaker. stressed. gd lucks to us on friday.

which reminds me. class cip s approaching fast! :) i simply cant wait. but that's all living in the hopes tt everything turns out smoothly. by jee's request, we shld dry-run the workshops etc on thurs. hmmm. gd point. shall send a relay later. and i was very pleased with the class peeps. thanks for passing me the money so efficiently and all. never expected such good response. :) things are definitely looking up. GO 04S91!!! i love u guys loads. we're gonna make this a success ok!

im really working very hard to be more sensitive towards ppl's feelings and all. i think if i try hard enough it shld be able to produce positive results yar? but still not exactly chummy buddy with her yet. well, things take time. *shrugs* i still hope that things will revert back to the old times. sigh.

got back the darn econs test today. freakingly passed by one and a half mark. not that i was surprised. i had expected worse. afterall i didnt even complete BOTH my parts and i had no idea wad i was writing tt day. was close to falling aslp. but i was realy surprised that miss tan actually gave me decent marks for part two of the Q. hmmm. i wonder why. doesnt seem to meet any criteria of the mark scheme she showed us. then again, i shall stop harping abt it..im thankful, just gotta work harder next time. :) GO GUYS, WE CAN ALL DO IT TOGETHER!

miss tan was telling us ALOT of stuff abt As and stuff. got me all worried. i think half the wrinkles on my face are caused by exams and tests. man. i feel older already. gotta start studying really hard. dunwan end up disappointing my parents and teachers. and myself. i have really high expectations of myself. sigh. just dunnon whether i can meet them or not. just gotta keep trying, one step at a time.

oh ya. tml is guys hockey semi finals for 3rd and 4th placing. im super nervous for them. :) made a little somethings for them. hahah. hope they'll do their very best tml. last match already. ALL THE WAY BROTHERS!!! tml get to go to ccab at 730am to support them. dun even hafta go sch before that. thou' hafta return to sch after that. but nvm la. at least get to support them. soooo happy! :) we are simply awesome.

"i sleep on my back. ninety per cent of all the wrinkles you get on your face are from the pillow." -Fran Drescher

now i know why i have so much wrinkles.

long weekends.

and so the long weekend is over. i love long weekends. i love waking up on a monday morning knowing that i don't have to fall out of bed at 530am to prepare for school. hahaha. what a pity. its over. tml, school resumes. the horrible drone of schoolwork, tests, lectures, tutorials. i need to catch up. i need to study. and i seriously hope i will. can't fall back anymore. no way. im already way far behind.

wake up jielin. you know u arent exactly smart. u know u cant grasp concepts fast. so start now, before u regret.

so much worries. so little solutions.

bored stiff.

not that im totally stiff now. but im really bored and unmotivated to study or do my hwk. tts bad rite? at least i did some constructive stuff like adding info to the geog report we are supposed to hand in on wed, the class cip proposal..think im gonna print out the proposal for everyone involved. yups. like tt they wun feel lost abt things happening ard them. haaha. was talking to the captain turkey online. last nite talked till super late la. abt quite alot of stuff. it was really nice to talk to someone like her..very long dun haf those kinda talks..relaxing and yet very heart to heart. hehs. thanks girl! :) and yes, i do think u are a super captain(besides the fact tt u cant fly YET :P) and very HOT ok! hahaha..mans, i still cant forget tt yaya statement u said online. then again i agreed not to expose ur unglam-ness, and so i shall not! :D

hmmm. well well. i owe mr tan 2 gp essays. do u think he'll let me off? i at least gotta hand in one of them by tues. and the other by the end of the week! arghhhs. but im sooo lazy to write anything intelligent. wait. do i ever write intelligently? hahahah!

i miss my team man. where's regx. where's jess? where's da bian? WHERE IS OUR FREAKING OUTING! hahahah!!! man, i think we are like the saddest team la!! no team pic at all??!!! i miss u guys like crazeeee! regx, u better organise one soon ok!! if not i'll really strangle u when we finally meet up! hahaha. :D much much love and misses. nydc ok!!!

i miss hockey. i miss everyone man. i cant believe it. is there such a thing like post hockey syndrome? im like suffering from tt. and i think im not alone. can't believe in such a short period of time, this grp of strangers haf evolved to become a grp of really close frens. one bigggg family. :) saints hockey really changed my life. i think i might even join the club to continue training hockey for recreational purposes. hahaha. though im very sucky at hockey and i think i shld seek pysio-therapy now, but what the heck. im suffering from the withdrawal symptoms.

lastly. i NEED A NEW PHONE. yes. i cant stand it tt i type until half way my phone will actually HANG and RESTART on me. i cant believe it when i press once CANCEL and the entire screen of msg tt i typed painstakingly DISAPPEARS for gd. in fact, i lived in shock for several minutes when it happened to me for the first time. mans. sure i love this phone. its like UNIQUE la. confirm no one haf. lol. but hey, its functions are super slow it'll just kill me. much less talk ab the lack of functions. :X i guess i can live with it for a while more. ok. let's stop this whinning. hmmm.

i need to start studying. i need to. really. someone slap me on the head pls. i needa wake up.

im becoming FAIR and FAT and FLABBY. damn.

collide.

heard this song on radio a few minutes ago. i thought it was very inspiring and motivating..

even the best fall sometimes, even the stars will refuse to shine.

yups..hope the guys will feel better soon. all's not lost. we are simply awesome.

hmmm.was watching tv and slacking for like almost the whole day, then saw this news bulletin abt floorball. dunno y reminded me abt hockey. hahahah. mans, i really think im suffering from post-hockey syndrome. quite serious. yest. after the guys game and stoning there to wait for them, a few of us were super tempted to grab some sticks to go play abit of hockey. hehs. but cannot la. it's quite bad. at least we still do meet up yar? if not the withdrawal symptons will really be awful. thinking whether i shld go to rapture not..firstly, i wld rather cot cos financially im strapped. need to save up money to get alot of things. going to rapture will cut me short by $12. hmmm. but then again, going with hockey peeps will definitely be a fun outing. hahah..*shrugs* i'll see how then. hmmm.

cass cip is overwhelming. super much to do. but thankfully i've got jee cheng, winnie, seo hoon, jas to help me out with alot of stuff. thank god. if not i'll probably die from all the proposals im supposed to do with the class but nv got much response from. i was very discouraged by a couple of them. their negative comments and unwillingness to help and co-operate at some pt in time is very discouraging and disappointing. but then again, why be upset over some of these ppl, im sure they'll come to at some pt la. i just cant stand the thot of ppl doing cip just for the sake of doing. eg, getting cip hrs or being forced to. *shrugs* there's a meaning to everything.

long weekend. feel like slacking. but cannot. arghhhs.

i can see myself becoming fairer and very flabby. grrrr.

louis.

i think im really starting to idolise him. hahah! no la seriously, louis is a great goalie, one of the best i've ever seen. not only cos' he is skilful and all, but cos' he's such a nice guy!!! he's super sweet and nice, and very modest also! heh..today's guys game sa vs vj. nothing much i wanna say. only tt i screamed myself hoarse. teared. heart pain. miserable and upset yet helpless. sigh. 2-1. actually i think the guys did a great job. it must have been hard withstanding all the pressure, but the spectators, coach and also boss. not forgetting pressures within some of them by themselves. it is inevitable. but they played an excellent game, persevering till the end. the last whistle. many of them broke down. lookin at them, i cldnt help but tear. the pain was horrible. though it wasnt as if we were playing, but like mp said, "though we not playing also can feel the pain" and furthermore they were the ones in the game. haix.

sharon(goh) agreed la. think a few of us really almost wanted to cry out. its really heart wrenching to see guys cry. our brothers. who joke and laugh and smile and jack at EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. ppl whom we thot we wld nv see crying, all did so. we were miserable for them too. it's..i dunno how to say.

but still, im sure the guys will find back their footing. lift up their heads and fight back with pride. cos' we are the saints hockey and we never give up without a fight ya! fight on, endure!! we can do it. we are all champions at heart no matter the outcome. and we comforted cos' we are all behind u guys..=) hehs. though im not very close to all of them, but at least from not knowing a single of them, i know ALL their names now..hahaha..quite an accomplishment? :)

super broke. entire day i ate a plate of $1 worth of potato wedges. one fish burger and tts basically it. really can start dieting already. no money=no food. wan to cry liao. hahaha. gotta start eating less. then got more money. ok im tired. gotta go slp. gotta start studying someday. sheesh.

someday.

ok.

ok. ignore all the previous few entries.
im gonna be a better person! i really will! im gonna try my best at least. :)
if something's gotta be done, it's me.
im sincere abt it and i will prove it to u guys..
hope everyone will give me the chance too..
thanks berd, jieru, jee cheng, yong he, meiping etc etc all who have made me happier by their kind words.

words.

words are very powerful. i guess i learnt tt severely only yesterday. and i had to learn tt true a very gd fren. once a very gd fren anyway. i know u'll read this entry somehow, like u said, it's on the world wide web, everyone can read it. i've kept quiet abt everything. i did not tell anyone anything. but i guess i expected tt u would explode infront of ur frens. what hurts me most is tt u quote words from me tt i absolutely did not speak of. if tt is wad u told those ard u, then i think whatever i said cannot save the situation now, and only ur clarification with them will. but i doubt u'll care.

it's still ur choice if u wan to accept my proposal to be friends again. im not avoiding u. on the contary, i think u are avoiding me now. if so, then so be it. i just hope one day u'll come to me again. im extending this invitation to u till god knows when. i really dunwan to lose this friendship just like that. i admit that i've been in the wrong. all the issues we've talked abt last night. but i believe too, that im not the only one in the wrong. like u said, it takes two hands to clap, i'll nv achieve anything in this friendship without ur help and acceptance. im sorry tt i turn u off. im sorry that im imperfect. im just sorry that im such a lousy human being and caused so much hurt to so many ppl ard me. what worries me most is that i won't know it unless im told of it. im thankful for ppl who remind me constantly. i guess i can be quite blunt in my expression. im one who speaks what i think. it's gd and bad at times, depending on the situations. i guess i gotta learn that i've got different grps of frens with diff. tolerance levels. i can't apply the "constant me" to all my friends i come in contact with. im sorry for being imperfect and caused u hurt. im gonna learn to be more sensitive when it comes to issues like that. im trying really hard. really. im sorry if i appear fake to u or tt im trying to get sympathy. cos' im definitely not. i hate sympathy votes. i prefer empathy. u know what tt means don't u?

im not tryin to gain anything from this entry. just reflecting i guess. today's gone past quite fine. minimal contact. in fact, i think there was nil contact. hah. and if im lucky, the friends ard u won't start hating me or whatsoever. i'll be thankful for alot of things now. take care.

screwed up my phy spa. did the whole question wrongly cos i assumed that springs can be used. since if i kept my spring constant unchanged, i assumed that it would not affect my oscillations too. anyway, i had to change my entire script last min. yays. cant be bothered already. very very bad spa. at least i tried my best.

quoting meiping again, just do your best, give it ur best shot, whatever the results doesnt matter, cos at least, u have no regrets now. :) thanks girl..i think u really rock my world. don't june babies rock? *muacks* :D

yes. i'll be fine. i would be in time to come. just..prefer not to think of what others are assuming of me right now. too much misunderstandings. too much hurt. i wonder when will things be alright again.

disgusted.

the guys won jj 2-0. gd game..onto the semis already..so proud of them. hahaha..had a great time today supporting them. though i skipped my geog lect n all. but still, i felt so much at ease with hockey ppl. hmmm..tml got phy spa, hope i dun screw it up like fall aslp halfway or get mental block or wadeva. wanna ace this one. ok gotta go. one last quote from a syaf.

"life isnt about wanting retribution, we shld accept ppl for who they are."

question: but what if they just keep hurting us again and again?

my love; saints hockey.

hahaha..suddenly feel a sense of loss looming over my big head now..nothing to do, no aim, no goal, no trainings, no more gatherings after sch for meetings, no matches..no more. we haved "stepped down". kinda sad eh? haix..today was the last match of the season. vs mi. yea we lost. but im really amazed by mi's keeper. made me speechless la. no matter how many short corners, she managed to clear ALL the balls. damn. talk abt national player standard. u noe, frankly speaking, the mi team is quite average..maybe we are stronger as a whole team compared to them, but what truly saved them in the entire competition has to be tt amazing keeper of theirs. im stunned, awed, left gaping in wonder. hahaha. serious. damn steady. woO~ but girls, im so proud of u guys la..played a last game well..hmM~ i think the goalie really gave u guys a hard time, but dun worry, im sure none of us blamed those on the pitch at all..=) *sighs* i think it's really been such a long journal and all, the tears, the sweat, the pain, the aches, the tiredness, the sleepiness, the yawning, the slacking at the table before pt, the piaing during pt, the burp-ups, the 30 rounds, the "LIGHT" maintenance run, the trainings at nyp, delta, ccab, everything!!! i'll really miss those times, really alot alot. i dunno how to feel exactly, but its like a huge rojak of emotions, there is this turmoil in me, so happy to have gone thru all these, yet sad tt it seems to be coming to an end..sure we'll still meet up to train for fun, talk or gather at the hockey table, but it's a whole new different thing. *sighs* i'll love the 19 of u guys to beets forever and ever till i become old and senile and all. :) my love; saints hockey.

we went for team lunch after the match today. yays! hahahah. FIRST TEAM LUNCH WITH FULL ATTENDANCE! how cool is that la..hahaha..rmb at the start of the day once i reached hockey table i was actually quite upset over somethings tt happened earlier in that day. but hf paula monz tracy and mp managed to cheer me up quite a bit. i was really comforted by them, and managed to forget the unhappy stuff for a moment. then came the photo taking frenzy. hahaha! really funny. quite a few of us brought cams and everything, so we took alot alot of pics. :P gonna haf a long time uploading them mans. heheh. got quite alot unglam shots of many pple..mans..i wonder when will we get to take such funny pics together again, there better be a hockey chalet..i will go!!!! hahaha..:) i miss u guys already, can u believe it? all 19 of u have become a part of my life these months. the events we went thru together, the pain, laughter, joy, reprimandings, trainings, sweat, muscles aches and ups and downs have brought us only closer. i love each n everyone of u!!! really!!! *MUACKS*

sighs. i guess i better not talk abt the thing tt made me super upset today. but seriously, why all the argument abt a piece of cloth? we come from different ccas n naturally will have different views and all, cant be helped. and i guess cos both of us are strong-headed ppl. yet i cant say anything la. im more willing to give way when it comes to stuff liddat, why make urself so pissed over this issue? i really dun get it. u are pissed, i am upset. no one gains. all for this shirt. this shirt which means so much to so many ppl, yet their meanings varies from individual to individual. whether the controversy over everyone shld get this shirt or not i have no say. but i've told u clearly how i feel, and vice versa. i guess whether it'll be allowed for all ccas dun depend on us. i just hope tt everything will be ok. sighs. sensitive issue la. but sometimes, im jsut so disgusted la. nothing to say le.

took many pics. shall go upload them now. see ya. hope tml will be a better day. wanna smile again. super pms bad mood.

ocip dudes.

ok, since im like super full now from my late night supper of BK(at raffles city) and popiah(at home), i think i cant fall aslp so early, so might as well type a quick entry. hmmm, dunno why i was so affected by somethings winne said yesterday to me online. guess cos' i really drifted away from my class peeps. it's a huge pity, but i guess i cant relate as much to them in some aspects..they are just so different from me..huge personality differences..i am different from who i am with the hockey friends..=) hehs..it's wierd. i feel even more at ease with my ocip friends than with the class, cos' i just feel that there are just some class politics that are just present, but unsaid. it's like speak no evil, hear no evil. perhaps life is just so that we cant please the entire world, and there are bound to be ppl whom we dislike, and pple who dislike us. sometimes, its so coincidental that the feeling is mutual!

i rmb from ocip trip, i did not like jieru at all, i thot tt we were super different and i cldnt click with her..but after the trip, everything changed. got to know her better..and realised that we weren't so different afterall, and tt we actually make very gd sisters and friends..this friendship i really treasure..a friendship tt din come easy, but a friendship i gave a chance to grow and bloom into a sweet and strong flower it is now..love ya jieru! be happy ok babe! :)

today woke up quite early at ard 9plus in the morning...hey! it's really early la.i dun wake up until 11 plus on sundays one..but i wanted to do me econs hwk..managed to complete my essay outline and the drq..then wenta bathe and prepare for the ocip outing! hahaha..quite fun la..left house at 5plus, den reached at 6pm at city hall mrt..was the first la..waited for quite long, then jieru came..then before tt yulin told me tt she'll be late and yonghe told me a few days ago tt he'll be late too..so ya..was waiting for the rest la..then wei cheng and dinghao came! hahaha..then waited for a while see who else coming..then wc told us tt joel will be late..and called thomas..he was still slping!!! he din noe it was today la!!! hahahah..den after wc called him and told him, thomas just hung up the phone. lol. think he just pia all the way here lo..hahahha...

then the four of us wenta eat first..wenta long john's for early dinner..hahahah! had a great jacking session with dinghao..jack until i choked on my drink and had a coughin fit. lol. damn unglam. and wc said i cough like the engine of car cant start liddat..=X hmmm..talked n talked la..then veh fast 715 liao..the concert start at 730 la..then we wenta check where everyone was. yonghe was on the train, thomas also and joel on the way and yulin walkin from fullerton. hahaha..so we wenta esplanade to meet them. joel n yulin cmae together. wahhh yl damn chio la..cant stand it..even a girl like me can think tt she's really pretty, cant imagine the other guys..hahah! then during the concert the guys were still discussing abt our dressing la..wah lau, cos yl wore till very formal ma..den me n jr veh casual..then thomas remarked tt maybe it's cos we two under-dressed so yl looks gd. hahaha! so idiotic rite..but ok la, thomas redeemed himself by saying i look quite gd also! :P anyways, yong he came soon after. then was thomas. hahahah! we waited like damn long and asked him to like RUN all the way from city hall mrt. it was a long dist la..mans..but he made it in time. one min before the doors closed. phew. hahah..the concert was not bad..though all of us(except yh n dingo) din noe how to appreciate, but managed to stay interested la..=P yup..alot jackings took place also..hahah..

then concert ended after the intermission and all, even had an encore la..hahah! then we head for food!! cos' i was quite hungry la..dunno why..a couple of them also veh hungry..hmmm..yup, i think i damn fat liao lo..ate so much today!!! gRrrr...must diet from tml onwards liao..jian fei ji hua!!! hahaha..talked over the meal la..quite late liao..by the time we ate finish and talked alot the BK wanted to chase us out liao..hahah..so decided to go home la..all of them took bus and me n wc took train..hmmm..very funny, cos even things like deciding which mode of transport to take, we had to discuss for damn long before deciding..=p

really enjoyed myself with them la..hahaha..nice peeps. fun peeps. hahaha, nice to jack with and all..realised that i enjoy their company alot..so far all the ocip outings i made an attempt to go..hahaha..and all occasions i enjoyed myself thouroughly..=) hmmm~ but it's quite sad tt its only alwaes tt grp of us..like wc says..its the usual clique..i wonder..on the train ride home me n him talked quite a bit abt alot of stuff..hahah..papa fetched me home from clementi station cos my bus no more liao..ya, he seems quite bad mood, ma says cos jie made him angry. hmmm..bad bad. sighs. tml is MI match liao..last match..gonna take many man pics tml..love saints hockey to bits..gonna miss all of them..*sighs* happy things nv do last.

my love; my friends. :) much much love.

last training.

today was the last official trainin i guess. hmmm. also not sure wad to say, actually gan chu liang duo la..just tt dunno how to put them down in words..heh. really will miss everyone loads loads. mans..hmmm..heh, training was ok la..played friendly with ajc girls vs girls and guys vs guys..den ya, made a couple of stupid mistakes..sigh. played a position i hardly noe abt..right back is the usual position..but danker put me in sweeper position la..dots..he noe one la..but suan ler..nvm..at least it isnt the real tournament. heh.

oh yar after training we wenta tiong bahru to eat..den after that talked alot cok la..hahaha..den going home liao, but dunno why suddenly hf suggested we can go her house to slack..hahaha..so we did la, me her monz n paula..damn funny..wenta her house slacked n watched dvd of meet the fockers. very funny..hahaha..quite porn..but still managed to make me laugh quite abit la..hee..talked abit..sighs. i wish there was nothing called As la..sigh, den can really enjoy myself..now gotta start studying already..yup..cant disappoint the ppl ard me...

sometimes i really wonder who my real friends are..heh..somehow ppl i thot i cld trust just suddenly turned against me and showed their true colours..somehow its not detest and hate that i am faced with..its more of disappointment and upset. i trust ppl easily, and i trust them to things which i told them. yet somehow, sometimes i think i shld not trust ppl so much..cos' like yong he bro said, never ever trust anyone but yourself. perhaps facing with so much disappointment everytime, i still remain firm on my stand to trust my friends because i know there are alwaes exception. some friends i know whom really hold their words and promises firm, loyal and understanding..and these ppl i've met, together with ppl whom i've lost faith in.

ya, tts all i wanna say.

blEh blAh boO.

bleh. lately just think im super disconected from my class. dunno why la. too tired to think why also. sometimes just dunno wad to talk to them abt. conversation is so hard when u have no topics. it's worse when they simply exclude u from their conversations. perhaps the problem is me la, but its not that i dun wan to spend more time with them, it's just tt i CAN'T spend more time with them. den slowly drift apart. plus alot of them dropped geog..den got alot free periods to hang out and talk together, and i din..so it's like hardly get to see them and really talk to slack together. seems like things have changed drastically this year from last year. i am one who likes changes. yet this kind of change i refuse to admit..it makes me sad to think that i have hardly any close friends in class..no person with the same cca as me and of the same sex(minus deepan who is a guy), no one in demanding sports cca that i can talk abt sports with..no one i can rely on for help now..everyone tells me they care, sur eu understand, yet perhaps it's simply a sentence of "i care abt u" rather than a sincere "i do care abt u". *shrugs* somehow i just wished i can blend in more with my class now la..it's like super left out..and it's only when im with hockey peeps tt i feel really happy now..it's where i noe company is alwaes guaranteed and comforting..

*shrugS* dunno la, guess i shldnt think so much mans..lately super tired..hwk cant seem to finish, topics all i lagged behind like siao..this friday's parent meet teacher i can imagine the scene of show-down of all my negative stuff from parents to teacher and vice versa. well, not like i care now anyway.

tml is nj match vs us. damn nervous n scared. but i really hope we'll play a gd game today. dun wan say more le. wanna slp..so tired..
yawn.

burnt.

i wonder if i'll suffer from skin cancer. hahahah. super burnt lately. i think im skin pigment is like totally ruined. hmM~ dun like to put sun block la..dun like tt oily greasy feeling on my skin. and besides i'll like wipe it off when training starts cos of all the sweat dripping down..and the worst thing is uneven tan lines!!! ahhhh *screams* hahaha.

the guys won cjc!!! hahaha..im so proud of them, woke up at 5:30am to get ready stuff for training and also to watch the guys match at ccab. hahah. super tired la. my eyes like cldnt even open. super puffy. luckily it became better. and just as i was about to leave house to take bus, nicey daddy popped outta his room and offered to give me a ride. mans, is tt nice or wad? lol, so i slpt for a few more mins before leaving the house lo. yup, slpt abit more in daddy's car. dunno y so tired. exhausted actually. crying really drains u of your energy. =X

hmM~the guys really put on quite a huge fight out there. and we girls were screaming for them too. hahaha..the soccer guys even came and some rugby guys too. wahhh. so funny la, not to mention the keane fan club of j1 girls came to support him. HAHAHA. but heard from quek tt the soccer guys actually requested for training to be pushed backwards so tt they can come watch the hockey guys. sweet aint it? :) the score was 2-0. nicely done. :) the last part was most touching la. most of us already strolling back to the bags area after the match. then we realised tt the guys were all in one line linking arms shoulder to shoulder approaching where we last sat. then all of us rushed back to the area. the guys bowed to us la..then one of them said tt this victory was for the girls..wah lau. i tell u im like super touched to bits. :*) thanks guys..really. though i may not know them very well, but somehow just very touched by their actions tremendously. hehs. :) *smile*

training was so-so. tried to practice sweeping and hitting and some tackling. then me n mp asked coach to show us how to tackle and stuff l. did some drills. then suggested to him next training we shld practice tt too. gd gd. i cant wait. must self improve!!! heh. wanna be a GREAT DEFENDER!!! =) clarified some stuff. hopefully i can get to try out those tactics. yups. it actually felt gd to be able to REALLY concentrate on the ball and anticipate the opponents' actions. somehow today's short but simple drill for a couple of us really made me realise some stuff and learnt from it. its all abt having the right timing. we shld NEVER COMMIT. this i must REMEMBER!!! no throwing of sticks. no commiting. channel the opponent to ur stronger side. watch the ball carefully and concentrate. dun be distracted. always place the opponent in a place where u can see them. most importantly place ourselves in a position whereby we can see both the player and the ball. be ready to execute but dun ever gif the opponent the idea of wad u are doing. alwaes give pressure. fight for the ball ALWAYS even though the tackle failed. nv tackle from behind. jab properly. no backsticks. stick flat on the grd. reverse stop must practice more. clear properly and hard. be nimble. nv give opponents a chance to pass u. trickery!! actually hockey is quite an intellectual game la. alot of strategising and stuff. gd gd. gonna try them out. maybe got time practice at home. fight fight fight till the end of the season!!! be brave girls.

one more thing tt struck me today. coach was talking to us..about the match yest. and perhaps he was right. we shld never ever let our hearts rule our minds. in this sport, our minds have to mentally strong. we ARE girls, but we cant get all emotional and let this affect our game. instead of being disheartened and discouraged, we shld instead be stronger. as the saying goes: what doesnt get u down makes u stronger! GO GIRLS!!! :) from now on, i gonna start gearing up mentally instead of emotionally.

heh. anyway when i reached home after the dessert session with some hockey peeps, my head was pounding terribly already. must be the sun la. bathed n stuff then wait for hair to dry n wenta slp for a while. woke up at 7plus. went out with family to eat dinner at marche. hehs. nice food there. yum yum. though i think i shld start to diet already, but it can wait la. for now try to eat healthily first. hahah! ok i hafta go get some econs hwk done. forgot to bring back my tys la!! arghhhs. guess i hafta read my notes first. okaes. outta here! byeeeee. :)

rmb girls, we must nv be disheartened. let's not disappoint coach n boss. let's not disappoint ourselves. we've fought so hard and came so far. one step at a time, we shall complete this race. :)

once again.

just wanna say tt today's match, we din meet our own expectations, or even close to meeting the expectations o coach. but im sure each and everyone of us fought hard. we cheered hard. screamed hard. tackled hard. just tt today wasnt our day. dun cry no more. wipe away ur tears and stand up to fight for the remaining matches. we trained so hard to give a gd game of hockey for our opponents. we din train so hard to fight and lose and then give up after that. like our much beloved turkey captain hf says, we do still have a chance of entering the semis. although the chances are slim, but there is a possiblity. no matter wad, we gonna give it our best shot and nv admit defeat till the end of our season.

we definitely suffered from this loss. first the rjc match, and then this. but i assure u guys, it's gonna be the last one. fight hard. fight with all ur might. read boss's mail? for once he actually made it short and simple, and it hit home straight. was very touched by his words. girls, i hope u all will pull urself together and we shall emerge victorious from this semis. whatever the results, im sure the greatest thing we received from this is tt we made many precious and darling friends tt we'll probably not forget till we become old and senile. we shall continue to enjoy each other's company. we shall continue to jack each other. we shall continue to laugh and smile and tear and share our sorrows together. we will love each other yeas? :)

i cant imagine the pain i felt after this match. bad mistakes commited. super off-form. and cj was super on form. we stepped onto the pitch feeling confident of winning this game. yet we stepped off the pitch, most of us already in tears. we fought for the entire game, yet luck was not on our side. we missed. we lost. 3-0. first time i played in a match this season, and first time i got on the pitch really wanting to win this game. though a mere few minutes i was on the pitch, i was determined to put in all my best. i simply cant bear to see us being down..by 3 goals. the tears just came flowing after the match. i din want them to come, but somehow it dawned on me tt it may just mean the last chances of fighting to the semis. it has been such a long and difficult journey for all of us. we trained so hard for this. is this the end of it all? i dunno. but i know now, we shld not give up now, in fact we shld NEVER give up. not now. not ever. we are all champions at heart. and champions nv gif up. lift up ur heads girls, continue to fight hard. this is the spirit of us girls..quoting from boss, it's time we show our stubborness.

refuse to admit defeat. refuse to play a bad game. put in not only our 100%, but 200%, 300%!! we can do it. we can. we really can. each and every one of us is impt. in a way or another. this is wad makes us so special. saints hockey!!!! ALL THE WAY GIRLS!!! :) one step at a time.

wanna thank those pple tt have comforted me. yea..the guys were really sweet to stay back, knowing very well tt we were extremely upset from the match. they comforted, and their presence was greatly appreciated. really. thanks! thanks for all the supporters from sajc. it was greatly needed, and we wished we had a better game to show u guys..thanks to frens, to best fren first aider. hahah..for ur pre-game sms, to ur comforting words after the match. yeas..we shall remain strong ya! thanks mostly to captain turkey who was ever so encouraging and strong to support us when we fell and faltered. :) love ya girl..u make such a great cap!

now now, my eyes are closing and im exhausted. tml is the guys's game vs cjc. i do hope they'll win. for us sistas eh? heh. going down to support them..after tt got training..gonna make full use of it now..utilise it to the fullest potential. 2 more matches. quoting from louis this time: persevere on and ENDURE. yes, we can do it. rmb girls. AWESOME! let's go out and kick some ass ok!!!

for now. wipe away ur tears my darlings. hope to see ur smiles again. much love.

nv say die.

we are the energizers. never say die. actually wad i wanted to say more or less talked to the ppl already..yups..today's match..4-0 to rjc. but hey guys, nv gif up and admit defeat ok. this is not the end of our season yet. we can still make it and fight for the remaining matches. next to come:cjc. thrash them! we will, im very sure we all have the determination and courage to do it. never gif up..nv say die. nv admit defeat. never.

the umpiring was lousy. but we cant go agst it. yet the goals were not mainly cos' of the sucky umpires. rather, there were mistakes on our part too. the first half was gd. but our second half broke down..perhaps we really wanted the draw score or to score too much. many many perhaps. but we played hard. we fought hard. it's no one's fault at all. really..no one is to be blamed. everyone commits mistakes at some pt or another. hockey is a team sport. saints hockey is a team. we are a team. no one is blamed for goals or anything. we must support each other and continue to persevere. never withdraw in the face of defeat.

wad i wanted to say, i've told them. u noe..i've often said how much i love this hockey team..how much i love saints hockey..but its only today tt i really treasured this frenship..and started to realise tt perhaps this feeling is mutual afterall..hehs..its true..wad weiyan said. i love love this team alot alot. the time i spend with hockey peeps are shorter than the time i spend with my class or wad. yet the frenships build and the bonds formed are much much stronger than those formed in my class. perhaps its all the bsa shit, the pts, the long and tough trainings in the hot sun, the tournaments, the huddles..everything..that brought us closer and closer in tt short time. we've been there for one another. we see each other everyday. we support each other in everything. be it hockey or outside hockey. from strangers, we became fast frens. i really treasure saints hockey team. the bond i feel cannot be described appropriately using words..the pain i felt when the final whistle was blown was tremendous. built up over the last 30 mins of the game. even though i din not physically play in the game, yet i knew tt the struggle out there, the pains they were going thru were really all for the team. we are not bench-warmers. we are all a team, regardless who plays and who does not. its all for the gd of the team..hockey, saints hockey is a team sport. :)

i love u all. really. love u all alot alot. treasure and cherish the times we had and more times to come. u wun noe how much u all haf contributed to my life..how much my life has been changed cos of it. how much sacrifices we all made for hockey. all for a common goal. this is wad tt touches me most. i heart saints hockey! we shall fight on. fight fight fight! the next match. cjc. we shall do our best. not dwell on the mistakes. today, tonite is the only moment when we shall mourn. tml, we shall reset, start afresh, fight with renewed spirit again. we will meet rjc after the semis. that time, we shall show them wad we are really made of. awesome, girls. u all are awesome! :)

lastly i wanna add to thank those who wished us gd luck. to those who came down to support us too. to boss and coach who nv gave up on us and the many sacrifices they made for us. the guys hockey who came down to support too..yups..to all my frens la..u all shld noe who u are..=) even first aider best friend also veh supportive...hahahah..he's damn funny la..tell me a joke then think its veh cute..veh act cute man! :P shHhhh..

and oh, thanks for best friend(deepan), hanis and johan for the nice ice creams..heh..push on girls. we trained with half our life all for this din we? we cant stop now. nothing can stop us! :)

GONNA GET OVER U!

please note the exclaimation mark at the end of this blog entry title. YES! im so gonna get over u! i am!!! well at least i haf to anyway. heh. enough said, i just hope this hurt will go away soon enough, no more false hopes, no more wrong signals, no more oggling. i better start settling down and think of wad are m priorities in life and go for it. yeas. perhaps i shld start by doing my econs tys and actually reading my notes instead of blogging and slacking now like what i am doing. hehs.

so disconnected from everyone. who is someone i can really turn to? i have many close frens, in class, in hockey, in sec sch, outside sch, ppl i hardly know yet i can talk to, ppl from ocip, ppl from jj. im touched by their frenship. i seriously am. sometimes i just needa talk, and they were there to provide a listening ear for u. sometimes, even a strong shoulder for me to lean on, to cry on. recently i seem to be getting weaker and weaker, getting torn apart. the harder i try, the harder i fall. the pain is excrutiating, yet who can really tell from my appearance. i may appear to be happy always, but am i really? i hardly talk to my parents abt my troubles, not even my sister. sometimes i just hope i can fade off into the backgrd and die unnoticed. hehs. i try very hard to be happy, to make ppl happy, to be strong and confident. and i succeed most of the time. except the part of being genuinely happy. im seriously troubled. happiness is shortlived. i wished i had the naivety of a young child. to ignore the hard and cruel truths of the world. to ignore the pain and hurt i face everyday. their world is just so simple.

perhaps its just today. another one of my thinking days. melancholy. reflective. wells, im so gonna get over u. yes i am and i will. im sure of that. i just hope no one will like come and take over ur place. cant take the highs and lows of such interpersonal relationships. hahaha. well, at least not now.

friends are truly very important. yeas. i love them with my life. they are the only reason why im alive now.

oh ya.

was just thinking..and sudenly remembered..abt somethings today during the cip..hahha..rmb i mentioned abt the clowns? yea..they are actually ex-convicts. but i was so amazed and awed by their love and tenderness with the children tt i totally forgot they had such past records..the most touching part was when one of the clowns told the children abt his past, and asked for forgiveness..i believe many of them dun understand what he was saying, but to me, tt speech was super touching..really almost made me cry..sigh..SUPPORT THE YELLOW RIBBON PROJECT OK!!! :)

yea..then i also rmbed the times when the clowns played witht eh kids..some of them even talked to them..it was like they really enjoyed themselves and tried their best to please the kids and make them laugh. one of them even had stage fright but he went on stage to perform infront of all the mothers and children at the starting of the programme. i din even noe abt their backgrd until they talked abt it themselves..and even pointed out the leg tag thingy strapped onto their legs..yea..and one of the clowns even got surrounded by the kids and got "beaten up" by sword balloons and yet he was grinning away. he really looked happy. i felt happy for him too. sometimes i believe what this world needs, is actually a little bit more love. and these children have given unconditionally abounding love tt touches me..their innocence simply amazes me and leaves me in envy. somehow i wish my world cld be so simple too...

oh ya. wanna thank yong he bro yea? shall not say wad u did for me..but ya, im really touched..thanks..dun worry i'll make it to the concert! :)

hahaha..mans, more and more ppl are knowing abt the apple thingy. sighs. talked to eugene abt it just now. he knows abt it la..quite long ago le..one of my closer frens tt actually know the full details of it. yeas. he said sumthigns la. but i think i shall not be hopeful of wad he said. cos nothing is guaranteed now. and to wad i noe, guys' inference can be quite bad. maybe eugene has bad inference? hahahah. ok la..but seriously, thanks darling. u really cleared some of my doubts and cheered me up. u take care of ur knee ok. dun over exert. dun nag and nag at me then u urself dun preach wad u NAG. lol. yups. :) oh ya, even tt tracy tay tutu also noe liao..but i noe she wun spill anything out la..lol..

which reminds of me something. like the guys were half naked(top half) during trainin today. some of them only la. and me and some other pple were bioing their bodies. so tanned and wel built eh? lol. i rmb with amy esp. we were bored n nothing to do on the pitch n i marking her. then we started talking. n i commented raymond's body quite nice..hahaha..oh mans. then she told me dun tell her cos she'll feel teh urge to peek. LOL. i almost died of laughing. then we talked abt yan liang's body. wahahahha. amy har..=X and several other bods la. quite hot. like johan got 6pack. santhosh got damn nice bod also. ahahah. mans. how things have changed eh? :D